I am a strangely stubborn person.

Singapore National Day photo credit: Alec Ee, photo.net

This weekend, I called up my dad to talk about plans to travel, which my mom is not keen on.  He was open at first, telling me to cut back on the countries and he’d talk to her, but I was unsatisfied with the compromise.  For in cutting back on countries, I would also need to cut back on time and cutting back on time meant having to leave earlier, but leaving earlier meant missing National Day.  Now normally this would not be a big deal, after all, I’ve only ever heard of this celebration recently, but what is important to me is that the people I’ve been working with day in and day out wanted to share this experience with me.  When else would I get that opportunity?  I’m not even sure when the next time I can come back to this part of the world would be.

On the other side of things, I could just spend more time milling around Singapore, but in moving to the new place, we had agreed to a one-month period assuming I’d be gone for a month.  This would then add another week or two to that stay, which is far too much extra to ask for.  And in this situation, it’s not like they’d be able to chase me out, since they’d feel bad knowing that I have nowhere to go.  I guess it goes back to my age-old habit of trying to please everyone at the expense of myself (and, in turn, my parents).  So rather than miss out on the holiday and leaving early or asking for an extension to my living arrangement, my focus was on making both work out.

I wanted to be the ultimate tourist and find scenes like this! photo credit: ishs.org

So though I knew that pushing for more would get me nowhere, I had defend my reasons.  Certainly other issues got in the way, mainly the different attitudes we have towards this period in my life.  My parents are waiting for me to get a stable job (which apparently means one with insurance) but I’m planning on spending these years exploring my options, interests, and capabilities.  At some point my stubbornness took over and it was no longer about what I wanted, but it became an issue of rebellion.  I stopped caring whether or not they’d help pay for some of my expenses and instead needed to express myself.  Perhaps I’m too adamant about getting an unconventional job (and preferably never a desk job again, or at least one that involves a lot of moving around), but for the coming months I’m not about to change my mind.

Now the most interesting thing to come of this was when my dad commented that with my psych background, I should know how to speak to him in such a way that would convince him of my desires so I could get what I want.  Well, I’m not out to use my knowledge to manipulate people.  Sure, I can work it to my advantage, but then I’d be treating others as fools, merely using them as pawns.  I’d much rather be the rebellious, stubborn daughter that I am than suppress that to get my way.  My dad said that I may have won the battle but not the war, but what he doesn’t get is that I’m not out to win.  I just want to make my position clear, which in the end puts me in a “losing” scenario, but I don’t feel the loss.  I’d rather scale down and pay my own way or go forth and find other ways to fund it than owe even more to my parents.  I’m only comfortable with owing them if they’re gladly willing to help, rather than reluctantly agreeing to.

photo credit: weber.edu

No matter what happens, I know two things: 1. I will make the best of it and 2. I will never forget it (though I will not regret it either).  It’s a self-preservation mechanism that we all have: whatever happens, we will find a way to justify how that is better than the other options (otherwise we’ll sink into depression and perhaps end with suicide).  So, if I go to fewer places, I will justify that experience by focusing on the extra time I had at each place.  Even if somehow I end up not going anywhere at all, I’ll justify that by thinking of the money I saved or how it’ll be more fun to go with someone.  That’s just how the human psyche works.  Whenever something we don’t want happens, will find a way to make it seem not so bad or even good or else we’d drive ourselves crazy with regret.  As for not forgetting, I’ll always recall how much I wanted to travel in the fast-paced manner that I spent my time in Europe.  I may not yearn for it too much (after justifying why it didn’t happen and convincing myself why what ended up happening was better), but I will always remember how it could have been.  Sure I’ll get over it (in fact, I already have, since now I don’t have to spend as much effort planning and just thinking about the hectic pace makes me feel tired), but I will never forget these lavish dreams that I had.

Oh the nuances of the human mind.