Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

The nights are the hardest

laelene Posted in mba, relationships，Tags: , , , , ,
14 February 2017
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It is a hormonal thing that at night I feel more emotional?

This has been going on for about two weeks now. Late at night, as I’m winding down for bed, I find myself feeling melancholic. It’s something that suddenly hits me and makes me cry (or just want to). It’s not that I’m going through a particularly tough time or feeling depressed these days. In fact, I’m very satisfied with where I’m at in life.

But right before I get to bed and before I can fall asleep, sadness hits. Out of nowhere, I miss Panda. It got so bad a few days ago that I basically had to coerce him into flying out to visit me this weekend (yay!). I don’t know why this happens because I’m perfectly fine and happy in the day. I really don’t think about it at all. What is it about the late night that is bringing this out? Am I suppressing something without realizing it?

We are about 8 months in to the third time that we’ve done a long distance relationship. It’s the first time since we got engaged and married. I live with two delightful ladies in my MBA class who I love to pieces. I’ve been doing pretty well in classes, though it feels like a struggle much of the time. Still, I’m very fortunate that I was able to get my recruiting done early so I haven’t had to balance interviewing with coursework. Instead, I’ve been able to focus energy into planning Admit Weekend, which is fast approaching (in early April)!

All in all, things are going well.

So I wonder, maybe it’s because I’ve been very introspective lately? Right now, we are in the midst of electing our student leadership for the next year. I have been struggling with how I want to be involved and how much energy I will be able to dedicate over the next year to new roles. Tooooons of thinking, questioning, and re-thinking there. Also, I am in the Marshall LEAD Fellows Program and we had our first session early this month. Another chance for introspection and reflection. Plus, they gave us Passion Planners and essentialism (a book), both of which I’ve started to use and have challenged me to think hard on my life goals.

I must say, I found it easier to outline what I want long-term. I’m having trouble pondering the next couple of months. Could all this intense thinking and soul-searching be triggering my midnight moods? Whatever the case, I’m glad that I get my husband back ever so briefly this weekend. Maybe that will be the cure (or maybe it’ll be finally settling the roles I may take on).

Oh yeah, and I completely forgot — Happy Valentine’s Day! <3

The name game

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , ,
14 July 2014
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With our civil ceremony fast approaching, Panda and I are preparing to jump through the legal hoops. One of these items is the marriage license application, with which I will need to indicate how (or if) I will change my name. The only thing we’ve agreed is not necessary is for him to change his name. But when it comes to mine, I was all for adding his name as a second last name, ie, Qin Bear (assuming his full name is Panda Bear, you see). I remember reading about a blogger who had done this and claimed to be able to use Qin or Bear or Qin Bear. That’s exactly what I’d like – a tie to his family name without actually really changing my identity. On the day-to-day, I’d still be Mary Qin. When it came to anything related to him, I could be Mrs. Bear. If it was something related to the kids (who I plan on naming with his family name), I’d be Mary Bear to match their surname.

However, I’ve been digging in to it and it seems things might be more complex than that. Technically adding the extra last name is changing mine, which means I’d still have to go through the annoying process of updating all my records (no thank you). Then there’s the question of whether two last names (NOT hypenated) is truly acceptable and whether the two can sort of be used interchangeably. If I indicate my new name is Mary Qin Bear, would a check written to me as Mary Qin be just as valid? I haven’t a clue… [any lawyers in CA please feel free to chime in!]

We were talking about this last night and he sees no need for me to change my name. I’ve built an identity around it and it’s a strong name. I actually have far less of a connection with my first name than my last. Perhaps I should drop it and make my name Qin Bear! You may call me Qin from now on. 😉 I did want to add his to have that connection to his family roots and also share part of my last name with the kids. To some extent, I didn’t want complications because my surname didn’t match theirs, but Panda makes a valid point that our mothers raised us with their own last names and never had an issue. So should I just keep my name entirely? Seems a little lacking, after all this time that I was planning on adding a name.

And then of course I have intense debates with myself in terms of what the social influences are that are playing into my decision. Am I being too deferent to tradition by including his name? Am I being too headstrong by not? What is actually making me choose the way I am and does it make sense with my values? I’m thoroughly confused. Is it legal to list Mary Qin Bear on the marriage certificate but not update all my legal documents so I continue to use Mary Qin but have Bear floating in there on the marriage license? I think I might go with that.

Thinking of all this last name drama reminds me of an amusing fact: all three of my cats have different last names. Molly was given my mom’s last name, Missy was given my last name, and Smokey was given Panda’s last name. I sure hope it’s less confusing with the real kids. 😛

A year in

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
15 June 2014
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It’s the 1-year anniversary of our engagement, just so happening to fall on Father’s Day this year! We’ve made plans for the marriage, but not yet the wedding and it’s one big confusing set of circumstances. I’m putting off wedding planning as long as possible, but I probably should start since it’s going to be only a year away soon enough (less than two months from now). A year is a decent amount of time to plan, right? It’s not like we’re going all out crazy; I’d rather have a nice time celebrating and enjoy a more elaborate honeymoon. Actually, it looks like our “honeymoon” will be coming in three (or more) parts. A 7-day thing here, a 10-day thing there… and hey, why not make every vacation going forth part of our never-ending honeymoon?

Was it just a year ago that Panda was getting his Master’s and we got engaged? Hard to believe, with all that’s happened since! I relocated from California to Virginia, decided to rejoin the workforce as an employee rather than an entrepreneur of sorts, got a condo, adopted a cat, and pretty much experienced change in most parts of my life. I feel like we’ve grown up so much in this span of time and I look forward to all the adventures we’ll have together over the years. The next great adventure will be getting our marriage license and legally getting married, which seems so strange to do a year before the wedding ceremony. We’ve grown up associating the two, but they don’t have to be hand in hand. So, as I always seem to do in my life, I fall neither here nor there – the exception to the norm, the couple who’s married but not yet, sort of? How are we going to explain this to people?

Nevermind that, though. We’ll do things our way and enjoy it all along the way! I just learned that my dad is going to be around for the civil ceremony this year, which is super exciting since he’s usually only in the country a few weeks each year. It looks like our entire immediate families will be able to attend – both sets of parents, plus Panda’s brother (maybe even my cousin??). That’s all we need! I don’t want all the fanfare and formality and I hope they don’t expect it. Let’s just do the legal stuff and have a good meal together.

Some thoughts on marriage

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
10 September 2010
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I’m not sure how I feel about marriage.

On the one hand, I absolutely plan on getting married and all that jazz.  However, I have a lot of problems with it.  First, most people (in the US anyway) take it to be a religious ceremony.  I am not comfortable with that idea, being a non-religious person.  I certainly would not want to get married in a church by a priest or minister, or whatever they’re supposed to be.  Second, because of this strong tie to religion, many people believe that marriage is only to be between people of the opposite sex.  I don’t feel that love and dedication to another human being can be restricted in such a way.  It makes me uneasy to be a part of something that same-sex couples do not have the privilege of enjoying as well.

I suppose it comes down to this whole idea being extremely outdated.  Back in the day people thought that only men and women should get married to each other.  Back in the day people thought something about God and marriages and a holy union.  And unfortunately because of that, much of our legal system has developed to favor marriage.  You get taxed less for being married.  You get rights to each other’s property and many benefits when the other died.  None of that is afforded couples who are just as committed, but have not gone through this ritual of getting married.  Nowadays, those “back in the days” are long gone and I feel we should really re-examine the institution of marriage.

With divorce rates so high and sham marriages abound, it’s no wonder I think marriage is a mess.  It’s more about the rings and the legal benefits than the love and commitment.  Why can’t we do away with marriage, so weary and shackled to tradition, and replace it with something simpler and modern?  I’d like to see unions of couples in a secular manner, joining together their lives and committing to a future together.  I do like the idea of a ceremony because it helps solidify the commitment and is a way to share the union with loved ones.  And I think a meal and party afterwards is a great way to celebrate.  So these are the traditions that I like.  But doing so in a church?  Not my cup of tea.

(And what is up with this whole engagement ring and wedding band thing?  I am really confused by the complexities of that particular tradition, but let’s leave that for another day.)

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