I’m frustrated.

This bad economy has made it very difficult for me to find a job and I’m starting to get impatient.  Here I am, at 5 (well, now nearly 8 that I’m posting this…) in the morning, still not sleeping because I’m so angst-filled I can’t.  I can only stare at job listings for so many hours a day, day in and day out, before it all becomes a blur and what I want becomes too similar to what’s out there.  Let’s not even get into the pain of sorting through the legitimate stuff and the sketchy postings.  My parents keep telling me to just get a job first and then worry about getting one I actually want.  However, I just can’t do that.  I can loosen my desired fields and responsibilities, but I am not going apply for every single job I am close to qualified for.  I’d just end up doing something I won’t care about to want to get up in the morning.  Plus, no matter how temporary, it’d be a job I’d have to stick with for a couple of months at the least.

I have this terrible fear that if I get started in a position that is too whatever-focused, I’m going to end up doing that for far too long for me to be happy.  Not that I need to be happy all the time, of course.  Right now the thought of the whole job hunt makes me cringe, but I do it because I need to support myself.  I’d love a job that’s a little bit of this and that, touching on many of my interests.  I don’t want to get restricted to just one area.  Am I being too short-sighted?  I’d love to get into some of the areas I’ve worked in, but I also don’t want to drown in them.  Also, it’d be great to work for a non-profit, but I will need to learn how a for-profit works.  Everything I do now I’d hope would be useful for me in the future as an entrepreneur.  And sure, all of the above would be great for that, but what I really want is something in the green space and/or at UCLA.  (That’s not all that I’m applying for, of course.)

I don’t really know why I am so stubborn, however I have applied for plenty of jobs that may not fit the bill of what I want perfectly, but would be something I care about enough to work hard at and have enough experience in to make a real contribution.  Unfortunately, I’m not exactly hearing back yet.  I have experience in a lot of areas, but not extensive in any particular area.  I wonder if that’s hurting me.  It’s also extremely difficult to figure what exactly is an entry-level job!  The job I really wanted I lost out to someone who’s been working for 3-5 years, I believe.  With all these people who have anywhere from 1 to 5 years edge on me, how do I leverage myself?  The competition these days is harsh and I am always up against people with more/better experience.

On the bright side, I’m going to speak with the boss at my internship next week to go over what I want to learn while I’m there and what I want to do in terms of work.  Perhaps she’ll have some useful suggestions in mind.  I just wish she could have leads too.  I had an evaluation with my manager before she left last week and she gave me great feedback.  I also hear a lot of good words from the boss.  All of that’s great, but I need it to work for me in terms of landing a full-time position somewhere.  I can only work for free for so long.  In fact, it’s already been too long and I am itching to have benefits so I can finally get my teeth checked, buy new contacts, and perhaps even get a physical.  I also can’t wait to not have to ask my parents to help me out.  I’m ready to be fully self-sufficient!

But of course, all this comes at the price of finding a job I can enjoy (at least most of the time), be qualified for, and contribute to in a meaningful way.  It’s not fair to a company to pretend I love the position to land the job only to leave them as soon as I can get another one I truly want.  I just worry that there are too many positions I’ve dismissed because I couldn’t imagine myself doing those tasks for 40 hours a week.  Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad I imagine to focus on something that is not my strongest interest.  Guess we’ll see as I continue this (seemingly) endless struggle.