If nothing else, he has been amazingly resilient to ridicule. I respect that. photo credit: soundoflife.net

Failure.  My greatest fear.  Failing to accomplish what I want to.  Failing to meet others’ expectations.  Failing to become the kind of person I dream of.  Failing to live a life I’m proud of.  Fear of failure holds me back, paralyzes me.  It gives me no room to breathe, no chance to defend myself.  It suffocates me.  And most of this is done in a very subconscious manner.  But when I carefully examine my approach to things, I have learned that it all boils down to this simple fear.  Katana wrote about the difference between success and responsibility and it seems that people often mistake the two.  What I have come to realize over the years is that I admire people’s success, but not their responsibility.  So, though there are people who I may think I want to be at times, I really don’t.  I don’t envy the pressure they face, whether from the paparazzi following them everywhere or to their “failures” blasted out for the world to know.  And I fear that sort of judgment of failure.

Even the smallest failures can hold me back from taking due risks, especially when it comes to work or a career.  I am terrified of making mistakes on the job.  I’m threatened by the possibility of falling flat on my face trying a skill I’m unfamiliar with.  And so, I sit quietly, not really challenging myself, or keeping my ideas to myself, in case they’re ridiculous.  It’s really hard for me to put myself up for judgment and I have actively avoided such things.  Though I usually get very positive feedback, even the most tactfully-put criticism stings hard.  I really need to overcome that, but it’s very hard for me to deal with a sense of disappointment.  It’s like I could have, should have, done something, if only I would have.  And that is an opportunity wasted, isn’t it?  Of course, I don’t expect to grab every opportunity that comes by.  Certainly I will miss out on some, but those that I do grab can be far better, if I play my cards right.

However, I’m not afraid to stand out.  I’m not afraid to do silly, crazy, strange, weird, unusual things.  I’m not afraid to be unconventional.  That all goes to mush when it comes to a workplace environment though.  At least throughout my educational years, people are expected to be learning at school, which in turn opens the doors for mistakes.  In the workplace though, people are expected to be doing, which is much less conducive to allowing mistakes.  I was blessed that the environment at C&S was very forgiving, yet even then I always feared that a request to talk privately was just another way to critique my performance.  I’ve always had a deep-rooted fear and respect for authority, whether it be parents, teachers and professors, or bosses.  It’s hard for me to see them as friends or as equals, no matter how well they treat me.  Even though I’ve come a long way in not being held back by these feelings, there’s still quite a way to go and I would be devastated if something I did that was considered bad ever got in the news.

photo credit: twitip.com

I’m slowly breaking out of the grip of this fear, as I gain more confidence in what I do.  I’m actually perfectly fine with putting myself out there to get a job and I don’t mind being judged and rejected for that, but once I’m working, I’m always afraid of how I am perceived by my supervisors.  I’m not afraid of being jobless and I’m not afraid of asserting what skills I have learned from previous jobs.  I don’t mind the idea of striking out on my own, but I’m letting my fear of failure in my parents’ eyes push that aside for a more standard job.  The entrepreneurial desires will have to wait until I can justify what I’m doing to my parents.  I must admit I am a bit fearful of not being able to hack it as a businesswoman though.  I really do believe that I can do it though, and I will work at it until that becomes reality.  I’m not afraid to work hard.  I just don’t want people following my every footstep, documenting every mistake, and discovering all my weaknesses.  I can do that just fine for myself, thank you very much.  I think that’s the biggest driver behind why I wouldn’t want to be a famous star.  I would like people to know my name, but in the same way we know someone like Bill Gates – he certainly doesn’t attract the screaming teenaged girls or stalker photographers quite like the people of Hollywood.

So there you have it, my greatest insecurity.