What am I striving for?

For awhile now, I’ve lost a lot of sense of my direction and purpose in life. I’m not sure where I’m trying to go or what I’m trying to do anymore. It’s extremely disorienting and befuddling. Like being washed beneath a wave and not knowing which direction is up…

After months of struggling with this sense of confusion and suffering quite a bit of angst over it, I’m starting to get my bearings a little. But every time I think I’m about to gain footing, I find myself slipping a little. So I’m hesitant. Hesitant to build up my own confidence in myself, because I don’t feel like I know myself anymore.

What is it that shapes our goals in life? As a child, it was easy. There were expectations of me to go through the typical rites of passage: various phases of schooling, graduate, get a diploma, next step, graduate, get a degree, next step, graduate, get a job… and finally, go back to school for the dream that formed on a basketball court back in Henry H. Wells Middle School – that MBA.

And so here I am, finally getting that MBA. Now what? Get that big fancy job, earn some six-figure salary, and start a family? Is that what life is about? Is that what I want? I’m really not sure.

So again, I question: what is it that shapes our goals in life? Now that I’ve been an adult for nearly a decade and a half, I’m finally begun to wonder how much of those goals, those dreams, are mine. Have I truly taken the time to discern what matters to me? Really all of what I expected and wanted has been from external factors. It’s not that I’m not interested in them. But what’s truly inside of me? What would I do if the world weren’t there to push me along?

These are the kinds of questions I’m muddling my way through. I’m glad that I have a bit of an anchor now in my work with a startup, which is at once thrilling and intriguing to me. It’s not at all where I thought my MBA program would lead me, but it’s so much better. I’ve never quite fit the mold and here I get the opportunity to create my own. How incredible is that? All the while I’m learning and growing too.

As I cling to that bit of sanity, I wonder – now what is it exactly that I’m trying to achieve with my life, personally and professionally? It’s a big question to tackle and I’m trying to be ok with having a fuzzy answer. It’s hard because I’ve been driving towards a clear destination on a relatively paved road and suddenly I’ve veered off and I’m not sure I should be on that road. Should I start walking into the field instead? Should I drive onto another road? All I know is that I feel the need to do something; I certainly can’t languish here.

After all this babbling, I’m not sure how much I make sense or how cryptic I might be. I guess this reflects the lack of direction I generally feel in my unpredictable life right now. Everything is up in the air. I wonder what will catch me.