Cautionary advice

laelene Post in relationships,Tags: , , ,

For the past couple of days I have not been the best of moods with my mother.  Time and time and again, she has spoken about relationships in a way that make me feel like she is critiquing Panda when she knows nothing about how our relationship works.  To her, she is giving me advice to forewarn me of many issues that can crop up so I am aware.  To me, she is just doubtful of this relationship being a good one and working out the way that I expect it to.  And so, listening to her talk about it always makes me grumpy, because it is not like that, he is not like that, and I am certainly not like that either.

It started with talking about my place in his life.  Am I his priority or would he put his career potential or parents ahead of me?  In trying to illustrate his cautious nature, I mentioned a time where he asked if his job potential would be hindered by me.  My mom read that as him not sure if I am important enough to give up a better job for.  She also assumed that just because I consoled him and said that it wouldn’t happen, I didn’t ask him what he would do if it did. Though I didn’t directly ask him, since then we have talked about many issues that have shown me all that he is willing to sacrifice, or change, for me.

A similar thing goes for his mom, who is hugely protective of him – would he let me get in the way of their mother-child relations?  This one I’ve asked directly and he has promised that there will be a point down the line when I become the most important woman in his life.  I don’t need that yet, but certainly I won’t put up with deferring to his mother forever.  I have also clearly indicated my complete lack of interest in having our parents live with us.  Live near?  Sure, but not with.  I value my privacy and independence far too much for that.  I just hope that she will not try to be around all the time and can be content with certain weekends or afternoons/nights.

My mother said that you don’t have just a relationship with someone; you have a relationship with his family.  And though that is probably true enough, I’m not willing to stop trying if the family proves to want very different things than me.  However, she seemed to insinuate that any man who has a clingy mother should be stayed away from.  Far away.  I think it’s completely unfair to curse a guy for how his parents might act (and might is important here – after all, there’s no proof they’d be clingy in the future).  Though your circumstances often dictate your personality, it doesn’t have to.  Not all kids growing up in tough neighborhoods become criminals, just as not all kids growing up in affluence become successful.

I know my mom means well in the end, wanting to make sure I’ve thought of all of these “what ifs” and glitches that can tear a relationship apart.  What she doesn’t know is how well we’ve handled things.  Communication is still very much open and though we approach life differently, we share many crucial principles.  Many things have already been discussed and we know where we stand with them and for the more unpredictable things, we’re willing to work together and compromise.  Perhaps it is just because my mom has not had a chance to understand how maturely we handle our relationship, but right now her advice falls upon annoyed ears.

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