Posts Tagged ‘observation’

Second fiddle

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , ,
07 July 2009
0

The type of work that I’m good at leans towards internal support – I usually do research for our business development.  It’s the stuff that fades to the background and gets lost among the crowd of client accounts we’re handling.  It’s what tends to be ignored or forgotten, and is hardly ever recognized.  Yet, it’s critical to any organization, as it is for ours, since we need to stay up-to-date with developments in the field and have articles to reference to create new programs.  I’m used to being in the background unseen, like stage crew in their black outfits to blend in with the darkness.  Unfortunately, when you aren’t seen, sometimes your effects are not felt or understood very well and this can create a sense of mystery about what work you do.  If people don’t know what you’re working on, they’ll often draw the conclusion that you’re not really doing anything – after all, where are the results?

It can get pretty overwhelming. photo credit: awriterinthedesert.wordpress.com

It can get pretty overwhelming. photo credit: awriterinthedesert.wordpress.com

Well, in the field of research, a lot of time is spent searching and filtering through information with little result to show.  So though a lot of time and effort goes into producing just one little thing, all others see is that one thing you did produce.  Nobody knows how many different ways you had to look and all the reading you scoured to get to the end result; after all, it’s only what you find that is relevant that matters.  And to them, this looks like it could be easily accomplished, so your work tends to get discounted in the process.  There’s a lot of room for misunderstandings and certainly a lot will occur.  So, in an effort to curtail this, I’ve decided to take a more proactive approach.  Whereas before I would just report that I’m doing research as I always do, with nothing exciting to update, now I’ve chosen to mention more specifically what I’m doing.

In a way, it’s just to save my own butt – after all, all the stuff we’re doing for clients gets recorded, but the internal stuff doesn’t.  I don’t want people to look back and wonder what in the world was going on for business development efforts.  I want them to see all the areas we were exploring and see the contributions that I made.  This is something I’ve known intuitively for a long time.  After I started here, I kept a running list of things that I had worked on so I could look back and appreciate what I’ve done and what I learned from that.  This way I have solid proof and examples to use when I look back on my experience and I can at least vaguely measure how I grew professionally.  For this line of work, you either need to stand up for yourself or just allow yourself to be used as a stepping stone for the other work.  There won’t be anyone to look out for you and make sure that your efforts are recognized, save for the leader who notices and appreciates (like Starfish, who made a point to thank Skim and I for our work).

First chair recognizing the rest of the orchestra. photo credit: merinospace.com

First chair recognizing the rest of the orchestra. photo credit: merinospace.com

I think it’s something important for any leader to look out for.  When you don’t neglect those who often are, it means a lot to them.  In any team, you will need people to be front runners and, in musical terms, first chair.  However, it’s equally important that you have a strong “second fiddle” and entire orchestra to truly play wonderful music.  Without those to harmonize, you’re left with a solo act that can have its own benefits, but will never compare to an entire symphony.  Only by taking care of all your people can the engine of the business run smoothly.  It’s a good lesson for my future intentions to start my own firm.  The problem is, I’m going to need to be more of a first chair to be able to start a company.  I could try to find a business partner to be my counterpart, but being second fiddle doesn’t mean I don’t want to be recognized.  It just means that with my skills, I’m better at producing a different type of sound to complement that of first chair.  I guess the question is: Do I have the willpower to take on both roles?

Habits die hard

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
06 July 2009
0

Habits are these persistent still suckers that get ingrained in your very subconscious, affecting how you behave often in ways that you can’t help.  Since you’re so used to doing things that way, it takes a lot of conscious effort to change how you do it.  Even a lot of effort may not always be effective, though with time they can slowly take effect.  I’ve been having trouble with this for awhile now, with a very silly behavior.  You see, I’m a fidgety person – I like to move around.  Well, one of my fidgets is clapping the palm of one hand on the loose fist of the other hand.  Can you imagine what that looks like?  Turns out it’s considered an insult in Singaporean culture.  -___-  Hence, I will not take a picture to show you what it’s like.  I’ll leave that to your imagination.

I think this is a pretty safe universal sign. photo credit: wpclipart.com

I think this is a pretty safe universal sign. photo credit: wpclipart.com

It seems that I like to do it for the very reason it is considered rude – there’s a nice echo and a sort of popping noise you can make by slapping your hands together like that.  I also snap my fingers and crack my knuckles because of this desire to make small movements and create a little bit of sound.  It breaks both the monotony of staying still and being quiet at the same time (which usually make me feel antsy).  Unfortunately for me, I was caught doing this by a very shocked Starfish, who immediately gasped at my gesture and frantically asked me what I was doing.  It was also brought up once when I was out with Mizu and some friends.  Throughout the rest of that night, I found myself catching myself right after doing it, then hiding my hands or trying to keep them from moving around so much.  But time and time again, my hands would find their way from under my legs or untangle themselves from an interlocked clasp to do that action again!  It really is difficult to adjust behavior.

This reminds me of my first few weeks in Singapore, when Mizu was overcoming a tendency to overuse “actually” with the help of Starfish and Marylin.  Whenever we caught him using it when it wasn’t necessary, someone would be there to clear their throat and ask, “Actually?”  Whether he was speaking to us, on the phone, or presenting, Starfish and Marylin kept a close ear on what he was saying.  With that sort of persistent watch kept over him, Mizu quickly learned to stop using it and it’s been a long time since he’s used that sentence more than once in a sentence.  (Because, actually, when do you actually need to actually use it so many times in a sentence, actually?)  😛

photo credit: weightlosswiththefabulousfatties.wordpress.com

photo credit: weightlosswiththefabulousfatties.wordpress.com

The good thing about behavior is that you don’t need to spend too much time thinking about doing it because it’s rather automatic.  However, for that same reason, it can come kick you in the butt because you may automatically do something that you don’t want to or shouldn’t.  It’s a trade-off between having more brain resources that can be directed to other thoughts and doing things that you may regret and will have trouble not doing.  According to popular knowledge and based on research, it takes 21 days to break a habit.  I think I’m nearing that mark…  Ultimately, it really is important to develop good habits at a young age, so you don’t have to work so hard to try to adjust your behavior when you’re older.

Take right now, for example.  I’ve made a lot of typos because I’m training myself to type with my left thumb and keep my right thumb off the spacebar.  Since I’m not used to that sort of coordination, I make the strangest typos without even realizing at times, because my brain sent the right signal, but my fingers didn’t execute properly.  Similarly, everyone has certain typos that they tend to make frequently (and often this doesn’t get corrected because of autocorrect) because of how they learned to type.  I know I always stumble on certain words and almost never get them right on the first try.  I remember I noticed that Katana used to do that a lot with “the,” which always came out as “teh.”  Such things are natural when you start typing quickly, but it’s still interesting to compare what I mess up on versus someone else.  Old dogs are slow to learn new tricks, aren’t they?

Life stages

laelene Posted in general blog, relationships，Tags: , , , , , , , ,
02 July 2009
0

I was recently found on Facebook by an old middle school friend, which then prompted quite a discovery journey for me.  She and I only have two friends in common since she’s new to FB, so I went to check out those profiles too.  One of them was my best friend from those St. Louis days, who I haven’t heard from in years.  I stopped by her profile to find that she’s engaged!  I still remember the days when her parents were still so overprotective that they wouldn’t let her sleep over at a friend’s house until she was about 12 or 13 (my house was her first sleepover, and probably only because we were a Chinese family too).

She got engaged on Halloween - how cool! photo credit: her FB

She got engaged on Halloween – how cool! photo credit: her FB

From there, I was checking out a bunch of my other friends’ profiles and so many of them are engaged, married, or are starting families!  It’s really amazing to remember them the way I do as young teenagers and look to see what their lives are like now.  We’ve all grown up so much.  I guess it’s such a shocker for me because I never watched them grow up and my last memory of these people was in middle school, when we were still in our awkward phases.  It’s wonderful to be able to see where they are in their lives now, from planning a wedding to starting their careers.

I think the 20s are the most exciting years, what with many educational, personal, and professional milestones concentrated in that decade of our lives.  It made me think about how each of us is reaching a different stage in our lives – from those who are still finding their way to those who are settling down.  I think marriage and children are still more rare in my peers right now, but in another decade, that landscape will likely change drastically, with the opposite true.  It’s fascinating for me to see the type of people each of ends up with and the lifestyle that we fall into.

Ah, the rings... I much prefer silver to gold. photo credit: katargonza.com

Ah, the rings… I much prefer silver to gold. photo credit: katargonza.com

I know for sure that if I had not moved to California, my life would be immensely different.  One thing I’ve noticed was that my Asian friends from years past (which totals to a mere three) have all settled with Caucasian boyfriends/fiances.  I always thought I’d end up with one too, and more than likely would have if I hadn’t moved to SoCal, where the density of Asians is much, much higher.  Our surroundings play such a huge role in how our lives turn out, from the things we encounter to the people we’re exposed to.  I wonder if the environment in the Midwest and out East had anything to do with their decisions to get married at this age.  Maybe it’s just my sentiment, but I’d rather get my career underway first and that seems to be the vibe on the West Coast.

Nonetheless, I am intrigued to see who is married, who is engaged, who has a kid, who is still dating, and who is still single.  I don’t know why I find it so interesting, but I love going to people’s profiles to see their relationship status.  In fact, this prompted me to start going through all my friends to see what they have listed.  Other than the few who are married or engaged, I will likely forget the rest, but it’s still fun to explore.  It’s also a nice update, since some have changed their names and initially I was quite confused by their new surname.  I’ve never really thought about it, but when I did, I realized that I am far too attached to my name to just change it like that.  Panda’s ok with that (yay), so I can rest assured that I didn’t buy my domain for nothing.  😛  It’s still weird to think that the kids will have a different last name though.  I hate hypenated names though, so I’d rather they take his than try to do some awkward combo (unless we’re allowed to do some hybrid spelling?  o.O).

So, where are all your friends at?  Where you thought they’d be?

People pleaser & misunderstandings

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
25 June 2009
2

I’ve always been the type of person who will bend over backwards to try to anticipate what people want and do it.  At the expense of my personal enjoyment, I’ll let them have their way and enjoy something before I do.  I’m constantly proactively thinking about what I can do to not get in their way and to be more considerate to them in ways they may not notice, but would make a difference.  I’ve certainly not been completely successful and still step on people’s toes despite that foresight, but I still try, even if it means I’m always evaluating how other people might think.  It’s a tiring process and I’ve been jaded a few times, but I still tend to act that way.

More recently my strong-willed side has come out more and though I spend no less time thinking about how people would react to my actions, I care less.  After all, I can’t always live my life by everyone else’s rules and time and time again I’ve suppressed a lot to please someone else.  I’m worn out from years of giving, giving, giving.  Giving my time, my money, my energy, my resources.  I’ve got stepped on, walked over, and even trampled a few times that way when I allowed too much and didn’t stand up for myself.  So nowadays, I spend some time justifying my actions when they aren’t so people-pleasing.

Now this is how I'd like to work (and do at home) if I had to be at a desk. photo credit: expresspros.com

Now this is how I'd like to work if I had to be at a desk. photo credit: expresspros.com

Take work for example.  My working style is erratic and varied, with plenty of distractions throughout the day.  I’m not the type of person to sit down and focus for hours on end, complete a task early, then call it a day.  Instead I meander through, sometimes chatting with others, sometimes checking e-mails or social networking sites, sometimes reading articles for personal enjoyment and enrichment.  All of this goes towards what I consider an important aspect of all our lives – personal improvement.

Often people get so caught up in their work that they don’t take the time to make themselves a better person, a better worker, a better friend.  I tend to focus on the gaining new knowledge aspect of it, but sometimes I’ll turn to my interpersonal skills as well.  This translates to a confusing picture for anyone looking over my shoulder, who will find that I have thirty tabs open at any given time and switch between them quite frequently.  To some, it may look like I’m slacking, but I’m too tired to try to make everyone understand.

So, I’ve been justifying it to myself: I still work quite efficiently overall and there are periods of intense focus (usually when nobody else is around).  The bosses know the product of my time and though we’ve talked about how I let my fear of failure hold me back, all feedback on the quality of my work has been positive.  My work is internal development, which is always ongoing and has no real deadline to meet.  Of course, I set incremental ones, but really I could be working until the cows come home and still have the bulk of work to do.  So, it’s not like I can just finish a project and be done for the day.  Put these together and that’s how I explain to myself why I don’t need to work like the others do.  It’s not my style.

photo credit: art.com

photo credit: art.com

I almost don’t care what the others may think of what they see.  I used to worry that people would think I napped too much, but that’s just another way that my body copes with work.  I’ve come to the point where if I need to rest, I will, and for as long as my body tells me to.  Whereas before I may have tried to hide that fact by sneaking to a corner or setting an alarm so I didn’t sleep for extended periods, now I am accepting my personal work style.  It’s extremely unconventional and I’m lucky that this environment is very flexible and forgiving.

I guess that’s why I’m so adamant about not getting a typical desk job.  I know I’d fall asleep in the middle of the day.  I know I’d get antsy and want to move around or just surf around a bit online.  For me, it’s still a part of my creative and learning processes, so it’s not exactly time wasted.  I don’t know how I could stand to show up to work at 9 every day, sit and focus, take a lunch break, then complete the day and leave.  It’s such a stale routine.

Though I try a bit less to please everyone now (which, of course, is impossible, since not everyone will know all the factors and will often misinterpret things), I am still often concerned with it.  However, I’ve learned to not always change my behavior to fit what I think others want.  In fact, it turns out that some of the things that I have been doing that I thought were considerate was being seen as strange behavior.  Suddenly being independent was being seen as being aloof and being conservative with resources was being strangely stingy.  I guess I’m screwed no matter what.

Asian on the outside, Asian-American through and through.

Asian on the outside, Asian-American through and through.

It only struck me here that I am so strongly Westernized and even though Singapore has huge Western influences, it is still very much an Asian society at heart.  The things that I do that I never had a problem with before are suddenly all problematic.  There are many layers to the misunderstandings that have occured, but much of it stems from the cultural divide.  Just like I am deceptively Asian with my standard Mandarin accent, Singaporeans are deceptively Western with their lifestyles, but deep down, it’s a completely different story.

I guess the hardest thing is that people expect me to know all the nuances of Asian culture because I look the part.  They hear past my American accent and only see my Chinese face and assume that I know what it’s like in an Asian culture.  But in fact, I left the country when I was only three and have since spent twenty years in the states.  It wasn’t even until I moved to California nearly seven years ago that I met so many other Asians.  The bulk of my childhood was spent among white people (the Midwest doesn’t offer much diversity).

I wonder about all the things that I must have done as a child visiting in China (that I didn’t even realize were different) that my relatives just wrote off as a trait of being “the American” one.

The strange human psyche

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , ,
15 June 2009
0

I am a strangely stubborn person.

Singapore National Day <br>photo credit: Alec Ee, photo.net

Singapore National Day photo credit: Alec Ee, photo.net

This weekend, I called up my dad to talk about plans to travel, which my mom is not keen on.  He was open at first, telling me to cut back on the countries and he’d talk to her, but I was unsatisfied with the compromise.  For in cutting back on countries, I would also need to cut back on time and cutting back on time meant having to leave earlier, but leaving earlier meant missing National Day.  Now normally this would not be a big deal, after all, I’ve only ever heard of this celebration recently, but what is important to me is that the people I’ve been working with day in and day out wanted to share this experience with me.  When else would I get that opportunity?  I’m not even sure when the next time I can come back to this part of the world would be.

On the other side of things, I could just spend more time milling around Singapore, but in moving to the new place, we had agreed to a one-month period assuming I’d be gone for a month.  This would then add another week or two to that stay, which is far too much extra to ask for.  And in this situation, it’s not like they’d be able to chase me out, since they’d feel bad knowing that I have nowhere to go.  I guess it goes back to my age-old habit of trying to please everyone at the expense of myself (and, in turn, my parents).  So rather than miss out on the holiday and leaving early or asking for an extension to my living arrangement, my focus was on making both work out.

I wanted to be the ultimate tourist and find scenes like this!

I wanted to be the ultimate tourist and find scenes like this! photo credit: ishs.org

So though I knew that pushing for more would get me nowhere, I had defend my reasons.  Certainly other issues got in the way, mainly the different attitudes we have towards this period in my life.  My parents are waiting for me to get a stable job (which apparently means one with insurance) but I’m planning on spending these years exploring my options, interests, and capabilities.  At some point my stubbornness took over and it was no longer about what I wanted, but it became an issue of rebellion.  I stopped caring whether or not they’d help pay for some of my expenses and instead needed to express myself.  Perhaps I’m too adamant about getting an unconventional job (and preferably never a desk job again, or at least one that involves a lot of moving around), but for the coming months I’m not about to change my mind.

Now the most interesting thing to come of this was when my dad commented that with my psych background, I should know how to speak to him in such a way that would convince him of my desires so I could get what I want.  Well, I’m not out to use my knowledge to manipulate people.  Sure, I can work it to my advantage, but then I’d be treating others as fools, merely using them as pawns.  I’d much rather be the rebellious, stubborn daughter that I am than suppress that to get my way.  My dad said that I may have won the battle but not the war, but what he doesn’t get is that I’m not out to win.  I just want to make my position clear, which in the end puts me in a “losing” scenario, but I don’t feel the loss.  I’d rather scale down and pay my own way or go forth and find other ways to fund it than owe even more to my parents.  I’m only comfortable with owing them if they’re gladly willing to help, rather than reluctantly agreeing to.

photo credit: weber.edu

photo credit: weber.edu

No matter what happens, I know two things: 1. I will make the best of it and 2. I will never forget it (though I will not regret it either).  It’s a self-preservation mechanism that we all have: whatever happens, we will find a way to justify how that is better than the other options (otherwise we’ll sink into depression and perhaps end with suicide).  So, if I go to fewer places, I will justify that experience by focusing on the extra time I had at each place.  Even if somehow I end up not going anywhere at all, I’ll justify that by thinking of the money I saved or how it’ll be more fun to go with someone.  That’s just how the human psyche works.  Whenever something we don’t want happens, will find a way to make it seem not so bad or even good or else we’d drive ourselves crazy with regret.  As for not forgetting, I’ll always recall how much I wanted to travel in the fast-paced manner that I spent my time in Europe.  I may not yearn for it too much (after justifying why it didn’t happen and convincing myself why what ended up happening was better), but I will always remember how it could have been.  Sure I’ll get over it (in fact, I already have, since now I don’t have to spend as much effort planning and just thinking about the hectic pace makes me feel tired), but I will never forget these lavish dreams that I had.

Oh the nuances of the human mind.

The need for answers

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
07 June 2009
1

I have found that curiosity is a huge driver and motivator.  It pushes people to want to know more, which in turn translates to doing something to gain that knowledge.  It is also what allows us to continually improve, because we’ll always wonder “what if?” when we tap into our curious mind.  Really what it comes down to is asking questions.  In the quest to find the answers, we come across so many innovative ideas that can change the world.  But first, we must be curious and want to understand things more deeply.

air-france

photo credit: thesun.co.uk

This could be something as simple as unsolved deaths, as hit shows like CSI and the most recent tragic airplane crash of Air France flight 447, exemplify.  There’s this deep desire to find out why and how certain events happen.  In the event of mystery, there are plenty of people who are ready to devote a lot of resources to investigating the reasons.  I guess it’s because we like to see ourselves as logical creatures and as such, expect our world to behave in a logical way.  When something comes along that cannot be explained, it’s simply not enough to let it be, but there’s almost a need to find out why.  That’s why cases like Amelia Earhart disappearing or “eerie” coincidences are classic stories and people try to attribute it to a greater power that undetectable.

Of course, curiosity can also work in great ways, inspiring people to come up with great inventions and discoveries have changed the course of history.  What if Galileo had not wondered about how fast things fall to the ground?  What if Edison had never tried so hard to find a way to light up our nights?  Imagine how the world would be if neither of those events had happened.  I can’t even begin to – our understanding of basic physics and our nightly habits would be so different.  So I’m glad that people wonder about the world and are motivated to continue to change.  After all, a static world would be boring and unbearably predictable.

photo credit: cryptomundo.com

photo credit: cryptomundo.com

Even in my own life, much of the articles I find myself reading are because of my personal interests and curiosities.  I educate myself because I wonder what ways I can reduce my carbon footprint, better use my mind, or improve my relational abilities.  I take those questions and go about finding answers in whatever way I can.  Sometimes, that’s what inspires me to post too!  Perhaps in sharing my thoughts I can also find answers in the wisdom of my acquaintances.  I think it’s critical that people never lose sight of their curious nature.  For some, it’s testing the limits of humanity (how else did the 4-minute mile get broken?) and for others, it’s reasoning through things.  Whatever the purpose, it always makes us work harder, try more, and (usually) be better.  So let’s keep on demanding those answers!

Puzzling ant behavior

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
05 June 2009
0
Some just look downright ferocious.

You can't quite tell from here, but some just look downright ferocious, like this monster.

Is it just me or do ants work in mysterious and wondrous ways?  From out of nowhere, they’ll find the food you neglected to clean up in time and bring their whole clan over to enjoy the feast.  It’s amazing to me how quickly they can locate food when from the looks of their trail, it certainly was nowhere near their point of origin.  Those scouts certainly do their jobs well!  Of course, nobody’s perfect and there are times that food goes gloriously unnoticed by them, though it seems that more often than not, they’ll get the prize.

It’s also crazy how they manage to sneak up on me when I wasn’t paying attention so food goes from clean to infested in about two seconds flat.  How do they do that?!  It’s unbelievably efficient.  If only humans could communicate so quickly and effectively.  Think of the things we could do if everyone knew what was going on just like that!  Similarly, they dissipate into thin air just as effortlessly, making me wonder where they hide when they no longer follow the trail.  They’re like ninjas, mysteriously falling into the background, ready to attack at the next opportunity.

I can’t help but marvel at these little creatures and their capacity for survival as a whole.  There are so many of them, they’re great at finding food and sharing the news quickly, and they can also scatter with due speed when it appears the food source is gone or there is danger ahead.  I’ve also spent quite some time noticing the different types out there, from the large black ones to the small brown ones and some flying ones here and there.  Ants are a diverse species and very well adapted to survive in almost any context (barring underwater), which is what makes them such great household pests.  The same goes for cockroaches, spiders, mosquitoes – but none can beat the sheer numbers and capability for teamwork that ants have!

An irony of life

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , ,
03 June 2009
0
photo credit: Daily Bruin

photo credit: Daily Bruin

I came across an article in the Daily Bruin earlier this week talking about a first-year student who is battling cancer.  He’s not only going through various procedures to fight against the disease, he’s excelling academically and professionally.  It’s just another reminder that sometimes the worse off someone seems to be, the better off they can be.  Often experiencing a traumatic or otherwise negative life-altering event can show people the light and make them appreciate what they had and what they have.  Of course, there are also those who struggle in the face of adversity and fall to the wayside.  When you get stuck in a deep pothole, it’s either two extremes – you choose to look out at the light and work towards it, or you choose to look down at the darkness surrounding you and give up hope.

So really, the pressure of extreme circumstances can bring out the best and the worst.  This also reminds me of how people who tend to excel at something tend to excel at pretty much everything they do.  It’s a way of life, a certain discipline that drives them to do well, no matter what they’re doing.  Similarly, people who go through a tragedy or near-death experience are then infused with the drive to pursue excellence.  After all, many take it as an all or nothing issue, especially if they’re dying (faster than normal, that is).  I always thought this was an interesting phenomenon and I’ve wondered how I would take a terrible blow in my life.  I would hope that I would be the type who would turn things around and even do better than I had been, with a newfound zest for the life I almost lost sight of.

It’s always encouraging to hear stories like this, where people stop worrying about what will happen to them and how or how long they’ll live it out, but start to focus on what they can do in the mean time to make the best of it.  Crazy isn’t it?  Sometimes it takes a brush with death to truly live, or at least live a more rich life than before.  I think to a certain extent it is a desire to show people that not only are they going to defy the odds, they’re going to beat them and thrive.  And thus out of tragedy is born excellence.  Like they say, a diamond is only created under high pressure.  What better pressure is there than a threat to your life as you know it?

Accents and self-deprecation

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , ,
01 June 2009
1

Nearly a month ago I came across a blog entry about speaking with accents (to me, there is no such thing as speaking without an accent – everyone’s got one).  Reading that led me to the blog post cited (written by Louis) and so many thoughts were triggered by these pieces.

Can't all speak like a news reporter!

Can't all speak like a news reporter! photo credit: lasplash.com

First, let me start by airing my main grievance: there is no such thing as NO accent!!!  Why don’t people get this?  Perhaps it is because Americans are so sheltered, so unworldly, so ignorant that they think they’re the center of the world.  Not having an accent does NOT mean having an American accent, yet you’ll find countless American writers acting as if that’s the case.  I’m sorry but since when did you get to act so haughty?  I’ll admit, I used to use the same terminology until I grew old enough to realize that it’s not that I don’t have an accent – it’s just that I have a thoroughly American accent.  So, to the people around me, sure I don’t have an accent – but what they mean by that is that I don’t have a different accent.

Secondly, and closely related to the first idea is that just because you have a “non-standard” accent (aka American/British/Australian accents found in mainstream media), you’re not as civilized or smart.  That is complete BS and everyone should know that.  Yet, I find the likes of commentators on Louis’s blog post acting as if this is the case!  In Singapore and Malaysia (and I’m sure many other countries as well), people will readjust and speak with more “proper” accents when they’re dealing with foreigners (namely white people).  Why?  Well, according to a commenter:

“Accent or no accent, i think its all about trying to prove and to impress. Humiliating as it is, we already have a bad impression on the foreigners and i guess speaking with a fake accent is somehow a try to change that impression…”

Excuse me?!  Are you SERIOUS?!!!  How much more could you put yourself down?  You’re the ones who have mastered multiple languages and can understand not only your local accents but American and British and whatever else ones out there.  Why can’t you think like that?  Why do you have to treat your own accent as if it’s not as good?  It’s just different!  This is after I had posted a comment saying that they’re able to do this because they’ve had exposure to foreign accents, so it’s a nice gesture for them to throw us a bone, so to say, and speak in a manner that is easier for us to understand.

You do, I do. photo credit: eruptingmind.com

You do, I do. photo credit: eruptingmind.com

Honestly, switching accents should not be seen as some sort of a demoralizing act that makes the person changing accents feel like theirs is less worthy.  It’s completely natural for people to change their behavior to match the people they’re trying to communicate with.  There’s even a term for it: mirroring!  It happens on such a subconscious level sometimes that people may never notice.  Think about it – if someone is speaking to you and you two are building repertoire, you both want to be liked by each other.  How do you do that best?  Making each other comfortable through your body language, interactions, and conversation.  Well, the most basic of that boils down to speech patterns, movements, breathing, accent, attitude, diction, the list goes on…  Give it a try next time you’re talking to someone – lean forward, lean backward, slouch, stand up, cross your arms, start talking faster and watch what happens.  More than likely the person you’re conversing with will follow suit unknowingly.

So really, the change in accent should be more about clear and comfortable communication with the other party rather than consciously doing it to try to impress them.  It’s unfortunate that so many people seem to take it the wrong way and there’s a huge mentality change needed to accept this as a purely normal interaction between two people.  This type of interaction is no different from the expat who starts to use local slang, the immigrant who picks up certain parts of the accent he’s surrounded with, or (for a more extreme example) even the multilingual who uses a language that will allow her to be understood.  In the end it’s really just a simple case of making communication easier and more clear.  That whole “my accent is not good enough because it’s not what you hear on TV” idea?  It’s all in your head, or at least it doesn’t need to be true.  I wish people didn’t think it was true.

A bit of a loner

laelene Posted in general blog, relationships，Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
30 May 2009
1

Growing up an only child, constantly on the move, and often home alone, I’d say I can be a hermit of sorts.  At home I’m used to holing up in my room, for the first half of my life reading books and for the second half spending time on the internet.  I’ll spend the entire day there, taking breaks only to go to the bathroom or go grab some more food from the pantry.  It’s a lifestyle that I think a lot of people don’t understand, either because there are too many people in their households or their parents didn’t offer them as much space and independence.  But for me, what is normal is to do my own thing.

My mom will call me for dinner when it’s ready and I’ll make my way downstairs when I’m ready, usually after my parents have finished eating their meal.  We’re not ones for small talk, so they’ll continue on with their lives, my dad sometimes flipping on the news and my mom burying herself back in her study material (she’s always teaching herself something new or playing with AutoCAD).  We have a very nontraditional family unit and I think outsiders would often see our relationship as cold and distanced.  I don’t know how to convince them otherwise (nor do I want or need to), but that’s just the way it is.

white hp laptop

Just me and my computer.

I get all the support I need both emotionally and financially.  When I need help or advice on something, I can go ask and though we’ll often disagree, there’s much to be learned from that.  As for money, I hardly spent any as a child, never really asking for toys or new clothes.  All I wanted was to be driven to the library on a weekly basis so I could drag a new stack of books home.  At one point, I wanted video games, but they refused and I didn’t pursue it very frequently so eventually the desire faded.  In my senior year of high school, I started to drive and since then my habits have changed quite drastically, where I am much more in charge of where I go, what I do, and what I buy.  I still try not to spend much, but I do splurge here and there and my parents are always there to help me pad my bank account if I need it.

Panda and I have talked about the type of family we would want and I think it will be much more cohesive.  I image going to the park on a weekend or wandering around some new part of LA.  It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with my family; it’s just that when everyone is busy with their own things, hanging out for no good reason seems a waste of time.  So yeah, I’d like to have a lot of time to do things together, but I hope that when it comes time for the kids to leave home and go to college, they won’t feel tied down.  I don’t want them to feel like they need to come back on weekends all the time.  I chose to go to a college near home not because of the proximity but because of the university itself.  I want that to be the case for my children too.  There comes a time when you need to leave the nest and start making a life for yourself and college is definitely a major transitional period where that starts to happen.

buffalo walks along side of road alone

A bit of a loner.

Lately I’ve found that my immense independence and solitude is not “normal” and I think it can be seen as being aloof.  To me, it’s leaving people alone and being left alone to do what we need to do.  Unless there’s actually something to talk about, trying to find things to discuss feels like a waste of time to me.  So I thought I was doing everyone a favor by staying out of the way.  Well, when I was told that that’s not what they wanted, I started to greet in a less timid manner, began coming up with follow-up comments or questions, and would occasionally make my way to the living room and watch some TV together (even though I have no interest in TV).  All the while, I wracked my brain for things to talk about.

At the same time, I was terrified.  I don’t know how to approach people who I perceive to be in a position of authority (teachers, bosses, parents) and even when they are extremely open and inviting, I proceed with caution.  I think much of this fear held me back and created a lot of self-doubt in what I was doing and what I could do.  I knew I needed to somehow be more talkative and interactive, but I couldn’t think of interesting topics.  Perhaps it was because I felt that everything had to be so meaningful and profound.  It seems that small talk isn’t like that though – so much of it is really just mundane stuff, isn’t it?  And everything is quite repetitive – what you ate, what you did, how the weather is – and really doesn’t change all that much.

I also stopped myself from trying to talk much when the TV was on or trying to enter a room if the door was closed.  Those are signals of “leave me be” in my world, so I respected that.  Yet, other than that time, there were not really other windows of opportunity.  It’s either nobody’s there, they’re in the room, or they’re watching TV.  Well, it seems that there has been discontent because of the lack of interaction, so I decided to give it a shot.  I sat there and tried to make conversation for 45 minutes, with many pauses and much of the time spent looking at the tennis match on TV.  A couple times, it was suggested that I go rest or that I must have other things to do, so I should go in the room and go on with it.  I didn’t know if those were just polite refusals as a gesture that it’s ok if I don’t stay or if they were a subtle dismissal and an attempt to get me to retreat to the room.

guy puts face into handSigh, everything is so complicated when it comes to relationships.  I’ve got no experience in this realm and it is kicking me in the butt.  Even when I ask what is going on and what thoughts and feelings there are, I get no answer.  It’s such an Asian thing to do and perhaps I am too Western in my behavior.  To me, it’s about sharing feelings and talking it through.  But I guess it’s not so easy.  There’s so much that is taboo in the Chinese culture.  I wonder if this is the case,where even asking will not help yield an answer.  It sure seems so because so far it hasn’t.  I know I have a lot to fix but I don’t know what exactly and, more importantly, I don’t know how.  I feel utterly powerless and useless.  Boy do I have a headache.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
First Prev 3031323334 Next Last