Fame

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Practically speaking, I’ve never wanted to be famous.  Not in the Hollywood starlet kind of way anyway.  Of course I’ve fantasized about it from time to time, but when it comes down to it, it’s just not something I’m interested in.  I don’t want paparazzi following me around taking pictures/videos of of me whenever I try to go about my daily business.  I don’t want to have to have body guards or publicists.  And I certainly don’t want to feel like I need to “look good” every time I step out of the house.  It’s just too much upkeep!

I’m mostly talking about the kind of celebrities who get their fame from being in entertainment.  They’re the ones surrounded by glitz and glamor (and always having to keep up with the demands of that lifestyle).  People judge them on their looks and follow their every move.  They are judged on every aspect of their lives, from their relationships to their physiques to their actions.  It feel like almost every instant, eyes are on them, watching, recording, judging.

Why is it that we obsess over these people?  Who cares if they went grocery shopping, played with their kids, or went for a run?  It’s insane and I’m glad I’m not a part of it.  With this sort of attention comes the constant pressure to look presentable whenever you leave your house, never argue with people, and basically be a vision of perfection.  Every single day.  Why the general population seems to expect that celebrities must be wonderful all the time baffles me.  We’re all human and we can’t get things right all the time.

The famous lifestyle is a sort of lifestyle that just doesn’t work for me.  I am perfectly happy to dress down and be comfy when I’m out and about.  I wear light makeup about twice a year and I can’t imagine going through a whole routine every morning.  I work out whenever I get around to it and I don’t really notice my fluctuation in weight.  I don’t care about brand names and can’t recall the maker for any given item I own.  I lose my temper, I get annoyed with people, and I argue when things really strike a chord with me.  Sometimes I sleep in and get to things late.  I spill liquids, stain my clothes, and get crumbs everywhere.  Back in college there were times when I didn’t make it to class.

If I was famous, I’d get judged for every single one of those “mishaps,” which to me are really the normal course of life.  I’d much rather be known by name and not by face, for that kind of fame usually comes with a more meaningful contribution to society (not that performers can’t have meaningful contributions).  Contributions to literature, science, academia, business… these are the types of things you get recognized for in a paper or on a building, not on TV.  And that’s the kind of thing I want to be known for some day.

Sense of time

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Wow, this week has been… weird.  Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I thought it was Tuesday (how do you live the same day three days in a row?) and then today I thought it was Friday (sure felt like it).  So somehow, this week has been slow yet fast at the same time.  I don’t know how the days went by, really.  I had a lot of work, there was a lot of rain, and amidst all that I ate a lot of food.  Everything kind of blurs together, but when I really think about I can still separate the days.  Yet, I still get confused and nearly thought tomorrow was the weekend again.

I’ve been having trouble getting up in the morning, which may be due to the dreary weather.  Somehow I always feel exhausted, even though I am getting a good 7-8 hours of sleep at night.  I wonder if I’m dreaming again.  Whenever I dream, I don’t get restful sleep.  It could explain why I don’t feel rejuvenated when I wake up.  I’m tempted to try an Excedrin PM, but I’ve never taken anything for sleep before and I’m afraid I really won’t wake up in time for work!  Perhaps I just need more discipline to force myself to bed earlier each night.  Or maybe I should take a vacation.

Have you ever had a whole week go by where you just felt off?  Especially in your sense of what day it is?  Boy is it a weird feeling.  The human mind is such a volatile thing.  I hope I can recuperate a bit this weekend and get my sense of time and my place in the world back.  I’m definitely not working as well as I could be because of this.

Cat house

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My mom told me about some older cats at a shelter that had to be adopted ASAP or be put down.  We’d love to adopt them, but my mom travels frequently and I can’t exactly have three cats in my apartment for months at a time.  This got me thinking.  I’d really like to start up a charity cat house where volunteers could help take care of cats and share the space with them in exchange for a place to stay and some food.  I’ve never really believed in the shelter scenario where these cats don’t get to roam around as their curious natures would usually dictate.  But having a house full of cats can get a bit crazy, so I wouldn’t want my household to be that chaotic.  Yet, I feel that cats do so much better with people living with them and not just being allowed free reign of a place when the humans go back to their homes at night.  Plus, some cats quite enjoy cuddling with a person at night!

And so I have conceived of this new idea where a normal house with pretty standard furnishings could be slightly altered to create a shelter for people and felines.  I’d add in some more beds than you’d normally get in an American household and invite homeless people to come live there while they straighten out their lives.  In exchange for a bed and daily meals, they’d spend part of their days helping with the chores of maintaining pets (including just playing with and petting them!).  I’d also want to get career guidance for them and get them the education they need to make something of themselves.  They could learn from each other how to cook, or if none of them have that skill, other volunteers could come in to teach them how to shop within a budget and cook decent meals, avoiding junk.

So this house could be a sanctuary for cats and humans alike, with the humans taking care of the cats and the cats providing companionship and a sense of purpose to the humans.  I think pets can be really therapeutic, but I prefer cats because they generally don’t make a fuss and can care for themselves in many areas.  We’d get cats from shelters that were going to put the poor creatures down and probably have a bunch of older ones.  If anyone wanted, there could also be the option of adopting these cats out, so it would, in a sense, be a halfway house for them too.  I guess I just want to bring in people and cats facing bleak futures and give them an environment to recover and move on to a better stage of their lives, whether getting a job and becoming independent or getting adopted to a caring family.

This is just an initial concept, but I really hope I can go somewhere with this one day.  I’ve learned recently that I’m a dreamer, thinking of all those wonderful “what ifs” while conveniently forgetting about how to fund those dreams.  So, I’m taking a step back before I get too caught up in the idea and thinking very practically about how this could work (which will take some time).  Still, it’s a nice dream to have and something to develop into a real plan when the time comes.

Sweat it out

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It’s been a long week for me as a sneeze developed into a runny nose, a runny nose developed into a stuffed one, then came a dry throat that became a sore throat, and finally the chills and a borderline fever.  It all started when I got out of a shower and felt pretty good, so I didn’t put on enough clothing.  Next thing I knew, my wet hair was causing me to sneeze excessively.  I went to bed with a runny nose and got to work the next morning only to find there was a draft at my desk.  With that blowing on me on and off throughout the day, things got worse and come Tuesday I couldn’t breathe out of my nose for most of the day.

On and on this went until today I got back from work, collapsed into bed, and stopped fighting it.  With my guard down it seems my immune system went on hiatus too, so I start to feel a slight fever come on.  I stayed under the covers and let myself start to sweat.  After all, I was always taught to “sweat it out” when I was a kid.  I suppose it’s getting rid of the toxins in my body?  Well, now I’m a bit clammy but at least not cold (I hate when I’m cold).  In fact, the room is feeling a bit too hot, but I don’t want to take off the covers for fear of making it worse.  I’ll just keep drinking hot water and let some sweat build up.

Thankfully, I can still entertain myself while stuck in bed, with things like writing this post and watching some videos.  I’ll just laze around for the rest of the night and hope that when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll be feeling much better.

The bookworm inside

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A year ago, I had a squirmy feeling.  It was the bookworm I used to be, wanting to get out again.  There weren’t really any books I’d heard of that I really wanted to read at that point, so time passed and next thing I knew I was all caught up in starting a job.  In the latter months of last year, I began to have that need again and decided to start listening to audio books since my commute was extremely long.  Now that I no longer have that crazy commute, I find the itch coming back again and I’ve decided to make use of the public libraries I haven’t been to in so long.

When I was a kid, all I did was read.  I didn’t want to eat, sleep, or shower.  I’d rather read.  I’d read on my way to the bus stop, on the bus, walking down the halls between classes… anytime that I wasn’t talking to someone or listening to a teacher!  I would read while eating (since I ultimately had to eat sometime) and I often turned showers into baths so that I could bring in a book to read.  Yeah, I was pretty obsessive.  In fact, I remember the first time I turned in a reading log to my 5th grade teacher.  She called up my parents to confirm that they had indeed signed my form and really did believe I read that many books that week.  I usually powered through about 25 to 30 age-appropriate books in a week.  My mom even made me a special cloth bag so that I could carry all my books to the car in one go.

When I think about it, I can’t remember most of the things I read, but that habit as a child will come back to nudge me subconsciously every now and then.  I do have faint recollections of the Mrs. Piggle Wiggle series, Goosebumps, the Boxcar Kids, Little House on the Prairie… and these things remind me of the childhood I had as a bookworm.  I stopped reading so much right around the time I moved to New York in 7th grade.  I guess the challenge of changing schools halfway through the school year and getting used to a more rigorous academic schedule took up all my time.

From then on, I started to get into physical activity, joining the track & field team, two swim teams, and JROTC.  I no longer had the time to think of reading anything other than the schoolbooks I needed to for my classes.  It also didn’t help that the books we had to read in high school were all rather dreary and too literary for me.  I like a good story or lesson, not some convoluted message that takes multiple reads to understand.  So into my young adulthood, I learned to read when I had to.

Then sometime in college I began to cultivate my interest in business, economics, psychology, and non-fiction in general.  This was probably largely due to my desire to go into business and my choice to double major in Econ and Psych (surprise, surprise).  And that’s what’s gotten me to where I am today – I love books like Freakonomics, The World is Flat (which I discovered because my dad got it for me as a birthday present one year!), and The Tipping Point.  These are books with interesting studies, explanations of patterns and phenomena, and real lessons I can use.  I’ve also begun to delve into books about evolution and atheism.  While I considered myself agnostic for a long time, I’ve come to realize I’m really quite atheist and agnosticism now seems like a cop-out I used to not bring on conflict from religious people.

And there you go, the evolution of that little bookworm inside me that once loved cute stories and now seeks practical lessons.

Taxes

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This year is the first time I’m filing taxes with a real job, complete with W-2, credits, deductions, and all that jazz.  I’ve been avoiding it, like most of the country probably is, but my mom sat down with me to go over it step by step in TurboTax and though it was a bit tedious, thankfully my taxes are still very simple.  Ultimately it turned out great though, since I’m getting some tax returns!

Watching the amount for my federal and state tax returns go up and down depending on certain items I added in was kind of cool.  It’s like watching slot machine 7s fall into place.  I like how that effect almost turned doing my taxes into a game.  Certainly everything’s better as a game!  But then again, it turns out to be so much better that this isn’t a game, since the money I get back will be real and not some virtual currency.

It can get kind of stressful though, since I worry that I missed something that will really affect my return.  This early on it doesn’t really matter since I just qualify for a standard federal deduction amount, but later on when things are itemized, every bit counts…  For now I will just rejoice in the fact that filing my returns this year will be quite quick and painless.  Soon enough I’ll have my returns and I can revel in the pleasure of getting money back from Uncle Sam.

D12

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cutting board received as gift for hosting a dinner for 12 in 2011

Putting my board to good use!

Yesterday I hosted my very first Dinner for 12 Strangers!  I attended three while I was an undergrad (one each year except for the one that I was studying abroad) and I’ve wanted to host one since I graduated.  I finally got my own place this year and signed up as soon as I knew I’d have somewhere to host it.

As expected, scheduling conflicts led to quite a few cancellations from the students and faculty member slated to attend my dinner.  Between myself, my two co-hosts, and the 5 students who did manage to come out, we had a nice cozy party of 8.  My co-hosts and I prepared waaay too much food, but it’s all good since the students went home happy and well-fed.  I even had a bunch of disposable containers that they used to take some of the leftovers home.  🙂

We spent most of the night playing an icebreaker game with M&Ms where each color represented some area of your life you’d share, such as family, career, aspirations, and hobbies.  You grabbed a small handful and for each color you had, you’d say something about that topic.  We decided to go one color at a time and then afterwards we’d reflect on what people said that stuck to us the most.  This got a lot of conversation going and kept us rolling into the night!  Next thing we knew, it was already 9 and the students started to head out.

I only wish I’d taken a group picture of everyone!  Otherwise the night was just great and I’m glad we were able to put this together.  I look forward to doing it again next year, if I have a place nearby.  🙂

Falling apart but keeping it together

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Wow, I had my laptop on my lap in bed last night and just fell asleep.  Next thing I knew it was 4 AM and I hadn’t turned off the light or my computer.  I put the laptop aside and turned off the light before drifting off into unconsciousness again.  I can’t quite remember what I was doing – Yelp maybe.  All I know is that I’ve been really tired lately.  I can’t get up in the morning when I should and it’s a struggle to get in to work.  I’ve been dreaming.  For me, that means restless nights.  Whenever I dream, I don’t get the deep sleep I need to be fully rested.

The past two nights my right arm has started to feel numb.  Today during the day I felt it still.  A cold sensation from my chicken wing down to the fatty part of my palm, where the thumb is.  I spent a lot of time rubbing my thumb warm and that helped.  Still, I don’t know what nerve I must have pinched that is still hurting.  I’ve been meaning to see a doctor for a checkup anyway, so I guess I should definitely do that next week.  Maybe a massage will help!  I think I’ll get one this weekend.

It’s been tough this week getting used to a new pattern that Panda and I will have to figure out.  Unfortunately, his days are super early, which means later at night I’m alone with no one to talk to.  It’s too bad he didn’t go to Hawaii – that time difference would be perfect!  We could go to bed around the same time and have plenty of time to talk online after work.  Alas, here we are trying to understand the best way to see each other and talk to each other in real time.

I haven’t felt overtly stressed, but it has turned out to be a rather tough (and busy) week!  Monday night Panda left.  Tuesday afternoon my mom came back.  Wednesday I had a professional event, which was great.  Today I had yoga and a fight with Panda as we try to find a good compromise with our new situation.  Tomorrow I have a ceremony and then I need to bake a cheesecake.  Saturday I’m hosting a Dinner for 12 Strangers and will need to cook, entertain, and clean up.  Sunday I’ll be going home to visit my mom and hopefully get that massage in.  And then Monday it’s back to work!

Lunch talk

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I was sitting at lunch on Friday with my coworkers when it suddenly dawned on me: I don’t relate to people like much of the population.  There they were, talking about this and that movie or show or whatever and I, like usual, had pulled out my phone to play a game.  One of them asked me why I was zoning out and I said that they always talked about things I don’t know much about and don’t really care about.  So, they asked me what I wanted to talk about and I said something not related to entertainment.  There was a pause in conversation as they quietly thought of what else to discuss and soon enough, the conversation was back up again, once again about entertainment.

Yup, they can’t go a single conversation without making a movie or pop culture reference it seems.

I went back to my game and the next time I started to listen to the conversation again, they were on to religion; another topic I don’t know about or really care about.  Most of them were brought up Catholic and they talked about how they weren’t practicing Catholic, but considered themselves so just because they grew up with it.  I don’t believe I’ve ever been to a Catholic service before, so I had no clue what they were talking about.  Then one of them talked about raising kids as Catholics so they’d have some sort of moral guideline.  Kind of ironic since all of them have delved in less than savory behavior, whereas I’ve stayed away from such things without any religious upbringing.  So, once again I did not relate to the conversation and zoned out until the food arrived.

Now don’t get me wrong, I get along with these people quite well.  I enjoy working with them and have plenty of good conversation with them.  But, I’ve noticed that when we get together as a group (usually over lunch) and they get to talking, it’s almost always about things I don’t know about.  I don’t really watch movies or follow famous people, I’m not religious, and I don’t drink or indulge in other substances.  That covers about 90% of the shared experiences they talk about.  So in a group, I’m left to just sit and listen, or stop paying attention.

When it comes to talking one-on-one though, I get a lot better conversation going.  Things I do share with the majority of people is a love for food, travel, and updating each other on our lives.  More specific interests that fewer people share with me include business, entrepreneurship, reading and learning, UCLA, animals, photography, exercise, yoga, cultures, and philosophy.  There’s still plenty to talk about, but what I like is just not the topic of choice in larger groups at my office.  It’s too bad, since I love going out to lunch with these people!  It’d be nice if I could join in on the conversation more.

Panda day

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Today is Panda’s birthday!  It’s fitting that he’s celebrating another year just as he gets ready to embark on the next stage of his life.  In just a few days, he’s off to the east coast to start a job, a career.  It’s also his first time living outside of Los Angeles, so there will be a lot of learning and adjusting to do.  Hopefully the worst of the storms has passed for this year, so he won’t have to deal with driving in the snow.  Living so far from is already going to be a challenge in and of itself, weather notwithstanding.

This Sunday will be the last full day we get to spend together for a long time and I am excited to be sharing some of our favorite things together, including good food and good friends.  Of course we will also have some alone time to enjoy each other’s company before our primary mode of interaction becomes Skype.  Back when I went to Singapore for a few months, we had been through this challenge (in addition to a pretty drastic time difference).  While this won’t be as bad, it will have to sustain for longer, so I am preparing myself for some tough times.

The good thing is that this is a great opportunity for him to grow and hopefully within a few years I can move out there (or he will decide to try something else and we will both move to the same place).  It’s too early to say what might happen until then, but we’ve weathered a storm before and I am confident we can do it again.  I just hope that we are able to visit each other every few weeks or months.  Things are so much better when I can share them with him.

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