Recently Panda pointed me to an article that our friend had shared on Facebook and it got us thinking about and discussing parenting. The article, by Amy Chua, outlines her personal view and experiences of parenting the Chinese way – very strict and disciplined. While it’s true that the tough love style of parenting that most first generation Chinese-Americans mothers employ can be extremely effective in producing children accomplished in school, particularly math, and proficient in at least one instrument, I don’t see it as an East-West divide.
Rather, I see it as a disciplined vs. not. In a high-class neighborhood, you will find children of any ethnicity taking music lessons, sports lessons, getting tutored, etc. during their “free time.” You’ll find parents who enforce a strict schedule and push their children to excel in each thing they learn. Granted, Eastern and Western styles are still different, but I don’t think it’s so much the yelling and threatening and extreme rules that make Asian parenting styles any more effective. I feel it really comes down to parents creating opportunities for their children to learn more and taking the time and effort to make sure they actually do learn.
What really struck me about this style of “Tiger mother” parenting though was the complete focus on success, success, success. But really, what is success? People like to make assumptions about what it is, forgetting that success and happiness do not go hand in hand. So, that begs the question: what’s more important? Success or happiness? Of course ideally you want both, but sometimes they compete with each other. I don’t see the wisdom in caring only about success, assuming that you must be happy that you are successful and that’s the weakness of the Tiger mom model.
Doggedly pursuing success may bring you a certain amount of satisfaction in your accomplishments, and as Amy wrote, “Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it’s math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.” BUT, that just means the child has learned that doing that particular activity well will bring about attention (and possibly rewards). It may not be the activity that is fun or makes the kid happy, but the associated rewards, whether it be praise or prizes.
I can appreciate the intense sacrifice and commitment of Tiger mothers, but I cannot agree that it is the “superior” way, as Amy claims. If by superior she merely means the most effective way to breed children at the top of their class (including being first chair violinist), I can definitely see it being a valid argument. But being superior period is impossible, for this or any other style of parenting. There is no such thing as the best way to raise a child. It all depends on what your goals are. Do you want someone who has a life full of rich experiences? Do you want someone who excels in school? Do you want someone who is just plain happy? For each, there is an entirely different approach to parenting.
Ultimately, this article and the book that it is excerpted from will stir up a lot of talk over parenting, but it will not show people the best way to be a parent. It’s good that it’ll get people thinking about what is important in raising their own children and how to do it. But before that even happens, people need to first identify what they want for their progeny, for that will shape their entire approach and just about every decision that is made forthwith. If you’re like Amy and want star students, you may very well have to become a Tiger mother.
