There’s too much going on right now.

I shouldn’t even be writing this post, but I need some time to myself and my thoughts amidst this mess. I had a midterm this morning (it went awful – I’m pretty sure I only answered 1/17 short answer questions correctly), we are just two days away from Admit Weekend (AW17), I have a take-home midterm due on Friday, and there’s a project presentation Friday morning right before the insanity of AW17 kicks off and takes me through Saturday night.

At the moment, it’s all a little too overwhelming. I can’t even step back to properly gauge what I should be doing when. I kind of need a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

Yet at the same time, I’m having fun and enjoying life. I went to Israelpalooza on campus with friends today and enjoyed some delicious Israeli food in the beautiful shade of a tree. I wore my neon orange blazer for the first time since buying it something like 5 years ago and got tons of compliments. I even went to a social hour with a colonel and lieutenant colonel who came to speak to us (they were super cool).

I don’t know if it’s subconscious, but I seem to opt for a bright color against neutrals whenever I’m feeling down. I did that years ago with bold red lipstick and a cream top/black leggings. Today it was the blazer that pretty much glowed on its own against a cream dress.

Internally I’m struggling with a lot of ups and downs. I’m starting to think I might need a therapist. Externally, I think I appear pretty happy (albeit tired). I feel so conflicted and I think the most frustrating part is that it is so back and forth. Happy, sad. High, low. Good, bad. I can’t keep up with my own emotions and it’s exhausting.

I wish I had somebody to go on a walk with, tell all my secrets to. I wish I had the time to take a breather and have the space for that. I wish I had the energy to cry.

For now, I’m just trying to hold on until Sunday. Then I’m treating myself to a glorious spa day.