Posts Tagged ‘health’

Clouded

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
06 October 2009
0
photo credit: markterrybooks.com

photo credit: markterrybooks.com

At moments, my mind is clouded by a foggy haze.  Thoughts no longer come in lucidly and I can just imagine the transmissions in my brain slowing down.  It’s hard to focus when an invisible weight sets foot on your cranium and won’t dissolve, no matter how you try.  In fact, it’s almost like corn starch in water or a Chinese finger trap, where the harder you try, the more resistant it gets.  So I’ve given up fighting against the current and decided that it’s time to let my weary mind rest for the night.  I have no clue what has brought on this mental murkiness, but along with it I feel a sense of increased agitation and restlessness.

Snippets of thoughts run through my head – things to remember, things to do, things to… wait, what was I thinking again? A train of thought is lost just as easily as another takes its place and my mind jumps around lethargically in a way completely unlike the normal stream of thoughts that has me working at a quick pace.  I remember websites I meant to visit and read, but I’ve no patience to go through the words.  My left eye feels more strained than my right and that irks me.  I remember moments that I was harsh or irresponsible towards Panda and I get a pang of guilt.

Too many choices lay in my path and I can’t seem to rationalize my decisions.  Everything is a good path, so how do I choose just one?  I want to go to all these events, but I don’t have the time and shouldn’t use the resources to.  I’ve been craving ice cream all night long and never got around to getting some.  I’ve wasted way too much  time agonizing over when I’ll gain access to Google Wave, then researching Google Voice and MetroPCS instead.  Why?  Because I’m curious and wanted to learn about them.  But I feel at a standstill, unable to get what I want though I know what it is that I’d love so much.  A lot of that has to do with my job search.

I wouldn’t say I’ve found a dream job, but I’ve found one that fits my main specifications and sounds wonderful:

1. with UCLA

2. environment-related

3. decent pay with benefits

4. small work environment

But I haven’t heard back and it’s frustrating because I hate the whole job hunting process and I’d like to just get a job and settle a bit.  Much as I enjoy what I’m doing now, there’s huge pressure from my parents to find a job.  I don’t think they want anything else from me now, even if I win an award or get to do something prestigious.

I'd like some tranquility and a sense of accomplishment right about now. photo credit: healthyoga.com

I'd like some tranquility and a sense of accomplishment right about now. photo credit: healthyoga.com

My body feels out of sync and I’m getting more conscious of my unevenness.  I haven’t had a proper workout for ages because I’ve been telling myself that I’ll start up a routine once I get a job.  See, even I’m placing these restrictions on myself.  I just want to land that job, get an apartment, get that new car, and begin a routine.  Strange.  I’m not one for routines and doing the same thing over and over again.  But at the same time, I’d like a little more pattern in my life.  Living week to week is not sustainable.  So many things hinge on settling (and having money): starting to attend yoga classes, joining a massage clinic, picking up more hobbies, getting more creative with cooking, hitting up more restaurants, going to football/basketball games, getting alumni membership in Alpha Kappa Psi, reading books again…  I’m putting off everything requiring money or a steady time commitment.  After all, I don’t want to start something just to have to change when I do start working full-time.

Human hamsters

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
15 September 2009
2
photo credit: allellipticals.com

photo credit: allellipticals.com

College students love to work out.  Go to the campus recreation center and you’ll find students engaging in a variety of activities.  Some of the most popular are running on the treadmill and “cycling” on the ellipticals (or whatever you call that motion).  All that energy exertion is great for those looking to burn calories and build endurance and slim down, but it’s lost in the power used to operate the machine.  So it’s not surprising that the students of Cal State San Bernadino are now a part of a new concept: using that energy to power a building.  After all, if they can make hamsters run around in wheels to generate electricity, why can’t humans pump ellipticals to do the same?

When I first heard of this idea, I remembered actually thinking a similar thought before.  I don’t know about the resources needed to set up the infrastructure so that the energy used is directed to a power grid, but if it’s not too much, this is certainly an interesting way of getting your electricity!  For the CSUSB students’ fitness center, equipment cost $15,000.  Not too bad.  There’s a one-to-one ratio of how many minutes a typical workout can power a laptop for – imagine that: you use your laptop for five hours a day and you have to work out for five hours to power it.  That would certainly teach you to conserve energy.  The same time will power a flourescent bulb for three times as long.  It really is hard work to create electricity, but the students at the CSUSB fitness center manage to provide that building’s power.

photo credit: thaisilvestre on flickr

photo credit: thaisilvestre on flickr

This reminds me of a product I saw once, which was only a concept at the time.  You know those Chinese stress balls (baoding balls)?  They’re two stone or metal balls that you roll around in the palm of your hands.  It works muscles in your hand that don’t get used much and improve dexterity and flexibility of your fingers.  Well, one guy decided to fit batteries inside them, then using the kinetic energy created by moving them around, charge the batteries.  Not a bad idea, if it’s effective.  Then going for a bike ride could mean more than just exercise, but could potentially power the very light on it that blinks in the night.  Hula hooping would be more than child’s play or a test of skill and could charge batteries for your camera or alarm clock.  When you start to see the world in those terms, every form of kinetic energy becomes a potential way to convert it to stored energy.

The question is, is it effective?  Would making a bicycle that can power its own lights, and perhaps some batteries, be worth the extra cost in design and manufacturing?  I hope it is.  It’d be a great way to encourage a fattening population to stay active.  Something as simple as having one of those ab roller machine-type things that powers batteries can keep people moving by putting their feet on the handlebars and rolling it back and forth.  Talk about a lazy man’s workout.

Lack of motivation

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , ,
04 August 2009
0
My trusty scale.

My trusty scale.

I’ve been back for just about five days now and not worked out once.  Instead, I’ve gone to all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ, stuffed myself with a huge plateful of dumplings, scarfed down a gigantic serving of kimchi fried rice, and fed myself otherwise unhealthy amounts of food.  I’m still happily one jeans size smaller and ten pounds lighter then when I left for Singapore, but who knows how long that will last.  When I first discovered this weight loss, I couldn’t believe it.  I was at the doctor’s and using a kg scale and the conversion just didn’t seem right.  But since I’ve come back I’ve tried a handful of different scales and even tried on pants one size smaller to confirm.  Time and time again, I’ve been amazed that I weigh what I haven’t since my high school days.  Of course it’s not just about weight, but I do feel more sprightly now (though that may just be psychological, who knows).  Nonetheless, it feels good and I’m still a healthy weight.  So, to keep it that way, I’ve really got to buckle down and get myself to work out during the day at some point, but it’s just too easy to fall back into my lazy routine.

Oh yes, a most familiar scene.

Oh yes, a most familiar scene.

Let me describe to you my life after college and before my stint in Singapore.  I’d wake up ridiculously late, anywhere from 2 or 3 in the afternoon to even 6 PM at times.  I’d casually drag myself out of bed in the heat and either go downstairs to pig out for a bit or go online and sit on the bed, typing away.  At some point I’d hop in the shower to wash away the grossness from lounging around all day.  I’d eat dinner around 8 PM and occasionally go for a nighttime stroll with my mother afterwards, as I promised my dad I would when he went back to China and couldn’t accompany her anymore.  We’d walk for about an hour in the brisk night, then I’d get back and hop straight back into bed, prop myself up, and go online for the remainder of the night.  I even set up a little snack station next to my bed, so a variety of food and drinks would be available within arms reach.  I’d stay up all night on my laptop and fall asleep sometime between 6-9 AM, when the world lit up again and everyone else around me was just starting their day.

It’s no wonder I didn’t lose any of the weight I’d gained in college, despite eating less overall.  Instead, my belly grew out a little and my thighs thickened, though of course I never noticed a thing, with such gradual changes.  I don’t want that to happen to me again, so I’m trying to spend less time working on the bed and go downstairs to the dining room table to go online.  I’ve also been keeping busy meeting up with people and hanging out in the places that I love.  Unfortunately, much of that involves food, and plenty of it!  It’s ok though, I just need to get off my butt and get my heart rate up to keep off any buildup.  Maybe I’ll dust off that bike in the garage, or maybe I’ll bring out my beloved longboard.  I do plan on learning how to surf once Ninja gets back from being Indiana Jones, so that should help with toning!

But for now, I have little motivation and all the reason to lounge around in bed all day.  I’ve really got to start looking for a job though.

Simple pleasures

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
04 July 2009
0

DSC05171It was a lovely day today and I had an equally lovely time going on an outing with Skim for the afternoon.  We met up at Bugis MRT and got on a bus that took us out to East Coast Park, where we were able to rent two bikes and take a nice ride.  A mere two minutes into our journey we nearly crashed into each other, as I tried to unsteadily pass my camera to her.  I never knew my right hand was so weak at maneuvering!  The opposite was for her, as she had trouble with her left hand, so there we were, a complete screaming disaster as we saved ourselves from near destruction.  I then switched to be on the left side and we managed to make the pass so she could take some pictures for me.  Why we couldn’t just stop our bikes like normal people I don’t know.  It’s far less exciting that way!

Doesn't that look like fun?

Doesn't that look like fun?

We went along the path and enjoyed cooling breezes from the ocean, quiet stretches in woodsy areas, and navigating around the sudden influx of people that would come upon us.  It was a lot of fun to be out in the sun and going through natural areas as we chatted about a variety of things, like our thoughts on careers and the type of work we do.  Along the way we stopped to watch some wakeboarders, parasailers, and windsailers having fun out on the water.  I don’t know if I’m fit enough to do that kind of thing, but I’d sure like to try someday!  First I want to learn how to surf though, which hopefully will be good for my sense of balance.  I’m really interested in water sports in general, so I hope I get around to trying all of them at some point.

DSC05184The one thing that wasn’t so enjoyable about the ride was when our butts started to get sore about two hours in.  I kept shifting around in an attempt to put weight on different areas, but once we stopped for a quick snack, we both felt the soreness creeping us.  At first walking was a little strange and I wondered if this is how it feels to get off a horse after a long journey.  I’ve only ever been on horses for brief times, about an hour or so, so I never got the bow legs that others have.  We were right by the ocean at that point, so we went down to the water so I could at least say I touched the ocean water here.  It’s a lesson from my trip to Australia that I’ve never forgotten – going in the water is something so simple, yet it’s something I didn’t do in the Gold Coast, so I’ll never repeat that mistake again.

This time, I took some jumping shots and it looked so fun that Skim decided she’d get her feet wet for the sake of that.  Normally she wouldn’t want to touch that water because there’s a fair share of trash in it, but jumping over water is pretty awesome, so she just had to give it a try too.  What a fun day!  🙂

Fatigued

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , ,
18 June 2009
0

Well, the library trip got canceled and I was instructed to stay at home, so I spent my Thursday mostly lying in bed but for the time I was downstairs eating some lunch.  Between Bubble Bang and Bejeweled, I passed away the time in a bit of a stupor.  I felt clammy and weak and pretty much just bummed around to try to recover.  I have been given Vitamin C pills to be taken twice daily and a bottle of cough syrup to be ingested thrice daily.  I am warned that the syrup may cause drowsiness – I wonder if that’s why I feel so lethargic.

Lying around all day certainly wasn’t good for my weak blood flow, so when I stood up at night to go eat a little dinner, I found myself getting lightheaded.  The world turned black as the blood rushed from my head and I got dizzy, but I was used to this feeling so I just stood very still waiting for it to pass.  Unfortunately, it seemed I was far more feeble then I anticipated, so the next thing I knew an image of the TED video I had just watched flashed before my mind and I was jolted back to consciousness with the loud clanging of my medicine bottles and iPod clattering to the ground.  My knees had given from under me and I was in a strange sort of kneeling/sitting position.

I quickly gathered up the things I had dropped and heard Chatty and Typea’s brother (I’ll call him Circle) asking each other if that noise came from them.  I made my way to the hall to apologize for the startle and then proceeded downstairs to eat something.  There’s an area on the back on my head that feels odd, kind of like there’s a pressure or weight on it.  My mind feels cloudy and though I can do everything without much fuss, I feel easily drained.  Nevertheless, my throat is not sore anymore (however I did get a few strange croaks when I was talking) and I have not had a fever, runny nose, or deep coughing.

I’d really like a jar of pickles.  I think I’ll buy some tonight on my way back.  (Yeah, I know, strange craving that may or may not have to do with how I feel… but hey, to me it’s comfort food, so that’s good enough!)

Sick

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
17 June 2009
3

I got sick today for whatever reason, so I’m too lazy to write too much.  I’m supposed to be out all day tomorrow, so I can’t throw in a last-minute post, which is why I decided I may as well just type a little something here.

It started in the morning when I woke up with a sore throat.  I think having the AC blaring over me all night had to do with that.  Not unusual though, since who doesn’t wake up with a scratchy voice?  Plus, I’ve been waking up with a slight sniffle from the chill.  I thought I had set the timer to stop sometime in the night, but apparently it didn’t work.  At work the AC blows over my head and kind of chills my head and shoulders, so I had to huddle in my hoodie.  Normally that’s enough, but I was still unusually cold.

We went out for lunch and I welcomed the heat outdoors and the chance to get my blood flowing.  I even ordered some fish soup in hopes of preventing any sickness, but back in the office I was distracted and unfocused as I tried to go on with my day.  Eventually, I went over to the couch area to lay down and work, but of course fell asleep rather quickly.  At some point I woke up when Mizu came to put my laptop in a safer place, but soon fell back into a daze.  I woke up sniffling again, but feeling much less feverish than before.

Sad.

Sad.

I opted to work at the big desk out front where it’s warmer, but before long, Mizu was trying to get some medicine for me and Starfish was chasing us off to the doctor’s.  I’m quite used to waiting out a fever and sweating it off, but with the whole swine flu craze, I didn’t want to refuse a check-up to ease everyone’s minds.  So off we went, with Mizu escorting me along to meet up with Typea so he could show us to a clinic.  I found that rather than resting my voice, I was straining it to speak audibly, often overdoing it.  Every time I stopped talking I felt my swollen throat sore from the exertion.

While we waited for the doc to get back from dinner, the three of us weighed ourselves and I was shocked to find that I am only 132 lbs.  Maybe that shouldn’t be so shocking, but as of late my weight had been more around the 140-145 mark, depending on how much I had just eaten.  Still, my driver’s license says I weigh 137, which was a round down from what I weighed back when I was 18.  Is it just this sickness or is Singapore good for my weight?  I guess I have noticed a little difference, but I didn’t think it’d be notable.  So, my check-up was nothing exciting, with no fever, no redness in my throat, or any other suspicious symptoms.  The doctor prescribed me some Vitamin C pills (she was shocked I don’t take them) and cough syrup and sent us on our way.

We all got some dinner together and Mizu and Typea complained about my whining and teased me about my weight (I shouldn’t eat because I’m too fat).  I didn’t care because I really don’t care much about my weight as long as it doesn’t tip me into the obese category.  They were jokingly calling me obese, but once I knew the kg to lb conversion, it was all good.  I can’t remember the last time I weighed this much.  Still, I’d much rather weigh more and have better toned muscles.  They’re still hiding behind a layer of fat these days.  Swimmer’s curse?

Now I’m back and lounging on the bed.  I spent some time downstairs watching Don’t Forget the Lyrics for the first time, then trudged my way upstairs and showered all my gross sweatiness away.  I have been instructed to not use the AC and Typea has set up the fan for me.  Apparently Starfish ordered I go to bed half an hour ago, but hey, 11 is still early.  That’s like three hours I’m losing out on here.  I think a long night’s sleep will be enough to cure me.  I hope so!  My childhood bookworm is eager to get to play in a library again, scouring books and articles and enjoying the quiet atmosphere.

Fire in the soul

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
31 May 2009
0

Perhaps it is time for some soul searching of sorts (in terms of career potential).

Demoing health food forever?

Demoing health food forever?

A few weeks ago, Starfish requested a list of my passions to help me figure out what I want to do and where I can go.  It was surprisingly harder than I thought – after all, who doesn’t know what they love, right?  Yet, it seems that my trouble is what I truly love not always being a viable source of work to pursue.  First let me share what I came up with:

~ emerging forms of media (especially social media at the moment)

~ people’s stories (whether hearing them or sharing them)

~ observing people (their behavior, interactions, and body language)

~ novel things, places, and experiences (travel, broad interactions)

~ health issues (diet and exercise/fitness, organic/all-natural foods)

~ environmentalism (conservation, recycling, and sustainability)

My darling Simon.

My darling Simon. How can you not find him adorable?

~ volunteering with animals (mostly cats)

~ background/support work (researching, planning)

~ the military (particularly the Marine Corps!)

Ok, so where does that put me?

1. I’ve hardly used social media enough to claim expertise as so many do.  However, I am very dedicated to my blog and have made it a point to post on a daily basis.  Still, at best, this would be a supplementary service for some sort of package integrated marketing consultation service.

2. Though I like to hear people’s stories, I’m certainly not interested in journalism nor do I feel like the right vessel to help share those stories.  I’m also not that great a storyteller.  I have had dreams about talking to homeless people to find out how they got into their situation and then helping to groom them to reintegrate to society.

3. Noticing the little nuances in how people go about their days doesn’t exactly translate into a career and is more of an enhancement to how I learn to deal with people.  Maybe I’ll start a little side blog with snippets of the things I observe.

One of my favorite views - out a plane window.

One of my favorite views - out a plane window.

4. Being introduced to new people, new places, and new things would be a cool temporary thing to do or a nice addition to my job, but isn’t exactly a career in itself if I want to settle down.  This is where my dream of competing in The Amazing Race comes into play.

5. I’m not enough of a fitness or health food nut to delve into this so deeply.  At best I could be an advocate for eating less meat to save the environment, eating organic and local to save your community, and exercising regularly and eating well to save yourself.

6. I’ve been doing a lot of research and reading in the green field, since it is what I want to build a company from sometime in my life.  Starfish made a very wise suggestion in mentioning I can start to attend conferences of the sort, get involved in the field.  I’ll certainly be looking into that (hopefully there are free ones).  I’ve been meaning to go to the UCLA Institute of the Environment to see if there’s anything I can get involved in.

My precious Jerriey.

My precious Jerriey. Great for stress relief.

7. I actually started looking at cat sitting services and boarding houses to see the rates they charge at.  I’m not sure how I would handle spending time with all these adorable felines and not getting to keep them.  I think I’m more of a cat owner at heart, though I do like to go play with and take care of them at shelters.

8. Researching and other support work is yet another one of those things that I prefer to use to enhance my work rather than to define my work.

Yeah, I wanted to be one of them. The first Marines I ever encountered.

Yeah, I wanted to be one of them. The first Marines I ever encountered.

9. Once upon a time I had fantasies about being a Marine.  Then lots of things got in the way and I decided that I was not meant for that path.  However, my love/obsession/fascination for the military will always be strong, so I’d love to find a way to work with them.  At one point I considered trying to do their marketing.  That’s still an option…

What really invigorates me?  Sitting at my computer reading articles about green technology, environmentally-friendly

One of the half dozen military boot camps I want to. That's me holding the red guide-on!

One of the half dozen military boot camps I went to. They're strangely invigorating for body and mind. That's me holding the red guide-on!

products, and fresh wholesome natural food.  Spending time with and observing animals.  Traveling around the world and getting a peek at the lives of others so different from mine.  Hearing about the interesting backstories of people’s lives.  Spending time alone pondering and introspecting; also, watching people pass me by.  Contemplating (and trying to go out and do) fun ways to be fit and well.  Hearing about anything related to the military.

What I’m really looking for is freedom.  Freedom to sleep in and stay up ridiculously late.  Freedom to get work done in different places on different days.  Freedom to meet new people and learn new things all the time.  Freedom to step away from society.  Freedom to be on my own.  Freedom to think.

At the same time, I want financial security.  Enough to live comfortably, to support a family, and to send the kids off to college without loans looming over them.  Basically, what I had the privilege of growing up with.  There are few gifts like responsible and successful parents who allow you to start your working life loan-free.  I’d like to be able to provide that as well.  In terms of long-term career goals, my main focus is sustainability in all aspects – mentally, emotionally, financially, physically.

So… any ideas?

Swimmer’s high

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
02 May 2009
0

I finally made it to the pool again after months of inactivity.  Though it felt awkward to try to work out in a bikini (pity I didn’t bring my competition gear with me), I managed to still get some decent exercise in.  I’m so used to the comfort of a one-piece suit, cap, and goggles that I didn’t exactly know what to do with myself without.  I figured I could just tread water and do some endurance exercises that way, so I started off just doing a casual freestyle kick, keeping my chin just above the water.  After awhile, that got boring, so I curled up my knees and tread with just my hands.  From there, I did variations of strokes, from a breaststroke with my head above the water to doing some freestyle kick drills on my sides.  Every time I get in the water I’m tempted to do the butterfly, which is my favorite stroke, but alas, in a suit like mine today, I was in great danger of losing my top half that way.  So instead, I satisfied myself with some simple exercises that may not raise my heart rate a great deal, but certainly required a certain amount of strength and endurance.

By the time I got out, I felt great.  My face was flushed and my heart rate had increased.  That’s one of my favorite parts of working out – getting to that flushed stage where you know you’ve pushed your body beyond its normal resting state.  I felt so at peace that I began to wonder if there’s such a thing as a swimmer’s high.  It seems pretty commonly recognized that there’s a runner’s high, but does the same go for swimming?  I have not been able to find anything online to back me up, but there’s a certain feeling that I get when I’m doing the fly and everything is in sync.  You get into a rhythm and inertia kicks in.  It’s almost harder to stop that flow of action than to continue on with it.  Unfortunately, the pool can only be so long and that stroke tends to be very taxing on the body, so at some point gravity’s influence becomes more apparent and it slows things down.  But for those couple of beautiful seconds, everything just feels so right.

If there was such a thing as a swimmer’s high, it could only really be achieved in freestyle (at least that’s how I feel).  Fly is too demanding, breast is too technical, and backstroke is too disruptive.  I’m not saying it’s not possible, but from what I understand, it should last quite a long time and for any of the other strokes, it’d be more difficult to accomplish.  To start off with, people tend to swim proper strokes in a pool, which of course requires flip-turns every couple of seconds.  That in itself, though integrated into the process, can be disruptive.  Runners can get themselves to move to a beat and maintain that for virtually as long as they want.  Swimmers must pause their rhythm to add in the occasional glide, flip, push-off, kick-off, and resurfacing.  In open water swimming, this phenomenon might be easier.  At least for freestyle, the stroke motion going into a flip-turn is similar to what you are already doing.  Maybe it’s just the way I swim, but I think it’d be easiest to get into a groove with freestyle.

I miss the lull of the water, the smell of the chlorine, and the whole atmosphere surrounding training and competition.  From wearing swim parkas and Uggs around the pool to helping be the counter for those swimming the 500 free, I really enjoyed being on swim teams.  I liked how it felt to have the water rushing by me and bubbles flowing around.  I loved playing with Sammies (those super absorbant towels) and the beauty of a perfectly executed backstroke start.  I enjoyed practicing my dives and finishes, especially when there was a touchpad present!  I liked how professional I felt when I wore a drag suit for added resistance in training.  I even had a blast at the swim camps at Mt. Holyoke, where we did dryland circuits until I could barely move, then hopped in the water for more working out.  It was a lifestyle that I will always miss, just like my track and field days and my military training days.

ussc

Back when I was a sophomore in high school, I got invited to go to Australia with other swimmers from around the country, to compete against some of the swimmers down under.  This was with the International Sports Specialists, Inc. who run Down Under Sports.  It was an awesome time, from the places that we went (Sydney, Gold Coast, and then Waikiki Beach in Hawaii) and the people we met (these guys who were there playing soccer took us around).  I don’t remember much of the meet, except that Aussies are freaking fast and we couldn’t beat them, but we had a great time and it was a great bonding experience.  I used to have a t-shirt with all the people from the New York team on it, but I lost it long ago.  I also managed to misplace the sweatshirt I bought from them, as well as the Bond University one that we girls decided to get when we went there for a visit.  It’s a pity – those were great memories of an unparalleled two weeks.

down under sports, international sports specialists

I have always had a pleasant experience with the water, from my childhood splashing around in pools to middle school when I first learned the four strokes to high school where I helped start the swim team at Brewster High School and finally when I competed on the varsity team at Valencia High School.  Though I got a late start, learning stroke techniques when I was thirteen, I wasn’t too far behind and always managed to be good enough for varsity level, even if I wasn’t a star in that realm.  Nowadays, without a team to practice with and keep me motivated, it’s hard to complete a workout like I used to.  Once I settle down somewhere, I’d like to make sure I visit the pool frequently, even if I don’t do a real workout.  Perhaps one day I can join a club or something, just to get back into it.  For now it will just be my therapeutic experience; something I can always count on to make me feel better.

Sheer exhaustion

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , ,
29 April 2009
0

This is the first time that I did not post my entry prior to going to bed, since I began posting every day.  I like to get it out of the way earlier in the wee hours of the day so when I get busy/distracted later on, I won’t have to worry and I would still have the entire rest of the day to do it.  However, yesterday when I got back last night, a wave of exhaustion just took over me and I curled up on the bed with my body pillow.  It was so warm and cozy and Panda was taking a nap on his end, so I just drifted off.  The next thing I knew, I was waking up to find my computer turned off.  Disoriented, I deliriously turned my computer back on to find Panda again, but fell asleep again soon after.  I can’t recall if I ever did sign back on again or what happened from there, but I didn’t wake up again until the morning, as a storm was rolling in.

I’m not sure why I was so tired – perhaps it’s a combination of lack of sleep, long days, and not enough nutrition.  I don’t feel like I have been overworked or underfed though, so I really don’t know.  In fact, there are times where I am doing background reading and research that feels like my typical internet activity.  It has made me want to get more into social media or business psychology consulting, since I love to read article upon article about those topics.  So that’s all well and good, but I guess sometimes everything in your life just catches up with you and your body shuts down.  I think all the things that were bearing down on me just caught up with me.  I’ve been getting a lot of intense piercing pains and headaches this past month; I’ve never suffered through this kind of cranial pain before.  It’s not quite a migraine – the symptoms for that are far more intense – but it’s definitely not a pleasant experience.  I don’t know why I get them or what I can do about them (I’m not one to take painkillers unless I’m desperate, which happens like once every few months).

Emotionally I have been rather drained as of late.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to recover from being away from Panda.  I don’t miss him any less now than I did before.  I spend a lot of time wanting to go back just to see him, but at the same time I really value my time and experience here.  Still, it’s hard to get up and go out on the weekends when I can stay online and talk to him.  I don’t know why it’s so hard for me.  It also hasn’t been easy to find my own way here.  I’ve been trying to do more things on my own, which is good, but I’m doing it all alone.  There isn’t really anyone for me to hang out with or spend time with.  Not that I dislike anyone here, but I’m used to a lot of different social groups, all with different interests and preferences for activities.

And of course, there’s always the feeling that I don’t have a home to go to and crash at.  There is no space here that is exclusively mine, which is something I’m not used to.  It’s the exact opposite of how I grew up – with rooms to myself for most of the day and often the whole house to myself as my parents traveled around.  Even in college, when I shared my room with another girl, half of that room was mine.  I could do whatever I wanted and often had time alone in the room.  Plus, I could always go home home on the weekends.  So maybe it’s just caged bird syndrome that’s got me down.  It seems that I need to stop viewing myself so much as an outsider and guest here.  It’s hard to break away from that though, since most people I speak to outside of the office don’t seem to be able to understand me.  I feel so out of place when I’m not in the office or just alone and it’s a bit disheartening.

Marylin and I talked recently about how I don’t really interact with her parents, which is mostly why I still feel like a guest here.  I’m used to holing up in my room all day, doing my own things, so it doesn’t even occur to me to go out to the living room to talk to them, or something along those lines.  I’ve tried to greet them here and there, but I tend to be quiet when I do that and it gets lost in Marylin’s own greeting and consequent chatting with them.  So, I just keep walking and go to the room to give them time together.  After all, they hardly get to see each other, much less talk and hang out.  But it seems that my policy of "stay out of their way" is just alienating me and making them… not quite uncomfortable, but you get the idea.  It doesn’t help that I am hugely awkward with parents (or anyone I view in an authoritative position).  It took me a good 10-12 years to get myself to even be able to look them in the eye.

So, I need to work on putting myself out there more, even if it terrifies me.  I just don’t like to stand there awkwardly and not know what to do or say.  Before I left, my mom told me to offer to help with household chores, but that is taken care of the maid, so the most I do is clear the table after eating.  Starfish advised that I just ask them how their days were and I don’t know if I’m just not seeing opportunities to, but I feel like I haven’t really had a chance to say anything to them.  Either they’re watching TV or they’re not around.  Marylin’s mom will pop in on the weekends to offer me food, but by the time I go out to eat it, she’s retreated to her room or is out already.  There was one time she left it on the bed for me, so I just ate it in the room.  I usually don’t even see her dad around, but for when he’s watching a game or tournament.

And maybe it’s just me, but if I’m watching something, I don’t want to be disturbed.  On the weekends when Marylin’s going through her CSI Supreme Sunday fix, she tends to switch channels during commercials, which is something I never do.  If I’m watching something, I’m focused on it and I don’t want to miss out on any of it.  If it’s streaming live and I can’t pause it, I don’t do anything to disrupt that.  When it comes down to it, I just don’t know how to handle those situations.  When is it appropriate to say something?  What should I say?  How do I know if they’re talking just because they don’t want to be rude or if they actually don’t mind?  Sigh, I hate being awkward with older generations.  I’m not a "bring her home" type of friend.  I can’t even call them by their first names – the first time I called someone other than my peer by their first name was when I was 19.  Why am I so stiff?

Maybe this chronic exhaustion is due to too much processing for my brain.  From the work I’m doing and all that I’m learning to the struggles I’m undergoing, it’s a lot to handle.  I worry a lot because I think and analyze a lot.  I don’t like to share any of my stress though, so I’m hard-pressed to find an outlet.  I don’t like to complain and I don’t like to ask for help.  Meanwhile, Marylin will let out a sigh or talk about her frustrations with some of the work she’s trying to deal with.  Since I’m not used to expressions like that, it stresses me out to hear and see that too, especially when she taps her fingers impatiently.  For some reason, just hearing that speeds up my heart rate and makes me more anxious.  I tend to notice small details like that, which then makes things that aren’t a big deal out to be much bigger than usual.  I am a people-pleaser, but it seems that my approach in keeping to myself is not pleasing at all.  Then there are all the things I miss and want to do when I get back, but I’m trying to make myself focus on being here now and doing new exciting things.  It’s hard to be here and focused when my heart is not with me.  Whoever knew I could be such a homebody?

Gosh, I’ve got a lot to work on.

Exercising consistently

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
26 April 2009
0

I’ve been feeling a huge lack of fresh fruit and vegetables in my life recently, which exaggerates my continued languor.  I don’t know if it’s because of my diet that I feel so tired or if because I feel so listless that I’m not bothering to eat well.  I guess both things kind of perpetuate each other, leaving me drained and nutrient-deprived.  Ok, it’s not that bad, but I do feel like my energy level has not been up to par with my old self.  Fruits and salads were so much more accessible back in the dining halls!  I know people tend to eat terribly when it’s a buffet, but I really did enjoy having a salad bar and baskets of fruits laying around.

I’ve been trying to convince myself to get back into the good old days, when a workout was routine and expected, but it’s hard when I don’t even have sneakers.  I also have this “need” to only work out when I can shower afterward, but I tend to feel like working out when I’m showering.  I hate to take too many showers in a day (why waste the water?), so I need to time it just right.  Perhaps this is why I prefer to do static exercises that don’t produce as much sweat as cardio would.  I’ve been telling myself to set aside half an hour each afternoon/evening to do some simple strength exercises, but somehow the time always flies by and next thing I know, it’s time for dinner.

I found a series of short videos online through the UCLA Rec Center, which leads me through some quick and simple “at your desk” exercises that can counteract the effects of sitting too long (something I am very much guilty of).  I did them once and it felt good, but I wasn’t able to remember to keep doing it.  Am I going to need to set an alarm to remind myself?  After all, it’s only 15 minutes – plenty short to fit into my schedule!  I always fare so much better when I have a set regimen, coach, and team to work out with.  This whole self-motivation thing is hard to do when you keep convincing yourself that your personal well-being can be pushed aside for higher priority things.  But, as many of the contestants in The Biggest Loser said, much of the reason they got so overweight was because they neglected to take care of themselves.

I have spent time reading books and articles for personal enrichment.  I play games here and there to destress and work my critical thinking and motor skills.  Yet, I do nothing for my physical health, in terms of strength, endurance, overall fitness.  So I think it’s time to get back into that mindset that everyone starts the year with and revamp my life.  I need to tone my core, I want to work on my triceps, and I should slim down ever so slightly.  Starfish brought in a machine that measures your BMI and fat percentage, which we all tried one night.  My BMI has always been within the normal range, nothing exciting, but my fat percentage is a tad on the high end.  That doesn’t come as too much of a surprise – I have very thick thighs that have quite a layer of fat on them and my belly’s got its fair share as well.

I really wish I could swim to work out, but I didn’t bring my cap, googles, or competitve suits.  Can you imagine me doing the fly in a bikini?  Especially one that has this strange flap that hangs down halfway to my bellybutton.  Let’s not even talk about how silly that would look or how easily a “wardrobe malfunction” could occur.  I was thinking that if the pool is deep enough, I could try just doing some exercises treading water.  Now I’ve just got to convince myself it’s worth it to look like a fool in a family style pool and get to it.

I want to try to do that on the weekends (or any nights that I manage to get back around dinnertime).  Days that I don’t get to do that I should be doing some basic dryland exercises.  There’s so much you can do with just your body and gravity, as I was telling Lorry the other day, when he was asking me about how to burn away belly flab.  I still remember a lot from my years of training, but it’s no use if I don’t do it.  Pretty soon, I’ll start to forget everything I once knew, except that I once knew it.  Sometimes I get really nostalgic for those days when I used to compete and train with a goal in mind.  Always a better run, a longer jump, a faster swim, or more endurance.

I must motivate myself to work out again.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
First Prev 23456