photo credit: markterrybooks.com

At moments, my mind is clouded by a foggy haze.  Thoughts no longer come in lucidly and I can just imagine the transmissions in my brain slowing down.  It’s hard to focus when an invisible weight sets foot on your cranium and won’t dissolve, no matter how you try.  In fact, it’s almost like corn starch in water or a Chinese finger trap, where the harder you try, the more resistant it gets.  So I’ve given up fighting against the current and decided that it’s time to let my weary mind rest for the night.  I have no clue what has brought on this mental murkiness, but along with it I feel a sense of increased agitation and restlessness.

Snippets of thoughts run through my head – things to remember, things to do, things to… wait, what was I thinking again? A train of thought is lost just as easily as another takes its place and my mind jumps around lethargically in a way completely unlike the normal stream of thoughts that has me working at a quick pace.  I remember websites I meant to visit and read, but I’ve no patience to go through the words.  My left eye feels more strained than my right and that irks me.  I remember moments that I was harsh or irresponsible towards Panda and I get a pang of guilt.

Too many choices lay in my path and I can’t seem to rationalize my decisions.  Everything is a good path, so how do I choose just one?  I want to go to all these events, but I don’t have the time and shouldn’t use the resources to.  I’ve been craving ice cream all night long and never got around to getting some.  I’ve wasted way too much  time agonizing over when I’ll gain access to Google Wave, then researching Google Voice and MetroPCS instead.  Why?  Because I’m curious and wanted to learn about them.  But I feel at a standstill, unable to get what I want though I know what it is that I’d love so much.  A lot of that has to do with my job search.

I wouldn’t say I’ve found a dream job, but I’ve found one that fits my main specifications and sounds wonderful:

1. with UCLA

2. environment-related

3. decent pay with benefits

4. small work environment

But I haven’t heard back and it’s frustrating because I hate the whole job hunting process and I’d like to just get a job and settle a bit.  Much as I enjoy what I’m doing now, there’s huge pressure from my parents to find a job.  I don’t think they want anything else from me now, even if I win an award or get to do something prestigious.

I'd like some tranquility and a sense of accomplishment right about now. photo credit: healthyoga.com

My body feels out of sync and I’m getting more conscious of my unevenness.  I haven’t had a proper workout for ages because I’ve been telling myself that I’ll start up a routine once I get a job.  See, even I’m placing these restrictions on myself.  I just want to land that job, get an apartment, get that new car, and begin a routine.  Strange.  I’m not one for routines and doing the same thing over and over again.  But at the same time, I’d like a little more pattern in my life.  Living week to week is not sustainable.  So many things hinge on settling (and having money): starting to attend yoga classes, joining a massage clinic, picking up more hobbies, getting more creative with cooking, hitting up more restaurants, going to football/basketball games, getting alumni membership in Alpha Kappa Psi, reading books again…  I’m putting off everything requiring money or a steady time commitment.  After all, I don’t want to start something just to have to change when I do start working full-time.