The past two nights, I’ve been playing out my fears subconsciously in my dreams.  Two nights ago, I had a nightmare that I cheated on Panda by kissing another guy, who then tried to get me to leave Panda.  I told him that I had made a mistake and I wasn’t going to be with him, but I was horrified by what I had done.  I woke up vaguely remembering what I had dreamed and feeling miserable, but relieved that it wasn’t real.

Then last night I dreamed that Philosopher and I were in a parking garage.  For some reason he had gone up to the second level and came back down telling me I had been rejected.  Confused, we went upstairs where a blue car resembling the one that my parents had owned many years ago was parked with a letter under the windshield wiper and a huge playing card (a jack) on the ground in front of it.  The card was something like three feet tall by two feet wide and seemed to be a play on the word “jacked” because that was certainly a way to describe the way I felt.  The letter was a rejection one from the job I had applied to.  I was absolutely devastated when I woke up in the split second before I realized it was just another nightmare.

I suppose I have been more stressed than I realized and now I’m being bombarded by the things I dread most.  I just hope that both have “happened” already so they won’t in reality.  After all, I never want to do anything to hurt Panda and I REALLY want that job.  So let’s just hope that both those events turn out the way I want them to!

Don't make me go there yet! Let me do my interview first, please. photo credit: sanfernandovalleylawyers.com

Today I got an e-mail that had me bouncing off the walls: an invitation to schedule an interview for a job I really want!  It was thrilling to see it sitting there in my inbox, waiting patiently for me to open it and arrange to meet with the hiring manager for the position.  I eagerly replied with a preferred time and she confirmed not long after.  Suddenly, I remembered that I’m on call for jury duty this week!  Frantically, I began to compose an e-mail back, bringing up the topic.  I came up with as many alternatives as I could and sent it back, hoping she can be flexible with her time.  Now I’m waiting here and haven’t received a response, so I anticipate she has gone to bed and I won’t know until tomorrow.

In the mean time, I’m reviewing the application information and compiling a list of my qualifications for each of their requirements.  I’ll go over their website, my cover letter, and interview advice articles over the next two days as I prepare for this all-important interview.  I e-mailed my parents, happily sharing the news with them and called up my mom when she was free to talk.  Tomorrow I’ll be chatting with my dad, discussing possible questions I should be ready for and anything else his wisdom has to offer.  After all, he’s often been in both the hiring and applying positions and can impart a lot of useful knowledge and insight.

LEED certified! Who wouldn't want to work in a building so green? photo credit: smithgroup.com

I’m also going to e-mail a former boss, who I just went to visit days ago, and see what she has to say.  It’ll be nice to share the good news with her, after I gushed about the position and how much I wanted it.  Besides, she works for UCLA, so maybe she’ll have some pertinent pointers to share with me.  Now let’s hope I can make it to the final step and get hired!  I’d be absolutely elated because this job fulfills the requirements I had outlined before.  Though I said it’s not exactly my dream job (which would to be an eco-consultant, I think), it is my favorite candidate for being my first career job.

When I was talking to my mom, I was concerned that they weren’t interviewing on Friday because they were going to choose then and then rush someone into the position by Monday.  That would make things difficult if I had jury duty and the manager couldn’t stay after work to interview me.  My mom assured me that no company would ever be so crazy-rushed to hire someone in such a short time frame, so there must be leeway for me to interview at a later time if I must.  If I get called in to serve my civic duties on Thursday, I certainly hope she’s right.  I would love to get this position!

Gosh I’m nervous.  I haven’t wanted something so much since Panda.

I got a chance to spend some quality time with my dad today, showing him some of things I did and saw while I was in Southeast Asia and even going shopping with him.  We’re a family of few words and often it is difficult for me to small talk because that’s not what we do.  So today, I used the pictures I take as a medium for sharing my recent life experiences, mostly in Thailand, Hong Kong, and Singapore.

It was nice to tell my dad what I had been up to and hear from him the projects he’s been working on.  Over the years, we haven’t shared much.  Usually he’d just ask me about how classes were going and discuss career stuff.  And I only ever went to him if I needed some thoughts on jobs or something along those professional lines.  We talk business, and then we stop talking.  Because of that, I know just the basics of what’s he’s up to – working in China as VP of an environmental consulting firm.

Today, however, there was a bit more of an exchange.  We’re awkward with each other when it comes to conversation because we’ve spent 20 years not talking much.  Not every family functions the same way and a big part of my nuclear family is the individualism we have.  I do my own thing in my own room and my parents do their own thing in their own spaces.  They only come to my room occasionally to find me if it’s time to eat or wake up and I haven’t gone downstairs.  Sometimes I feel the pressure to try to be more like a normal family and interact more, but who’s to say that’s better?

I never understood the people who talk to their parents on a daily basis.  It was always a mystery to me what they had to talk about.  Over the past couple of years, I’ve learned that it’s really nothing.  They talk about absolutely nothing, really.  Boring things like the weather and meals and unimportant general statements here and there.  Recounts of days with some thoughts thrown in.  Yet that is exactly what makes it so nice.  They’re not talking to really learn anything most of the time; they’re talking just to converse with each other, share with each other.

That’s what I found today.  I learned a lot of random things that won’t matter in the long run, like my aunt is looking for skincare gift packages.  He, in turn, learned a lot of random mundane things too, like how I think sting rays would be great pets.  In a few weeks, I bet we won’t even remember this stuff, but it’ll have created a deeper sense of connection that can last.  It seems that those families that are constantly in contact can be close just because they exchange so much with each other over the years.

I guess there doesn’t always have to be a lucid point to each interaction.  I’ve never liked pointless conversation, at least not via a device (hence why phone calls rarely last over 2 minutes).  Unfortunately, most of the time that’s the only way to connect with my parents.  Another reason why I just don’t talk to them.  It’s too much effort, it’s too awkward, it’s completely pointless.  Now I’m seeing that it may not be – not entirely, anyway.

Just like old times, taking self-portraits in the car.

I got a chance to hang out with Katana yesterday and it never ceases to amaze me how each time we see each other, I don’t feel like she’s been gone for that long.  The last time I saw her was sometime during Christmas break a good nine months ago, but it’s easy for us to fall right back into an old pattern, an old routine.  I guess this is kind of how I live my life, since the same thing happens when my parents and I are reunited, and last month when I finally came back to LA and saw Panda again.  In each case, the time we spent apart doesn’t seem so long because of the ease in which we slip back into familiar territory.  Sure, a lot has changed, but fundamentally, we’re still the same.

It’s weird to think about Katana and Elle, who were the two best friends I had from my high school years at Valencia.  Ever since Katana and I graduated, with her going off to VMI, then NMMI, and I going off to UCLA, the three of us have only gotten to hang out sporadically, whenever it happened to work out.  Usually that meant about once or twice a year, particularly the over the holidays and/or during another one of our seasonal breaks.  And though interactions were few and far between, we were still the Asian girls who stood out and didn’t quite fit into the mould of what people expected girls, especially Asian girls, to be.  I guess that’s what ties us together in the end – this common way of life that leads us from “normal” girl activities to things like JROTC, where we met, or to be particularly outspoken about some feminist beliefs.

Sometimes I can’t believe I’ve known these two ladies for nearly 7 years now!  I haven’t ever known and stayed in contact with someone for that long.  Being that I moved every 3-4 years, that’s not too surprising.  For the first time in my life though, I’m going back to old friends again and again.  They are no longer memories to be stored away in a compartment labeled based on what city I knew them from.  Now they are a consistent prescense in my life, however fleeting that may be.  So I guess this is shocking to me because I don’t know what it’s like to have lifelong friends.  Do they all fare so well seeing each other so infrequently?  No matter where we are, whether it’s spread across three states in the US (like we are now), or spread across countries (as we’ve often been), I don’t need to see or even talk to these girls to know they will be there.  It’s kind of like family.

A picture is also like a moment frozen in time... photo credit: _Mike_Howard_ on flickr

Speaking of family, mine is also a very scattered one, with me seeing my relatives something like seven times over my lifetime and seeing my parents twice a year on average.  And though we’ve all grown a lot these two decades, I still think of my parents as 35-year-olds and honestly, only when I look closely do I realize they’re not anymore.  But in my head, there’s a semi-frozen image of my family members – my cousins are still budding young adults, my parents quite young, and my grandparents still sprightly.  Sure, we’ve added a few new members since then, but they kind of just get tacked on without the others gaining much in age.  I don’t know how it works in my mind, but that’s how I recall my closest kin.  Every time I see them again, even after four years away and so much that happened in between, I remember a lot of my childhood and the main processes remain unchanged.  I still get spoiled and stay with the same people and generally do and eat the same things.

Even for my parents, the few weeks I see them out of the year doesn’t seem so odd because those memories last me a long time.  I’ve got so much other stuff going on while I’m on my own that just touching base with them semi-annually is plenty to work from.  It does get lonely in the house sometimes when I’m the only one, but I’m used to solitude.  That was much like how our household functions anyway.  Besides, at my age, it’s time to be moving out and doing things on my own.  Much as I adore my house, Valencia is not really the place to jump start a career.  I’d rather be in Westwood or Santa Monica, or somewhere more central to the hubbub of LA.

Finally, the day that I came back after months away in Singapore, I was nervous to see Panda again.  It was our first time being apart since things really got started and it was certainly not a short period of time to cope with.  Even now I wonder how we managed, because not seeing him for a day can make me antsy.  I was glad that we fell pretty quickly back into a comfortable rhythm, working out our schedules around challenges, as we’ve always done.  I had been afraid that it would take some time to warm up again and that we may almost be like strangers for a bit, but that didn’t last very long.  Once again, time altered its flow for me (well, at least to my perception it did) and it was like a fraction of the time had actually passed.  I guess that’s what happens with people you care about.  Katana said it best: we have changed enough to have things to talk about, but haven’t changed so much that we don’t connect anymore.

My dad just forwarded an e-mail talking about the boom in jobs in the green sector.  That’s great but, umm, where are they?!  I would love a job in some sort of environmental firm, especially if it’s a consultancy.  But alas, the focus seems to mostly be on energy and more technical stuff, so maybe I really should look into starting up my own little thing.  Unfortunately, I would really need a partner who has the scientific background or some sort of environmental degree.  I’ve joked with Panda that I will start up a business with his brother, but hey, I’m totally up for that if it’s possible.  However, I haven’t even met the guy, so that’s really just a fantasy.  More realistically, I’ll be looking for a temp job to start giving me an income, then continuing my search for something a little more permanent as I try to build up a career.

One of my three darling kitties.

Today I looked into cat sitting jobs and considered applying to a pet services company.  It’s not exactly my ticket to a high-profile job, but it certainly is my passion.  I have a strong affinity for animals in general and felines in particular.  What’s better than spending my days with them?  I’d get a chance to move around the area, visit a bunch of cats, and occasionally stay over at people’s houses to watch the fellows.  Doesn’t sound like a bad deal, but of course then comes the question: where’s the future in that?  Even if I did run my own little business for that, I see it more as a side gig or something for retirement.  It’s certainly not the type of job I’d like to make a career out of, but more of one I’d like to maintain long-term as a hobby.  Short-term however, it’d be a great job to have as I try to find something with a bit more growth.

What I really want to get into is eco-consultancy, but where do I find such opportunities?  I’ve searched online for quite awhile and came up with Sustainability Works in Santa Monica, which is a non-profit that helps local companies change their ways to become more eco-friendly.  However, their focus is quite narrow and I’d like a company that services the greater Los Angeles area, so I’d get a chance to deal with people from a variety of cities in the area.  It’s surprisingly hard to find a job that apparently is popping up left and right.  Just gotta love how articles only talk about a trend without any sound evidence, with solid examples of companies hiring or something.

Tour themes were always a fun thing to plan.

I’m tempted to fall back on some old jobs just to earn some money (hopefully they’ve still got space for me!) in the time being.  Sad how lack of money is such a motivator.    For the moment, I’m really interested in a job at UCLA.  I remember seeing a friend leading some donors or other important people around campus for a tour and it seems that’s the closest I’ll get to being a tour guide for UCLA after graduation.  Everything else is student-led, so I’m out of luck in my dreams of being a fabulous tour guide (unless I attend graduate school?).  Well, we’ll see, I’ve been browsing the listings and there are some interesting ones!

Truly like a ninja.

I have a friend, Ninja, who lives his life in such a way that it should be worthy of being made into a movie.  In everything he does, that’s how he’ll treat things.  It’s quite fitting that everyone sees him as a ninja, prowling around doing all kinds of cool moves and getting into spectacular “fights.”  I’m sure everyone would love to have his approach to life.  It’s really quite cool, because then he’s always having exciting adventures.  It helps that he’s extremely athletic, so he can escape situations if needed.  One of the examples was when he went to the midnight showing of Indiana Jones (whichever one just came out in the past year or so) dressed in a leather jacket, leather hat/fedora thing, and (real) bullwhip.  After the show ended, he stood up on the balcony and cracked his whip to cheers and whistles until security approached.  He then made a run for it and got out unscathed.  Now how awesome is that?!

Having too much fun to write about it!

Well, the thing is, if you’re out having such a fantastic time all the time, you never have time to record it for others to enjoy or for it to be passed down in the books.  This is a dilemma that I face all the time as I ponder how worthwhile it is for me to maintain a daily journal.  It started back in 4th grade, when I wanted a diary from the Scholastic Fair, but my dad would only allow me to buy it if I promised to write in it every day.  I did, and he got me the diary, but never again asked about it.  It was only in the months and years following, when my parents would find me scribbling away at yet another volume of my journal, that they realized I was serious.  Maybe they didn’t hold me accountable for my promise, but I did.  They used to scold me that I was wasting my time writing so much and it was just a liu shui zhang, or ‘running water account’.  Basically, it meant that my writing was as useless as a bank account where all the funds were drained, or something to that extent.

Nonetheless, I pursued until about a year ago, when I truly started to get behind on my writing.  When I can’t find the time to write an entry each day (which has been the case for many years), I’ll keep bullet point notes to remind me of what to write about when I do have time to catch up.  I used to be able to catch up on a weekly basis, which then evolved to a monthly basis and now… yearly?  I still have tons of notes for all the days I’ve missed, though even those I’m behind on now.  I’m not too worried though, since with the brilliance of the internet, I can just check my Facebook, blog, texts, and IMs from a particular day to piece together what happened.  Not the best way to keep track of my life, but it works.

Have fun playing with friends or chill out writing alone?

My constant struggle with keeping a journal was that when I had a lot to write about, I had no time to write about it and when I had plenty of time to write, I had nothing to write about.  After all, if you’re too busy out doing fun and interesting things, you won’t have time to stop and spend some time writing about it.  Conversely, if you’ve got plenty of time sitting around, you aren’t really doing much exciting stuff to mention.  So I always question the existence of my journal and whether or not I should maintain it.  Even now, being so far behind, I fully intend to catch up on it eventually.  But is it worth the time?  Should I be doing something more notable instead?  I used to write when I couldn’t really do anything else, like when I was on planes or in a waiting room, but that doesn’t happen much anymore, so most of my time I can spend doing something else.  I’d like to live a storybook life, but I’d like to document it as well.  So where is my balance?  I don’t know if I’ll ever find one, but I will certainly always be striving towards one.

So many years in uniform.

Have you ever looked back on your life and wondered, Did I really do that? Well, I have.  It’s the strangest thing, to have this sort of disconnect with my old life.  Perhaps it’s because things have changed so drastically with each stage and each move that it seems odd that I lived through that.  Whatever the case, sometimes I’ll be recounting things in my life and then I catch myself and marvel that that was really me, that was really my experience.  There are times when I am talking about my life, but it almost feels like I am telling the story of someone else’s life.  I think it also has to do with a feeling of being so fortunate – was I so lucky to actually be able to have done that?  In fact I was, but it’s hard to believe at times.

ATVing in Hawaii after the Australia trip!

One of the main things I feel detached from these days is my childhood homes.  I’ll talk about how I was born in China and then lived in Pennsylvania, Kansas, Missouri, New York, and finally, California.  Then I’ll stop and think, how strange it was that I used to have half an acre of backyard to play with in Kansas.  Or that I went back to China for a year just for some cultural immersion.  With so many experiences that are so far-ranging, I guess it’s no wonder I feel like it was surreal at times.  Not many people get to go to Australia for two weeks or attend six boot camps or claim links to so many different places.  At times I marvel at the places I’ve had the chance to go to – it’s truly a blessing, though I’ll probably never have enough.  Travel is one of those things that doesn’t lose its charm as easily.  After all, there are just too many countries, too many cities, too many villages to go to!

My first prom dress was for this pageant.

Boot camps can be fun too!

Another aspect are the things I’ve been able to do.  They range from how I’ve kept a daily journal for thirteen years to working on a movie to visiting China annually in the summer.  Sometimes these things just seem too good to be true – did I really have that dedication?  Did I really rub elbows with Tom Waits?  Did my parents really spend that much money on me each year?  Even a basic part of my identity leaves me grateful – was I really fortunate enough that my parents were able to leave China?  It’s hard to live up to parents who are cream of the crop in intellect, but it’s a blessing what I’ve gotten because of that.  I can hardly imagine the disaster I’d be if I had grown up in China, being too masculine for my own good and not wanting to get stuck in a boring desk job.  Everything I’ve gotten to experience because of my American nationality is something that I may take for granted normally, but definitely not something I’ll ever forget was a gift to me from my hardworking parents.

At the same time, some of my own accomplishments amaze me too.  How did I balance 10 classes and two sports on three teams?  I was running around from 4 AM to 10 PM during my peak in high school, and then I had to do homework too.  Just thinking about that tires me out now, but I felt so good doing it then.  Similarly, the strenuous activities I did at the various boot camps I opted to attend make me wonder where all that energy came from (perhaps the MREs).  How were we able to march for so many miles and sleep so little?  How were we able to stay awake during classroom lectures (well, with the help of standing)?  When I stop to think of that it really takes to do that, it’s quite cool.

I'm on camera!

I’m sure everyone has something in their lives that if they stopped to really evaluate, they’d be proud of saying they did.  From my peers at UCLA who are attending a world class university to fellow ex-cadets who underwent the same boot camps, everyone makes themself worth something, somehow.  I think it doesn’t hurt to stop and consider how astonishing some of the things we’ve done are.  Maybe I’m just looking at everything through rosy glasses now, but I love thinking about all the cool things I’ve done.  Even the negative things I’ve experienced leave me in awe, wondering if I was really able to overcome that.  So to everyone who has done something extraordinary, whether it’s pay your way through college or excel at an art or sport, here’s to you!  May we all celebrate our accomplishments and learn to appreciate ourselves better.

I’ve always preferred to be unconventional.  From the more normal things, like being a little outrageous here and there to more trend-setting or baffling behavior, I’m far happier doing that than what is average and common.  Just looking at me though, you may not expect me to do such things and in observing me, you may not think I really break out of the mold that much.  Well, much of that is just due to circumstance – these little unusual things I do happened to me, so it doesn’t look like I’m actively seeking them out.  This goes for the way I’ve gotten jobs to the unexpected behavior that I may exhibit randomly.

For starters, I’m hugely independent, so I don’t like being like others.  However, this sometimes battles with the part of me that is very complacent and a “good girl.”  So you’ll find that my rebellions and the way that I stand out is still somehow buried in the acceptable context and framework of societal expectations.  Still, I like to feel like I have the space to spread my wings and fly around as I need to.  Part of my fear of settling down somewhere is how stifled I will feel not getting the constant exposure to new neighborhoods, subcultures, and experiences that I got as a child moving around so much.  I’ve gotten used to that pattern of life: show up somewhere as the “new kid,” make some friends and try to fit in somewhere, then move on to the next place and start over again.

What other job lets you have tea with such guests?

As for jobs, the great majority of them involved moving around or doing things on my own time and that’s exactly what I want to do now.  After all, it’s been my dream to be an entrepreneur for many years now!  Unfortunately, my parents are having trouble accepting this and just want to see me get a steady job with insurance and benefits.  Yup, as long as I can get health insurance and some other more standard benefits that come from working a typical job, they’re happy.  Sad to say that’s exactly what I don’t want.  I don’t want a desk job and I certainly don’t like working a 9-5 shift.  So what can I do that offers me full benefits and allows me to move around all the time, setting my own work hours?  I can’t think of much, or really anything at all.

I’ve been dreaming of doing some freelance work here and there to bring in some money as I find the resources to start my own business.  But alas, I’ve got parental pressures to consider, though I know how dreadful a “normal” job would be for me.  Even now I find I easily lose focus when I’m not particularly interested in a task or not in the right state of mind or mood.  At least here there is flexibility to move around if need be, working from the couch, the high desk, the big table, or my own desk.  Plus, I get enough new tasks that I can spread out my work and do a little bit of this, a little bit of that, with some personal readings and whatnot in between.  I’m scared of what I’d find in a standard (stifled) corporate environment.

So, what am I to do?  I defiantly told my dad how I don’t want to sit at a desk all day and I’d rather not earn money or have insurance than suffer through that.  My stubbornness and strong will is not allowing me to back down or compromise, though it’s not like I’m eliminating a job just because it involves sitting at a desk.  Maybe I can start with a franchise and go from there, but really, what entrepreneur doesn’t take risks and often not earn much for years?  I just don’t see how health insurance factors in before my personal mental and emotional well-being, even if I do understand why it’s so important to my parents.

I didn’t really rebel as a teenager, so I feel like I’m at that stage now.  Suddenly I have all these ideas and things I want to try, but I’m just so misunderstood by my parents.    Do I sound like an angsty teen yet?  But seriously, now is the time to take risks, before I have so much to lose, no?  What’s the worst that can happen?  I fall flat on my face and have to resort to a boring, normal life for awhile.  It’s not like I’m incapable of earning income; it’s just that pretty much every way I can get a reliable one is completely undesirable to me.

I wish I had more freedom to fly.

I am a strangely stubborn person.

Singapore National Day photo credit: Alec Ee, photo.net

This weekend, I called up my dad to talk about plans to travel, which my mom is not keen on.  He was open at first, telling me to cut back on the countries and he’d talk to her, but I was unsatisfied with the compromise.  For in cutting back on countries, I would also need to cut back on time and cutting back on time meant having to leave earlier, but leaving earlier meant missing National Day.  Now normally this would not be a big deal, after all, I’ve only ever heard of this celebration recently, but what is important to me is that the people I’ve been working with day in and day out wanted to share this experience with me.  When else would I get that opportunity?  I’m not even sure when the next time I can come back to this part of the world would be.

On the other side of things, I could just spend more time milling around Singapore, but in moving to the new place, we had agreed to a one-month period assuming I’d be gone for a month.  This would then add another week or two to that stay, which is far too much extra to ask for.  And in this situation, it’s not like they’d be able to chase me out, since they’d feel bad knowing that I have nowhere to go.  I guess it goes back to my age-old habit of trying to please everyone at the expense of myself (and, in turn, my parents).  So rather than miss out on the holiday and leaving early or asking for an extension to my living arrangement, my focus was on making both work out.

I wanted to be the ultimate tourist and find scenes like this! photo credit: ishs.org

So though I knew that pushing for more would get me nowhere, I had defend my reasons.  Certainly other issues got in the way, mainly the different attitudes we have towards this period in my life.  My parents are waiting for me to get a stable job (which apparently means one with insurance) but I’m planning on spending these years exploring my options, interests, and capabilities.  At some point my stubbornness took over and it was no longer about what I wanted, but it became an issue of rebellion.  I stopped caring whether or not they’d help pay for some of my expenses and instead needed to express myself.  Perhaps I’m too adamant about getting an unconventional job (and preferably never a desk job again, or at least one that involves a lot of moving around), but for the coming months I’m not about to change my mind.

Now the most interesting thing to come of this was when my dad commented that with my psych background, I should know how to speak to him in such a way that would convince him of my desires so I could get what I want.  Well, I’m not out to use my knowledge to manipulate people.  Sure, I can work it to my advantage, but then I’d be treating others as fools, merely using them as pawns.  I’d much rather be the rebellious, stubborn daughter that I am than suppress that to get my way.  My dad said that I may have won the battle but not the war, but what he doesn’t get is that I’m not out to win.  I just want to make my position clear, which in the end puts me in a “losing” scenario, but I don’t feel the loss.  I’d rather scale down and pay my own way or go forth and find other ways to fund it than owe even more to my parents.  I’m only comfortable with owing them if they’re gladly willing to help, rather than reluctantly agreeing to.

photo credit: weber.edu

No matter what happens, I know two things: 1. I will make the best of it and 2. I will never forget it (though I will not regret it either).  It’s a self-preservation mechanism that we all have: whatever happens, we will find a way to justify how that is better than the other options (otherwise we’ll sink into depression and perhaps end with suicide).  So, if I go to fewer places, I will justify that experience by focusing on the extra time I had at each place.  Even if somehow I end up not going anywhere at all, I’ll justify that by thinking of the money I saved or how it’ll be more fun to go with someone.  That’s just how the human psyche works.  Whenever something we don’t want happens, will find a way to make it seem not so bad or even good or else we’d drive ourselves crazy with regret.  As for not forgetting, I’ll always recall how much I wanted to travel in the fast-paced manner that I spent my time in Europe.  I may not yearn for it too much (after justifying why it didn’t happen and convincing myself why what ended up happening was better), but I will always remember how it could have been.  Sure I’ll get over it (in fact, I already have, since now I don’t have to spend as much effort planning and just thinking about the hectic pace makes me feel tired), but I will never forget these lavish dreams that I had.

Oh the nuances of the human mind.

Perhaps it is time for some soul searching of sorts (in terms of career potential).

Demoing health food forever?

A few weeks ago, Starfish requested a list of my passions to help me figure out what I want to do and where I can go.  It was surprisingly harder than I thought – after all, who doesn’t know what they love, right?  Yet, it seems that my trouble is what I truly love not always being a viable source of work to pursue.  First let me share what I came up with:

~ emerging forms of media (especially social media at the moment)

~ people’s stories (whether hearing them or sharing them)

~ observing people (their behavior, interactions, and body language)

~ novel things, places, and experiences (travel, broad interactions)

~ health issues (diet and exercise/fitness, organic/all-natural foods)

~ environmentalism (conservation, recycling, and sustainability)

My darling Simon. How can you not find him adorable?

~ volunteering with animals (mostly cats)

~ background/support work (researching, planning)

~ the military (particularly the Marine Corps!)

Ok, so where does that put me?

1. I’ve hardly used social media enough to claim expertise as so many do.  However, I am very dedicated to my blog and have made it a point to post on a daily basis.  Still, at best, this would be a supplementary service for some sort of package integrated marketing consultation service.

2. Though I like to hear people’s stories, I’m certainly not interested in journalism nor do I feel like the right vessel to help share those stories.  I’m also not that great a storyteller.  I have had dreams about talking to homeless people to find out how they got into their situation and then helping to groom them to reintegrate to society.

3. Noticing the little nuances in how people go about their days doesn’t exactly translate into a career and is more of an enhancement to how I learn to deal with people.  Maybe I’ll start a little side blog with snippets of the things I observe.

One of my favorite views - out a plane window.

4. Being introduced to new people, new places, and new things would be a cool temporary thing to do or a nice addition to my job, but isn’t exactly a career in itself if I want to settle down.  This is where my dream of competing in The Amazing Race comes into play.

5. I’m not enough of a fitness or health food nut to delve into this so deeply.  At best I could be an advocate for eating less meat to save the environment, eating organic and local to save your community, and exercising regularly and eating well to save yourself.

6. I’ve been doing a lot of research and reading in the green field, since it is what I want to build a company from sometime in my life.  Starfish made a very wise suggestion in mentioning I can start to attend conferences of the sort, get involved in the field.  I’ll certainly be looking into that (hopefully there are free ones).  I’ve been meaning to go to the UCLA Institute of the Environment to see if there’s anything I can get involved in.

My precious Jerriey. Great for stress relief.

7. I actually started looking at cat sitting services and boarding houses to see the rates they charge at.  I’m not sure how I would handle spending time with all these adorable felines and not getting to keep them.  I think I’m more of a cat owner at heart, though I do like to go play with and take care of them at shelters.

8. Researching and other support work is yet another one of those things that I prefer to use to enhance my work rather than to define my work.

Yeah, I wanted to be one of them. The first Marines I ever encountered.

9. Once upon a time I had fantasies about being a Marine.  Then lots of things got in the way and I decided that I was not meant for that path.  However, my love/obsession/fascination for the military will always be strong, so I’d love to find a way to work with them.  At one point I considered trying to do their marketing.  That’s still an option…

What really invigorates me?  Sitting at my computer reading articles about green technology, environmentally-friendly

One of the half dozen military boot camps I went to. They're strangely invigorating for body and mind. That's me holding the red guide-on!

products, and fresh wholesome natural food.  Spending time with and observing animals.  Traveling around the world and getting a peek at the lives of others so different from mine.  Hearing about the interesting backstories of people’s lives.  Spending time alone pondering and introspecting; also, watching people pass me by.  Contemplating (and trying to go out and do) fun ways to be fit and well.  Hearing about anything related to the military.

What I’m really looking for is freedom.  Freedom to sleep in and stay up ridiculously late.  Freedom to get work done in different places on different days.  Freedom to meet new people and learn new things all the time.  Freedom to step away from society.  Freedom to be on my own.  Freedom to think.

At the same time, I want financial security.  Enough to live comfortably, to support a family, and to send the kids off to college without loans looming over them.  Basically, what I had the privilege of growing up with.  There are few gifts like responsible and successful parents who allow you to start your working life loan-free.  I’d like to be able to provide that as well.  In terms of long-term career goals, my main focus is sustainability in all aspects – mentally, emotionally, financially, physically.

So… any ideas?