mba « ((little fat notebook))

Beyond candidacy

laelene Posted in mba，Tags: bbq, cupcakes, food, graduation, mba, party, pictures, roomies, work

30 May 2018

Dearest blog, how I’ve neglected you. I still think about you all the time, but there is just too much going on for me to give you proper attention. I’ll try to be better now that I’ve graduated.

I dyed my hair red for graduation.

graduating usc marshall business school wearing all the regalia

I didn’t actually take any photos by myself so I’m just gonna crop out my friends…

2018 usc marshall business school commencement program cover

Commencement time. Here we go.

graduation selfie with dean ellis usc marshall business school

Selfie with the Dean on stage!!

posing on seat made from giant tree trunk

After the ceremony, we went for a celebratory dinner. 🙂

sprinkles mini cupcakes with graduation messaging

The next day we had a BBQ for friends and their families. These were our graduation cupcakes, for our EDM apartment (no not the music – those are our initials!). #roommatesand cupcakes

I can now officially change MBA Candidate to straight up MBA! The dream that formed on the basketball court of my middle school in New York has come to fruition and it’s back to the working world. It will be nice to have more time to get into hobbies, but I’m not looking forward to getting up early and being limited by my work hours. Luckily, I’m working at a family business my best friend runs, so I’m hoping it will be a nice balance of flexibility and blending life with work.

It’s been two and a half weeks and I’m still lingering in limbo. I’m working, but I don’t have to start full-time until July so I want to make the most of June. I want to travel but I also don’t want to plan travel… and so it goes, I just take it day by day. I’ve been posted up at my favorite boba shop in Alhambra and now I’m about to go try this awesome-looking vegan Thai place. Nom!

Our goals in life

laelene Posted in mba，Tags: future, goals, mba, questions, thoughts, work

18 March 2018

What am I striving for?

For awhile now, I’ve lost a lot of sense of my direction and purpose in life. I’m not sure where I’m trying to go or what I’m trying to do anymore. It’s extremely disorienting and befuddling. Like being washed beneath a wave and not knowing which direction is up…

After months of struggling with this sense of confusion and suffering quite a bit of angst over it, I’m starting to get my bearings a little. But every time I think I’m about to gain footing, I find myself slipping a little. So I’m hesitant. Hesitant to build up my own confidence in myself, because I don’t feel like I know myself anymore.

What is it that shapes our goals in life? As a child, it was easy. There were expectations of me to go through the typical rites of passage: various phases of schooling, graduate, get a diploma, next step, graduate, get a degree, next step, graduate, get a job… and finally, go back to school for the dream that formed on a basketball court back in Henry H. Wells Middle School – that MBA.

And so here I am, finally getting that MBA. Now what? Get that big fancy job, earn some six-figure salary, and start a family? Is that what life is about? Is that what I want? I’m really not sure.

So again, I question: what is it that shapes our goals in life? Now that I’ve been an adult for nearly a decade and a half, I’m finally begun to wonder how much of those goals, those dreams, are mine. Have I truly taken the time to discern what matters to me? Really all of what I expected and wanted has been from external factors. It’s not that I’m not interested in them. But what’s truly inside of me? What would I do if the world weren’t there to push me along?

These are the kinds of questions I’m muddling my way through. I’m glad that I have a bit of an anchor now in my work with a startup, which is at once thrilling and intriguing to me. It’s not at all where I thought my MBA program would lead me, but it’s so much better. I’ve never quite fit the mold and here I get the opportunity to create my own. How incredible is that? All the while I’m learning and growing too.

As I cling to that bit of sanity, I wonder – now what is it exactly that I’m trying to achieve with my life, personally and professionally? It’s a big question to tackle and I’m trying to be ok with having a fuzzy answer. It’s hard because I’ve been driving towards a clear destination on a relatively paved road and suddenly I’ve veered off and I’m not sure I should be on that road. Should I start walking into the field instead? Should I drive onto another road? All I know is that I feel the need to do something; I certainly can’t languish here.

After all this babbling, I’m not sure how much I make sense or how cryptic I might be. I guess this reflects the lack of direction I generally feel in my unpredictable life right now. Everything is up in the air. I wonder what will catch me.

Short story

laelene Posted in mba，Tags: fiction, imagination, stories, writing

23 February 2018

Well, so much for getting better at blogging. I feel guilty even thinking about it with all the schoolwork, work work, and social activities going on. Instead, let me share a short story I wrote for my Fostering Creativity class (with a few minor edits now that I reread it)…

Our History

I was immediately drawn to her essence. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was about her, but her presence was irresistible. I cut through the crowd to approach her and complimented her hat. It seemed like the least threatening way to strike up a conversation. She’d later tell me that she could see the intensity in my eyes and her curiosity got the better of her.

We quickly became fast friends. Our shared love of culinary delights provided endless nights of bonding. We’d try out new restaurants together, whip out favorite recipes from our family lineage, and hunt down food trucks with voracity. Grocery shopping was never a chore, but an adventure leading to many a tasty meal. Our evenings often ended with cups of tea on the porch as we shared childhood memories and discussed personal philosophies. I was intoxicated.

I learned so much from that woman. She imbued me with a sense of belonging. She was the only true friend I had. I was a country bumpkin, wide-eyed and fascinated with the world. She was a cosmopolitan woman, cultured and sophisticated. We were opposites in so many ways – she taught me to be inquisitive and question everything while I showed her how to be vulnerable and open her heart. Our spirits were wild and free, dancing together in the night sky as the moon smiled upon us. Our worlds would clash from time to time but we respected each other.

And then one night, she was gone.

When they told me, I could feel the blood rush to my face and my hearing begin to fade. I was completely stunned. My best friend, this perfect creature, had been torn away from me. As I stood there in disbelief, I felt completely lost. Who was I without her? How would I ever find another relationship as meaningful again? I walked through the world, numb with grief for months. I barely ate, barely slept. I felt like a stranger in my own skin.

I had nowhere to turn, so I turned inward. With time, I regained my sense of self and began to appreciate all the things she’d taught me about myself. Memories of our time together were the most precious gift I had; I cherished every moment. Bottled up inside me were stories that we had shared, so I started to write. At first it was like reopening a wound, but I needed to let it out. So I kept writing, as a tribute to her and for my own peace of mind. I found that once my thoughts got on paper, they haunted me less and I grew quite fond of them.

These beautiful stories were all I had left of her. I honor her by sharing our stories with you and your support has healed me. I’ve found my calling in life through her spirit.

2018: The Year of Heart

laelene Posted in mba，Tags: challenges, mba, relationships, school, struggles, thoughts, travel, trips, vacations

01 January 2018

We humans are funny beings, ascribing arbitrary meaning to dates and seasonal periods. For whatever reason, we chose to celebrate the coming of a year at this time of the winter (I know there’s some convoluted history behind that but let’s not get into it now).

We get all excited about this transition that happens in an instant. Boom, it’s a new year. Out with the old, in with new.

I don’t quite understand the timing of it and its significance has waned for me over the years, but I can appreciate the value in closing a chapter on your life, reviewing what happened in the past revolution around the sun, and anticipating the next one.

2017 was a pretty monumental year for me. I’d say the one word I could apply to everything that happened was transformational. I explored what life in NorCal could be like, went on an incredible trip to Israel, got a chance to befriend my new bestie and travel work husband, experienced Taiwan, China, and Japan with classmates, had a fun summer interning at Cisco, lost my way when I didn’t get a return offer, began to question my identity and dreams for the future, struggled to get back into recruiting, began therapy, threw myself into building a tribe of friends, lost connection with Panda, got involved with an incredible startup and found some purpose, had an amazing getaway to Mexico, and came home to VA after a year to turn 32.

The first half of the year was so much fun and wonderful. I was making so much of the MBA experience and having a great time. The second half of the year was full of challenges that I’m still working through. A series of events triggered an identity crisis for me and I found myself drifting aimlessly, listlessly. I was still functioning at the surface level, attending to my duties as a student, eating normally, and enjoying everything I could about the social part of my program. But deep inside, I was often overwhelmed and uncertain. I clung to whatever I could that made me happy or kept me distracted. I spoke to some friends about it and eventually started therapy, but it’s a process I’m still working through.

In light of all of that, I’m looking to 2018 being the year I lead with my heart. I spent too much time caring about what other people would think, how they perceived me, and what the world expects from me. I’m trying to get out of my own head and let me heart guide the way. I want to do what feels right and good. I want to express myself authentically and vulnerably so I attract the right people to my side. I want to figure out what I need to love myself.

I’m really looking forward to two classes I’m signed up to take that I hope will help me on this journey: Fostering Creativity and Leading with Mindfulness and Compassion. It’s been a tough path for me to disassociate myself from others and learn who I am, what I am on my own. I always think in terms of how I relate to others, how they react to me, and what they think of me. So who am I stripped of that? What do I think of myself? Who do I want to be? I’m hoping that a dive into my heart will help me find these answers. It feels incredibly selfish and self-centered, but I guess that’s exactly what I need right now.

Value is arbitrary

laelene Posted in mba，Tags: mba, opinions, thoughts

09 September 2017

I’ve been having some fascinating conversations this week about what makes something valuable. I personally believe that value is a human construct – nothing inherently has value or not, but we assign meaning to each component of our lives. Of course, with people being as different as they are, this means that everything’s value can be interpreted vastly differently.

Granted, it’s not completely arbitrary and certain things are valued for their usefulness. However, we also have such different opinions on how important uses are that the prescribed value of anything could vacillate tremendously. I mean, just look at the stock market and VC funding.

This even extends to less tangible things like relationships and experiences. We each choose to put more or less value on the people in our lives and the activities we choose to do. Someone who sees a relationship as highly valuable will be more willing to invest energy into it. Someone who treasures certain experiences would be willing to spend more time and money on it.

This can be rather tenuous – the moment we change our minds about the worth of something, it shifts our world view. Just like that, we can stop caring and pay absolutely no heed to what was once a priority. We’re really just living in a world where people generally agree to certain standards. But at any point, that could all come crashing down on us if we stop believing in the worth of whatever it is that props it all up.

The world is what we make it to be…

Second year

laelene Posted in mba，Tags: friends, mba, school

26 August 2017

School is back in session and I have yet to get into the swing of things. I still need to get course readers and other materials for class! It’s so surreal to be returning as a second year now, with half of my MBA career behind me. Bright new faces are in the midst of tackling the toughest part of the program while I’m getting the opportunity to reconnect with my classmates after a summer apart.

I’m going to cherish this year and everything it brings, because no part of my life will ever be like it again. I want to take advantage of the opportunity to have so many friends nearby and on a similar schedule. We’ve talked about hanging out and going on trips and basically enjoying each others’ company. I want to get a group together for skydiving, a Yosemite trip, a visit to Iceland, and so much more.

I’ll also be looking to establish strong relationships with the first years and accomplish some things through the clubs I’m involved with. The classes I’m taking are interesting for both personal and professional development, so I’m looking forward to that. Plus, it’s so fun to have class with people you love to be around. I really hope these are friendships that are going to last me a lifetime. I know some of them certainly are incredible and I look forward to seeing where the future takes us all. For now, I’m just trying to remember what it means to be a student because all I want to do is be an MBA! 😉

Moving On

laelene Posted in mba，Tags: internship, school, work

19 August 2017

I’ve been planning to move up to NorCal to work at Cisco after graduating ever since I got the internship offer back in October. After working there this summer, I got back this week and learned that they decided not to extend me a full-time offer. So now that I’m a free agent looking for a job upon graduation, I’ve got a lot of options to consider.

Where do I want to live? What type of companies do I want to apply for? Should I keep looking for a rotational program?

It’s strange, having the ground shift underneath your feet. I feel like I’ve been sent into a freefall and a new world is opening up below me. It’s a brand new universe that I get to create as I fall into it, and right now I’m not sure what I want it to look like. So here I am, considering what I want it to be.

While I’m disappointed that I didn’t get the offer, I’ve never shied away from a world of opportunity, so I’m leaning in to the exciting possibilities that re-recruiting will offer me. We’ll see where I land!

Summer work life

laelene Posted in mba，Tags: bay area, cisco, experiences, friends, habits, internships, norcal, patterns, summer, work

12 June 2017

I’m starting to settle in to my role at Cisco and create a few habits. I generally get to work around 8 (ugh) and wrap up around 5, with lunch at 12 with some of my fellow HRLPers (Human Resources Leadership Program interns and full-timers). After work I go to the gym to work out and then relax in the steam room and sauna before showering and heading to dinner. Some evenings I have happy hours or other events to attend.

Later in the week, the interns in other Cisco departments tend to get together for dinner. They also try to coordinate lunch together, but I work in a building about a mile from them so it’s too much of a hassle and I like having some time to my own intern cohort and potential workmates.

I usually get home (to my AirBnB) around 8:30-9:30 and sometimes I chat with one of the other tenants. There’s a South American working for a wine company, a Chicagoan who works at the ER at Kaiser, a traveling consultant, a Chinese girl and her friend, plus one mystery guy who I have yet to meet. I then spend the rest of the night in my room grooving to music and doing a variety of things online before calling it a night.

It’s a rather peaceful yet somehow still busy life. I feel a certain amount of stress making sure I do a good job this summer at work and I also want to ensure I’m taking advantage of the opportunity to explore the area with a variety of friends. This past weekend we went to the redwoods and Santa Cruz, which was an amazing time. I held my very first banana slug!! I’m sure there will be more to come. I should also try to reconnect with old friends who are working up in the SF area, but it feels oh so far…

Starting at Cisco

laelene Posted in mba，

31 May 2017

Today I began my summer internship at Cisco in HR!!?

All badged up.

Breakfast at the all hands, Cisco Beat.

Awesome mugs they were giving out!

CEO Chuck Robbins kicks off Cisco Beat.

Got lunch at the local cafeteria.

Delicious Indian food!! ?

The cool swag they welcomed me with. ?

One of the execs brought her dog to work.

I got to put this sticker on my laptop. ?

Riding motorcycles

laelene Posted in mba, stories，Tags: experiences, los angeles, motorcycles, pictures

07 May 2017

Five weeks ago, I was chatting with some friends when one of them (my “Partner”) randomly mentioned he had an extra helmet and could take me on a motorcycle ride sometime.

You should have seen the wide-eyed, excited look I gave him.

It was the weirdest thing because just days earlier, I had been thinking to myself who I knew with a motorcycle. I was driving back from a tour of Amazon’s facilities out in San Bernardino and kept seeing motorcycles passing by. One of my mentors had recently had his stolen, which also caught my attention (and strangely enough got me interested).

I had been mulling the idea over in my head for a few days when out of the blue, the offer was made and I cannot tell you how ecstatic yet baffled I was. Had he read my mind?! I hadn’t talked to anybody about it yet and our topic of conversation was nowhere near the subject. I wasn’t about to ask questions though, so I happily took him up on it. Ever since, we’ve been trying to find a time to go and things kept getting in the way.

So FINALLY, yesterday we got a chance to go for a ride. Partner picked me up in DTLA and we went through Echo Park towards Griffith Observatory. When we first got going, I was rather surprised to find nothing to hold on to except him. For some reason I hadn’t expected that. As we went along, I got to see a bit of what others had warned me of in terms of crazy drivers who either don’t see or don’t care you’re there. We tried out some winding roads and meandered around surface streets before stopping to grab some lunch. It was so interesting for me to look around as we went – I feel like I saw a lot more and noticed a lot more.

I found it quite odd that people seemed to ignore our presence as they drove in their cars texting irresponsibly. Being exposed like that made me feel a lot more connected with my surroundings and I kept shifting my gaze to try to see as much as possible. There were moments where I burst out into a goofy grin because it was so cool to be cruising along. I certainly didn’t get my fill this time, but there will be other chances!