Posts Tagged ‘pictures’

A leisurely stroll

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , ,
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photo credit: Olof S on flickr

photo credit: Olof S on flickr

I think everyone should spend more time walking around the places they often drive by.  You notice a lot more when you’re on your feet going at a slower pace, whether it’s stores you never knew existed or hidden pathways you never went down. Plus, when you see things from much closer, you’re more likely to notice things that you wouldn’t have ever caught otherwise.  It’s an entirely new way of appreciating the very same place you always thought you knew so well, or exploring a foreign place.

My mom and I took a nice little walk when we were waiting for the car to get fixed up at the body shop last week.  As we casually made our way down the quiet neighborhood, we noted all kinds of cool plants that she may want to plant in our own yard.  I noted that there were a lot of the same brand two or three brands of cars around there and that each stand-alone house actually housed two families.  We saw a squirrel hanging out in the shade of a tree and trees with spikes growing on the trunks, which inspired us to think of a solution to prevent animals from stealing the fruits that my mom so laboriously planted.  We noticed the architecture of the houses and the vibrant colors of the neighborhood.  I saw the mailman delivering mail with his bag and we quickly noted that he did so because there were no mailboxes in that area.  We also saw how the first street we went down seemed to have a far nicer feel than the next street, which had more run-down houses and less shady trees to fill the space.  All of that, and we got some nice exercise too.

The same thing goes fora  lot of streets you may tend to rush by.  You may not notice that the store on the corner sells small trinkets in the midst of magazines or furniture.  You may never know that in the display case of another store, is the very elusive bit of jewelry you’ve been hunting for.  Or that one shop has amazing brass handles that are an artwork to themselves, or another is hidden so far from the road you never would have found it otherwise.  You can wander into little courtyards lined with small shops selling a variety of random items, or even find a cute restaurant tucked away in the corner.  A medicine shop sits next to a book shop that holds monthly book readings.  A map of the town waits for you at one intersection, wondering if you’ll ever discover that it will show you a history of the streets you frequent (having not been changed in a decade).

It’s amazing what you can find if you ditched the wheels and let your own two feet guide you.

Cliffhangers

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photo credit: louisvolant on flickr

They love cliffhangers and I don't. What to do? photo credit: louisvolant on flickr

I’ve never been a big fan of cliffhangers, whether in books or shows.  I guess I like to know that all loose ends are tied up and life from that point on will be rather mundane.  I don’t like sitting there imagining what may happen, based on an insinuation or clue that was thrown out just to make you wonder.  I may not need a happily ever after, but I like closure and a sense that the story is over.  Cliffhangers keep doors wide open and that is just not appealing to me at all.  It’s ok if it’s just an end to something that will be continued in the next episode, next series, or whatever, but when it’s the last… that’s just not my thing.

What I especially don’t like is that cliffhangers more often than not are a hint that the evil overcome throughout the entire novel, movie, or what have you comes back to continue haunting the protagonists.  Why is it that the bad guy will always rise again?  I mean, I know peace doesn’t make for good storytelling, but surely people can come up with a better way?  Instead everyone takes the same formula and creates a variety of plots based on that.  Hero(ine) is confronted with antagonist, battles evil forces and inner demons, overcomes the bad guys, but right before story ends, glimmer of bad guys’ not being completely defeated comes back.  Standard for any show these days, isn’t it?  Not my piece of cake.

Perhaps that’s part of the reason I’m not so interested in modern entertainment.  I don’t have the time and energy to follow a storyline, then spend hours fantasizing about how things could turn out in the ensuing time following the end of a story.  I’m hugely curious and I like my answers.  I guess the best I can do is just not imagine too much though, since it’s pretty much unavoidable in any show I might follow or movie I go see.  People really like having more questions than they do answers, don’t they?

What you give you don’t get

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photo credit: net_efekt from flickr

photo credit: net_efekt from flickr

Sometimes I wonder if services are a zero sum game, in a way.  Basically, it seems that whenever you’re really good at doing something for others, you don’t really know anyone who can provide that very something to you as well.  Take that person in a social circle who’s always the entertainer – the one who tells jokes that make people laugh, the one who tells stories that captivate people, the one who plays pranks that amuse people.  I know a few people like that and it seems they never get to sit back and let someone else take the reins.  Certainly everyone can be better off because they all enjoyed it, including the person performing, but I’m sure there are the times when they wish that someone else could take their place, if only for a moment.  It is then that other people win, but that person loses and it becomes a sort of zero sum game.

I was listening to yet another talk, where it was mentioned that a lot of people don’t want to know how a magician does his tricks.  It was then that it hit me that the mystery others feel when they watch magic they don’t understand is lost upon the magician.  A magician cannot mystify himself with the same sort of wonder that this audience experiences, for he understands the mechanisms behind the tricks.  Certainly it’s cool that he can do a certain thing a certain way and make people believe he did something else, but it’s not as cool as just believing he did that magical thing.  So in providing a certain type of service to others, you rob yourself of the experience of being on the other side.  I guess it’s only worth it if the pleasure of providing the service outweighs the loss of the experience.

The beauty of food

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I love food.

DSC03672I eat it all the time, I think about my life in terms of what to eat next, I socialize with people preferably with food at hand.  It’s a great way of uniting people – after all, who doesn’t eat food?  I even go around taking pictures of all the food I am served at various restaurants and gatherings.  Sometimes it’s the presentation that makes it almost too good to dig into; sometimes it’s the delicious aroma that makes your mouth water and your heart fill with happiness.  Seriously, good food can lift your spirits!  The best thing is, it can be enjoyed over and over again – sometimes alone, sometimes shared, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.

Since I think about food so much, it’s not unusual that I often get cravings for things.  The family soup that I never get sick of, the ice cream that I can only take so much of, the kimchi fried rice that I’ll take spicy or sour, the pickles that crunch just right, the chicken pot pie that fills me right up, the blueberries that I gobble up – ah, the wonders of delicious food!  Sometimes I get gluttonous and eat too much, then lay around exhausted by the effort, but I always enjoy it when I’m eating.  My taste buds are happy (though sometimes get a little burnt by my over-eagerness), my nose buds (smell buds? scent buds?) are tickled, and my mind is thoroughly pleased with the results.  It’s a pity I can’t eat as much as I used to as a child, for I find myself with a lingering desire to eat more even when I physically can’t take it anymore.

DSC07610One of my favorite places to go as of late (and unfortunate for my health, I’m sure) is all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ.  Between the cute little appetizer dishes, the tasty salad dressing, the rice paper, the egg soup, and the scrumptious brisket and bugolgi, what more could you ask for?  Sure you come out smelling of meat and smoke, but that’s not exactly a bad thing, is it?  I’m also a huge fan of BCD’s (which I like to joke is missing an A), which is a Korean tofu house that’s open 24 hours.  Who needs Denny’s or IHOP when you can get those Korean appetizers, a small yellow fried fish, a bowl of fresh rice, a stone pot of boiling tofu soup, and a toasty rice soup at 2 or 3 in the morning?  Granted, for those poor vehicle-less souls living on campus, I guess they have little choice, since they can’t get out to K-town.  But hey, as long as you’ve got motorized wheels, you’ve got no excuses!

One new thing (gosh, everything I like these days seems to be Korean!) that I want to try is the Kogi trucks that go roaming around LA.  If I ever catch one (or decide to chase after one), I’m sure it’ll be a fun experience to order some delicious food from the truck after standing in line for ages.  It’s kind of like Sprinkles, where part of the experience is to stand in that ridiculously long line.  In Kogi’s case, if you’re into tracking them down and getting a meal, you’ll have a blast.  In Sprinkles’ case, if you’re into getting fresh cupcakes and observing the “please keep this door closed to keep our cupcakes fresh” sign, you’ll feel like those desserts were worth the effort.

DSC07609The great thing about LA is that you never run out of good food to eat.  I can’t wait to go back to Buddha’s Belly in Santa Monica for some Asian fusion and chocolate fondue, or over to Daphne’s for some amazingly tasty shrimp pita, or out to cha for tea to get the best boba in town and some yummy treats as well.  There’s still plenty to explore, like this other place that has chocolate fondue (which I only knew of from pictures that Opti put up), or the various places lining the streets I often drive along.  From Chinese to Greek, from Korean to Persian, from Japanese to Brazilian, there’s a lot more to try!  It’ll be slow going though, until I find myself a job and have an income again!  For now I’ll just take advantage of UCLA Young Alumni events (like the one tonight) to meet people and try new restaurants.

Oh, and let’s not forget the wonders of potlucks, BBQs, or just cooking with your friends!

The death of a tradition

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IMG_3612UCLA is rich in its culture and full of traditions.  One such (relatively new) one is the ever-lively Undie Run.  By the time I arrived on campus in the fall of 2004, it was a blossoming tradition that I had heard of, but didn’t really know much about.  I spent my first year hearing the rumors, but not knowing anyone to go with or where to find the gathering, I never tried to join in the festivities.  My second year I returned, eager to find my place and I did so by joining over a dozen organizations on campus.  As I spent my time going from meeting to meeting, social to workshop, I didn’t quite find the bonds I was looking for.  And so in the spring, I opted to pledge for Alpha Kappa Psi, a co-ed business fraternity on campus.  My time was sucked up by that, but I still managed to meet some new friends who were the type to party it up.  In them I found Undie Run enthusiasts, so I prepared myself for my very first participation in such an event.

Blocking off the road.

Blocking off the road.

Undie Run started back in 2002, when some guys who were frustrated by the tight control around finals week, with people not allowed to loiter or participate in Midnight Yell and other such things that restless college students are bound to gravitate towards.  As the quarters went by, it grew exponentially and soon thousands of students would gather together on the Wednesday night of Finals Week, then head off at midnight in a herd of skimpy outfits, going along a route that ultimately led to campus.  It was a great way for students to do something just to let loose a little bit in the midst of the stress that intense studying brings (or for the lucky few, celebrate the end of another quarter).  Once word got around and it grew big enough, the police started to block off the roads and monitor the path to ensure everyone’s safety (what would you do if you were driving just after midnight and a hoard of half-naked 20-somethings were running toward you, completely blocking the road?).  As it become more popular, it began to attract random people from the neighboring areas and even other schools, who would line the route and observe the madness pass before them.

IMG_0389For my first time, in the spring of 2006, I got some cute frilly underwear (black with pink hearts and completely useless as normal underwear with way too much poof) from Urban Outfitters on 3rd street and wore a plain black bra.  We congregated at the bottom of what was known as “Rape Trail” (now Saxon Trail/Steps), right on the road where Landfair meets Gayley.  The closeness of the crowd provided warmth in the cool night as we got ready for our journey.  At some point, the front part of the group began to to scream and run and we all followed suit, flying down Gayley, passing through De Neve Court, continuing down Bruinwalk, then up Bruinwalk, and making our way to the destination at the fountain in front of Powell Library.  (Yes, we like to run scantily-clad and scream and sing right outside the library where students are still studying for finals.)  Along the way, some creepy guys were standing around just staring and a few more were waiting at the end of the run.  There’s always a bit of a downside to everything, right?  Some were taking pictures and video and others were just scanning the crowd.

Splashing around!

Splashing around!

At Shapiro Fountain, we found that somebody had soaped it up before we arrived, so many of us gleefully jumped into the sudsy water and splashed around.  It was warm and slippery and messy and exhilarating all at once!  A few ambitious students managed to climb the trees flanking the fountain while others were hoisted onto their friends’ shoulders for a better view.  It was a scene of blissful mayhem and certainly bizarre to the unsuspecting soul.  Many people in the library paused their studies to come get a glimpse of those brave/insane enough to make it out that night.  There were all kinds of odd costumes and even a few socks-only guys running around, making us seem like some wacky mix between Halloween and Mardi Gras.  In the other runs I did, I saw a girl with pasties and another with a scarf as the only thing covering her top half.  There were a variety of thongs and TMI moments that just added to the hilarity of the event.

Wheeeee!  Fly down that hill!

Wheeeee! Fly down that hill!

We spent a good half hour to hour prancing around that space, dancing to the music provided by those creative enough to bring instruments to play.  Conga lines formed and dispersed and LOTS of pictures were taken.  At some point the police decided that we had had enough fun and began to chase us off, driving towards us and flashing their lights so we’d get moving.  The crowd would reluctantly begin to make its way back to the res halls and apartments on the other side of campus.  Sometimes we would take a pause on the rolling hills by Janss Steps, playing in the grass.  When I went with another group two years later, we did cartwheels and made human pyramids for quite awhile, before rolling down the hill.  Cooling down and calming down, we’d make our way back to the Hill, where much of the population would get Bruin Cafe to eat.  The rest of the crowds disappeared into the apartment area, possibly to continue their drinking, possibly to chill and rest.  Quite a few went right back to studying for a final at 8 AM!

Herding us off.

Herding us off.

Alas, all those good memories came to an end for me just before the university decided to end this de-stressing adrenaline rush.  Due to damage to university property that always seems to happen along with the event (hey, with 10,000 people trampling around, it’s bound to happen), as well as concerns over safety from the increasing numbers of visitors unaffiliated with UCLA who show up on those nights.  I’m sad to hear this decision, since it was always a hilariously fun event for me, though I kind of saw it coming with the route changes they kept making and the tighter and tighter restrictions imposed.  The university has been threatening to shut the operation down for a long time now and I guess it finally plucked up the courage.  But as the founders of the tradition say, the police can’t arrest you for running around in your underwear at night unless you are vandalizing property or being a public (usually drunk) nuisance.  So perhaps they will be forced to allow Undie Run to persist in some fashion or another, because if they don’t work with the students, they will just find another way.  Only time will tell now.

Double eyelids

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , ,
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I’m sure any of you who have looked carefully at a Chinese face have noticed that our eyes are shaped vastly differently from our Caucasian counterparts.  We have these crazy eyelids that kind of fold into themselves from the eyelash area when we open our eyes, whereas Caucasians have a crease at the top of their eyelid where the skin folds in.  Sometimes we’ll get this crease in the middle of our eyelid, toward the bottom and our eyes will start to fold in from there.  Well, in Chinese culture, it is considered attractive to have that look, which is called “double eyelids” because now it looks like there are two parts, separated by the flap.

closed eyesI naturally do not have double eyelids, merely single ones, but as a child, if I rubbed my eyes a lot, sometimes I could get a temporary crease.  When I went back to China after high school, I took some glamor shots at a studio, where they taped little clear crescents onto my eyelids to simulate the look.  It was fascinating to me that they would do that and I’ve always wondered if it really does look better.  It certainly gives my eyes a little more dimension and now eyeliner applied along the top layer of lashes wouldn’t get buried in the depths of my eye when I opened them.  It makes for more “Western” eyes, which, perhaps, is the point?  It feels weird though, to have this crease in my eye, with skin folding up around it and sometimes I wonder if it’s one of those things like a displaced joint that needs a little boost to get back into place.  There’s certainly a kind of pressure there and opening my eyes larger makes that feeling even more pronounced.

open eyesSometime while I was in Singapore (and I didn’t notice at all), I somehow developed a double eyelid.  That’s right, just one.  So now my eyes are uneven (much like everything else in my body) and I wonder if one eye looks bigger because of this incongruency.  It’s kind of cool and it has been pretty permanent, but I wonder how long this will last.  Will the other eye change too?  Will this one go back?  Or am I stuck with one single eyelid and one double eyelid?  Since I have no idea how I got the first one to begin with, I have no idea how to make my other eyelid like that, or undo this one.  I guess it’s fun though, to observe the differences side by side and feel the differences when I open my eyes.

The best woman in the world

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photo credit: europa.eu

photo credit: europa.eu

I’ve been going through another binge period of TED video-watching and many of the performances I saw were dedicated to that particular person’s mother.  It reminded me of this crazy phenomenon where so much of the population admire and adore their mothers.  It’s really amazing because mothers (and fathers and grandparents) are one of the most often-lauded “groups” in society.  There’s a certain mystical nature about the influence of a mother and it strikes me as a curious thing.  After all, all mothers were just women before that, and little girls before that.  At what point do they suddenly become wise and caring and protective and loving and inspirational?  I wonder if the hormonal changes during pregnancy suddenly mature a lot of them and prepare them for a life as a role model.  What happens to make women transform like that?  I don’t get it.  Do I just have to wait my turn to feel the magical effects?  Many really rise to the occasion and do a great job in their role.

Take my mother for example.  She’s smart, she’s capable, she’s supportive, she’s patient, she’s skillful; she’s a handyman, she’s a chef, she’s a gardener, she’s a bargain hunter, she’s a problem solver, she’s a nurse, she’s an engineer, she’s a planner, she’s a housekeeper, she’s a financier, she’s a daughter, she’s a wife, she’s an aunt, she’s a mother.  Honestly, a lot of the things she does baffles me and I hope I don’t need so many skills when it’s my turn.  She can fix almost anything in the house, she can scrimp on money to leave extra for me to spend, she can cook and clean and handle our finances, all the while never running out of energy.  I think about cooking sometimes and it makes me tired.  I think about the laundry stacking up and leave for just one more day.  I see the clothes lying everywhere and consider them part of my personal “style.”  Meanwhile, she’s bustling around vacuuming the whole house, hanging up my clothes, taking care of her plants, investing in stocks, teaching herself programming, auditing classes at the local community college, and working on a few projects for her job.

photo credit: parent24.com

photo credit: parent24.com

There’s also truly something to be said for a motherly touch.  It instantly soothes me, between a combination of the warmth, gentleness, and pure psychology of knowing it’s my mother caressing my forehead when I’m ill.  I remember a Vick’s VapoRub commercial that advertised the effectiveness of their solution combined with a mother’s hands to soothe a sick child in bed.  It really struck me because it’s completely true!  A little bit of cooling and heating ointment, plus the soft touch of my mother and I would feel so much better!  There’s a tenderness in that sort of treatment that helps as well, melting away all my worries.  I know I’m safe and cared for.  It beats any other option for recovering from illnesses!

It’s funny to hear how mothers are, as I’m sure many of yours are too – protective, concerned, crazy, embarrassing… they’ve got spunk, they’ve got personality, and they’ve got style that none can match.  Some prance around doing silly things, some make you do silly things, but in the end, you can’t help but love them.  I especially love cross-cultural mothers who have had to make the best of their culture in a new culture.  If you’ve never heard of My Mom is a FOB, you should go check it out.  It’s a collaborative blog that chronicles some of the strange, but ultimately endearing things that Asian-American mothers do.  (There’s also a counterpart for fathers.)  And so has been my experience, with way too much advice and quite a few grammatically confusing e-mails.  But hey, it’s hard to consolidate East and West into some sort of cohesive cultural mold!

Really though, what woman do you admire more than your mother?  (And perhaps your parents’ mothers?)

Symmetrical beauty

laelene Posted in general blog,Tags: , , , ,
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photo credit: ihasahotdog.com

photo credit: ihasahotdog.com

In nature, as in most things humans create, symmetry is often regarded as a form of perfection and beauty.  Symmetry is supposed to signal genetic “fitness” in evolutionary terms.  It symbolizes harmony in more abstract terms and is considered aesthetically pleasing.  Even in the sciences and more technical fields, it allows patterns to form more easily and is respected for its precision.  Most creatures and plants we know have a least one axis upon which is forms (more or less) a symmetrical image around.  We often look for it in the furniture we buy and the mates we choose.  There’s some sort of allure about it and any asymmetry is “tastefully” done so that things don’t appear “out of balance.”  Surely you’ve noticed this?

Symmetry comes in many, many forms and has affected all things from art to religion to science.  For me, it is most apparent in the peculiarities that come of being very conscious of symmetry in terms of balance.  I try to eat equally with both sides of my mouth.  I try to use both arms equally (constantly switching the hand with which I brush my teeth and hair, for example).  I try to not always sleep on the same side.  In all this effort, I have found I concentrate a lot on my semi-ambidextrousness: eat with a fork and spoon with my left hand; eat with chopsticks with my right hand.  Unfortunately, life doesn’t always work out so nicely and it’s unavoidable to drive with my right foot most of the time (I’m still working on the precision of applying pressure with my left foot), or —

Holy cow, I’ve just realized that I nearly thought my default thumb for pressing the space bar was my left one because I’ve been using that, but it’s because I trained myself to do so a few months ago!  Wow, it really worked and now I am far faster and more accurate typing without using my right thumb.  Now I’ll just have to switch back and forth between the two so I don’t lose dexterity in my right thumb now.  Ok, sorry for that digression.

So, as I was saying, not everything works out as well as I’d like, but for the most part I am constantly changing how I do things.  Some are just dangerous though – cutting with my right hand is still shaky business, shifting gears with my left hand could pose a huge hazard on the road, and riding goofy on my longboard could potentially give me more battle wounds and scars.

I'm not imagining it!  :(

I'm not imagining it! 🙁

What I really wanted to address is the unevenness I suddenly noticed a few days back, when I took pictures of my belly (inspired by Katana, who did it to track her fitness).  I have not been this thin/light in many years, so I wanted to document how it looked so later on I can see the difference (and perhaps be inspired by it to not gain too much weight).  After all, I couldn’t see the difference in the weight I lost in the past 5 months.  The only way I could kind of tell a difference was that my pants fit looser and my belly got flatter.  Otherwise, I still have hefty thighs and a fair amount of belly fat.  When I looked at the first picture I took, I was shocked and thought I must not have stood straight, so I took another.  This time, it became apparent that it was not my posture – my waist really is uneven!  One side is a pretty straight line from ribcage to hips, but the other has that kind of “cinched” waist look that is supposed to be feminine.

I’ve always had a slightly uneven backside, with the muscles along my spine on the left side being bigger than the muscles along the right side.  Now it seems I have another problem with my right side being weaker and less muscular than my left!  How tragic.  So now I’m concentrating on trying to put more strain on that side and working it out more in my day-to-day movements to slowly even it out again.  My asymmetrical hair may be an accepted look, but an asymmetrical body… not so much.

Now what am I going to do about the one-sidedness of riding my longboard?

Wildfire

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smoke from southern california wildfires start to darken the blue skies

Clear skies darken.


The sun glows a blood red in the distance, as it shines through the smoky clouds.  Dark orange and brown clouds of smoke creep into the clear blue sky.  There is no movement outside; all the creatures have withdrawn.  With the sunlight blocked, an eerie glow alights your world and casts it in a shadow of red and orange.  The typical heat of the evening sky no longer irritates you as the temperature cools.  The air smells of burning wood and a breath end in a fit of coughs as the clouds settle into a haze and you are surrounded by unseen floating particles.  Before you hurry inside, you notice small things floating down from the sky.  Is it snow?  As it settles, you look down on the ground to find a thin layer of ash is raining down.  It’s time to get indoors before you get respiratory problems.

sun obscured by smoke clouds from wildfires appears to be glowing red

Ruby red in real life.


The next day, you drive to school to find the parking lot empty.  One lone nark (the school’s patrollers/guards) stands at the entrance.  You approach, rolling down your windows, and she tells you school is canceled.  Surprised, you go home and turn on the television to listen to the reports of the wildfires burning through your neighborhood.  The ash is still falling gently so children and the elderly are advised to stay indoors.  Videos of fires are shown along with clips of planes flying by, dumping tons of that pink stuff to put out the flames.  Some houses have been lost already, but you live in a densely-populated area far from the wild vegetation of the hills.  The fires would have to burn through a lot of houses to reach yours, so you stay put.

water in outdoor spa sprinkled with bits of ashes from wildfires

Floating ashes.


There has been an order for evacuation in a neighborhood on the other side of the freeway, a few miles away.  It was a neighborhood you almost bought a house in when moving to this city.  You have friends who live there and you wonder if their homes are in danger.  As night falls, you look out at the view from your backyard.  The once dark hills in the distance are glowing with firelight.  There’s probably still a good 10 miles between you and the closest fires.  The spa in your backyard might provide a useful refuge if the fire somehow makes it this far.  You don’t see why you’d still be around by then though.  You consider packing the cars with emergency items and sentimental things, in case your family needs to drive off somewhere to escape the burning wrath in the distance.  Perhaps tomorrow though; there is no imminent danger.

wildfires at night seen beyond lights of the city in the faraway hills

Fires glowing above, city lights below.


As the days pass, you hear reports of how the fire jumped the highway.  You drive by on your way home and find all but the far left lane shut down as the fire burned next to the shoulder.  By the time you squeeze through, the hills are blackened and smoking from the dead fires.  Their charred faces are steaming unhappily, but they have been subdued.  Firefighters remain just to watch it a little more before they go on to the next site.  Soon the fire is mostly contained – 50%, 60%, then 80%.  School is back in session and you try to stay indoors.  The smoky air irritates your throat and gives you a hacking cough.  One of your friends is out there somewhere, fighting one of those fires.  He posts period updates on his profile, with pictures of what he’s up against.  Finally, one day, the threat is gone.  The fires in your neighborhood have been completely contained and another summer is through.

Failure

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If nothing else, he has been amazingly resilient to ridicule.  photo credit: soundoflife.net

If nothing else, he has been amazingly resilient to ridicule. I respect that. photo credit: soundoflife.net

Failure.  My greatest fear.  Failing to accomplish what I want to.  Failing to meet others’ expectations.  Failing to become the kind of person I dream of.  Failing to live a life I’m proud of.  Fear of failure holds me back, paralyzes me.  It gives me no room to breathe, no chance to defend myself.  It suffocates me.  And most of this is done in a very subconscious manner.  But when I carefully examine my approach to things, I have learned that it all boils down to this simple fear.  Katana wrote about the difference between success and responsibility and it seems that people often mistake the two.  What I have come to realize over the years is that I admire people’s success, but not their responsibility.  So, though there are people who I may think I want to be at times, I really don’t.  I don’t envy the pressure they face, whether from the paparazzi following them everywhere or to their “failures” blasted out for the world to know.  And I fear that sort of judgment of failure.

Even the smallest failures can hold me back from taking due risks, especially when it comes to work or a career.  I am terrified of making mistakes on the job.  I’m threatened by the possibility of falling flat on my face trying a skill I’m unfamiliar with.  And so, I sit quietly, not really challenging myself, or keeping my ideas to myself, in case they’re ridiculous.  It’s really hard for me to put myself up for judgment and I have actively avoided such things.  Though I usually get very positive feedback, even the most tactfully-put criticism stings hard.  I really need to overcome that, but it’s very hard for me to deal with a sense of disappointment.  It’s like I could have, should have, done something, if only I would have.  And that is an opportunity wasted, isn’t it?  Of course, I don’t expect to grab every opportunity that comes by.  Certainly I will miss out on some, but those that I do grab can be far better, if I play my cards right.

However, I’m not afraid to stand out.  I’m not afraid to do silly, crazy, strange, weird, unusual things.  I’m not afraid to be unconventional.  That all goes to mush when it comes to a workplace environment though.  At least throughout my educational years, people are expected to be learning at school, which in turn opens the doors for mistakes.  In the workplace though, people are expected to be doing, which is much less conducive to allowing mistakes.  I was blessed that the environment at C&S was very forgiving, yet even then I always feared that a request to talk privately was just another way to critique my performance.  I’ve always had a deep-rooted fear and respect for authority, whether it be parents, teachers and professors, or bosses.  It’s hard for me to see them as friends or as equals, no matter how well they treat me.  Even though I’ve come a long way in not being held back by these feelings, there’s still quite a way to go and I would be devastated if something I did that was considered bad ever got in the news.

failure

photo credit: twitip.com

I’m slowly breaking out of the grip of this fear, as I gain more confidence in what I do.  I’m actually perfectly fine with putting myself out there to get a job and I don’t mind being judged and rejected for that, but once I’m working, I’m always afraid of how I am perceived by my supervisors.  I’m not afraid of being jobless and I’m not afraid of asserting what skills I have learned from previous jobs.  I don’t mind the idea of striking out on my own, but I’m letting my fear of failure in my parents’ eyes push that aside for a more standard job.  The entrepreneurial desires will have to wait until I can justify what I’m doing to my parents.  I must admit I am a bit fearful of not being able to hack it as a businesswoman though.  I really do believe that I can do it though, and I will work at it until that becomes reality.  I’m not afraid to work hard.  I just don’t want people following my every footstep, documenting every mistake, and discovering all my weaknesses.  I can do that just fine for myself, thank you very much.  I think that’s the biggest driver behind why I wouldn’t want to be a famous star.  I would like people to know my name, but in the same way we know someone like Bill Gates – he certainly doesn’t attract the screaming teenaged girls or stalker photographers quite like the people of Hollywood.

So there you have it, my greatest insecurity.

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