Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

Shock and awe

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , ,
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24 hours ago, I went to bed stunned. I really did believe that America would vote Hillary Clinton into office. Perhaps I was too naive.

It’s been a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions in the ensuing hours. I’m pretty sure I went through all the stages of grief and then started all over again today. For a period, I also blocked out the memory and managed to forget. I’m still grappling with how exactly I feel and what I think. It’s pretty insane.

I know it’s not the end of the world, or even the country. But I do truly feel that we could be headed down a dark path. Based on what happened in the campaign, there’s a lot to worry about. Luckily the government has power spread out and things don’t generally move very fast. I’m hoping the more extreme ideas never come to fruition and I know we’ll be looking out for ways we can help ensure that’s the case.

At this point, I think it’s important to remain hopeful and to be strong with those who value humanity without labels that separate. There has been so much division and disagreement in the discourse. I can empathize that certain Americans have been unhappy. I do not pretend to understand their plight, but I would certainly be upset if I felt marginalized and ignored.

However, I wish that this election wasn’t the way for the disenfranchised to lash out. Will they really get what they want out of it? I’m doubtful… only time will tell. I personally could not ignore the consistent bullying and belittling. That is not the temperament and character of a president. I cannot respect a man like that.

I’ve seen a lot of people shocked, disappointed, upset, appalled, disgusted, and in disbelief. I am many of those things too, but at the same time, I have hope that the next couple of years will pan out in a more positive way than we expect in our fearful state. I know many will be working to secure a better future than we might foresee right now. I believe that’s what we’ll need.

For now, I’m taking a moment to mourn. There will be some tough roads ahead.

Zooming time

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: ,
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I don’t know what is going on, but my sense of time recently has been all out of wack. Was it already two days ago that I last posted? I feel like it’s been a blink of the eye. The hours at night always seem that way, yet the daytime hours drag. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was blogging?

Ooooh! I just realized that the clock is after midnight…

Well I guess this is a sign that I’m too tired to be up much longer. At least I know I’m not completely crazy. Nonetheless, time does feel very odd these days. Too fast yet too slow all at once. You ever feel that?

In search

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , ,
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I’ve been watching a bunch of YouTube videos for the past couple of weeks (yeah, I’m only like 10 years late to the game). While much of what I’ve seen is inspirational and/or thought-provoking, it’s actually made me rather sad. So many people talk about doing what you love, being passionate… and they seem to have it figured out. They’ve been driven to do the things they do from something deep inside. They know what they just can’t live without. They know their passion and they embrace it.

Meanwhile, I have struggled. There are plenty of things I am passionate about: business culture, sustainability, animals, technology. I’ve considered career paths in each, but I struggle with seeing myself completely devoting my life to any one of those. So perhaps I’m not approaching it correctly; perhaps I should be considering how I can balance the many passions I have. That’s not easy though, since if you want to excel at something, you really need to dedicate a lot of time and energy to it. And then I get caught up in the little details, like how I want to avoid working in an office because I love being outside or how I want a somewhat predictable yet flexible schedule so I have more control over when I work. Am I asking for too much?

I guess I’ve been stumped all this time because there might not be something out there that is consistently outdoors at least 20-40% of the time, doesn’t generally require early mornings (or any mornings), allows for and might even require periodic travel, and is pretty stable. The criteria for a job that would be ideal might not be attainable. Then again, I’m probably focusing on the wrong things. After all, when you’re passionate about something, all those other details seem to fall away.

So there it is again, that idea that you need to figure out the passion of your life and do it. If only it were so easy for me to decide what that passion would be. Others make it seem effortless. It’s the thing that they’ve loved since childhood. They don’t even need to think about it. They just start talking about it and their eyes light up, they smile broadly, and they could go on for ages. When I think about what my passion might be, the ones I’ve thought of never hit me like a lightning bolt of inspiration. I haven’t thought, “I must do that. My soul needs that.” That’s sort of the moment of enlightenment I’ve been hoping for.

One of the videos I watched today mentioned the things that come naturally. Everyone has talents where things appear effortless. Mine include being cheerful, sharing, noticing details, and (over)thinking. If you count those as talents. They are certainly the traits I have that come naturally, without a conscious effort. I wish I had a more concrete talent like being artistic or being athletic. Those are easily translated into some type of work that you can pursue. But how does something like ‘being cheerful’ tie in to work? I can apply my skills to any job I have, but are any of them something I can do in and of themselves? Not really.

I envy the people in the world who just know what they want. They may not have had an easy time pursuing their deepest heart’s desire, but they had a goal and direction. I feel like I’m in the center of a glob, with too many spokes leading me outward toward the edge. Which one do I choose to go with?

 

Have you had this sort of challenge as well? What do you think would help?

If the world could be like us

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , ,
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There’d be less judgment.

We’d get to do what we want, without sideways glances or raised eyebrows.

Openmindedness would fuel our way of life.

We wouldn’t constrict ourselves to “acceptable” standards to avoid scrutiny.

Empathy would drive our understanding and decision-making.

We’d be comfortable expressing ourselves as is.

Assumptions would not be made.

We could each thrive in what makes us feel happy – in what feels right.

One rotten apple…

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , ,
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She’s a poison coursing through my veins. Each interaction injects me with more venom, until I can hardly take it anymore. My mind fights the toxins but my body is weak… and all too easily I become consumed. This negativity must stop.

When I look at her (if I have to) I see ugliness. If I stare too long, the snaking tendrils of Medusa’s serpents take hold. Oh, but she’s a multi-faced chameleon. She’ll do what suits her best and get everything to her benefit. She’ll play you if she can. It’s a mirage though, and the moment you lose usefulness, she’ll throw you aside. Another carcass on the road.

Careful to avoid those eyes. Those dark, black, soulless eyes. If you don’t get lost in the abyss and turn to stone, you’ll become one of her kind. Who needs a vampire’s bite when you have piercing eyes of fury? Eyes that haunt me in my sleep, thrust me awake from their cruelty.

They say that one rotten apple ruins the bunch (and it’s true). Indeed, I can see the disease spreading. It’s not crippling, but the limping it causes is certainly not ideal. How much struggling can you handle before you break entirely? Make this rotting stop, before all is lost. Let’s cut out all the browning bits of apple and remind ourselves of the beauty of a fresh, ripe fruit. Don’t allow that one to ruin the bunch irreparably.

Weary

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , ,
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Have you ever wanted to just give up?

Sometimes I really question myself. I put on my brave face and even fool myself for awhile, but then it resurfaces, that uncertainty. The child who often didn’t feel that connected with her peers. The girl who never really fit in. The woman who thought it’d be easier by now.

Why do I place such importance on the opinions of those who really don’t matter? Why can’t I revel in the love and appreciation I do have? We always want what we don’t have, don’t we? When I think about it, it’s silly, really. Wasting all this time and effort and heartbreak on the unimportant things. Expending so much energy worrying and forcing those closest to me to suffer the pouty moods. Why do I let it get to me so? Why can’t I stop caring?

I am worn, I am weary. I don’t want to trudge along like this. I used to be so happy; I used to be so carefree… and I wish I knew how to shake off the sadness and return to that place. So I write. I write and I write and I write. Then I read a little. And I sit and think until my brain protests. So I spill it all out as drafts of posts I may never share, or I put pen to paper and smell that intoxicating scent of ink. Maybe I can purge my mind that way. Maybe.

I just want to have fun again.

To be a bird

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , , ,
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Ah, to be a bird

Where air is my element

And I flit about nay a care in the world

Light as a feather, nimble as a mouse

Free to go up, down, all around

 

I could put it all behind me

Escape to another world

If I please, if I please…

 

And if I tire, I’d find a perch

Gaze down at the world so far away

Noticing every detail with my razor-sharp vision

Letting myself be free

Free to be me

 

Oh how glorious it would be.

 

I didn’t set out to write prose that resembles a poem, but I guess that’s how my thoughts sort of gathered themselves. It’s funny that I began writing this last night and then this afternoon, a hawk glided along to a stop near me, right on a rock on the ground. It’s not often you see these birds of prey so low to the ground, calmly sitting. It watched as I walked around to get a picture of it and let me take one. Before I could get a better position and zoom in more, it was off again, sailing ever so gracefully into the sky. I’m so inspired by these great birds – in fact, I’ll be writing about them again for today’s 365great.

hawk sitting on rocks in snowy icy terrain behind iced over branches

Can you spot the hawk hiding behind the branches near the top of the rocks?

I’ve long admired these creatures, not only because they are so powerful and elegant all in one, but because they get to fly. I wish my body could allow me to go airborne whenever I want. It’s so beautiful up in the air and everything is so crisp and clear. They represent empowerment and freedom to me, which are things that I value deeply. Beyond that, I’d love to spread my wings and take myself away from this place sometimes. Wouldn’t it be nice to retreat from the world for awhile and find your peace? Get lost in your own thoughts and not worry about the rest of the world.

Oh, to be a bird…

Languishing

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
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I’ve been in and out of a funk lately. For a time, I was focusing on a new project, but ever since I got back to the West Coast I haven’t really been able to concentrate on it. Instead, I found myself getting into my blogging again, with a big bout of inspiration. Also, I picked up a hobby obsession with entering (and winning!) sweepstakes/giveaways. Oh, and I’ve started to carve out a little piece of the reviewing world for myself, getting some products for free in exchange for feedback for those brands/companies.

sitting on front porch with legs extended working on laptop

Why wouldn’t I want to work on my front porch?


While all this is good and well, it’s not exactly a career unless I get a mad following or something. I’ve been working on promoting my blog more and I’ve seen improvement, but still, it’s tough to make a good living as a blogger and few people can rely on it solely. I’m enjoying myself and doing what I like, but I can’t help but feel that others are judging me for my lack of career at this point. It makes me wonder if I should be more eager to get back into the work force and earn a more steady income.

I’m a stubborn one, so the more people try to push me towards “normalcy” the more I want to buck against it. But I do see the benefits – I mean, I don’t want to have financial difficulties in my life. I’ve been fortunate to never have been in debt or had anything I couldn’t pay back and I never plan on experiencing that. Perhaps it’s unfair to assume the “housewife” role and stay at home doing what I can online as Panda goes out to work each day.

sitting under cabana working photo edited rainbow filter

Enjoying the weather while working? Certainly!


Still, I can’t help but wonder why I need to join all those Americans who work too hard, stress themselves out, and don’t even have fun along the way. What’s the point of earning a ton of money if you’re risking your health and happiness? Why is it that career success is often seen as more important than personal success (like within the home)? Perhaps that’s what’s wrong with this society. There’s so much glamour in earning a big paycheck, driving a fancy car, owning a large home, and otherwise living the “high life.”

Meanwhile, the quality of life and your personal well-being is completely ignored. Is a crazy high income worth never being home? Is a super busy schedule worth the shortcuts you take for your health? Maybe I’ve been taking it easy for too long (a year), but I sure do enjoy this ability to sleep in or stay up as I feel and manage my time freely. Are you only “good enough” if you’re sleep-deprived, too busy for socializing or relaxing, and soaring in your career? It sure seems that way, what with people bragging about how crazy their lives are.

lounging by pool in cabana with view of harbor

Should I feel guilty I get to work like this?


It’s sad really, that I almost feel ashamed that I’m not overworked. In fact, it’s just guilt that maybe I’m not being ambitious enough with my earning potential that is causing me this stress right now. I’m perfectly happy otherwise – I get time with family, I get work done, I get rest, and I am pretty well-balanced with the areas of my life. But I bet there are those who would look down on me and my situation and think that they’re better off because they have a nice paycheck. It’s not that I don’t want to earn money – I’ve just seen how big the trade-off is and I’m no longer sure that all that insanity is worth it.

I’ll probably still end up getting into the grind, working at that rat race that never seems to end. Yes, even entrepreneurs who don’t enter the traditional rat race find themselves in one of their own. Anybody with a job in the US isn’t truly immune to the intense competition, no matter what your industry or role. All because our society has developed in such a way that we aren’t deemed “successful” otherwise. And gosh darn it, I’m not about to disappoint my family. If they see failure in no high-power career, then I guess I’ll try to build that nice little career. But I’ll probably still languish around from time to time since I can’t quite say that it’s what I truly want. However, I don’t want to be dead weight and/or a burden either. So I guess it’s time to suck it up and get back in touch with my work-related ambitions.

On My Mind – the debut!

laelene Posted in on my mind,Tags: , , , , , , ,
7

(Linking up with Jennifer of Ramblings of a Suburban Mom for Thursday Thoughts)

Ok, so I’ve really been enjoying the updates from Jen at Ramblings of a Suburban Mom and I particularly like how she shares her thoughts and what’s going on in her life – most of which we readers/followers can certainly relate to! I often have a ton of random thoughts that I like to share as well, so I’m adapting a version of her “Monday Morning Ramblings” + “Tuesday Troubles” + “So What Wednesdays” + “What I’m Loving Wednesdays” + “Thursday Thoughts” + “Friday iPhone Dump” + “Saturday Smiles.”

I’m going to roll them all into one post every now and then, highlighting what’s been going on and what’s on my mind. And so, I’m dubbing it “On My Mind,” though it will likely include any snippet from my life that I want to share! Call it a “mind dump” if you will. 😛 I’ll try to make it all easy-to-digest bullet points and include some pictures/videos to help illustrate some of the points. So here we go!

firehouse sub sandwich with pickle slice~As I was going through the TSA checkpoint earlier this week, the guy manning the x-ray machine asked who brought the sub sandwich. I had a brief second of “oh no they’re going to confiscate it!” before bracing myself and cheerfully saying, “It’s mine!” He then asked, “Oh and you got a pickle with it too?” He seemed pleased when I was surprised that he could tell there was a pickle slice on the side. Random, but it made me smile.

~When I boarded the plane, I saw a guy mounting his GoPro on the window so he could capture our flight. I can see him doing some sort of time lapse with that footage. I wonder what the end result looks like!

~Why do I always get the wing seats?? I hate having the wings obstructing my view of everything below, but those seem to be the only window seats open whenever I book a flight. I need to travel more and rack up mileage so I can get in front of the wing!

~There were 4 boxes waiting for me when I arrived home and 3 of them were things I had gotten for free! Pretty exciting. Two of those were from winning giveaways and the other was from writing 100+ reviews on Gogobot.

naturopathica holistic health skin care regimen kit for normal to oil skin

Box 1: Naturopathica Skin Care Regimen Kit

naturopathica oat facial polish, rosemary oil-reducing moisturizer, aloe cleansing gel, and plant stem cell serum

Inside the box: Oat Facial Polish, Rosemary Oil-Reducing Moisturizer, Aloe Cleansing Gel, & Plant Stem Cell Serum.

gogobot box of swag with (headphones, bottle opener keychain, t-shirt, and fancy toiletry bag

Box 2: Gogobot swag (headphones, bottle opener keychain, t-shirt, & fancy toiletry bag).

ko denmark jasmine neroli rose body wash

Box 3 had the body wash I’d won from Nuts 4 Stuff!

~That 4th box was a Blissmo box I’d ordered and I attempted to do an unboxing video today. Verdict: I’m not good at it & it’s not worth the effort! I’ll still to pictures for now.

~I was invited to my first survey to qualify for a VoxBox from Influenster! I was sad when I first joined because my score was a lowly 30 and didn’t budge after I completed a bunch of activities. Turns out it just takes their system time to register the new activity and my score jumped to 89! Hopefully I qualify for this mystery box… I’d love to review something like that.

~I’ve been entering a lot of sweepstakes & giveaways and I noticed something funny in many of the Official Rules – if the contest is open to Canadian residents, they require a competency test involving some basic arithmetic… why in the world?!

(click to enlarge) sweepstakes official rules requiring canadians to pass arithmetic test

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