Posts Tagged ‘life’

Three decades

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , ,
30 December 2015
0

1985 – The year I was born. My dad had left China to go to grad school at Penn State. Not much else happened since it was quickly a new year!

1986 – The year my mom left to join my dad at Penn State.

1987 – The year I was raised by my grandparents and extended family. Of course I have little recollection of this, except for a vague memory of my grandma chasing me around the sandbox trying to feed me rice.

1988 – The year my future husband was born! Little did I know that there was this boy on the other side of the world.

1989 – The year I immigrated to reunite with my parents, who were basically strangers to me at that point.

1990 – The year I was studied by education grad students at Penn State as part of my child care. My mom even clipped an article about the research with a picture of me in it. I remember they had really awesome ice cream for a special event each year and I thought the minerals display was magical because the stones all seemed to glow in the dark.

1991 – The year we moved to Kansas and I started kindergarten. I learned that I was really good at memorizing the Peter Rabbit play. I believe this was also the year that my mom made me an awesome lion mane from yarn, so I could be a lion in a play.

1992 – The year we moved from a townhouse to a house house and I changed schools. This was just the beginning of being the new kid at many places!

1993 – The year I made my first best friend, who was a year younger than me. I loved going to her house to do something crafty like those baked art things. I believe this was also the year my dad got in a really bad car accident and I drew him a picture of us and our pet snapping turtle, which he had caught fishing at the lake.

1994 – The year my parents sent me back to China to stay with my other grandma for a year. I went to class with my cousin, who’s a year older than me, and was basically lost in most topics except for English (where I was far too advanced). I ended up never going to third grade in either China or the US. My language skills improved immensely according to my parents, though I feel I’ve always been pretty good! 😛

1995 – The year I returned to Kansas and went on to fourth grade as if I never left the school district. I had a special tutor who taught me cursive because that was really the one thing I missed in third grade. So I’m really good with cursive (if you can tell the difference between the Q and Z then you probably are too), yet who even uses it? I journaled in cursive for awhile just to keep practicing. Speaking of, this is the year I started my daily journal because I reeeeally wanted a diary that was being sold at the Scholastic Book Fair and my dad made me promise to write in it every day. Little did he know I’d keep doing that for 13 years, even when he and my mom would figuratively roll their eyes and question why I spent so much time doing it.

1996 – The year we moved to Missouri because my dad decided to leave his local government job and move to the private sector. I was doing well in school, so I was chosen to be a traffic monitor for the kindergarteners and I got to miss part of class each day to walk the kids to the buses. I think I still have the silver badge and orange belt I wore. I played a Native American in a school play about Lewis & Clark. Around this time I got my first cat Tom/Mimi in Kansas and then Jerriey in Missouri.

1997 – The year I had a pseudo boyfriend over the summer (this guy I had a major crush on who I told on the bus the last day of school – was started calling each other and I walked to his house to take walks with him and his bouncy ball). I started middle school that fall (and maybe this is TMI but I got my period after two years wondering when this whole puberty thing would hit). I think this is when we found a Chinese school for me to start attending on the weekends. Or maybe it was the following year?

1998 – The year I moved during winter break and the only time my education was split in the winter rather than the summer. My first half of seventh grade was in Missouri and my second half was in New York. This led to some incongruency in the classes I was taking and what I learned. At this point, I had chosen French for my foreign language after testing out Japanese, Spanish, and I think German. My school in Missouri had us learn all four language options in 6th grade so we could better choose one to continue with in 7th.

1999 – The year I settled in New York, found friends with a group of girls, and decided to join track & field. This was the stage when I decided that of my three career options, I most liked businesswoman. The other two options were doctor or engineer. I don’t know if my parents said this to me or I inferred that they’d want one of those. Well, this is when my dream to get an MBA was born! We got Jerriey a friend, my third cat Simon.

2000 – The year we all thought Y2K would shut down the world, so my parents and I went to Times Square for NYE to watch what would happen… and of course nothing did. Alas, it was still historic! I started high school and joined the founding swim team as well as NJROTC.

2001 – The year I took 11 classes – one on Monday nights, two alternated days, and the other either were during the remaining 8 class periods in the day. I did not have a lunch period (is that still legal?) so I’d grab something right before ROTC class. Usually a sandwich or Gatorade and Rice Krispies. Yeah, I’ve always had a penchant for junk food. One Tuesday morning, I was in math when the principal came in and said something to our teacher. I remember she was young and a strawberry blonde type. The shock on her face as she told us about the Twin Towers did not help me grasp the situation. I think she cried. We were all so stunned and in the next class, we just huddled and watched the TV looping awful footage. One of my classmates found out his aunt had died and many others weren’t sure of their impact. One of the planes must have flown right over our area just an hour earlier. I was grateful my mom was home and my dad was on business. We waited as the buses came to take us all home and then we sat glued to the TV, watching the same horrific scenes. I later learned that my mom felt she got lucky because she had nearly taken a job in one of the towers. Meanwhile, my dad had heard the plane flying way too low over his hotel on its way to the Pentagon. Closer calls than I ever expected, but thankfully still plenty out of the way for us all.

2002 – The year my parents and I moved from New York to California and I felt miserable. I did not like this new state at all and I was forced to choose between track and swimming. Swimming won out because my dad’s coworker had a daughter on the team. I also had to switch to AFJROTC because there was no Navy unit in the area. Luckily, I got to keep all my ribbons so I ended up having more than anyone else!

2003 – The year I learned that I was deterred by guys who showed interest in me. When my crush asked me to winter formal, I balked and never liked him again. I felt awful, but we reconciled and now he’s married to one of my best friend’s sister. I also had a foray into Christianity, but it turns out my “faith” was a feeling I couldn’t figure out and it was actually my feelings for said crush. Simon got lost while out playing and we never saw him again. 🙁

2004 – The year I graduated high school and started college at UCLA! I had the longest summer since we were the last school to start and I ended up joining Facebook to get a head start on making friends.

2005 – The year I interned on a movie, Wristcutters. I mean, it’s LA. I did enjoy it, but didn’t feel the need to make a career of it.

2006 – The year I pledged AKPsi and then interned at Smith Barney for the summer before moving to the UK to study abroad.

2007 – The year I absolutely loved being abroad, making international friends and living such a different lifestyle. I returned after a year and attended Monster DLP before interning at UCLA Live! and working as a product demonstrator (more about those jobs if you like).

2008 – The year I met Panda, became an Orientation Counselor, and graduated from UCLA. <3 Jerriey had been moved to Beijing with my parents and he died while we were on vacation in Cancun. </3

2009 – The year I moved to Singapore for a stint out there that was my first job out of college. When I returned in the fall, I interned for Opportunity Green and really got into sustainability.

2010 – The year I got my first “real” full-time, salaried job. I stayed with Panda in his apartment by UCLA most of the time and got to stay close to Bruin life.

2011 – The year I moved close to work and began to take yoga. Panda moved out to the greater DC area, though he was able to visit almost once a month. I got Missy and Molly!

2012 – The year I quit my job and decided to strike out on my own. I didn’t have much opportunity for growth at work, so they had kind of seen it coming. I was also struggling with not being able to see Panda as much anymore (he was traveling less) and I had long wanted to be an entrepreneur.

2013 – The year I transitioned from self-employment back to working at a company and officially moved out east. I learned that my entrepreneurial bug is something best satisfied with a co-founder. Solo work is so very lonely and not the type of environment I find invigorating. Panda got his Master’s degree and proposed to me on commencement day! We then found our dream condo and got the keys in December.

2014 – The year Panda and I got married with a simple ceremony at the courthouse with my parents, his parents, and his brother as witnesses. We’re not much for hoo ha. Early in the year, we moved into our first home and got Smokey from the shelter.

2015 – The year Panda and I had our 1-year anniversary “wedding” celebration with some extended family: my aunt and cousins and his uncle, aunt, and cousin. In January, I flew Missy from LA so she could live with us and Smokey would have a fur sister.

And that brings me to my 30th! This is the only time in my life when the dates match my age: on the 29th, I was 29 and on the 30th, I was 30. Fun, huh? Or am I just a numbers nerd? Whatever the case, I hear the 30’s are a time when you get into a rhythm of life and become more in tune with who you are. I certainly hope that I make good progress towards my goals and better understanding myself. I plan on making 2016 the year I went off to start my MBA. And there will be so much awesomeness to follow. 🙂

Finding myself

laelene Posted in mba，Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
13 December 2015
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As I apply to MBA programs, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. All this introspection makes me take time to really consider what it is that matters to me and what sort of person I want to become. It’s a great exercise that I feel like we should all do more often.

So as Stanford GSB asks, what matters to me and why? So many things come to mind: empowerment, collaboration, change, balance, diversity/uniqueness, fulfillment, compassion. Each of these because of how they enable us to improve our lives, to be better versions of ourselves. Ultimately, I think it boils down to empowerment. When people are empowered through education or resources or connections, they can take themselves to a better place bit by bit. And aren’t we all pursuing incremental improvements that will culminate into a life that we can look back on and be pleased with?

For years, I’ve yearned to find my calling. I’d watch shows, read articles, and hear interviews of successful people following their passion as if answering a calling. Many of them spoke about how they’ve always felt the deep desire to (fill in the blank). Meanwhile, I searched and searched for my calling. Was it animals? Nature? Photography? Travel? Blogging? Entrepreneurism? So many options seemed compelling, but no single one stood out to me above the others. I was trying so hard to get a little bit of everything I wanted.

Recently, in writing my essays for my MBA applications, I’ve finally figured it out. What is it that I can spend hours reading about, thinking about, talking about? Sure I love animals and I volunteer with insects, I take photos all the time and love getting that amazing shot, and I have been blogging for years… but I don’t engross myself in science articles or photo editing or blogging tips the way I do business articles and interviews.

When it comes to business – in particular, management principles, hiring practices, and above all – culture, I am obsessed. For me, culture drives everything. Culture determines the type of people you attract, the way they behave (and therefore the output they’ll create), the effectiveness of your brand, etc. etc. etc. I literally devour everything I find mentioning anything related to company culture, hiring, and training. I could sit (or stand, or walk) and talk about ideas around these concepts for days. I constantly have new thoughts that I add to my every-growing ideas document.

While I often get distracted by the many other things I am passionate for, I don’t spend nearly as much time and energy on any of those topics. This is how I know that the thing I would get up in the morning for above all else is the opportunity to cultivate an amazing and likely unconventional culture. To do that, I want my vehicle of change to be empowerment. By creating mechanisms through which people are empowered with the knowledge or resources or contacts they need, I can help them become better people. Better people thrive and feed into a culture that is supportive, collaborative, and empowering. And thus the cycle goes, building upon itself and sustaining itself even as it grows.

I’m still finding myself, but this time spent being self-reflective has given me a lot of insight into who I am and who I aspire to be. I’m starting to notice the patterns in my life that draw from an underlying current that I hadn’t observed before. All these seemingly disparate choices have come together to paint a clearer picture of what motivates me. I have gained confidence in what I should do with my life because I can now see the forces that have been there all along, creating the themes that define me. Now I just hope I can clearly articulate to the admissions committee!

cracked

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , ,
15 April 2015
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cover image for cracked poem by mary qin

I fell through the cracks

I lay all alone

And I quietly hoped they’d help me

As others stumbled, they were helped up

“Soon it will be my turn,” I thought

Soon it will be my turn.

But the seconds dragged to minutes

And nothing

So I timidly hollered.

They peered down at me

I waved

They turned their noses – quiet, you!

Back to the ones above board!

Help them, help them instead

 

I fell through the cracks and it broke me

 

 

Epilogue

Now I choose to sit in the shadows

A tainted spirit and soul.

One day I might explode

Break open the boards above

Let everyone fall down here too

 

Or if I’m feeling generous

I’ll swim off to the sea

There’s a wide world out there

As soon as I’m strong enough to swim

As soon as the tide comes in

By and by

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
02 September 2014
0

cover image for by and by poem by mary qin

By and by
A month went by
By and by
A year.
Then,

By and by
A decade had gone

And she found herself alone,
Stuck in a job she did not enjoy
Spending her nights with TV dinners —
Numb to the years marching on.

On and on and on
They marched.

On and on and on.

Til she could no longer grasp the joy of her youth;
The triumphs, the failures.
It was just her in an empty apartment,
Wishing she hadn’t let it all go.

How did her life just float on by?
By and by, it did.

Would you rather: career vs. family

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , ,
16 May 2014
0

I just watched the feature on Barbara Walters now that she’s retiring and something she said struck me – how people don’t look back and regret spending too much time at the office, but they do regret not spending enough time with their families. However, I don’t think it’s as simple as that. That’s coming from a career woman’s perspective, but what about the flip side? What about someone who spent their whole lives dedicated to their families? Do they have no regrets? My greatest fear of potentially deciding to stay at home and being a homemaker is that I’ll regret not living up to my potential in a career. So what’s worse – feeling like you wasted too much of your life working away and not being a good family member or feeling like you wasted too much of your time focusing on family and not contributing your skill sets to the labor force?

As it is, it’s tough enough staying home to take care of the family. But then people often think that the home life is just full of daytime strolls and shopping sprees and other fun things. They don’t seem to respect homemakers they way they probably would if they truly understood the challenges (not that I do, but I certainly have seen a glimpse of it and it’s not something I’m confident I can pull off). How would you feel if you worked your butt off for days on end only to have people think you’re lazy? Even worse than that for me is the thought of people thinking you’re somehow less intelligent because you’re not working on some career path. Just because you choose not to be employed doesn’t mean you’re unemployable and neither does it give any indication of your capabilities. Yet inevitably, it comes into question… Did you stay home because you’re not good enough? After all those years away from the workforce, are you somehow less intelligent or hardworking?

So I’ve got to say, at this stage, much as I want to not focus on work so much, I do because I’d rather look back and wish I had taken more time away than wish I had accomplished more in my life. I still grapple with the decision to stay in the workforce and how long I plan on being here. It feels wonderful to be good at a job, be productive, and contribute towards some greater goal. I don’t know if I’d feel as rewarded in terms of my self-esteem when it comes to family life. I can certainly see myself feeling great about raising good kids, helping Panda advance his own career with less stress because of my presence at home, and other less tangible results that have a less direct connection to my contributions. Ultimately, I think I’d want to settle on a part-time opportunity that would give me even greater flexibility in my schedule. For now, since home life is pretty simple without any kids, I’ll stay concentrated on my work.

Would you rather focus on your family if you could give up your job? Have you chosen that path? Or are you determined to pursue a long career?

Journey of happiness

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , ,
23 December 2013
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Would you rather be accomplished or happy?

I’m not saying these are mutually exclusive, but if you had to choose, which one is more important to you? I’ve found that in the quest for happiness, people often get caught up in accomplishments that don’t make them happy. Again and again you hear to do what you love – the success will follow. Yet, time after time, you see people putting job titles and salaries ahead of their personal fulfillment. Rather than choosing the roles that would bring them the most satisfaction, they choose the ones with higher prestige, larger paychecks. It’s quite the phenomenon.

girl at outdoor piano smiling with gleeful expression of joy

Some things bring me pure joy.

I’ve got to say, I don’t quite subscribe to this “follow your dreams” advice. I mean, the general concept makes sense, but when it comes to the nuances of real life, it’s a lot more complicated. It’s easy for people to take this idea and go wild, thinking that whatever they do they must love all of it. It’s too easy to say, “Oh I enjoy this but not that so maybe it’s not the right thing for me.” To me, it’s important to enjoy what you do more often than not, but you’ll never find a career that you love every aspect of. Maybe you’re loquacious and you get to talk a lot, but also need to handle paperwork to get deals closed. Maybe you’re extremely introverted and love doing research, but need to then present your findings at meetings. Doing only what you love can be a bit of a cop-out… it can encourage you to throw in the towel too soon, giving up on something because certain elements are challenging.

It’s something I struggle with all the time – how much do I enjoy my career path, my role? When I get to do what I’m best at and like doing, I’m in the zone. It feels fantastic and rewarding. When I have to do what I’m not strong in and struggle with, I’m at a loss. I try and I try but boy is it hard! My only solace is that when it’s finally over, that rush of relief can wash over me and provide some comfort. On my journey of happiness, I am constantly learning, growing, and evolving. Similarly, I’ve found that in my personal life I travel a parallel path. I’ve learned that finding happiness is not about getting to a destination – after all, what makes us happy is changing too. Rather, it’s about adapting along the way and enjoying the experiences. I’m trying to make the most of each experience and find something to smile about.

It’s funny how all this time I’ve been trying to “find myself” there’s been no “self” to find, really. I am who I am; I am how I am. As I tried to figure out what would make me happy I failed to realize that I was thinking too much about a future self that doesn’t exist yet (and may never exist, depending on what choices I make now). Am I brave enough to let go of all that worry and just live in the present? I crave a certain amount of stability and I feel like I have more control over the future if I make decisions based on how I think it will go. But really, you never know. So maybe I can explore this stage of my journey of happiness a bit more thoroughly while I’m here. I’m just afraid that acting without regard to that fuzzy future will make it become something far worse than I’d want.

Happiness now doesn’t guarantee happiness in the future. Oh, dilemmas… I still can’t quite let go of wanting to feel accomplished AND happy. I’ll try to tip the scales a bit more towards happy though. We’ll see how it goes. 🙂

Weary

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
18 December 2013
0

Have you ever wanted to just give up?

Sometimes I really question myself. I put on my brave face and even fool myself for awhile, but then it resurfaces, that uncertainty. The child who often didn’t feel that connected with her peers. The girl who never really fit in. The woman who thought it’d be easier by now.

Why do I place such importance on the opinions of those who really don’t matter? Why can’t I revel in the love and appreciation I do have? We always want what we don’t have, don’t we? When I think about it, it’s silly, really. Wasting all this time and effort and heartbreak on the unimportant things. Expending so much energy worrying and forcing those closest to me to suffer the pouty moods. Why do I let it get to me so? Why can’t I stop caring?

I am worn, I am weary. I don’t want to trudge along like this. I used to be so happy; I used to be so carefree… and I wish I knew how to shake off the sadness and return to that place. So I write. I write and I write and I write. Then I read a little. And I sit and think until my brain protests. So I spill it all out as drafts of posts I may never share, or I put pen to paper and smell that intoxicating scent of ink. Maybe I can purge my mind that way. Maybe.

I just want to have fun again.

365great Day 220: progression of life

laelene Posted in 365great，Tags: , , , ,
20 October 2013
0

365great challenge day 220: progression of lifeLooking back on my life, each stage has had its own importance and shaped me in a different way. From the early years of being raised by extended family in China to my childhood move to the US… from my youth in quiet, peaceful towns to my adulthood in cities… from staying close to home for college (but then studying abroad) to my recent cross-country move… the continual progression of life is pushing me to all sorts of experiences. I’ve enjoyed all of these opportunities and I look forward to everything that growing older will bring. I think it’s a beautiful thing to see how much changes and how much growth there is over the years. I went from a super shy kid to a far more social teen. I went from being Chinese to Chinese-American. I went from being a student to being a worker. I’ve identified as a nomad, a traveler, a foreigner, a swimmer, a runner, a sprinter, a Navy cadet, an Air Force cadet, a loner, a social butterfly, a pledge, an active, a volunteer, an intern, an employee, a manager, an instructor, a counselor, a tomboy, a girl, a woman, a lady, and the list goes on… and with each, I’ve learned more about myself and evolved into who I am today. I’m happy with where I am today yet I also look forward to a great future.

365great Day 100: celebrations

laelene Posted in 365great，Tags: , , , , ,
22 June 2013
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Learn more about 365great here.

365great challenge day 100: celebrationsCelebrations are a wonderful way to recognize special moments in our lives. Whether it’s an achievement, a birthday/anniversary, or something else, it’s a chance for us to take time to change our routine and give attention to something important. All the joy, positivity, and bonding are a way for us to feel more accomplished and share that with others. I love how it brings people together with a great outlook towards the past, present, and future.

Languishing

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
01 May 2013
0

I’ve been in and out of a funk lately. For a time, I was focusing on a new project, but ever since I got back to the West Coast I haven’t really been able to concentrate on it. Instead, I found myself getting into my blogging again, with a big bout of inspiration. Also, I picked up a hobby obsession with entering (and winning!) sweepstakes/giveaways. Oh, and I’ve started to carve out a little piece of the reviewing world for myself, getting some products for free in exchange for feedback for those brands/companies.

sitting on front porch with legs extended working on laptop

Why wouldn’t I want to work on my front porch?


While all this is good and well, it’s not exactly a career unless I get a mad following or something. I’ve been working on promoting my blog more and I’ve seen improvement, but still, it’s tough to make a good living as a blogger and few people can rely on it solely. I’m enjoying myself and doing what I like, but I can’t help but feel that others are judging me for my lack of career at this point. It makes me wonder if I should be more eager to get back into the work force and earn a more steady income.

I’m a stubborn one, so the more people try to push me towards “normalcy” the more I want to buck against it. But I do see the benefits – I mean, I don’t want to have financial difficulties in my life. I’ve been fortunate to never have been in debt or had anything I couldn’t pay back and I never plan on experiencing that. Perhaps it’s unfair to assume the “housewife” role and stay at home doing what I can online as Panda goes out to work each day.

sitting under cabana working photo edited rainbow filter

Enjoying the weather while working? Certainly!


Still, I can’t help but wonder why I need to join all those Americans who work too hard, stress themselves out, and don’t even have fun along the way. What’s the point of earning a ton of money if you’re risking your health and happiness? Why is it that career success is often seen as more important than personal success (like within the home)? Perhaps that’s what’s wrong with this society. There’s so much glamour in earning a big paycheck, driving a fancy car, owning a large home, and otherwise living the “high life.”

Meanwhile, the quality of life and your personal well-being is completely ignored. Is a crazy high income worth never being home? Is a super busy schedule worth the shortcuts you take for your health? Maybe I’ve been taking it easy for too long (a year), but I sure do enjoy this ability to sleep in or stay up as I feel and manage my time freely. Are you only “good enough” if you’re sleep-deprived, too busy for socializing or relaxing, and soaring in your career? It sure seems that way, what with people bragging about how crazy their lives are.

lounging by pool in cabana with view of harbor

Should I feel guilty I get to work like this?


It’s sad really, that I almost feel ashamed that I’m not overworked. In fact, it’s just guilt that maybe I’m not being ambitious enough with my earning potential that is causing me this stress right now. I’m perfectly happy otherwise – I get time with family, I get work done, I get rest, and I am pretty well-balanced with the areas of my life. But I bet there are those who would look down on me and my situation and think that they’re better off because they have a nice paycheck. It’s not that I don’t want to earn money – I’ve just seen how big the trade-off is and I’m no longer sure that all that insanity is worth it.

I’ll probably still end up getting into the grind, working at that rat race that never seems to end. Yes, even entrepreneurs who don’t enter the traditional rat race find themselves in one of their own. Anybody with a job in the US isn’t truly immune to the intense competition, no matter what your industry or role. All because our society has developed in such a way that we aren’t deemed “successful” otherwise. And gosh darn it, I’m not about to disappoint my family. If they see failure in no high-power career, then I guess I’ll try to build that nice little career. But I’ll probably still languish around from time to time since I can’t quite say that it’s what I truly want. However, I don’t want to be dead weight and/or a burden either. So I guess it’s time to suck it up and get back in touch with my work-related ambitions.

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