I never expected my 30s to bring about a re-evaluation of my life. My last manager had said that was the decade where you settle in to your life and get comfortable with yourself. And so I thought it would be – go get my MBA, get into my new career in HR, and build that family.

PC: Tamir Elterman

Generally, it was going to plan like that… until I went to Israel for spring break. That trip gave me the opportunity to get back in touch my adventurous, quirky, unconventional spirit. Somewhere along the way, I put that away and didn’t think about it. But then as I got the opportunity to traipse around and take cool photos, dance on chairs, hug and love my classmates, and use my body for fun poses, a part of my past was unlocked.

I’ve always had an inclination towards more masculine things. I liked the idea of being different and unexpected. I also like feeling strong, so a lot of the activities I gravitate towards make me feel powerful (butterfly stroke, weight training, long and triple jump). I’m much better with a burst of energy than anything requiring endurance. I also moved around a lot and never quite fit in into any categories, but it became something I quite enjoyed. I leaned in to all the things that set me apart.

When I was younger, I was known as a tomboy. I’d play in the dirt and grass hunting insects. I’d play full contact basketball with the boys and occasionally get a little knocked out. I could run faster, climb higher, and scream louder than just about anyone on the playground. When I went back to China for the summers, I’d follow around my male cousins who could never escape their little shadow.

In middle school, I started to get into sports and began swimming. By high school, I had joined the varsity swim and track & field teams, as well as a YMCA swim team and JROTC. I stayed very physically active until college, when it started to dwindle. I did AFROTC my freshman year, but we only did PT once a week. Starting sophomore year, I no longer had organized physical activities but I did join a business fraternity. I’ve enjoyed the oddity of being a “bro” within that context.

My senior year, I finally got around to teaching myself to skateboard and that really set me apart. UCLA is very hilly, so there weren’t a lot of skateboarders and of the ones willing to brave the steep hills, I only saw one or two other females. I enjoyed being unique like that. I even went a strange(ish) route when I chose to double major in Psych and Econ, which have absolutely no overlap with each other. This combined with my year studying abroad eventually led me to take an extra quarter and finish my degree in December. Again, the one who doesn’t quite fit any mold.

My first job out of college was a 6-month stint out in Singapore. I traveled around Southeast Asia on my own before heading back stateside. For a period, I became the only woman at my next company’s office in a building with a dozen men. I guess it was somewhere along these lines that things started to settle? I wasn’t doing as much unusual stuff, though I did choose not to have a wedding when I got married (and not to change my name).

Once I moved out east, life settled into a rhythm and I stopped thinking about some of the more interesting things. I still loved to interact with all sorts of creatures and I even began volunteering as an Insect Ambassador at the Smithsonian. I would travel to places to experience new things, but I guess I forgot a lot of the things I wanted to try when I was younger. When I got to my MBA program, everyone was so serious and focused on business that I was too. Plus I had barely any time to get through the core curriculum, working on readings and group work and attending a slew of events.

So come spring break, when the course load became more manageable and I had space to breathe… I guess it was time for an awakening. But that was just the beginning. I got back in touch with how fun it was to be my goofy, oddball self. I started to be more active again. Even more important was something awakened in me by my new bestie – he has been obsessed with tattoo designs, which reignited my interest.

I’ve always had in the back of my mind that I’d like to get a tattoo, but I never knew where or what. Since talking to Bestie about it, I actually ended up waking up from a dream with the idea of a tightrope walker. And then I also wanted an owl and he found me an incredible design that I absolutely love. The third is the crown that Princess Bubblegum wears; it’s simple, symbolic, and small.

From there, I’ve started to get back in touch with things I had never really dared to explore. Motorcycles. Shaving my head. Skydiving. Getting scuba certified. All had been in the back of my mind as interests, but I didn’t give them much credence beyond that. Now I’m all about planning for these things. But the biggest thing of all to come from this is that I wavered on a future with kids. The sudden revival of interest in all these things I love leaves little room to think about the responsibility of little people.

In a way, I’m not sure who I am anymore, or what I want. I feel like I’m living these parallel lives – one going along the same track as before, slow and steady, while the other one veers off into all sorts of worlds that have yet to materialize. So far most of these changes have lived in my mind. I haven’t gotten a tattoo, motorcycle, or side shave, much as I want. It’s hard enough struggling to understand myself and what I truly want. Is this a phase? Am I being foolish, getting carried away in the tide? Or is this a new iteration of me?

I have a tendency to prescribe meaning to just about everything. The smallest coincidence or pattern can become something I pay attention to, record in my journal, and ponder over.

This week, it’s been the fact that I’m living much of my life on the 4th floor: room 405 at the Hilton Garden Inn I was at this week, my office space at Cisco is on the 4th floor of the building, and today I got room 426 at the Courtyard Marriott I’m staying at. Every time I get in an elevator, I’m pressing 4.

The other pattern has been cool bird sightings. It was a hummingbird on my first day, a hawk or falcon my second day, a stork or heron yesterday, and some gulls today. I love spotting birds that I don’t often see, though they’re probably a lot more prevalent around here so this may actually be common. It still takes my breath away though and the magic never ceases every time I glimpse some of my favorite birds: hawks, falcons, owls, cranes, storks, hummingbirds, swallows, peacocks, swans… 

I started to attribute seeing a bird as a good omen for the day and when I saw it, I felt a sense of peace. The day didn’t feel complete until I had my spotting. It really serves no purpose since I’d forget about it soon after, but in that moment I cherished life just that much more. I could use some of that now as I struggle to find a place to live, work through emotional challenges, and try to stay focused on doing well in my internship. Perhaps I should use a talisman. I sort of want a tattoo to become that for me – a thing I can attach meaning to and be reminded of my good intentions whenever I see it.