Posts Tagged ‘asian american’

Surreal

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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So many years in uniform.

So many years in uniform.


Have you ever looked back on your life and wondered, Did I really do that? Well, I have.  It’s the strangest thing, to have this sort of disconnect with my old life.  Perhaps it’s because things have changed so drastically with each stage and each move that it seems odd that I lived through that.  Whatever the case, sometimes I’ll be recounting things in my life and then I catch myself and marvel that that was really me, that was really my experience.  There are times when I am talking about my life, but it almost feels like I am telling the story of someone else’s life.  I think it also has to do with a feeling of being so fortunate – was I so lucky to actually be able to have done that?  In fact I was, but it’s hard to believe at times.

ATVing in Hawaii after the Australia trip!

ATVing in Hawaii after the Australia trip!


One of the main things I feel detached from these days is my childhood homes.  I’ll talk about how I was born in China and then lived in Pennsylvania, Kansas, Missouri, New York, and finally, California.  Then I’ll stop and think, how strange it was that I used to have half an acre of backyard to play with in Kansas.  Or that I went back to China for a year just for some cultural immersion.  With so many experiences that are so far-ranging, I guess it’s no wonder I feel like it was surreal at times.  Not many people get to go to Australia for two weeks or attend six boot camps or claim links to so many different places.  At times I marvel at the places I’ve had the chance to go to – it’s truly a blessing, though I’ll probably never have enough.  Travel is one of those things that doesn’t lose its charm as easily.  After all, there are just too many countries, too many cities, too many villages to go to!

My first prom dress was for this pageant.

My first prom dress was for this pageant.

Boot camps can be fun too!

Boot camps can be fun too!


Another aspect are the things I’ve been able to do.  They range from how I’ve kept a daily journal for thirteen years to working on a movie to visiting China annually in the summer.  Sometimes these things just seem too good to be true – did I really have that dedication?  Did I really rub elbows with Tom Waits?  Did my parents really spend that much money on me each year?  Even a basic part of my identity leaves me grateful – was I really fortunate enough that my parents were able to leave China?  It’s hard to live up to parents who are cream of the crop in intellect, but it’s a blessing what I’ve gotten because of that.  I can hardly imagine the disaster I’d be if I had grown up in China, being too masculine for my own good and not wanting to get stuck in a boring desk job.  Everything I’ve gotten to experience because of my American nationality is something that I may take for granted normally, but definitely not something I’ll ever forget was a gift to me from my hardworking parents.

At the same time, some of my own accomplishments amaze me too.  How did I balance 10 classes and two sports on three teams?  I was running around from 4 AM to 10 PM during my peak in high school, and then I had to do homework too.  Just thinking about that tires me out now, but I felt so good doing it then.  Similarly, the strenuous activities I did at the various boot camps I opted to attend make me wonder where all that energy came from (perhaps the MREs).  How were we able to march for so many miles and sleep so little?  How were we able to stay awake during classroom lectures (well, with the help of standing)?  When I stop to think of that it really takes to do that, it’s quite cool.

Smile, I'm on camera!

I’m on camera!


I’m sure everyone has something in their lives that if they stopped to really evaluate, they’d be proud of saying they did.  From my peers at UCLA who are attending a world class university to fellow ex-cadets who underwent the same boot camps, everyone makes themself worth something, somehow.  I think it doesn’t hurt to stop and consider how astonishing some of the things we’ve done are.  Maybe I’m just looking at everything through rosy glasses now, but I love thinking about all the cool things I’ve done.  Even the negative things I’ve experienced leave me in awe, wondering if I was really able to overcome that.  So to everyone who has done something extraordinary, whether it’s pay your way through college or excel at an art or sport, here’s to you!  May we all celebrate our accomplishments and learn to appreciate ourselves better.

Life stages

laelene Posted in general blog, relationships,Tags: , , , , , , , ,
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I was recently found on Facebook by an old middle school friend, which then prompted quite a discovery journey for me.  She and I only have two friends in common since she’s new to FB, so I went to check out those profiles too.  One of them was my best friend from those St. Louis days, who I haven’t heard from in years.  I stopped by her profile to find that she’s engaged!  I still remember the days when her parents were still so overprotective that they wouldn’t let her sleep over at a friend’s house until she was about 12 or 13 (my house was her first sleepover, and probably only because we were a Chinese family too).

She got engaged on Halloween - how cool! photo credit: her FB

She got engaged on Halloween – how cool! photo credit: her FB

From there, I was checking out a bunch of my other friends’ profiles and so many of them are engaged, married, or are starting families!  It’s really amazing to remember them the way I do as young teenagers and look to see what their lives are like now.  We’ve all grown up so much.  I guess it’s such a shocker for me because I never watched them grow up and my last memory of these people was in middle school, when we were still in our awkward phases.  It’s wonderful to be able to see where they are in their lives now, from planning a wedding to starting their careers.

I think the 20s are the most exciting years, what with many educational, personal, and professional milestones concentrated in that decade of our lives.  It made me think about how each of us is reaching a different stage in our lives – from those who are still finding their way to those who are settling down.  I think marriage and children are still more rare in my peers right now, but in another decade, that landscape will likely change drastically, with the opposite true.  It’s fascinating for me to see the type of people each of ends up with and the lifestyle that we fall into.

Ah, the rings... I much prefer silver to gold. photo credit: katargonza.com

Ah, the rings… I much prefer silver to gold. photo credit: katargonza.com

I know for sure that if I had not moved to California, my life would be immensely different.  One thing I’ve noticed was that my Asian friends from years past (which totals to a mere three) have all settled with Caucasian boyfriends/fiances.  I always thought I’d end up with one too, and more than likely would have if I hadn’t moved to SoCal, where the density of Asians is much, much higher.  Our surroundings play such a huge role in how our lives turn out, from the things we encounter to the people we’re exposed to.  I wonder if the environment in the Midwest and out East had anything to do with their decisions to get married at this age.  Maybe it’s just my sentiment, but I’d rather get my career underway first and that seems to be the vibe on the West Coast.

Nonetheless, I am intrigued to see who is married, who is engaged, who has a kid, who is still dating, and who is still single.  I don’t know why I find it so interesting, but I love going to people’s profiles to see their relationship status.  In fact, this prompted me to start going through all my friends to see what they have listed.  Other than the few who are married or engaged, I will likely forget the rest, but it’s still fun to explore.  It’s also a nice update, since some have changed their names and initially I was quite confused by their new surname.  I’ve never really thought about it, but when I did, I realized that I am far too attached to my name to just change it like that.  Panda’s ok with that (yay), so I can rest assured that I didn’t buy my domain for nothing.  😛  It’s still weird to think that the kids will have a different last name though.  I hate hypenated names though, so I’d rather they take his than try to do some awkward combo (unless we’re allowed to do some hybrid spelling?  o.O).

So, where are all your friends at?  Where you thought they’d be?

Sense of self (worth)

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , , , ,
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I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day and found that I’ve lost a bit of my sense of self (and self worth).  We were discussing my next steps when I go back to LA and I found that I’m rather confused.  There are a lot of things I want to do with my life and a lot of things I don’t want to do.  Between all of those desires, it’s hard to choose what exactly to do now.  Part of this had to do with my lofty goals of starting my own environmental consulting firm (or perhaps eco-consulting is more accurate).  There’s so much I need to do and learn and know to get that off the ground and sometimes I lose sight of how to do that.  However, talking to her has helped me get hope again, and find a better focus for my job hunting to come.

Reconnect with the lion within.

Reconnect with the lion within.

I’d slowly been losing faith in myself, finding that maybe I don’t have what it takes to be an entrepreneur, a business owner, a CEO.  Though that’s always been my dream since I started thinking of what path to take my life on after high school, the work I’ve been doing has shown me that what I’m good at is not leader of a company material.  Instead, I’m far better playing second fiddle, doing all the background work and behind the scenes stuff to keep the front lines moving.  I tend to be strong with research, but that’s not what will take me to where I want to go.  There are a lot of areas I’m weak in, like interacting with people and managing things holistically.  Seeing this has slowly ground away at my self-confidence and blind faith in myself to make it somehow.

Additionally, I lost a lot of faith in myself since coming to Singapore because of the many obstacles I’ve been struggling with.  From the cultural barriers to more personal issues that have cropped up, each time it left me wondering what I’m doing wrong, what I’ve been doing wrong, and why in the world there are so many misunderstandings.  After a lengthy conversation with Typea, I began to see so many misunderstandings stemming from my Western upbringing.  There are so many small things that you would never really know about because it’s usually not worth mentioning.  But add them all up and you’ve got a very inaccurate interpretation of who you are and why you do what you do.  Singapore is still an Eastern culture after all, despite all the Western influence they may have.

It’s kind of funny, because now I’m starting to see Singapore much like myself.  It’s neither here nor there, with English as a primary language, but Asian cultures still dominating the way of life.  Similarly with me, I’m neither Chinese nor American, but Chinese-American and as anyone who has studied complex systems can attest, the sum of parts is greater than the whole.  What that means for me is that I’m not simply Chinese mixed with an American; the interaction of the two produces an entirely new result altogether.  Yet to those who have not grown up knowing what that is like, that’s a hard thing to understand, so they just assume I’m both put together.  Unfortunately, that means they expect me to know a lot more of the nuances of claiming either identity than I actually do.

Still foreign.

Still foreign.

What I have trouble accepting is that I can’t do anything about it.  One of the quirky things about Asian culture is that nearly everything is suppressed.  People aren’t straightforward, but rather expect you to insinuate what they want and what you should do.  Not being armed with the right tools to figure this out, I am left to flounder and come up with completely bizarre conclusions (in their eyes, at least).  It’s frustrating because I just need pointers and guidance (albeit a lot) to help me along.  Also, because I look Asian, there is less leeway or forgiveness for many transgressions because it is assumed I should know.  If I didn’t look so, I think I’d either get written off as a foreigner or people would be more patient with the mistakes I made.  I always had that luxury as a child though, because whenever I went back to China to visit, I was with my relatives who knew how different I was, so they didn’t expect me to be like them.

So, my ego has taken a hard blow and it doesn’t help that no matter how hard I try, it doesn’t make things better.  I’ve been told quite a few times to just let it go – what is, is.  But to me, that’s like giving up.  Here I am in a foreign culture – how could I not try to adapt?  The difference is sometimes too great though, so to some extent I want to stop trying so hard.  I spend all that time and effort to avoid stepping on people’s toes or giving them the wrong impression only to do so anyway.  Is there still a point?  I’ve got one more month here and two of those weeks will be spent as a tourist going around to other countries.  There certainly isn’t time to fix things as I’d like, but should I keep trying anyway?

People pleaser & misunderstandings

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
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I’ve always been the type of person who will bend over backwards to try to anticipate what people want and do it.  At the expense of my personal enjoyment, I’ll let them have their way and enjoy something before I do.  I’m constantly proactively thinking about what I can do to not get in their way and to be more considerate to them in ways they may not notice, but would make a difference.  I’ve certainly not been completely successful and still step on people’s toes despite that foresight, but I still try, even if it means I’m always evaluating how other people might think.  It’s a tiring process and I’ve been jaded a few times, but I still tend to act that way.

More recently my strong-willed side has come out more and though I spend no less time thinking about how people would react to my actions, I care less.  After all, I can’t always live my life by everyone else’s rules and time and time again I’ve suppressed a lot to please someone else.  I’m worn out from years of giving, giving, giving.  Giving my time, my money, my energy, my resources.  I’ve got stepped on, walked over, and even trampled a few times that way when I allowed too much and didn’t stand up for myself.  So nowadays, I spend some time justifying my actions when they aren’t so people-pleasing.

Now this is how I'd like to work (and do at home) if I had to be at a desk.  photo credit: expresspros.com

Now this is how I'd like to work if I had to be at a desk. photo credit: expresspros.com

Take work for example.  My working style is erratic and varied, with plenty of distractions throughout the day.  I’m not the type of person to sit down and focus for hours on end, complete a task early, then call it a day.  Instead I meander through, sometimes chatting with others, sometimes checking e-mails or social networking sites, sometimes reading articles for personal enjoyment and enrichment.  All of this goes towards what I consider an important aspect of all our lives – personal improvement.

Often people get so caught up in their work that they don’t take the time to make themselves a better person, a better worker, a better friend.  I tend to focus on the gaining new knowledge aspect of it, but sometimes I’ll turn to my interpersonal skills as well.  This translates to a confusing picture for anyone looking over my shoulder, who will find that I have thirty tabs open at any given time and switch between them quite frequently.  To some, it may look like I’m slacking, but I’m too tired to try to make everyone understand.

So, I’ve been justifying it to myself: I still work quite efficiently overall and there are periods of intense focus (usually when nobody else is around).  The bosses know the product of my time and though we’ve talked about how I let my fear of failure hold me back, all feedback on the quality of my work has been positive.  My work is internal development, which is always ongoing and has no real deadline to meet.  Of course, I set incremental ones, but really I could be working until the cows come home and still have the bulk of work to do.  So, it’s not like I can just finish a project and be done for the day.  Put these together and that’s how I explain to myself why I don’t need to work like the others do.  It’s not my style.

photo credit: art.com

photo credit: art.com

I almost don’t care what the others may think of what they see.  I used to worry that people would think I napped too much, but that’s just another way that my body copes with work.  I’ve come to the point where if I need to rest, I will, and for as long as my body tells me to.  Whereas before I may have tried to hide that fact by sneaking to a corner or setting an alarm so I didn’t sleep for extended periods, now I am accepting my personal work style.  It’s extremely unconventional and I’m lucky that this environment is very flexible and forgiving.

I guess that’s why I’m so adamant about not getting a typical desk job.  I know I’d fall asleep in the middle of the day.  I know I’d get antsy and want to move around or just surf around a bit online.  For me, it’s still a part of my creative and learning processes, so it’s not exactly time wasted.  I don’t know how I could stand to show up to work at 9 every day, sit and focus, take a lunch break, then complete the day and leave.  It’s such a stale routine.

Though I try a bit less to please everyone now (which, of course, is impossible, since not everyone will know all the factors and will often misinterpret things), I am still often concerned with it.  However, I’ve learned to not always change my behavior to fit what I think others want.  In fact, it turns out that some of the things that I have been doing that I thought were considerate was being seen as strange behavior.  Suddenly being independent was being seen as being aloof and being conservative with resources was being strangely stingy.  I guess I’m screwed no matter what.

Asian on the outside, Asian-American through and through.

Asian on the outside, Asian-American through and through.

It only struck me here that I am so strongly Westernized and even though Singapore has huge Western influences, it is still very much an Asian society at heart.  The things that I do that I never had a problem with before are suddenly all problematic.  There are many layers to the misunderstandings that have occured, but much of it stems from the cultural divide.  Just like I am deceptively Asian with my standard Mandarin accent, Singaporeans are deceptively Western with their lifestyles, but deep down, it’s a completely different story.

I guess the hardest thing is that people expect me to know all the nuances of Asian culture because I look the part.  They hear past my American accent and only see my Chinese face and assume that I know what it’s like in an Asian culture.  But in fact, I left the country when I was only three and have since spent twenty years in the states.  It wasn’t even until I moved to California nearly seven years ago that I met so many other Asians.  The bulk of my childhood was spent among white people (the Midwest doesn’t offer much diversity).

I wonder about all the things that I must have done as a child visiting in China (that I didn’t even realize were different) that my relatives just wrote off as a trait of being “the American” one.

Commencement

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
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commencementWell, it’s that time again and everyone at UCLA is done with finals and have been spending the past few days graduating.  Today marks the final day of all the ceremonies, from commencements to departmental graduations to the ethnic-based ones.  I’ve been getting e-mails on the AKPsi listserv of people talking about taking pictures together, attending their respective ceremonies, and otherwise celebrating the Class of 2009’s achievement.  It’s really a festive time of year, as everyone has summer on their sights and just this one last hurdle before induction into the world of alumnihood.  For just a moment, any worries about the future can be set aside as we focus on the here and now and rejoice in the completion of a degree.

Still striking.

Still striking.

All this hubbub reminds me of my own graduation last year, with the drama of the strikers, the excitement of the surrealness, and the hectic whirlwind surrounding finals and graduating.  The summer of 2008’s kickoff will always be a bittersweet one for me, since some of my relatives were able to fly in from China to attend, but the strike drove away Bill Clinton and Ariana Huffington as commencement speakers.  I still feel it would have been better for Clinton to come and talk to us about the strike, rather than avoid the issue completely and leave us all so bitter over that outcome.  Overall, it was still a good time, to enter Pauley Pavilion and see so many of my peers filling the floor as their loved ones crowded the arena.  The Deans of each segment of the College of Letters and Science introduced us with flair and I got to be represented in both the Life Sciences as well as the Social Sciences.

Phil Wang at the APIG.

Phil Wang at the APIG.

The following day I had both my Psychology and Economics departmental graduations, which my relatives split up to attend, with half coming for the morning Psych one and the others coming for the afternoon Econ one.  It was a crazy day that started way too early and had me going far into the night as I ran around to get to places on time and find my family amongst the crowd.  I still had some packing to do, which I needed to complete by the next day so I could go to the Asian/Pacific-Islander Graduation (APIG) in the afternoon and head back immediately thereafter to celebrate Father’s Day.

The APIG ceremony was truly special, since it was much smaller and was held outside in Dickson Court.  I gathered together with a bunch of my fraternity brothers and we sat quite close to the front.  Far East Movement and Wong Fu were there, with Far East performing customized lyrics and Phil Wang speaking to us about how the Asian-American community needs to unite.  We had a local Asian-American leader as a guest speaker, but of course I’ve forgotten his name.  All of the graduates even got t-shirts commemorating the event, with our names on the back!  It was great that one of my fraternity brothers was actually organizing the event – I was so proud!  Now he’s graduating as well.  Amazing how a year can pass just like that.

Accents and self-deprecation

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , , , , ,
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Nearly a month ago I came across a blog entry about speaking with accents (to me, there is no such thing as speaking without an accent – everyone’s got one).  Reading that led me to the blog post cited (written by Louis) and so many thoughts were triggered by these pieces.

Can't all speak like a news reporter!

Can't all speak like a news reporter! photo credit: lasplash.com

First, let me start by airing my main grievance: there is no such thing as NO accent!!!  Why don’t people get this?  Perhaps it is because Americans are so sheltered, so unworldly, so ignorant that they think they’re the center of the world.  Not having an accent does NOT mean having an American accent, yet you’ll find countless American writers acting as if that’s the case.  I’m sorry but since when did you get to act so haughty?  I’ll admit, I used to use the same terminology until I grew old enough to realize that it’s not that I don’t have an accent – it’s just that I have a thoroughly American accent.  So, to the people around me, sure I don’t have an accent – but what they mean by that is that I don’t have a different accent.

Secondly, and closely related to the first idea is that just because you have a “non-standard” accent (aka American/British/Australian accents found in mainstream media), you’re not as civilized or smart.  That is complete BS and everyone should know that.  Yet, I find the likes of commentators on Louis’s blog post acting as if this is the case!  In Singapore and Malaysia (and I’m sure many other countries as well), people will readjust and speak with more “proper” accents when they’re dealing with foreigners (namely white people).  Why?  Well, according to a commenter:

“Accent or no accent, i think its all about trying to prove and to impress. Humiliating as it is, we already have a bad impression on the foreigners and i guess speaking with a fake accent is somehow a try to change that impression…”

Excuse me?!  Are you SERIOUS?!!!  How much more could you put yourself down?  You’re the ones who have mastered multiple languages and can understand not only your local accents but American and British and whatever else ones out there.  Why can’t you think like that?  Why do you have to treat your own accent as if it’s not as good?  It’s just different!  This is after I had posted a comment saying that they’re able to do this because they’ve had exposure to foreign accents, so it’s a nice gesture for them to throw us a bone, so to say, and speak in a manner that is easier for us to understand.

You do, I do.  photo credit: eruptingmind.com

You do, I do. photo credit: eruptingmind.com

Honestly, switching accents should not be seen as some sort of a demoralizing act that makes the person changing accents feel like theirs is less worthy.  It’s completely natural for people to change their behavior to match the people they’re trying to communicate with.  There’s even a term for it: mirroring!  It happens on such a subconscious level sometimes that people may never notice.  Think about it – if someone is speaking to you and you two are building repertoire, you both want to be liked by each other.  How do you do that best?  Making each other comfortable through your body language, interactions, and conversation.  Well, the most basic of that boils down to speech patterns, movements, breathing, accent, attitude, diction, the list goes on…  Give it a try next time you’re talking to someone – lean forward, lean backward, slouch, stand up, cross your arms, start talking faster and watch what happens.  More than likely the person you’re conversing with will follow suit unknowingly.

So really, the change in accent should be more about clear and comfortable communication with the other party rather than consciously doing it to try to impress them.  It’s unfortunate that so many people seem to take it the wrong way and there’s a huge mentality change needed to accept this as a purely normal interaction between two people.  This type of interaction is no different from the expat who starts to use local slang, the immigrant who picks up certain parts of the accent he’s surrounded with, or (for a more extreme example) even the multilingual who uses a language that will allow her to be understood.  In the end it’s really just a simple case of making communication easier and more clear.  That whole “my accent is not good enough because it’s not what you hear on TV” idea?  It’s all in your head, or at least it doesn’t need to be true.  I wish people didn’t think it was true.

A bit of a loner

laelene Posted in general blog, relationships,Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
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Growing up an only child, constantly on the move, and often home alone, I’d say I can be a hermit of sorts.  At home I’m used to holing up in my room, for the first half of my life reading books and for the second half spending time on the internet.  I’ll spend the entire day there, taking breaks only to go to the bathroom or go grab some more food from the pantry.  It’s a lifestyle that I think a lot of people don’t understand, either because there are too many people in their households or their parents didn’t offer them as much space and independence.  But for me, what is normal is to do my own thing.

My mom will call me for dinner when it’s ready and I’ll make my way downstairs when I’m ready, usually after my parents have finished eating their meal.  We’re not ones for small talk, so they’ll continue on with their lives, my dad sometimes flipping on the news and my mom burying herself back in her study material (she’s always teaching herself something new or playing with AutoCAD).  We have a very nontraditional family unit and I think outsiders would often see our relationship as cold and distanced.  I don’t know how to convince them otherwise (nor do I want or need to), but that’s just the way it is.

white hp laptop

Just me and my computer.

I get all the support I need both emotionally and financially.  When I need help or advice on something, I can go ask and though we’ll often disagree, there’s much to be learned from that.  As for money, I hardly spent any as a child, never really asking for toys or new clothes.  All I wanted was to be driven to the library on a weekly basis so I could drag a new stack of books home.  At one point, I wanted video games, but they refused and I didn’t pursue it very frequently so eventually the desire faded.  In my senior year of high school, I started to drive and since then my habits have changed quite drastically, where I am much more in charge of where I go, what I do, and what I buy.  I still try not to spend much, but I do splurge here and there and my parents are always there to help me pad my bank account if I need it.

Panda and I have talked about the type of family we would want and I think it will be much more cohesive.  I image going to the park on a weekend or wandering around some new part of LA.  It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with my family; it’s just that when everyone is busy with their own things, hanging out for no good reason seems a waste of time.  So yeah, I’d like to have a lot of time to do things together, but I hope that when it comes time for the kids to leave home and go to college, they won’t feel tied down.  I don’t want them to feel like they need to come back on weekends all the time.  I chose to go to a college near home not because of the proximity but because of the university itself.  I want that to be the case for my children too.  There comes a time when you need to leave the nest and start making a life for yourself and college is definitely a major transitional period where that starts to happen.

buffalo walks along side of road alone

A bit of a loner.

Lately I’ve found that my immense independence and solitude is not “normal” and I think it can be seen as being aloof.  To me, it’s leaving people alone and being left alone to do what we need to do.  Unless there’s actually something to talk about, trying to find things to discuss feels like a waste of time to me.  So I thought I was doing everyone a favor by staying out of the way.  Well, when I was told that that’s not what they wanted, I started to greet in a less timid manner, began coming up with follow-up comments or questions, and would occasionally make my way to the living room and watch some TV together (even though I have no interest in TV).  All the while, I wracked my brain for things to talk about.

At the same time, I was terrified.  I don’t know how to approach people who I perceive to be in a position of authority (teachers, bosses, parents) and even when they are extremely open and inviting, I proceed with caution.  I think much of this fear held me back and created a lot of self-doubt in what I was doing and what I could do.  I knew I needed to somehow be more talkative and interactive, but I couldn’t think of interesting topics.  Perhaps it was because I felt that everything had to be so meaningful and profound.  It seems that small talk isn’t like that though – so much of it is really just mundane stuff, isn’t it?  And everything is quite repetitive – what you ate, what you did, how the weather is – and really doesn’t change all that much.

I also stopped myself from trying to talk much when the TV was on or trying to enter a room if the door was closed.  Those are signals of “leave me be” in my world, so I respected that.  Yet, other than that time, there were not really other windows of opportunity.  It’s either nobody’s there, they’re in the room, or they’re watching TV.  Well, it seems that there has been discontent because of the lack of interaction, so I decided to give it a shot.  I sat there and tried to make conversation for 45 minutes, with many pauses and much of the time spent looking at the tennis match on TV.  A couple times, it was suggested that I go rest or that I must have other things to do, so I should go in the room and go on with it.  I didn’t know if those were just polite refusals as a gesture that it’s ok if I don’t stay or if they were a subtle dismissal and an attempt to get me to retreat to the room.

guy puts face into handSigh, everything is so complicated when it comes to relationships.  I’ve got no experience in this realm and it is kicking me in the butt.  Even when I ask what is going on and what thoughts and feelings there are, I get no answer.  It’s such an Asian thing to do and perhaps I am too Western in my behavior.  To me, it’s about sharing feelings and talking it through.  But I guess it’s not so easy.  There’s so much that is taboo in the Chinese culture.  I wonder if this is the case,where even asking will not help yield an answer.  It sure seems so because so far it hasn’t.  I know I have a lot to fix but I don’t know what exactly and, more importantly, I don’t know how.  I feel utterly powerless and useless.  Boy do I have a headache.

Public transport etiquette

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , ,
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Every day when I go to the MRT (mass rapid transit – basically the train/subway system here) station, it’s a constant battle between whether I should step forward to try to get on board earlier or whether I should sit back and wait for the train to arrive and the traffic flow to begin.  It seems that no matter what I do, there are always people who butt in in front of me and don’t allow passengers to get off before they barge ahead.  So really it’s a lose-lose battle that I just try to lose less in.  I’m still trying to figure out if this is because of the Singaporean culture, a crowded city culture, the overall Asian culture, or even a public transportation culture.

dsc04806Even after the Singapore Kindness Movement (SKM) kicked in and signs are showing up everywhere encouraging people to let people alight (get off) before boarding, I haven’t seen a change in behavior.  There’s no respect for lining up and even less for waiting your turn, so it’s an evil cycle of people being more and more rude just to get in or out of the train.  Now, to some extent I can see this just being a sort of “survival of the fittest” – those who can make their way forward first will get better chances at seats and also not worry about the doors closing on you.  However, the same exact thing happens when there are no crowds around and such behavior does nothing more than annoy people trying to get off.

So, why is this?  I don’t think it’s because Singaporeans are unkind – after all, I’ve seen a fair share of people get up to allow others to sit.  Yet, when it comes to the simplest bit of patience in waiting for people to get off before you get on and allowing those who arrived to wait before you to get on before you start pushing forward, there seems to be a huge lack of disregard.  The lines on the floor indicating where people should stand to wait and allow others to get off are completely ignored and fools like me may have thought we were first in line only to find that half a dozen people managed to squeeze ahead by directly facing off those who are stepping off.

SKM logo

It’s really amazing and I wonder if all cities work like this.  I can’t really remember a time in Europe or other large cities that I’ve been to where I noticed this, but I also can’t say that I was really paying attention.  Whether or not it’s widespread, it’s pervasive here and it’s one of those unfortunate things that you can’t really regulate.  Also, unless everyone changes their approach, those who honor it only end up getting screwed.  Sad, isn’t it?  So where’s the incentive to follow directives like that when there’s no way to keep others from abusing the situation?  I guess in the end it comes down to a cultural mentality change, but the problem is – which culture?  As I mentioned before, i don’t know if it’s limited to Singaporeans, city dwellers, Asians, or public transportation users in general.  So how do you go about making a change?  SKM is making an effort, but unfortunately, I think this is something that will take a lot of time (and perhaps some regulation) to change.

To the haters out there

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , ,
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Last week I saw a tweet from David Choi talking about the nasty racist comments he got on his YouTube account, due to the fact that he’s Asian.  It made me wonder why people go out of their way to be cruel like that (not that I’ve seen what was written, but I don’t need to).  Especially in a case like this, you really have to go out of your way to send hate messages.  Why bother going to someone else’s page, where they’re just sharing their work, their lives?  I really don’t understand it.  I mean, it’s one thing if you’re thinking them in your mind and you just can’t think of someone nicely, but it’s a whole other thing to go attack them.  I’ll admit, I’ve had my share of negative and unpleasant thoughts, but I keep it to myself.  If I really have to get it out, I’ll tell a friend to blow off some steam, write it down to get it out of my mind, or exert myself physically to wear myself out.

Just this weekend this girl serving me boba was extremely rude and disrespectful, but I held my tongue and just imagined giving her a piece of my mind.  Actually doing so would have served no purpose but to waste my time and energy and either make her even meaner or feel terrible.  So instead, I told Panda about it and “screamed” (only online AAAAHHHs and UGHs) to get it all out.  I’d all but forgotten it today, except when a comment reminded me of it (talking about how some people are just not polite or gracious at all).  I told Lorrie about it quite calmly and I’ve found I’m at peace with it now.  But for this case, there was an actual reason for my anger and frustration!

As for David’s haters, I don’t know what’s going.  What has he done to possibly annoy anyone?  Maybe I just can’t see because I’m a fan of his work, as I anticipate Miley Cyrus’s fans would not understand why her voice grates on my nerves and anything about her makes me want to gag.  Even though I feel very strongly against her, I don’t go to her website to tell her these harsh words.  Everyone’s entitled to an opinion, no matter how ridiculous it might be, but that doesn’t entitle them to take any negative ones they have about someone and shove it down that person’s throat.  It’s crude and poor judgment.  If you don’t like it, don’t pay attention!  There’s so much more in the world for you to be appreciating, rather than seeking out what you don’t and making it inescably obvious.

This, of course, only applies when no harm is being done.  If people are being hurt by a person’s actions, then this type of avoidance and complacency tactic is countereffective.  As for those who are victimized by such thoughtless acts, I hope you can rise above it and not shoot unsavory comments back.  Either ignore it because it’s not worth your time or reply in a firm, but respectful manner.  This world could use more kindness and dignity.

Broken identity (a follow-up)

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , ,
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Had a long day at work, so I’m pulling from a back-up stash of entries for when I just don’t have the time.

I mentioned before that I have a very complex self identity.  Part of that was all the moving around while growing up, but another part was that initial move.  Since I was only three and a half when I immigrated from China, I could be first or second generation American, depending on how you want to look at it.  That is probably why I always called myself the 1.5 generation (not knowing that it is actually a recognized term!).

I could be first generation if you feel that anyone who personally immigrated is the first generation, or the children of those immigrants are the first generation.  I could be second generation if you feel that the children of the immigrants are the second generation.  However, children of immigrants are typically assumed to be born in the US rather than brought over at a young age.  So, I don’t fit very neatly into any of the more traditional ways of viewing immigrant generations.  It’s all very confusing.

I always grew up thinking that first generation meant that you were the first to enter the country.  However, that would put my parents and I on an even field, which didn’t make sense.  Hence, the one and a half generation – because I was born abroad, but grew up here.  There are plenty of others who did the same and they may be equally confused as to what generation they are considered.

So I never knew if I was an immigrant because I had an alien card or if I was American because I became a naturalized citizen?  Well, as it turns out, these things never have easy answers and I just accept being a little of both.  Neither one really, yet both at the same time.  This is how I imagine it would be to be a biracial or multiracial person.  You are at once all of your parts, but none of them individually, and the sum of your parts does not equal an even whole, but more than that, with the interaction of the parts.

Rather than be confused or upset by this, I find it rather amusing and fun.  It certainly makes for a lively conversation if the topic comes up.  Self identity is such a complex issue; it can’t really be simple for anyone.  So, I like to think of its nuances from time to time, but I never really worry myself about it.  We’ve all got to find our way in life and this is only part of the discovery.  Then there’s figuring out what we to define our lives by, in terms of our hobbies, abilities, lifestyle, and occupation.

This issue is only the tip of the iceberg!  There’s a lot we can identify ourselves with, which changes over time too.  So you know what, I’m not about to have an identity crisis.  It’s cool.  Who am I?  Well, you’ll just have to see.

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