Posts Tagged ‘observation’

Public transport etiquette

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
29 May 2009
2

Every day when I go to the MRT (mass rapid transit – basically the train/subway system here) station, it’s a constant battle between whether I should step forward to try to get on board earlier or whether I should sit back and wait for the train to arrive and the traffic flow to begin.  It seems that no matter what I do, there are always people who butt in in front of me and don’t allow passengers to get off before they barge ahead.  So really it’s a lose-lose battle that I just try to lose less in.  I’m still trying to figure out if this is because of the Singaporean culture, a crowded city culture, the overall Asian culture, or even a public transportation culture.

dsc04806Even after the Singapore Kindness Movement (SKM) kicked in and signs are showing up everywhere encouraging people to let people alight (get off) before boarding, I haven’t seen a change in behavior.  There’s no respect for lining up and even less for waiting your turn, so it’s an evil cycle of people being more and more rude just to get in or out of the train.  Now, to some extent I can see this just being a sort of “survival of the fittest” – those who can make their way forward first will get better chances at seats and also not worry about the doors closing on you.  However, the same exact thing happens when there are no crowds around and such behavior does nothing more than annoy people trying to get off.

So, why is this?  I don’t think it’s because Singaporeans are unkind – after all, I’ve seen a fair share of people get up to allow others to sit.  Yet, when it comes to the simplest bit of patience in waiting for people to get off before you get on and allowing those who arrived to wait before you to get on before you start pushing forward, there seems to be a huge lack of disregard.  The lines on the floor indicating where people should stand to wait and allow others to get off are completely ignored and fools like me may have thought we were first in line only to find that half a dozen people managed to squeeze ahead by directly facing off those who are stepping off.

SKM logo

It’s really amazing and I wonder if all cities work like this.  I can’t really remember a time in Europe or other large cities that I’ve been to where I noticed this, but I also can’t say that I was really paying attention.  Whether or not it’s widespread, it’s pervasive here and it’s one of those unfortunate things that you can’t really regulate.  Also, unless everyone changes their approach, those who honor it only end up getting screwed.  Sad, isn’t it?  So where’s the incentive to follow directives like that when there’s no way to keep others from abusing the situation?  I guess in the end it comes down to a cultural mentality change, but the problem is – which culture?  As I mentioned before, i don’t know if it’s limited to Singaporeans, city dwellers, Asians, or public transportation users in general.  So how do you go about making a change?  SKM is making an effort, but unfortunately, I think this is something that will take a lot of time (and perhaps some regulation) to change.

In the name of FREE

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , ,
28 May 2009
0

I, like most people in this world, love free things.  Free in the sense that I don’t have to use money to purchase it.  However, I am more than happy to spend my time and efforts to earn it!  (Which, in the end, may or may not pay off.)  It’s funny how this idea of “free” works.  I mean, if you really think about it, the time I’m spending at this very moment on the Burt’s Bees site trying to win a free lip balm is appalling.  And the effort?  Just short of pathetic.  For the sake of this free item I am refreshing their page at least once a minute, sometimes five times in a row because they’re giving away 1000 free lip balms a day for 25 days, between the hours of 9 AM and 12 PM.  I rushed home from work when I realized that I’d be getting back right when it opened up, even turning on my computer as I walked so it’d be loaded and I’d just have to wait for the internet connection to register.

photo credit: burtsbees.com

photo credit: burtsbees.com

Now of course, at first thought I figured I’d just have to catch them at 9 sharp and try to be one of the first 1000, but here I am, an hour later and they’re still “gearing up.”  So I guess they’ll open it up at an arbitrary time before 12.  I am fully prepared to wait until then so I don’t have to try this again tomorrow.  And try I will until I get so hopeless I don’t go for it anymore or the giveaway ends.  Amazing, isn’t it?  Why is it that for the satisfaction of winning this free little item, I’m willing to spend enough time and energy to earn enough money to buy dozens of them?  It truly is just a mentality thing.  There’s something so fulfilling in feeling like a winner and having this “prize” delivered to you, even if all you did was waste enough time sitting there, clicking to get your share.  It’s a great marketing tactic and I’m sure it has drawn a huge crowd, since the first 15 minutes of loading yielded either a blank page or just plain text with no images.  Obviously, there were a lot of other eager beavers too (haha, BEEvers).  I can’t even focus on writing this post right now because I keep going back to refresh the page.

Recently I’ve entered some other contests as well, but those were far easier because all you had to do was post a tweet and a blog post for entries, then it was randomly drawn.  Not too much of a time commitment, though with the blog entry, some thought and research was required for a semi-decent attempt.  Luckily, Alice is still a new site that people don’t really know about, so there weren’t that many people to go against and I had a very high chance of winning the Aquanotes and Pure Organics Lip Balm.  This week I’ve entered the contest to win a cleaning set that is environmentally friendly and apparently very effective too!  I’m not counting on this one just because there’s only one, whereas the other two they were giving away 15 each.

photo credit: thenaturalbeautyshop.co.uk

photo credit: thenaturalbeautyshop.co.uk

Well, at 10:45 or so, a good hour and 45 minutes into waiting, I finally got the form!  I happily filled it out and now a coupon will be coming my way in the next couple of weeks.  I’ll have to ask my mom to get it for me, but hey, s’all good.  Too bad when I asked Panda to fill one out it was already too late.  But hey, it’s only day 2 of their giveaway, so we’ve got until June 22 to make it!  Next time he’s on around this time I’ll be tracking it to see if I can score one through him as well.  😛  Can you believe I did all this for something worth about $3 retail value?  Panda’s also a huge fan of free things, so he often checks sites and his “sources” to see what good deals there are out there.  Between the two of us, we can get a lot of free things (and probably feel like life is so great)!

I think that free really is just a way to make you feel better about yourself.  Anyone can go work for their money and buy things, but when it’s given to you out of a select few items, that’s just cool.  The same reasoning explains why getting the perfect gift is so much more exciting than buying it for yourself.  You feel like you’ve gained something (even if that something may have been bought with your own money, like in shared accounts or with children who use your money anyway).  Winning prizes or getting exclusive deals may not always be worth the time commitment, but ultimately it’s often worth the payoff in quality of life improvement!  It makes you feel like a luckier person, which makes you feel near invincible.  At least, that’s how I feel and I’ll pay in time and energy!  Just goes to show what some people are willing to do in the name of free stuff!  Are you a sucker like me?

Taste and smell, poor overlooked senses

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
20 May 2009
2
Oh yes, the smell is only the beginning...

Oh yes, the smell is only the beginning...

As I was doing research today about learning methods and styles, it occurred to me that again and again people would mention visuals, sounds, and physically doing to learn.  It could range from seeing a chart or drawing a picture to hearing a speech or talking to yourself, but never once did the sense of taste or smell get brought up.  I guess it’s because people can’t really fathom eating an apple and remembering a piece of knowledge, or suddenly remembering a fact or equation from smelling a certain flower.  So I’d like to ask, why not?  Tastes and smells are just as evocative as the other senses and often a particular scent can trigger far more vivid and emotional memories than any other form of primer.  And because of that, it can greatly affect our mood, whether we realize it or not.  As for taste, doesn’t just the thought of something succulent make you salivate?  And if you’re reacting so strongly physically, surely a specific memory can be conditioned to be associated with a taste.

When thinking about this, I suddenly had this vision of using these strong triggers to enhance learning.  Imagine walking into a final and smelling the must of the seat, which reminds you of the answer for that question on neural circuits.  Then the person next to you, who always sits next to you, moves and wafts some of his cologne at you, which triggers a memory to that question about the frontal lobe’s functions.  Your hand starts to get tired from writing and you reach into your bag for your lotion to help relax  your muscles a bit and that scent brings up memories of that lecture on how the two hemispheres differ.  Next you reach for your water, which has just a hint of sweet that helps you recall how male and female brains are activated differently in doing tasks.  Finally, you pop a few jelly beans in your mouth for a pick-me-up before lunch and that leads you to the answer for the last question.  You then check over your answers, pleased, and go turn in your exam.

Not being able to taste this anymore?! Noooo...

Not being able to taste this anymore?! Noooo...

Unfortunately, the above scenario is not plausible, since it is far more difficult to incorporate tastes and smells into learning.  Because in the end, you taste and smell so many arbitrary things that you can hardly control what you do come into contact with during a test or otherwise, when you’re trying to evoke a memory.  However, sight and sound are easier to replicate anywhere, anytime.  Additionally, we can reenact scenes by will (even if it’s not that well) just by using our imaginations.  I guess that’s what makes seeing and hearing things such common memory aid techniques – they lend themselves to creation on demand.  However, who can make themselves smell or taste something?  It’s pretty much limited to your own body odor (if you can even smell that… we’re so well conditioned to our own smell we mostly don’t) and maybe some bile.  Even then, it takes a lot of effort for a not very pleasant sensation.

Additionally, these two senses are less commonly lost than sight or hearing, so they’re more taken for granted.  When they are lost, it can really affect your mood negatively.  In fact, it’s been found that people who are depressed have a duller sense of smell (this is the opposite effect, but you can see there’s a correlation here).  Can you imagine never tasting food again?  Never smelling it?  That would be terrible.  People often don’t realize how strongly smells affect our perception of taste, so losing either would be quite miserable.  Hmm seems like there’s a huge connection to food and its enjoyment here.  But really, these are important senses that protect you not from predators, but from those nasty poisonous foods and substances!  If you couldn’t taste or smell, you’d need a taste tester to make sure your food wasn’t spoiled or toxic.  In an evolutionary sense, what use is it to see and hear predators coming if you just ate a deadly plant and essentially killed yourself?

Yeah, I know, really random thoughts.  Seriously though, value all the senses you have and relish in what joy they can bring you.  Oh, and this subject reminds me of the Jorvik Viking Centre in York, which uses scents during its ride/tour to give you a better idea of what life was like back then.

eBay: trustworthy?

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
19 May 2009
0
ipod-touch

photo credit: quickshipelectronics

Earlier today I claimed myself an iPod Touch online through eBay, which I’m immensely excited to have.  I’ve been watching some of their sales on the site for a few days to see the average price they go for and decided that it was well worth it.  I just hope I’m in the 99.8% positive review side of things, or else it can get complicated and ugly dealing with it overseas.  Thankfully, I have my mom to handle things on the home front, so she can help check the item before sending it to me.  In doing this whole transaction (only the second time I’ve used the site), I found that people I told all asked me the same questions, having the same concerns.

First of all, they asked about price.  Was the difference in price enough to justify the purchase versus buying it from a store?  Well, it’s a $100 difference, which in the Apple store also means the difference between a 16GB and a 32GB.  Plus, they would wonder… is it new?  Well, no, it’s refurbished, but it would only have minor scuffs and I’m willing to compromise that for the money saved.  If it’s extremely worn or dysfunctional, I can always send it in to be exchanged.

Then they would ask, is it safe?  Is it reliable?  And that launched me into an explanation about how yes, there is the off chance that I get screwed, but 1. being governed by American law, they can’t get too crazy and send me rocks like some cases in other countries, 2. they have sold over 57,000 electronic items and people would have reported them a long time ago, and 3. not only were they not reported, but they have a 99.8% positive feedback rate, which is quite high considering the bulk of sales.  I read reviews where people talking about their item that was faulty or incorrect and they got the issue resolved, so at worst it may be a bit of a hassle, but I can track down a suitable item.

ebayFinally, they would start to settle their worries and would then wonder… uhhh how are you going to get it?  Well, that’s the beauty of a mother in the right country.  😛  She helped me bid on it as I slept and she’ll help me mail it out when it arrives.  I’m quite pleased, since any Apple product sold internationally is dead expensive (in Singapore the 32GB goes for about 468 USD, whereas in the states it’s a cool $399)!  I may not have gotten the absolute best price, but it was close and still saved me tons for what I wanted.  Plus, I got it pretty much the day I decided I was going to go for it.  But it made me wonder: do people feel wary of using eBay?

Lost in a sea

laelene Posted in general blog, relationships，Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
18 May 2009
2

You know when you stick your head in the clouds and get lost there?  Then reality hits hard and you don’t know what to do.  Well, it’s not so dramatic for me, but today was very insightful and may lead to some drastic changes in how I thought things would be.  Ever since I decided to come to Singapore, with so much hope and optimism, I have set my mind on one goal: starting an enterprise with Marylin in LA.  In coming here to immerse myself, I was going to learn what I could and take that back with me to help me build something that would eventually bring her over as well.  Even though I knew it wouldn’t be that easy, we had high expectations and lofty goals.  And there we were, floating, with me taking a wonderful ride on Marylin’s typical train of daydreamy thoughts.  For awhile, we dreamt together, of what we could make of ourselves over there.

Feeling a little lost?

Feeling a little lost?

Then, with months of the real thing, we’ve found that it’s not so easy to work together, live together.  At one point we even joked about how it would be like we’re dating.  And truly, I feel that it would benefit us to treat it as such.  At least if I communicated with her the way that I communicate with Panda, things wouldn’t have gotten to this point.  Alas, when there’s no romantic affection it’s just not the same.  Part of it is that we were still in the honeymoon part of our friendship, where everything was flowery and beautiful.  Now that we’ve spent so much time in close quarters, it’s getting to the point where things have lost their glow and we must face up to the challenges that are bound to occur in any relationship.  But of course, me being the type of person I am, everything just gets bottled up and though I’ve mentioned it here and there, it’s never really been addressed.

And so, I slowly started to notice the rift that was growing between us.  There was not so much hostility as rigid civility.  Not being much of a talker in the morning when we’re going to or arriving at work, I didn’t really mind.  I’m not a morning person at all, so all the exertion in the morning would be bound to wear me out.  It was only more recently that I started to notice we didn’t have much to say to each other at all, ever.  Part of that was due to the sudden divergence in projects that we were working on, but much of it really came down to that divide that had developed.  Additionally, we’d go our separate ways at night, only seeing each other again many hours later, as we were winding down for the day and getting ready to crash for the night.

When I concentrate on something, I really like to give it my all, because it’s not often that I can get into the right groove at the right time.  I get distracted easily, from the music that is played to the comings and goings of other people.  So, when I’m in the middle of something and Marylin gets back, I like to keep that focus.  And by the time I’m ready to ask her how her night was, she’s already on her laptop or out chatting with her parents.  I tend to miss the boat a lot.  There was one precious night recently that she came home very pleased with dinner and we had a warm exchange about that.  But other than that, at night we just don’t talk, because there’s so much going on in the cyber world that it’s hard to keep up.  Then of course, I also spend a lot of my time talking to Panda because whenever I see him, my mood brightens (and who doesn’t want that?).

So there’s definitely been some strain on our interactions, where we chose to avoid each other.  Though there have been many a moment that I tried to convince myself to approach her to say, “Hey, we need to talk,” I always talk myself out of it.  I just keep internalizing everything I think and feel.  Well, today I was having a chat with Starfish and she brought up how people have noticed the change.  That opened up the doors for me to share some of what I’ve been feeling.  She had apparently already heard from Marylin on the issue, so we were brought together to discuss.  From that, I know I’ve got a lot to work on in my… “areas of improvement.”  I have certainly not been the person I am capable of being while here and I’m still trying to figure out why.  So we aired out some of our grievances and got a chance to hear how our respective behaviors have been affecting each other.  Mostly we need to communicate more (and more openly), but, BUT, we also need to figure out if we have a common goal anymore.

It looks like plans may be changing yet again, which is not wholly unexpected, but I got so focused on the goal, that dream that was just out of my grasp, that I didn’t stop to think too much.  Ironic, since I tend to think too much.  But this was something I was doggedly pursuing in my hopes.  Forget all practicalities.  It was something I embedded into my mind and framed everything I did here in the context of.  I evaluated every single task based on how I could do it in LA, how I could make it work in a city like that.  It’s reminiscent of my younger days, when I decided I was going to be a businesswoman and get an MBA.  “But what are you going to study in college?” people would ask.  Oh.  Right… I had inadvertently skipped a step in my lofty ideals, forgetting that detail.  That you can’t get a Master’s without a Bachelor’s.  So then I set out to plan my college career and I guess I thought that this would work the same: have a destination, then figure out the details.

However, setting up a business (or even an extension or a branch of it) is far less straightforward than choosing majors.  It’s even more complicated when it’s overseas, you’re alone, and there’s a huge time difference.  So what now?  I don’t know.  It’s time to look closely at my fantasy and let it fade away to some sort of a reality.  I’m confused, but I know this much – I’m staying here for the rest of the duration to continue learning (and work on getting more involved in everything).  I’m not a risk-taker when it comes to my professional life when I should be, or at least more of one.  After all, what great entrepreneurs didn’t take risks, didn’t stumble, didn’t fall?  Though I know all this in my heart, it’s still hard to convince my logical brain that it’s worth all the struggle.  And really, I just don’t want to have to live off my parents, so they can do what they want with their money and not worry about still supporting me.  Maybe I will need to for awhile, to find my footing and understand what it is that I want from this life.

Entertainment and the internet’s disadvantages outside the states

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , ,
15 May 2009
0
dsc04568

Can you read it? It says: "Catch Bones as early as 24 hours after the USA telecast."

Being one who never really paid attention to TV shows or movies, I didn’t know about the glaring disparity between when shows were available in the US and when they became available internationally. It wasn’t until I studied abroad in England that it started to be more apparent. When I first arrived in Scotland on my way to my school, I saw an ad for a movie that had been advertised back home three months earlier and was already old news. It was then that I started to learn about the time delay in getting things abroad.  It seems that since Hollywood is the hub for entertainment, most shows produced are in the states, done according to our laws.  Once it is something that needs to be prepped for an international audience though, it takes time for licensing, screening, and of course, translated subtitles or voice-overs.  I guess it really surprised me that that’s how it is in the UK because there’s no need for all the translation worries, so it really just comes down to legal issues.

Another thing I was surprised by was how what was legal to watch in the states was not legal outside of it.  So, I was promptly blocked from sites like Hulu once they detected my IP to be outside the allowed territories.  This I can understand, since American laws can only have jurisdiction over Americans and does not extend to foreigners in other countries.  Their own local companies would have to come up with some sort of agreement with the TV stations themselves.  Ok, I can accept that.  I’ll have to find more local sites to offer me these perks.

I was reminded of this a few weeks ago, when Marylin was going through her “CSI Supreme Sunday” fix, watching hours of the various versions of the show all day.  One of the episodes was a two-part series to be continued the following week and of course, not wanting to wait, I went online to search for it.  It turns out that episode originally aired around a year old!  Shocked, I was reminded of that very first encounter I had with this idea of delayed entertainment and a filtering process that blocks people in other countries from seeing things as soon as Americans generally get to.  Of course, films that were created by non-Americans are exceptions, but nearly all American-made productions experience this red tape or whatever it is.

Today, however, I was surprised to find that Angels and Demons is released worldwide at pretty much the same time in most countries.  I don’t know if movies are more likely to get through international barriers or if this is a sign of changing times and a cohesion developing around the globe.  Maybe this movie is merely an exception to the rule, seeking out all international approval before deciding to release it anywhere.  Whatever the case, I think more shows should opt for this (what’s the point in making other audiences wait?).  I can see that potentially a lot of traffic is driven to online sites that offer free viewings of these productions.  I’m sure broadcasting and theater companies would prefer to have them seen on the big screen and on TV instead!

Slightly off-topic, but still related is websites that don’t allow access outside the US, like the Opt Out Prescreen site, the free annual credit report site, and US-only retailers.  The Opt Out Prescreen to reduce junk mail and credit card offers I can understand because if you’re not in the states you can’t possibly be receiving junk mail now.  The one thing I can see is if you are having your mail held while you’re away and don’t want to come back to find piles of outdated junk offers.  However, I feel like the free credit report that we are allowed by law each year should not be limited to being seen to only when you are in the country.  After all, I’m still using my US-based credit cards for all charges, which is affecting my credit, is it not?  So why can I not check up on that if I’m temporarily living out of the country?

Even worse are the retailers that do not let you even look at their site because they serve only on American soil, like cowboom.com.  I was so confused about why they blocked me that I even sent them an e-mail explaining the various scenarios in which I should be able to access their site (and how they’re losing out on potential customers):

1. I am a foreigner who wants to buy a gift for someone I know in the states and have it shipped to them directly

2. I am a citizen who is just out of the country for awhile and I want to buy a gift for someone back home while I’m away (or this period could be more extended)

3. I am a citizen who is currently out of the country, but wanted to buy something to have by the time I got back (which was the case for me)

Honestly, what are you thinking?  If you didn’t track my IP address, I’d look like any of your other customers, using an American credit card mailing to an American address.  Well, good for them, they’ve lost my business.  And unless I get an e-mail back from them apologizing and undoing this, I’m certainly never going to use them, even when I’m back and have full access again.

Growing up in the states we are often so sheltered and privileged.  It’s not just this, but many deeply important ways as well, from the freedoms we have to the things we take for granted and never knew others don’t get.  If only for that reason, I think Americans should get out and not just visit, but immerse themselves in other countries and cultures, especially the ones that are more dissimilar to ours.  Otherwise, you may never know about these differences in seemingly given things that complicate the rest of the world.

California controversy

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , ,
14 May 2009
1
photo credit: examiner.com

photo credit: examiner.com

I’m sure most of you have heard about the news earlier this week surrounding Miss California Carrie Prejean, whose title was in danger of being taken away.  Although it mostly seems to be about her answer to a question about same-sex marriage in the Miss USA pageant, it appears that she also shirked some of her responsibilities.  Now being that I just posted my thoughts on the New York bill, my opinion is clear and I support equality for same-sex couples.  Obviously, I don’t agree with what she said, but I think Trump made a solid decision in allowing her to keep her crown (assuming she now shows up to the engagements she’s supposed to be going to).

First of all, she answered the question respectfully and gracefully (or at least as best she could), starting off saying how she thinks it’s great that we live in a country that allows a choice.  This signals to me that though she may not agree with the idea, she is still ok with others feeling that way and choosing to live they way they want.  Her only reference to why she believes that is because that was how she was raised (any guess on what that means?  Religion, anyone?).  So I give her credit for not saying anything about how the Bible or God taught her it was wrong (of course I’m assuming here that her opinion was from a religious upbringing).

It was, admittedly, a tough and extremely charged question.  Nobody could have walked away from that without disapproving stares from someone.  So to a certain extent, she was set up for failure.  And from what I saw, she handled it well, not afraid to stand up for her opinion, but also very careful in how she talked about it.  Granted, some choice of words were odd, but that’s expected under pressure like that, plus beauty pageants tend to be known for the… interesting vocabulary and grammar that their contestants use.  So all in all, I don’t blame her for how she handled the situation.

I think it was important for her to keep her role to show people that you will not be persecuted for your beliefs and can be treated fairly for expressing your honest opinion.  Yes, maybe she won’t be a great role model for those looking to accept same-sex relationships, but she will be a role model for standing her ground without disrespecting the other side.  We are a country built on freedom of speech and expression, so that is important to maintain.  However, we are also a country supposedly built on freedom and equality – where is that?  But that’s beyond the scope of this situation and is a much larger beast to tackle.  Everyone who looks up to Miss California can rest assured that she was not thrown out for her opinions, or else they may feel that they need to hide their true selves to fit into this world.

But, I don’t agree with her position and I hope that she’ll open her mind to why she was so strongly spoken against due to this issue.  It’s not a small thing to be brushed aside and as a public figure, she will have her run-ins with it.  Change does not come easily, but I hope that she’ll discover how unfair this whole situation is.  Unfortunately, this is a very heated issue, so any mention of it can result in things getting blown out of proportion.  Not that I feel the issue is not important, but, in the end, everyone is still entitled to their opinion and the only thing you can try to do is change that.  So I think rather than publicly berating her, LGBT organizations should try to arrange some meetings with her to discuss the issues.  Keep it calm and civil and you just may get somewhere.

Sheer exhaustion

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , , ,
29 April 2009
0

This is the first time that I did not post my entry prior to going to bed, since I began posting every day.  I like to get it out of the way earlier in the wee hours of the day so when I get busy/distracted later on, I won’t have to worry and I would still have the entire rest of the day to do it.  However, yesterday when I got back last night, a wave of exhaustion just took over me and I curled up on the bed with my body pillow.  It was so warm and cozy and Panda was taking a nap on his end, so I just drifted off.  The next thing I knew, I was waking up to find my computer turned off.  Disoriented, I deliriously turned my computer back on to find Panda again, but fell asleep again soon after.  I can’t recall if I ever did sign back on again or what happened from there, but I didn’t wake up again until the morning, as a storm was rolling in.

I’m not sure why I was so tired – perhaps it’s a combination of lack of sleep, long days, and not enough nutrition.  I don’t feel like I have been overworked or underfed though, so I really don’t know.  In fact, there are times where I am doing background reading and research that feels like my typical internet activity.  It has made me want to get more into social media or business psychology consulting, since I love to read article upon article about those topics.  So that’s all well and good, but I guess sometimes everything in your life just catches up with you and your body shuts down.  I think all the things that were bearing down on me just caught up with me.  I’ve been getting a lot of intense piercing pains and headaches this past month; I’ve never suffered through this kind of cranial pain before.  It’s not quite a migraine – the symptoms for that are far more intense – but it’s definitely not a pleasant experience.  I don’t know why I get them or what I can do about them (I’m not one to take painkillers unless I’m desperate, which happens like once every few months).

Emotionally I have been rather drained as of late.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to recover from being away from Panda.  I don’t miss him any less now than I did before.  I spend a lot of time wanting to go back just to see him, but at the same time I really value my time and experience here.  Still, it’s hard to get up and go out on the weekends when I can stay online and talk to him.  I don’t know why it’s so hard for me.  It also hasn’t been easy to find my own way here.  I’ve been trying to do more things on my own, which is good, but I’m doing it all alone.  There isn’t really anyone for me to hang out with or spend time with.  Not that I dislike anyone here, but I’m used to a lot of different social groups, all with different interests and preferences for activities.

And of course, there’s always the feeling that I don’t have a home to go to and crash at.  There is no space here that is exclusively mine, which is something I’m not used to.  It’s the exact opposite of how I grew up – with rooms to myself for most of the day and often the whole house to myself as my parents traveled around.  Even in college, when I shared my room with another girl, half of that room was mine.  I could do whatever I wanted and often had time alone in the room.  Plus, I could always go home home on the weekends.  So maybe it’s just caged bird syndrome that’s got me down.  It seems that I need to stop viewing myself so much as an outsider and guest here.  It’s hard to break away from that though, since most people I speak to outside of the office don’t seem to be able to understand me.  I feel so out of place when I’m not in the office or just alone and it’s a bit disheartening.

Marylin and I talked recently about how I don’t really interact with her parents, which is mostly why I still feel like a guest here.  I’m used to holing up in my room all day, doing my own things, so it doesn’t even occur to me to go out to the living room to talk to them, or something along those lines.  I’ve tried to greet them here and there, but I tend to be quiet when I do that and it gets lost in Marylin’s own greeting and consequent chatting with them.  So, I just keep walking and go to the room to give them time together.  After all, they hardly get to see each other, much less talk and hang out.  But it seems that my policy of "stay out of their way" is just alienating me and making them… not quite uncomfortable, but you get the idea.  It doesn’t help that I am hugely awkward with parents (or anyone I view in an authoritative position).  It took me a good 10-12 years to get myself to even be able to look them in the eye.

So, I need to work on putting myself out there more, even if it terrifies me.  I just don’t like to stand there awkwardly and not know what to do or say.  Before I left, my mom told me to offer to help with household chores, but that is taken care of the maid, so the most I do is clear the table after eating.  Starfish advised that I just ask them how their days were and I don’t know if I’m just not seeing opportunities to, but I feel like I haven’t really had a chance to say anything to them.  Either they’re watching TV or they’re not around.  Marylin’s mom will pop in on the weekends to offer me food, but by the time I go out to eat it, she’s retreated to her room or is out already.  There was one time she left it on the bed for me, so I just ate it in the room.  I usually don’t even see her dad around, but for when he’s watching a game or tournament.

And maybe it’s just me, but if I’m watching something, I don’t want to be disturbed.  On the weekends when Marylin’s going through her CSI Supreme Sunday fix, she tends to switch channels during commercials, which is something I never do.  If I’m watching something, I’m focused on it and I don’t want to miss out on any of it.  If it’s streaming live and I can’t pause it, I don’t do anything to disrupt that.  When it comes down to it, I just don’t know how to handle those situations.  When is it appropriate to say something?  What should I say?  How do I know if they’re talking just because they don’t want to be rude or if they actually don’t mind?  Sigh, I hate being awkward with older generations.  I’m not a "bring her home" type of friend.  I can’t even call them by their first names – the first time I called someone other than my peer by their first name was when I was 19.  Why am I so stiff?

Maybe this chronic exhaustion is due to too much processing for my brain.  From the work I’m doing and all that I’m learning to the struggles I’m undergoing, it’s a lot to handle.  I worry a lot because I think and analyze a lot.  I don’t like to share any of my stress though, so I’m hard-pressed to find an outlet.  I don’t like to complain and I don’t like to ask for help.  Meanwhile, Marylin will let out a sigh or talk about her frustrations with some of the work she’s trying to deal with.  Since I’m not used to expressions like that, it stresses me out to hear and see that too, especially when she taps her fingers impatiently.  For some reason, just hearing that speeds up my heart rate and makes me more anxious.  I tend to notice small details like that, which then makes things that aren’t a big deal out to be much bigger than usual.  I am a people-pleaser, but it seems that my approach in keeping to myself is not pleasing at all.  Then there are all the things I miss and want to do when I get back, but I’m trying to make myself focus on being here now and doing new exciting things.  It’s hard to be here and focused when my heart is not with me.  Whoever knew I could be such a homebody?

Gosh, I’ve got a lot to work on.

The comforts of home

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , , ,
25 April 2009
0

I miss the amenities of home – being able to go and buy my own food, make my own food, come and go as I please, and just feel in charge of my life.  I had a dream the other night that my grandma was living here; I was elated to discover this because it meant I could move in with her and take care of myself again.  Staying at Marylin’s is something I wouldn’t say that I’m struggling with per se, but I certainly am having some trouble with it.  There’s a sense of freedom in being responsible for taking care of myself.  I’m used to doing most household chores myself and now and it’s weird to have food cooked for me, my clothes washed for me, and my things cleaned for me.  It makes me feel too much like a guest.

Today was refreshing because I took it upon myself to wash some items, but I still feel strange whenever I’m in the kitchen, so I’m certainly not about to pull out a pan to cook myself something.  Instead, I bought myself some salad and fruit to eat, but since I spend most of my time at the office, I’m keeping them there.  My eating habits don’t match up with any traditional method or what people tend to do (however many meals a day) – I like to snack throughout the day and have one or two larger meals, but mostly just be munching every hour.  That’s a lot harder to do when the food is offered up and then it’s expected to be cleared away after a certain period.

I also like to wander around outside or drive around, which is not exactly an option for me here.  I suppose I could always go downstairs for a stroll or a swim (I wonder if I need a special key for entry?), but I feel bad making someone open the door for me whenever I get back.  It’s difficult to find a good balance between doing what I want to and also not getting in the way or being an inconvenience.  I tend to think everything I do is disruptive except for staying in the room, out of everyone’s way.  And so that is what I do for pretty much 90% of the time that I am here.

It’s an unfortunate combination of factors working here.  For one, it’s not worth it to move to my own place – I’d end up paying to be here and I don’t want to dig into my savings (or my parents’ generosity).  Yet, staying with her poses a myriad of conundrums.  I’m very grateful that Marylin and her family have so generously taken me in, but I feel like I have to tiptoe around everything.  I don’t want to use too much of their resources.  I feel guilty every time her mom so kindly buys me lunch that is ready for me when I wake up on the weekends.  I feel awkward asking their maid to do anything, so I try to do it myself, but then I feel like I’m breaching her territory.  I try to stay away from the living room in case that makes them feel like they can’t use that space.  I don’t talk to her parents very much because I don’t want to disturb them.

All these things are nobody’s fault, but just unfortunate byproducts of the situation.  I’d much rather be on the other end, offering my home and resources to others.  In fact, I often imagine how things could be when I get back and after we’ve found a way to get Marylin over there too (and possibly others!).  Of course, everything else I miss about home doesn’t help things either.  I’ve been getting a lot of invites to events occurring on campus and I wish I could be there to attend, as an alumna now.  This weekend is the Festival of Books and it will be the second year that Livescribe has a booth there.  Last year I was there, working the booth as a campus rep, so I wish them another successful weekend!

I’m going to compile a list of all the things I want/should do in Singapore (and maybe nearby countries, if I can make it) and start figuring out when I’ll have time to get around to doing them all.  That’ll help get me out of the house, see more of Singapore, andkeep me entertained.  I shouldn’t spend my weekends lying around all day, drinking water incessantly and doing who knows what online.  Sometimes I amaze myself with how I distract myself.  I hope that before I know it, I’ll be headed home (though a bit nostalgic and sad to be leaving here).

Obama, from a non-political perspective

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , ,
22 April 2009
2

I’m not one to really delve into politics, but what I’ve been hearing/reading about President Obama over the past few months has been all about his forward-thinking and modernness in terms of his campaign.  He’s definitely breaking boundaries with his approach and I’d like to delve into how social media is impacting his presidency.  To start off with, he is the first Generation X president, bringing an entirely new philosophy as compared to the Baby Boomers.  As such, he has embraced a lot of social media outlets and is really quite on top of things – no longer do we have the outdated leader of the past.  It’s really refreshing to finally see the leader of our country making himself available to the masses in the way that he does, from having a Twitter account to keep people abreast of things (although that has definitely dwindled) to posting videos so the masses can listen to his speeches.  Now that’s what transparency is all about.

I like that the image and expectations of what a president is can be changed with him.  After all, he is all about change!  And it certainly is past due for the states to revamp our national leader’s role in interacting with his contituents.  We should no longer expect frumpy old white men hiding behind their desk in the Oval Office, but men (hopefully women, soon) of all backgrounds with doors thrown open and information shared.  Granted, there will be plenty we will not know due to the sensitivity of the information, but at least this allows us as a nation to have a better idea of what is going on.  People never really have a very good idea of what the presidency entails, so if President Obama and his staff can update his blog, Twitter, facebook, and other suck accounts, we can feel like this man is actually doing something for this nation.  There is great potential here to reach out to the United States as a person and not a figure or a title.

I would like to see him reminding people of why we celebrate certain holidays as they come along, to encourage the community to understand what all those days off are for.  I would like to see updates on his social media accounts, telling us when he’s traveling to another country to meet their leader for talks, or an ambassador is visiting him to talk.  I would like to see him bringing attention to the importance of also voting in your local elections.  I would like to see him talking about all the issues he’s looking at, from the ongoing war to environmental issues to educational problems, and the like.  Most of all, I want to see him involving the people, engaging the people, and continuing to reach out to each of us, as individuals.  That’s what I think a great leader would do.

I’ve got high hopes for this man and what he can do not only for the country, but also the presidency.

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