I miss the amenities of home – being able to go and buy my own food, make my own food, come and go as I please, and just feel in charge of my life. I had a dream the other night that my grandma was living here; I was elated to discover this because it meant I could move in with her and take care of myself again. Staying at Marylin’s is something I wouldn’t say that I’m struggling with per se, but I certainly am having some trouble with it. There’s a sense of freedom in being responsible for taking care of myself. I’m used to doing most household chores myself and now and it’s weird to have food cooked for me, my clothes washed for me, and my things cleaned for me. It makes me feel too much like a guest.
Today was refreshing because I took it upon myself to wash some items, but I still feel strange whenever I’m in the kitchen, so I’m certainly not about to pull out a pan to cook myself something. Instead, I bought myself some salad and fruit to eat, but since I spend most of my time at the office, I’m keeping them there. My eating habits don’t match up with any traditional method or what people tend to do (however many meals a day) – I like to snack throughout the day and have one or two larger meals, but mostly just be munching every hour. That’s a lot harder to do when the food is offered up and then it’s expected to be cleared away after a certain period.
I also like to wander around outside or drive around, which is not exactly an option for me here. I suppose I could always go downstairs for a stroll or a swim (I wonder if I need a special key for entry?), but I feel bad making someone open the door for me whenever I get back. It’s difficult to find a good balance between doing what I want to and also not getting in the way or being an inconvenience. I tend to think everything I do is disruptive except for staying in the room, out of everyone’s way. And so that is what I do for pretty much 90% of the time that I am here.
It’s an unfortunate combination of factors working here. For one, it’s not worth it to move to my own place – I’d end up paying to be here and I don’t want to dig into my savings (or my parents’ generosity). Yet, staying with her poses a myriad of conundrums. I’m very grateful that Marylin and her family have so generously taken me in, but I feel like I have to tiptoe around everything. I don’t want to use too much of their resources. I feel guilty every time her mom so kindly buys me lunch that is ready for me when I wake up on the weekends. I feel awkward asking their maid to do anything, so I try to do it myself, but then I feel like I’m breaching her territory. I try to stay away from the living room in case that makes them feel like they can’t use that space. I don’t talk to her parents very much because I don’t want to disturb them.
All these things are nobody’s fault, but just unfortunate byproducts of the situation. I’d much rather be on the other end, offering my home and resources to others. In fact, I often imagine how things could be when I get back and after we’ve found a way to get Marylin over there too (and possibly others!). Of course, everything else I miss about home doesn’t help things either. I’ve been getting a lot of invites to events occurring on campus and I wish I could be there to attend, as an alumna now. This weekend is the Festival of Books and it will be the second year that Livescribe has a booth there. Last year I was there, working the booth as a campus rep, so I wish them another successful weekend!
I’m going to compile a list of all the things I want/should do in Singapore (and maybe nearby countries, if I can make it) and start figuring out when I’ll have time to get around to doing them all. That’ll help get me out of the house, see more of Singapore, andkeep me entertained. I shouldn’t spend my weekends lying around all day, drinking water incessantly and doing who knows what online. Sometimes I amaze myself with how I distract myself. I hope that before I know it, I’ll be headed home (though a bit nostalgic and sad to be leaving here).
