Why I no longer want to be an entrepreneur

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , ,
23 January 2014
0

Every now and then, it seems like the world is beating me up. These are the best times for growth, but boy are they challenging. I’d been feeling rather downtrodden for the past week or two – a combination of illness and challenges with work were making me feel less than adequate. I was weak, always exhausted, and not nearly as productive as I wanted to be (and thought I could be). A looming sense of failure followed me around and made me question myself. It reminded me a lot of why I decided that being an entrepreneur might not be for me after all.

Back in early 2012, I had reached a point professionally and personally that gave me the courage to quit my job and start my own ventures. A year later, I had learned a lot and decided that the lifestyle wasn’t what I was looking for. I found that I couldn’t shut off from work and the stress of it followed me at all times of the day. I like more balance in my life, but it was hard to justify not taking care of work whenever it came up. I’d feel guilty if I didn’t handle things right away. It began to take over my life, even as I was seeking more control over it.

Today I came across an article on Inc.com that rang so true to me. It’s about the psychological price of entrepreneurship and talks about how taxing it is to manage your own business. When you pour your heart and soul into working on something, it can really drain you. If it doesn’t work out the way you had hoped, it’s easy to take that as a personal failure. That certainly does a number on your confidence. When you decide to pursue entrepreneurship, you better be ready for a crazy rollercoaster. And for me, it’s just not worth the stress. I don’t crave the recognition or attention at that scale, nor do I want to pursue that sort of money. So why would I put my health, my relationships, and my mental state at jeopardy to chase after that dream?

two kittens cuddling and sleeping together

If I could, I’d play with cats all day. So cute!!

And going back to my recent low, the article explained that some people experience strong emotions on both ends of the spectrum. You get really excited about things, but you also get really depressed about others. I may not be as bad as some people who are extreme to the point of manic, but I do think I feel emotions more strongly than many. It’s a double-edged sword, where I find myself easily joyful, but at the same time I can fall to deep sadness quickly. It may prevent me from taking greater risks for immense rewards, but those “rewards” are something I didn’t want anyway. Instead of money or power, I want to enjoy my life with Panda. I want time to hang out with him, to go to yoga classes, to have peaceful moments with my cats, to cook together, to enjoy trips… so really something more stable is suitable for my goals.

Once I’m done with my 365great series, I’ll start up a weekly series related to that, sharing ideas and tips for how to enjoy life more and stress less. Our culture is so caught up in accomplishments that we often forget the value of the richer experiences in life that may not produce an award or a higher paycheck or other recognition.

Share Your Subscription link party!

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , ,
22 January 2014
2
Share Your Subscription with MommySplurge
Yay it’s a par-tay! This fun new link-up is a wonderful way to discover some fantastic subscriptions and see what others are getting and loving. I’ll have to set a reminder to link up every 22nd of the month going forth. 🙂 Here’s MommySplurge’s post about it so you can see the linked blog posts.

Outward appearances

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , ,
22 January 2014
0

I often forget I am an Asian-American woman. Does it affect how people perceive my abilities? I’m starting to wonder.

For the most part, I go about my days without a second thought to differences in gender, ethnicity, age, or other factors. Everyone I work with is a different personality type in my mind, but I don’t consciously associate that with any other qualities. And likewise, I don’t think they treat me any specific way because I’m female or Asian. But then I read books about the Asian-American experience (particularly Asian-American women) and it gets me thinking if the way I’m treated is not just about my personality and behavior, but also largely affected by my appearance.

happy girl smiling taking a selfie with snow falling around her

Just a happy-go-lucky gal who loves the simple things.

Do I not get the respect I thought I would because of my gender, ethnicity, or age? Or do I not because I’m silly and goof off so people don’t always take me seriously? Do certain people pay me a little more attention because of how I look or do they just like my bubbly excitement over little things? Would I even be able to parse out that information? Does it ultimately matter? At the moment, it does because it’s creating a psychological barrier for me. I suddenly lost confidence in myself and my abilities and the doubt I have is related to my gender and ethnicity. If I were a man, would it be different? Would I have more confidence in myself even as I failed? If I weren’t Asian, would it be easier to express myself and stand up for my ideas?

I’m working to set myself up for success again and focus on attainable goals. It’s all too easy to be harsh on myself and judge everything I do as not good enough.

A week of yo-yoing

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
16 January 2014
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I’ve been ill for a week, but not entirely. I’ve had so many ups and downs that I can’t figure out what’s for real anymore and when I might get better. Take today, for example. I started off the day strong, almost feeling better. The morning was filled with meetings out in DC and when I got back to the office, I was doing ok. But then in the afternoon I started to crash, hard. I couldn’t think straight. I could hardly keep track of what I was doing. I had very little energy for anything requiring effort. By 5 I had just about given up on getting anything else done.

This week has felt like a month and it’s been rather stressful. My mind is so foggy I don’t trust myself to make sense. Sometimes my eyes hurt so bad I can’t see properly (especially alarming when I’m driving home). Sometimes my head hurts enough to halt all thoughts (or at least jumble them up). I can’t even focus enough to write a blog post the way I want. In fact, I’m pretty useless in anything but consuming content. I’ll stop producing awful content now and try to regain my sanity.

You. & I.

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , ,
11 January 2014
0

cover image for you. & i. poem by mary qin

You.
You who hold me down.
You who hold me back.
You who keep me caged.
You.

How do you capture a whisper?
How do you keep still a moment?

All I ever wanted to be was
Whatever I wanted to be.

But…
You.
You try to hold me down.
You try to hold me back.
You try to keep me caged.

I live within your rules
And it is breaking me apart

But I dare not escape
I dare not defy you
For you rule the world
You rule my world.

 

I.
I am drowning.
I am flailing.
I am suffocating.

I dream of a whisper.
I yearn for a moment.

All you let me be was
Whatever you wanted me to be.

But…
I.
I will not drown.
I will not flail.
I will not suffocate.
Any longer

You imposed your rules
And they nearly broke me

But I fight to escape
I struggle to defy you
I…
I struggle to rule my world.

Achy

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
10 January 2014
0

sleeping on side with face half covered by blanket

Being ill makes me want to hide in the covers.

I woke up sick today. Got to work just fine, but then was absolutely knackered. My throat is super dry. I have to clear it a lot. Breathing is slightly painful at times (better if I breathe a certain way through my nose, but it’s tiring). This might be TMI, but I was dry heaving a lot (don’t worry, my gag reflex system works such that I never throw up – only once in my adult life due to food poisoning). I drank lots of tea and mixed in some honey. I think it helped. I also had an Advil, which eased things in the afternoon. Wasn’t focusing well, and felt awful about it. The minutes dragged by like hours. What do you mean it’s only been 10 minutes? I feel like that was an hour ago. I rescheduled a meeting with the CEO to make some calls together. Was he disappointed? I couldn’t tell, but I was at myself for him. Alas, between being sapped of energy and dealing with physical pains of a sore throat and headache… I wasn’t up for the task. I feel guilty, but it is a fleeting thought. There are other pains to try to ignore now. I did manage to make it out to lunch with my work bestie. Thankfully, she drove. The restaurant was very toasty inside – perfect. I got a spicy sub sandwich (maybe not the best idea for my throat?). I made a pathetic attempt at work for the rest of the afternoon. I’m sad at how ineffective I think I was, but I did manage to get a few projects underway.

I had to leave earlier than usual (at 5ish) for my yoga class. By then I was feeling not too bad. The slight fever had subsided. I fell asleep during meditation as usual, then went through the yoga class not pushing too hard but taking challenging poses as I could. Somehow I was sore, which might have been yoga yesterday… I didn’t realize how not moving for three weeks had made my muscles weak. During class I felt ok, but now I’m not doing as well. Perhaps the Advil wore off? Perhaps I should keep active? I’ve been keeping warm in bed, which feels great so long as I don’t move. When I get out, my aching back protests. I feel feverish. I even managed to pull a muscle in my foot. Once again, might be TMI, but I am still dry heaving. It’s an awful feeling. It’s worse when I’m hungry but I don’t want to eat much. Loss of appetite and all. Everything throbs, everything aches. My nostrils are getting irritated with breathing too. Meanwhile Panda’s been sick for a few days and he’s been sleeping already. He probably gave this to me when he helped cook this week.

Am I making sense? I’m too tired to reread. I guess I should sleep but somehow checking something becomes browsing something becomes reading articles upon articles. It’s like the Wikipedia rabbit hole I often fall into. Lost, again. How many things have I read now? Yet the ache of my eyes (if they ache at all, I can’t tell) is drowned out by the dull pain throughout my body. Should I take a bath? But I might not ever get up. It is so much effort. Maybe tomorrow, then. Here’s to hoping for a good night’s rest. I should really try that oregano oil from my Homegrown box. Tomorrow.

Oh, and I guess I should take some pills.

365great Day 301: thermals

laelene Posted in general blog，
09 January 2014
0

365great challenge day 301: thermalsI don’t think I could have survived the winter thus far without my thermals. They’ve been lifesavers in the bitter cold of the polar vortex and even in the office, when it was rather chilly in the fall. I usually forget I’m wearing them, so they’re totally comfortable to me and I even put them under my leggings when I do yoga just to stay extra toasty. I only bought my first pair a few months ago and now I have two that I switch off with. For someone who gets cold super easily, this is one of the best cold weather solutions. They’re quite cheap too! I haven’t yet found I need thermal shirts, but I do bundle up in about 4 layers and a scarf so I think I’ve got the top half covered. I think it’d be hilarious to get one of those full body thermal outfits. I hope they make ones that cover your feet too… I’d so want one of those. No matter what type you use, thermals are so great for keeping in body heat.

A blogger, an author, a poet, a writer

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
05 January 2014
0

I want to write a novel. I’m not sure if I even have that much to write about, but I have some ideas I’ve been meaning to get down. I figure I’ll just start writing and see where it takes me. Maybe I’ll surprise myself with tens of thousands of words, or maybe I’ll get stuck after a few thousand. Whatever the case, a goal I have for the coming months is to get this going and eventually build up the courage to share it with some friends.

bottle of gold calligraphy ink and glass pen on clipboard with lined paperThis kind of came about due to a confluence of events, including friends sharing their writing and my personal need for expression beyond blogging. There are some things I want to get down on paper, but in a “fiction influenced by experiences” kind of way. I could post bits of it here, but I also want to explore the possibility of a story line that runs far longer than a blog post would allow. If I find I’m not writing that much, I think I might post installments here, but let’s go big first. At the same time, I had two friends who shared the various prose they’ve written and it makes me want to join their ranks. In addition, after reading the Fifty Shades trilogy, I see hope that you don’t have to be a fantastic writer for people to want to read your work. So a growing need, possible mentors/role models, and examples of success make me feel encouraged to produce something.

I’ve thought of myself as a blogger for a few years now, and occasionally I consider myself a writer. When it comes to being an author or poet though, it’s new territory for me and I like exploring that. It’s been a fantastic way to connect with some friends in ways that I haven’t before (and somehow Joseph Gordon-Levitt keeps cropping up in conversations with writer friends – who is this guy?!). I can’t wait to have more conversations about our writing journeys as we all work to produce something to share. I also find reading to be a completely different experience now that I notice what I like and don’t like about each author’s style. I feel like a new world is opening up to me and I look forward to stepping in!

Love overflowing

laelene Posted in general blog, relationships，Tags: , , , , ,
02 January 2014
2

Here’s what I love about this time of year: people are happy, people are celebrating.

I came home initially feeling a bit like I was escaping the challenges of my new life for a bit. Taking a break to return to a place that is familiar, with wide networks of people I know. At first it was a quiet time for me to reflect and enjoy the peace. As my birthday drew near, I started to make plans with people and by the time I leave I’ll have had about half a dozen meet ups with very different social groups. I hadn’t quite realized how lonely and disconnected I felt until I began reconnecting. Suddenly I noticed that I was happier and the feeling multiplied on my birthday, as old friends left me messages. It’s such a marvelous feeling to have all these social connections and I’m going to have to find some groups to get involved with out east.

Not only are a ton of people around for the holidays, they are generally in high spirits. This is a time to reunite with loved ones, to reflect on a year gone by, to celebrate a fresh new start. A new year gives people hope and something to look forward to. It’s the perfect time to try to make the kinds of changes we’d like to see in our lives. Oh, and for me it’s also a time to think about the age I just passed and what another year can bring. I certainly don’t feel 28, but hey it happened! The combination of people being excited about the prospects of a new year, happy to be with family, and wishing me well on my birthday has been such a mood booster.

green tea latte drink with 3d latte art bear and the world love written on its bellyI feel loved. Loved by my family (Missy included), loved by my fiance, loved by my friends. The pride in my mom’s demeanor when she told me about my birthday gift was priceless. My parents’ love for me runs incredibly deep and when they can set me up for a good life, it makes them happy. This year they were able to gift me a sizable contribution towards the down payment of the condo. It’s not about the money itself, but the fact that they can provide me with a springboard toward a life of success and happiness. And seeing how proud it makes them touches my heart. I am so fortunate to have hardworking parents who put so much into me.

It’s times like these that I’m reminded of a quote from Sister Wives: “Love should be multiplied, not divided.” Indeed, I don’t see why loving one person takes away from the love of another. I love the people in my life in vastly different ways, depending on the nature of our relationships. At the moment I feel so much joy in the love around me it’s beautiful. I guess it’s also easy because I can manage my time between all the people (and animals) I want to be around. I don’t have any of them hogging my time and energy or complaining that something else is. And so I’m at a good place again, basking in the final days of this retreat as I look to transition back east and find some friends outside of work. Maybe I’m ready for 2014 after all.

November Favorites 2013

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
31 December 2013
0

collage of november 2013 favorites including fall colors, touchscreen laptop, yoga, going home, bruins football, fun hair styles, revisiting new york, long sleeve v-necks, and pumpkin flavored

Well gosh, I better get my Nov favorites up before it’s time for the December ones!

1. fall colors – This was the month of gorgeous colors. Fall beauty was everywhere to be found and I loved it. It’s one of the things about having real seasons that I was looking forward to. I don’t know if it was the richness of the leaves, but I swear even the sky was more pigmented.

2. touchscreen laptop – I’ve been using my new ASUS laptop and now I’m used to having a touchscreen laptop. It’s a lot easier than trying to navigate the touchpad. It’s very convenient just to tap on what I’m looking at. Too bad not all my devices are like that – I’ve found I try to tap all other laptops now too, lol. It’s hard to remember when I’m using other laptops that they don’t have touchscreens. Hopefully everything will just have that in the future so I don’t have to keep track.

3. yoga – I’ve been going to yoga again and picking up my practice, which is wonderful. I like that I can choose from a range of levels depending on what I’m feeling. I’ve tried everything from Hatha Yoga for all levels to Power Yoga with some meditation thrown in too. I look forward to continuing with my practice and getting strong enough to do a handstand one day!

4. going home – It was so nice to return home for Thanksgiving and be reunited with my parents, cousin, and cats. It was the first time I’d been back since starting work out east and it was a welcome break. We also got a chance to get together my family and Panda’s!

5. Bruins football – UCLA’s program has finally been doing better and it was so thrilling to watch our team beat USC in our football showdown this year. Our crosstown rivalry is going strong and with the liberty bell securely in our possession, we can proudly say that we run LA. 😉

6. fun hair styles – For a long time, I’d just let my hair fall however it wanted. It’s the easiest to do and requires absolute minimal effort. I started to play around with some hair styles more recently, particularly a side braid, French braids, or a bun. I want to try a braid that wraps around my head, but I’m not quite sure how to end it so I’ll have to test it out.

7. revisiting New York (and the city) – After over a decade, I finally got a chance to return to one of my childhood homes. It was so nice to be able to share that with Panda so he can see some of what used to be my life. It also became an opportunity to explore parts of NYC that I’m not that familiar with. It’s the first time I’d been back to any of my old stomping grounds other than a brief visit to Penn State many years ago. I’ve never returned to my homes in Kansas and Missouri, but I sure do plan on it!

8. long sleeve v-necks – I find these to be so perfect to wear. They’re comfortable, warm, and flattering. I can wear them under another shirt or alone and throw on a jacket for extra warmth. I even use it during yoga if it’s an extra chilly night. It’s easy to dress them up or down and if I don’t want my neck so exposed, I just throw on a scarf. Simple, the way I like it.

9. pumpkin flavored – I almost never get pumpkin flavored stuff, but somehow I ended up trying a few this month and they were quite good! This was a pumpkin souffle I got at a happy hour. Very yummy. I also had pumpkin spice caramels and a pumpkin creme brulee snack. Maybe I should try more pumpkin things since I really enjoyed those foods.

What about you? What did you find yourself gravitating towards in November?

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