Posts Tagged ‘childhood’

Eye contact

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
19 February 2010
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Ever since I was young, I’ve had trouble with eye contact.  Whenever I look into people’s eyes, I find that I can’t hold the gaze for long, and I either start to look at random things that surround us or other parts of their face.  It all stems from extreme shyness in my childhood, when I was too scared to look at people, so I stared at their noses or eyebrows instead.  Even nowadays, I find it hard to hold someone’s gaze, perhaps because I find it to be so intimate.  Eyes have always been my favorite body part.  Looking straight into them distracts me from the conversation at hand.  I get lost and my mind spins.  Eyes are far too intense.  I’m still working on it, but  I think this is such a deep-seeded childhood habit that I don’t know if I will ever overcome it completely.

Anyone else have this problem?

The big, bad wolf

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
10 February 2010
1

When I was three and a half, I flew from China to meet my parents in Pennsylvania.  On the plane ride, I was with a family friend who had been tasked with babysitting me for the trip.  The one thing I remember from that time in my life was during the plane ride, when the lady had to go to the bathroom.  She took the airplane blanket we were using, opened it up, and draped it over me.  Hidden securely underneath, she told me not to move until she came back, or else the big, bad wolf would come and eat me.  Obediently, I huddled in my little cave, waiting for her to return.

A long time later, my little toddler self was getting antsy, but I was a good kid, so I stayed under the blanket.  As the minutes passed, I began to wonder if perhaps the wolf had gotten her.  What was  taking so long?  When she finally came back, I was so relieved to get my freedom back!  Turns out she’d gotten distracted talking to a flight attendant on her way back from her restroom break.  And here I’d thought maybe she’d forgotten me there.  Thank goodness, we were both safe and the wolf was nowhere to be seen!  🙂

Weight maintenance

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , ,
21 January 2010
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I have been really blessed when it comes to my weight.  I’ve never had to diet and never been fat (though at times I’ve been fatter than I would have preferred).  However, I’ve always had a “normal” BMI (fluctuating between 19.6-22.7) and I’ve always looked and felt perfectly healthy.  And though I’ve never dieted, I have certainly lost weight kind of like I might have been, which was really random.

When I left for Singapore, I weighed 140 lbs, and when I came back five months later, I was 130 lbs.  I didn’t notice a difference until I weighed myself at the doctor’s, when I went in for a check-up after getting sick (just to make sure it wasn’t H1N1).  Actually, even then, I didn’t really notice a difference, but not long after, I suddenly realized the reason my pants had been loose and why I had needed to wear a belt more.  Since then, I’ve lost another 5 lbs for no good reason and that’s where I’m at now.  When I’ve eaten, I’m around 130 and when I haven’t, I’m at 125.  I don’t watch what I eat and pretty much go with whatever I am craving, which mostly happens to be pickles, ice cream, kimchi fried rice, or (most recently) chili cheese fries.

I hit my peak when I was in England, at around 145.  It was probably in part due to the cold (hey, you need some insulating body fat!), lack of movement, and just general unhealthy behavior starting from when I entered college.  It wasn’t until I looked at how I look now, versus pictures of how I looked then, that I can see the difference.  My face is rounder and plumper in those pictures and I probably fit my pants a lot better.  After all, I bought a bunch of new jeans before going abroad and now they’re all quite loose.

I never realized how fit I was in high school until I got really out of shape in college.  Whereas before I had track & field, swimming, and ROTC training to keep me extremely active, in college I lazed around eating great food and lounging on couches or my bed.  I guess my natural weight is just around 140, since it seems I can maintain that very easily.  Nowadays I linger at 125 and I wonder if it is because I can’t eat as much as I used to.  As a kid, I was always a huge eater (and more of a snacker), so my metabolism was constantly on hyperdrive.  I think that helped me not gain a lot of weight and now that my metabolism has slowed, my eating habits have shrunk along with it.  I’m just glad I never had to discipline myself to eat well because I love my food too much!

My dreams of being a school bus driver

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
19 January 2010
0

When I was young, I wanted to be a number of unusual things.  While other children were aspiring to be doctors, lawyers, artists, dancers, or some form of celebrity, I once had it in my mind that I wanted to be a school bus driver.  You see, I always had a penchant for sharing candy and snacks with my friends and I figured there was no better job that allowed you to give candy to kids than that of a school bus driver.  I wouldn’t have to deal with teaching and grading like teachers do, I wouldn’t have to clean up after messy kids like janitors do, and I wouldn’t have to deal with strange cafeteria food like the servers do.  All I’d have to do is pick students up in the morning and drop them off at night.  Meanwhile, I could have a lovely stash of treats that I’d give out for holidays and in certain special times like first and last day of school.

When I was in fourth grade, my teacher had an entire drawer of delicious candy.  When we got homework assignments and tests back, we’d find nickels, dimes, and quarters stamped at the top of our page.  Depending on how well we did for that assignment or test, we would find different increments of change stamped on.  We would  then tear off the stamped image and keep it in a bag or pencil case.  Then, one glorious day, Mrs. S would open up her fabulous drawer and allow us to “buy” the candy within.  Though I thought that would be fun to do, I didn’t like the other aspects of the job, like controlling unruly young kids and patiently teaching them a variety of subjects.  So, I decided that I would rather be the like school bus driver, who would give us candy on Valentine’s Day or for the winter holidays.  It’s all the fun without the grunt work!

Zen moments

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
01 December 2009
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Sometimes when you just need a bit of peace, the most eclectic set of activities can be the ones that are soothing and therapeutic.  They all involve a certain amount of solitude, but have little else in common.  Some require heavy thinking whereas others let your mind wander; some are more physically demanding while others are more mentally-challenging.

planting small plant into rich soilTake gardening, for example.  It’s one of those activities that doesn’t require much thinking, but can be more physical as you forge a bond with nature.  You can escape from the harsh noises in our lives and get a little closer to the life around you.  It’s refreshing because it’s a change from the typical daily grind and it gives our eyes a rest from the artificial lights that tend to surround us.  Growing up in the Midwest, I particularly love wandering around gardens or getting a little dirty because of the connection I get with Mother Nature.  It’s fascinating to observe some of the plants that surround us, since most of us barely glance at them as we rush by.  Taking the time to breath in the fresh air being produced by the plants, discovering some of the insects that cohabit with them, and really getting to understand where we came from is a great way to de-stress.

cool art and craft project of paper loops formed into star shape

Making things can be so satisfying.
photo credit


Arts and crafts are also a great way to let yourself go mentally (for the most part).  Once you learn the basic pattern or technique to your chosen activity, you quickly learn to automate most of the process.  You are then free to express yourself creatively through the designs that you make on the surface of your choice, whether it’s a piece of cloth or a block of wood.  When your hands are busy, your mind is free to wander with fewer inhibitions and conversations can flow more readily.  Even when you’re not speaking, it’s not an awkward silence because everyone is focused on the task at hand.  What a lovely way to pass the time by with friends, family, or even complete strangers.

Another thing I find really comforting is studying in a library.  When you enter a place like that, there’s a certain level of silence with just whispers of sound coming from the movements of others studying alongside you.  It’s kind of nice to be in such an academic setting, with everyone around you working so hard that it helps you focus too.  I find that I need to be at peace to a certain extent before I have the patience to sit down and pore over my work diligently.  The good thing is, you can really get on a roll and get a lot done when your focus is just right!

On the opposite end, when you get into the right rhythm for a sport, it’s truly a marvelous feeling.  Runner’s high isn’t something restricted only to that sport; in fact, I’d venture to say each athlete can reach a point where the physical exertion of their body is in such peace and harmony that they’ve reached that state of flow.  When you’ve hit the ball just right, moved your body perfectly, and attained something you never had before, there’s not much that can beat that feeling.  The feeling that it’s just right.

grocery shopping in the drinks aisle with tons of colors and choices

See how fun it is?


Finally, I’ve always found grocery shopping to be a pleasing outing.  Food always makes me happy and it’s the one thing that I won’t fuss over prices for.  I like to buy what I want to eat when I want it.  So, purchasing food is great for me because it means I get to satisfy my taste buds and stomach with whatever catches my eye.  Since I don’t often go with a long list and usually only have an item or two I intend to get for sure, it’s a leisurely stroll through the aisles for me as I peruse the choices and reach out to whatever captures my fancy.

So, what’s the activity that gives you your peace of mind?

Holiday spelling

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
29 November 2009
0

poinsettiaPoinsettia.  A word I always dreaded come Christmastime as a child.  I distinctly remember in first grade when we were learning holiday-themed words in class to be tested on and I always struggled with poinsettia.  Christmas was fine, Santa Claus and reindeer and wreath and holly were all too, but poinsettia – that dreaded flower!  I mean, they’re nice enough to look at and all, but really, who came up with that name?!  Was it in their agenda to make my childhood December uncomfortable and awkward?  If so, they were quite successful.

I’ve always prided myself in being an excellent speller.  Not the best, but enough to win the spelling bee in my second grade class with the word chimney.  Though I wasn’t able to win the overall school competition, I wasn’t that crushed – I never expected to be a prodigy or genius of any sort.  I was just a natural at spelling, that’s all.  But oooh when I had to spell POINSETTIA the year before, I lost some of my confidence.  Perhaps it was because I always had it in my mind that it was “poinsetta” (and thus always got docked on my quiz).  In retrospect, it seems such a silly little thing that I should have been able to pick up easily enough, but then again it’s been 16 years since those days.

I guess I’ve learned something since then.  😛

P.S. – Happy 50th to my mommy!  🙂  As I told her, halfway there.  😉

Family time

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , ,
27 September 2009
0

I got a chance to spend some quality time with my dad today, showing him some of things I did and saw while I was in Southeast Asia and even going shopping with him.  We’re a family of few words and often it is difficult for me to small talk because that’s not what we do.  So today, I used the pictures I take as a medium for sharing my recent life experiences, mostly in Thailand, Hong Kong, and Singapore.

It was nice to tell my dad what I had been up to and hear from him the projects he’s been working on.  Over the years, we haven’t shared much.  Usually he’d just ask me about how classes were going and discuss career stuff.  And I only ever went to him if I needed some thoughts on jobs or something along those professional lines.  We talk business, and then we stop talking.  Because of that, I know just the basics of what’s he’s up to – working in China as VP of an environmental consulting firm.

Today, however, there was a bit more of an exchange.  We’re awkward with each other when it comes to conversation because we’ve spent 20 years not talking much.  Not every family functions the same way and a big part of my nuclear family is the individualism we have.  I do my own thing in my own room and my parents do their own thing in their own spaces.  They only come to my room occasionally to find me if it’s time to eat or wake up and I haven’t gone downstairs.  Sometimes I feel the pressure to try to be more like a normal family and interact more, but who’s to say that’s better?

I never understood the people who talk to their parents on a daily basis.  It was always a mystery to me what they had to talk about.  Over the past couple of years, I’ve learned that it’s really nothing.  They talk about absolutely nothing, really.  Boring things like the weather and meals and unimportant general statements here and there.  Recounts of days with some thoughts thrown in.  Yet that is exactly what makes it so nice.  They’re not talking to really learn anything most of the time; they’re talking just to converse with each other, share with each other.

That’s what I found today.  I learned a lot of random things that won’t matter in the long run, like my aunt is looking for skincare gift packages.  He, in turn, learned a lot of random mundane things too, like how I think sting rays would be great pets.  In a few weeks, I bet we won’t even remember this stuff, but it’ll have created a deeper sense of connection that can last.  It seems that those families that are constantly in contact can be close just because they exchange so much with each other over the years.

I guess there doesn’t always have to be a lucid point to each interaction.  I’ve never liked pointless conversation, at least not via a device (hence why phone calls rarely last over 2 minutes).  Unfortunately, most of the time that’s the only way to connect with my parents.  Another reason why I just don’t talk to them.  It’s too much effort, it’s too awkward, it’s completely pointless.  Now I’m seeing that it may not be – not entirely, anyway.

Legos, a mind challenge

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , ,
25 September 2009
1
legos

photo credit: tantek.com

I believe that Legos are one of the best toys that people (particularly kids) can play with.  They’re so wonderfully simple, yet combined together can be amazingly complex.  Kind of like how life works – you have all these microscopic cells that combine to create life.  The sum of the parts is greater than the whole, right?  When you start putting a lot of things together, it’s not as simple as addition – it’s more like multiplication, where things get more and more complex as there are more units of whatever that are interacting with each other.

Now Legos don’t get quite so complicated, but they certainly do lend themselves to an endless variety of structures!  Using these little building blocks, you can make robots and houses and animals and faces.  Really, whatever you are creative enough to conjure up in your imagination, you can find a way to represent it using Legos.  I love that they’re very plain and the beauty that arises from them can only be got through creative thinking.  It encourages people to think.

See, you’ve got these parameters.  You only have square and rectangular blocks.  They can only stack on each other.  The fewer circles you overlap to put them together, the less stable that connection.  There are only a handful of generally primary colors to work with.  That’s pretty much it.  Then you’re let loose into a world full of designs that can fill up your head.  These are the kind of toys that challenge kids while making it fun.  That’s why I believe in the earliest versions of these lovely toys.  The crazy designs that have come out since then take the creative fun out of the user’s side and puts it into the manufacturer’s side.  Now it’s people who work for the company that come up with cool things and shapes are made to fit that.  Not as exciting as finding out how to make something look like that with the given (limited) resources.  It has become more about aesthetic appeal than mental appeal now.

However, I will say that those new designs can still teach kids something.  I’ve often self-taught myself skills and I find that when that happens, you lose out on the “tricks of the trade.”  So rather than having to figure it out yourself, if you first follow instructions and build exactly what is mapped out for you, you can learn the methodologies behind how to create such a thing.  I can imagine if you got one of those pre-designed versions of Legos and tried to build it just by looking at the end result, you’d find yourself with pieces in the wrong place, missing pieces, or leftover pieces.  If you take that first time as a process-learning experience, then take that and start making your own things from that structural knowledge, I’d say that was still time and money well-spent.  I’m just afraid that nothing will be learned, except how to read and follow instructions.

Besides, there’s nothing quite like the mindless fun of putting blocks together without the pressure of creating something beautiful.  With plain blocks, there’s that freedom.  With strange ones that are meant to be something else, it’s not as fun to mess around and let your mind wander.  You never know what you may come up with and what you can learn in the process!

When time stands still

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
20 September 2009
0
Just like old times, taking self-portraits in the car.

Just like old times, taking self-portraits in the car.

I got a chance to hang out with Katana yesterday and it never ceases to amaze me how each time we see each other, I don’t feel like she’s been gone for that long.  The last time I saw her was sometime during Christmas break a good nine months ago, but it’s easy for us to fall right back into an old pattern, an old routine.  I guess this is kind of how I live my life, since the same thing happens when my parents and I are reunited, and last month when I finally came back to LA and saw Panda again.  In each case, the time we spent apart doesn’t seem so long because of the ease in which we slip back into familiar territory.  Sure, a lot has changed, but fundamentally, we’re still the same.

It’s weird to think about Katana and Elle, who were the two best friends I had from my high school years at Valencia.  Ever since Katana and I graduated, with her going off to VMI, then NMMI, and I going off to UCLA, the three of us have only gotten to hang out sporadically, whenever it happened to work out.  Usually that meant about once or twice a year, particularly the over the holidays and/or during another one of our seasonal breaks.  And though interactions were few and far between, we were still the Asian girls who stood out and didn’t quite fit into the mould of what people expected girls, especially Asian girls, to be.  I guess that’s what ties us together in the end – this common way of life that leads us from “normal” girl activities to things like JROTC, where we met, or to be particularly outspoken about some feminist beliefs.

Sometimes I can’t believe I’ve known these two ladies for nearly 7 years now!  I haven’t ever known and stayed in contact with someone for that long.  Being that I moved every 3-4 years, that’s not too surprising.  For the first time in my life though, I’m going back to old friends again and again.  They are no longer memories to be stored away in a compartment labeled based on what city I knew them from.  Now they are a consistent prescense in my life, however fleeting that may be.  So I guess this is shocking to me because I don’t know what it’s like to have lifelong friends.  Do they all fare so well seeing each other so infrequently?  No matter where we are, whether it’s spread across three states in the US (like we are now), or spread across countries (as we’ve often been), I don’t need to see or even talk to these girls to know they will be there.  It’s kind of like family.

A picture is also like a moment frozen in time... photo credit: _Mike_Howard_ on flickr

A picture is also like a moment frozen in time... photo credit: _Mike_Howard_ on flickr

Speaking of family, mine is also a very scattered one, with me seeing my relatives something like seven times over my lifetime and seeing my parents twice a year on average.  And though we’ve all grown a lot these two decades, I still think of my parents as 35-year-olds and honestly, only when I look closely do I realize they’re not anymore.  But in my head, there’s a semi-frozen image of my family members – my cousins are still budding young adults, my parents quite young, and my grandparents still sprightly.  Sure, we’ve added a few new members since then, but they kind of just get tacked on without the others gaining much in age.  I don’t know how it works in my mind, but that’s how I recall my closest kin.  Every time I see them again, even after four years away and so much that happened in between, I remember a lot of my childhood and the main processes remain unchanged.  I still get spoiled and stay with the same people and generally do and eat the same things.

Even for my parents, the few weeks I see them out of the year doesn’t seem so odd because those memories last me a long time.  I’ve got so much other stuff going on while I’m on my own that just touching base with them semi-annually is plenty to work from.  It does get lonely in the house sometimes when I’m the only one, but I’m used to solitude.  That was much like how our household functions anyway.  Besides, at my age, it’s time to be moving out and doing things on my own.  Much as I adore my house, Valencia is not really the place to jump start a career.  I’d rather be in Westwood or Santa Monica, or somewhere more central to the hubbub of LA.

Finally, the day that I came back after months away in Singapore, I was nervous to see Panda again.  It was our first time being apart since things really got started and it was certainly not a short period of time to cope with.  Even now I wonder how we managed, because not seeing him for a day can make me antsy.  I was glad that we fell pretty quickly back into a comfortable rhythm, working out our schedules around challenges, as we’ve always done.  I had been afraid that it would take some time to warm up again and that we may almost be like strangers for a bit, but that didn’t last very long.  Once again, time altered its flow for me (well, at least to my perception it did) and it was like a fraction of the time had actually passed.  I guess that’s what happens with people you care about.  Katana said it best: we have changed enough to have things to talk about, but haven’t changed so much that we don’t connect anymore.

Oceanic wonders

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
24 July 2009
1

Right before I left Hong Kong, I went on a tour that took us searching for pink dolphins somewhere north of Lantau Island.  Nobody is really sure why they’re pink, but they are undoubtedly so.  When I first heard of them, I thought they’d be a mild pink or something like that, where the scientists who study them exclaim, “Look at how pink they are!” and the rest of us stare and wonder what in the world they’re talking about.  Then, with just the right combination of sunlight and squinting, our eyes would play the right trick on us as the water made odd reflections and then – there!  We’d see it.

DSC06832That’s what I thought, anyway.  Then I saw pictures and it was undeniable; these things are PINK.  Like little girl playing hopscotch and blowing Bubble Yum gum pink.  Like pink rose pink.  Like how flamingos are neon pink, they are baby pink.  Nothing like the “pink” tint of human skin or other such wannabes.  So, I was really excited to go out to see some of these creatures for myself.  I almost couldn’t get on a tour, but we managed to book me for a tour before I was due to leave (though I had to delay my intended departure time by a few hours).

photo credit: hkdolphinwatch.com

photo credit: hkdolphinwatch.com

On the bus ride to the boat, one of our tour guides explained the sad state of affairs the dolphins and their natural habitat were in.  They’re hoping to spread the word and make pink dolphins a national treasure, so the dwindling number of 150 or so can continue on strong.  The future is not looking great for them, so they’re trying to raise awareness of the issue to be able to garner enough support to protect them.  After all, where else do you get pink dolphins?  As to why they’re pink, the main theory is that they live in murky waters and need less protection from UV rays.  Babies are still born grey, then they go through a “spotty” period where they start to shed that for the pink until they finally become fully pink and indoctrinated into adulthood.

As we were told about the shoddy tagging and tracking efforts and about the whale that came to the Hong Kong Harbor awhile back, I thought that maybe I should have been a marine biologist.  I would love to explore the things in the ocean and tag these pink wonders to track their population.  I love being out on the ocean or near any body of water and I wouldn’t mind living on an island or in the mountains.  However, I think that profession comes with the same type of down side that deterred me away from becoming a veterinarian – animal die frequently and in this case, much of it is because of human activity.  So just as I couldn’t bear the thought of putting down someone’s pet, I don’t know if I’d be able to not get depressed at the conditions that some animals are living in now, or what their future holds.  Oh well, I’ll just love them from afar and help out through volunteering and donations.

photo credit: sightseeingworld.com

photo credit: sightseeingworld.com

The passion with which the tour guide spoke of the dolphins made me want to be a tour guide too.  I would love to spend my days introducing travelers to that which I care about, whether it’s points of interest in a city, a unique experience, or a special animal.  It’s also why I’d like to run a hostel – to welcome all the strangers who have come to my city to see what there is to offer.  I think it’d be amazing to share what I love best with the myriad of tourists.  I’d hope I’d be able to inspire them to enjoy it as much as I do too.  I wonder if that type of job pays well.  😛

We arrived at the boat and were told that we could spot the dolphins’ fins bobbing in and out when they came up to breathe and that was how we’d find them.  With a quick warning that some rubbish may look like it at first, so look for clear movement, we were off to search for them.  For about three hours we were on the boat, enjoying the breeze and sun as they came and went, our eyes scanning the horizon, trying to pick out a fin emerging.  All I saw was an expanse of white speckles that would come and go as mini waves would break in the choppy waters.  I was so desperate to see one that I even thought I saw glimpses of pink that turned out to be a red warning flag, a shadow in the water, and other random things.  My mind was happily playing tricks on me at every opportunity.

DSC06638When we were first heading out, we were right around the area where the planes were coming in for landing at the airport.  Distracted, I took pictures and videos of them as they roared overhead and came down for a smooth landing.  By the time one plane landed, another was appearing from the clouds, making its descent.  One by one the planes took turns coming in, like clockwork, as others left going in the other direction.  I marveled at how many people and how much cargo I had just seen arriving in Hong Kong.  It was the first time I’d ever spent some time watching the operations of an airport and it was pretty cool.

DSC06656At one point when we were further out, I was sitting in front, staring down at the water when a little fish jumped out and quickly got overrun by the boat.  I continued staring down and soon more came, jumping just ahead of the boat, then falling off to the sides to avoid being hit.  Excited, I started to film and snap away, trying to get a good shot of these little flying fish.  Maybe it was just my imagination, but they looked a lot like mini dolphins.  I spent a long time observing them and noticed that when they are in groups, they all jump at more or less the same time in some sort of coordinated effort.  They also really seemed to like jumping in front of the boat in the rushing water, but once they went off to the side, they seemed to resume swimming more.  I guess they’re looking for the adrenaline rush!

DSC06697

Turns out I did manage one shot!

By and by the boat turned around and did what I dreaded most: headed back to shore.  I sat there thinking to myself, “We better see them now and they better get freakin’ close!”  Dismayed, I tried to enjoy the ride itself and the lull of relaxing on a boat.  Suddenly I heard, “12 o’clock!  12 o’clock!!!”  One of the tour guides had spotted something!  Everyone rushed to the front and looked straight ahead at 12 o’clock and… there!  A single pink dolphin emerged and went back down.  This one came quite close to the boat, but unfortunately I missed a picture of her.  Soon after, another was spotted at 9 o’clock and with her was an adolescent.  I spent the most time with these two, getting some decent footage and cooing happily the whole time.  More single ones were seen at 3 o’clock and back around 12 o’clock, but they were further away and disappeared much more quickly.

DSC06718I so wanted to hop in the water, toxins and all, and go join them.  I wondered if they’d come closer to explore if I had some body parts dangling in the water.  Still, it was so rewarding to finally find them, after so many hours of searching.  I had even begun to entertain the idea of how I could go on another trip (they offer a free retry if you don’t see any on your trip) – perhaps I could get an IOU that wouldn’t expire, so I could use it years down the line, or whenever I return.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about that in the end and we ended the trip on a happy note.

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