Cut off from the world

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
11 March 2009
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Even though it has only been three days at the office with no internet, it feels like much longer.  I don’t know if I should be more amazed that we are so dependent on technology or the fact that we could still function and get work done without.  I have been rather disconnected during the day and never feel like taking care of business when I get back for the night, so getting it back will certainly boost my productivity.  It will be nice to have the resources I need to get work done properly now.

Today both Marylin and I got to a point where we were just like, ok we’ve gotten our work done… now what?  There’s more we need to do, but we just can’t because it requires internet access!  This has been an interesting period, what with the move and all.  I really like how the new office has come together so nicely!  Amazing what getting some furniture can do for a place.  I feel so professional now.

Dealing with the challenges of a move and a new space in this case was merged with my overall adjustment, so I’m quite comfortable with it all.  I think everyone else is happy and excited about it too, though the old place was nice in its coziness and forced proximity.  Not that we’re suddenly all ignoring each other, but it’s easier to get absorbed in our own worlds of work now that we’ve got our own space to crowd up.  But I digress.

I am looking forward to having our "connection to the world" again, starting sometime tomorrow.  Otherwise I feel like I’m in this little microcosm that doesn’t interact much with the outside world.  I am very much about interactions and people (lots of people), so that will be nice.  The internet is at once a great resource and tool, but also a great distraction (if you let it be)!  A mixed blessing, I suppose, as was the lack of it for a few days.  Not having such easy access to things forces to reevaluate how you do things.

In this globalizing world, it’s hard not to stay so highly connected to everyone and everything.  I’ve been avoiding getting a phone with internet just so I won’t constantly be online and tied down to the digital world.  I’ve not doubt it will happen someday though.  This progression blurs the lines and boundaries start to disappear, or at least become rather fuzzy.  Personal life and work life can merge, home and office can become one, and countries that may take hours to get to are very accessible via the web.  I’m sure the Type As out there are pleased (and probably more stressed).  Now they can work all the time!

Alright, that’s all from me for now, it’s time to get some rest.

Broken identity (a follow-up)

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , ,
10 March 2009
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Had a long day at work, so I’m pulling from a back-up stash of entries for when I just don’t have the time.

I mentioned before that I have a very complex self identity.  Part of that was all the moving around while growing up, but another part was that initial move.  Since I was only three and a half when I immigrated from China, I could be first or second generation American, depending on how you want to look at it.  That is probably why I always called myself the 1.5 generation (not knowing that it is actually a recognized term!).

I could be first generation if you feel that anyone who personally immigrated is the first generation, or the children of those immigrants are the first generation.  I could be second generation if you feel that the children of the immigrants are the second generation.  However, children of immigrants are typically assumed to be born in the US rather than brought over at a young age.  So, I don’t fit very neatly into any of the more traditional ways of viewing immigrant generations.  It’s all very confusing.

I always grew up thinking that first generation meant that you were the first to enter the country.  However, that would put my parents and I on an even field, which didn’t make sense.  Hence, the one and a half generation – because I was born abroad, but grew up here.  There are plenty of others who did the same and they may be equally confused as to what generation they are considered.

So I never knew if I was an immigrant because I had an alien card or if I was American because I became a naturalized citizen?  Well, as it turns out, these things never have easy answers and I just accept being a little of both.  Neither one really, yet both at the same time.  This is how I imagine it would be to be a biracial or multiracial person.  You are at once all of your parts, but none of them individually, and the sum of your parts does not equal an even whole, but more than that, with the interaction of the parts.

Rather than be confused or upset by this, I find it rather amusing and fun.  It certainly makes for a lively conversation if the topic comes up.  Self identity is such a complex issue; it can’t really be simple for anyone.  So, I like to think of its nuances from time to time, but I never really worry myself about it.  We’ve all got to find our way in life and this is only part of the discovery.  Then there’s figuring out what we to define our lives by, in terms of our hobbies, abilities, lifestyle, and occupation.

This issue is only the tip of the iceberg!  There’s a lot we can identify ourselves with, which changes over time too.  So you know what, I’m not about to have an identity crisis.  It’s cool.  Who am I?  Well, you’ll just have to see.

Change at the drop of a dime

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
09 March 2009
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It never ceases to amaze me how my life has taken some very unexpected turns in the past couple of months.  Somehow I went from my ten year plan to flying out to Singapore to work with one of my closest friends and "British" twin of sorts.  Now I’m in a foreign country in a region of the world that has always been a mystery to me and I’m trying to come to terms with how it at once reminds me very much of my Chinese roots and British immersion, yet still doesn’t resemble either of those countries.

Does that even make sense?  I feel like I’m connecting with Chinese culture through the references and occasional Mandarin spoken here.  Along with that, the British-sounding English accents I hear when I’m conversing in English is reminiscent of my time in York.  Yet, somehow the food is unique though it is similar to what I had in China.  The language is still different and unique to this country.  My mind is all a jumble.  Things are so different, yet so many little things remind me of this or that.

Well, to add to all that sensory excitement, Marylin and I had our first weekly meeting/debriefing with "the bosses" today and some more new exciting opportunities came up.  I’m very open to all the possibilities we have available to us, so I was definitely interested and excited, but I’m also a relatively cautious person, or I at least need to mull things over and really digest it.  I love to analyze things from every angle (so I can usually sympathize with people of all opinions) and it takes time to process things.

So what did we discuss?  A chance to take on a project set to take place in a year in China.  It’s a huge event that will be great experience, exposure, and networking for us.  It will also put our Mandarin skills into practice and teach us more about another Asian country.  Since it will be held in Beijing, I can also be near my parents (if only for a few days) and back in my home country.  So, in theory it sounds great, right?

Well, that was my first impression too.  But later on the analytical filter started to grind and it finally started to hit me – this would mean potentially staying in Singapore for a good year and a half, two years.  Yikes!  With that kind of prolonged stay, Marylin and I would have to look into finding our own place to live, since it would not be nice to impose on her parents for too long.  I’d also have to figure out how to extend my visa, look into getting a bank account, perhaps sign up for a contract phone, etc… you can see there’s a lot of things involved in a semi-permanent relocation.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  There are also so many things to consider first, before I even decide I want to go forth with this!  Marylin and I need to meet with a very important person first, to see if we are suitable for this job and how we get along with him.  I’d need to talk to Panda and my parents to see how they react to the idea.  It’s also rather early on and I don’t know how well I will assimilate into this culture.  The people are great and I’m being fed well, but it’s not stuff I’m used to and I don’t know if I will get homesick once things start to settle down more.

This first week has just been hectic with all the information overload I’ve been experiencing.  Today was the first time that I was sitting there, getting work done and really feeling like part of the team.  Up until now I’ve largely been observing and shadowing, which I will still do a lot of as I try to find my place within this group and carve my own spot.  So really what I’d like to do is work on this project until September, then go back to LA and work from there for a period of time.  After that, I can either return here to continue my work or head over to China to work from there until the event is over.  Of course, that is just ideal, so I’ll be flexible with what I’m willing to do.

One thing I do know is that I won’t deal with being away from Panda as well as Marylin has dealt with being away from her boyfriend.  Currently it’s also more of a strain because there is no internet connected in the new office just yet and with my long days, the only time I can catch Panda online is my afternoons.  I haven’t properly chatted with him since I’ve gotten here and though a week doesn’t sound that long, it has felt like a month.  I’m a bit needy when it comes to talking to him.  It’s too easy to miss him.

So, time and time again I have found myself at these crazy crossroads, with so many paths branching in so many directions I start to get confused.  It will take a little time to sort it all out (and by then the next confusing choice will be upon me, haha).  Such is life.

Close proximity

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
08 March 2009
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One thing I am really enjoying about living and working with Marylin is all the great conversations we’ve been having.  From work related musings to discussions about life’s various issues, there’s an endless array of topics for us to cover.  We have similar enough interests to have a lot to talk about, but we’re not clones, so we do have differing opinions to share.  Sometimes I am still amazed at how similar we are (yet how slightly different we can be too).  I honestly feel like she and I were twins separated at birth, naturally inclined to the same things, but taught and raised differently and thus diverging in certain opinions.  It makes me wonder if having a sibling near your age who you are close to feels like this, but somewhat opposite, with natural inclinations differing, but the common upbringing bridging the gap.  Whatever it is like, I appreciate the time we’ve had together and the discourse we’ve shared.

It’s refreshing to be around someone so much and really get to know about them.  We’ve both joked about how we are going to get sick of each other, which has yet to come, but I’m glad we acknowledge that we may drive each other crazy sometimes.  I’m getting a great feel for how she prefers to do things and how I prefer to do things and how we can compliment each other as a team.  This will be important for our future plans as partners!  That way we can play off our strengths and weaknesses to our maximum benefit.  We have agreed it’s important to keep the lines of communication open and really learn to work with each other, providing feedback as needed.  I definitely believe that honesty (tactfully expressed) will prevent a lot of conflict and keep things going smoothly.

Even though we may physically be around each other all the time, I still get a lot of time to interact with the others in the office and be in my own little world when I’m on the computer.  It’s nice to have this time to grow on my own, separate from her, but also have her right there in case I need to discuss something or bring something up.  It will definitely get more challenging as I get more work to do and we’re both working hard to get things done.  I’d like to branch off a little and work on projects that she is not on so we can expand our knowledge base.  The more areas we can gain experience in the better it will prepare us for striking out on our own in LA someday.  Plus, that way I get a sense of individuality beyond that of just being the American version of her.  😛

For now though, I will be her shadow professionally and socially, since I don’t know my way around the country, don’t really know any people, don’t fully understand the culture, and don’t even have a phone to use so I can’t wander off on my own!  It’s a running joke between us that I can’t hurt or offend her or else I won’t have a place to stay, haha.  But hey, I could just take her place…  😉  At the moment it’s taking so much energy to absorb everything that I haven’t exhibited much of my wacky self.  I wonder if I’m even still that crazy anymore, after Panda’s calming influence on me.  Well, at the least I’m still really quirky and odd, which can be entertaining in its own right, whether or not I’m as verbose and expressive as I used to be.

Singlish

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
07 March 2009
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Part of the acclimation here is getting used to the language patterns.  The good thing is that people in Singapore primarily speak English and some Chinese, both of which I am fluent in.  However, as it is with any country, it takes time to get used to the accent, language patterns, and slang.  This takes me back to my first night in my flat in England, gathered around the kitchen table with my neighbors, freaking out to myself because I could not understand a word of what they were saying.

Sometimes, when they are speaking very quickly or not facing me, I find it rather difficult to follow what they are saying.  Plus, throw in all the cultural references, inside jokes, and other communication barriers and you’ve got a huge jumble in your mind.  It’s taking me some time to sort things out, remembering all the background information for historical and cultural references, what certain phrases mean, and also catching up on what the lingo is like around here.

I grew up learning very standard English and Chinese, so it’s a challenge to understand the accents and local jargon that gets used.  Grammatically things are very different too, which poses a mild block in my mind that slows down my processing.  Plus, I’m used to being very compartmentalized with my languages, rarely switching between them, but now everyone is transitioning around a lot more than I’m used to.  The Chinglish I speak at home hardly uses English phrases and is about 90% Chinese, so I’m thinking and reacting in Chinese for the most part.

I’ve learned a lot since my arrival and I continue to try to keep up with all the background information that I need to try to pick up when trying to adjust to a new culture’s style of communication.  The cadence of speech is very different as well and it certainly has been interesting learning to get used to it.  It’s not that I haven’t heard this type of speech before, but more of the overwhelmed senses I have, struggling to figure out all of this very new information.

I’ve been exhausted lately, crashing to bed without a second thought and happily sleeping through the night.  Gone are my insomniac days, which is good, since I no longer lie in bed thinking about what to do.  However, I have already fallen asleep half a dozen times just writing this post.  So, for now, I’ll let my subconscious brain process all the information from this week.

Relocation

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: ,
06 March 2009
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After dinner today everyone made a mass effort to start moving things from the old office over to the new space.  Stuck wearing heels, exhausted from the day, and left without insurance, I wasn’t much use.  Plus, the boss kindly remembered my strained back and didn’t want me to exert myself too heavily.  So, I did a lot of hobbling back and forth carrying light items, as well as more of the thinking work, like figuring out where things would go and what we still needed to get for the place.

It’s amazing how much stuff there was in the little space we had been working from, which was only 220 square feet plus a loft area of about 80 sq ft.  Now the entryway to the new place is cluttered with various boxes and knickknacks that will need to be put away this weekend.  We’ve got a lot more space now, which will provide a different dynamic at work, since we’ll all have our own space to work at and there won’t be as much crowding around a table together.  There’s a separate meeting room area too, in case I ever need to get away from distractions and really focus on work.

I’m glad I came at this time, to catch a glimpse of how things used to work in the office and watch how it develops now.  It’ll be an adjustment to have everyone on the same floor so we can see each other.  Space was generally more communal with a huge table and benches that most of us shared, but now we’re going to have smaller tables and more consistent seating.  I kind of liked the old way, being crammed there with everyone living like a family.  Now it’s going to be a lot easier to operate more independently and I probably won’t even need anyone to pass me the snacks or help me get a cup of water so I don’t have to try to navigate around them.

This change is all at once exciting and bittersweet and I look forward to seeing how things develop from here.  This weekend will be spent settling in so we can do business as usual from the new place starting Monday morning.  I’m afraid I’m going to spend a lot of time being confused as to what goes where and how I can help, since I don’t really know how things are organized and I have nothing of my own to arrange and organize.  Perhaps I will bring my Joe Bruin bear to spruce up the desk space, if we end up with designated spots.  I can see us just setting up a bunch of tables in that area and people moving around still.  That’d actually be quite fun and nice – still reminiscent of how things operated before.

Time to put on my working clothes and get ready to get down and dirty all weekend!  It’ll be a fun time to work together with these people on something other than the projects.

Thunderstorms and safety blankets

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: ,
05 March 2009
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Tonight was the first time that it rained heavily here since I arrived, with the thunder and lightning rolling in soon after the winds forewarned us of their arrival.  It started to pour right before we got on the bus to go home, so it didn’t affect us until we reached our stop and found that we’d get absolutely drenched if we so much as went five feet in the downpour.  So, to avoid ruining our nice clothes and shoes, Marylin’s mom kindly drove out to meet us.  Even in the mere seconds we took to get into the car, we got quite wet!

I’ve missed having weather like this.  Thunderstorms are actually really interesting and fun for me, so I didn’t mind, though figuring out how to get back was an issue.  Otherwise, I love to try to catch a bolt of lightning or watch it light up the sky.  The variation of claps and rolling thunder also kept my mind entertained as I wondered just what causes thunder to sound the way it does, like big sheets of metal being shaken around.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been in a storm like this, so it was rather refreshing, and of course always comforting to be inside, sheltered from its worst effects.  I love being inside when the weather outside is dreadful to go out in, which pretty much means either this or a snowstorm.  Either way, it just makes me appreciate my bed all the more and I like to crawl under the covers to be warm and cozy.  It makes me feel safe.

Right now I’m so exhausted I don’t want to brush my teeth and wash my face before getting comfy, so maybe I will just sit here for a bit.  I’m staring at my brand new tube of toothpaste, knowing I should just stand up and use it… and so I shall, then collapse into another night of deep sleep, I’m sure.

Spicy foods: the battle between pain and pleasure

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
04 March 2009
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It seems that a conscious effort has to be made to find non-spicy foods around here.  I suppose the Singaporeans tolerate pain better than I do.  And yes, extreme spices can qualify as forms of pain – after all, capsaicin creates that burning sensation and activates nerves much like painful sensations do.  It’s no wonder my insides still hurt from ingesting those spices.

Despite this, I absolutely love certain spicy foods, like kimchi, shin ramen, and preserved vegetables.  They are so tasty and delicious, but I can’t get through eating any of them without gasping for a soothing drink.  It’s a strange predicament to be in, loving to eat something so much, yet not being able to do it without crying the whole way through.  It’s nearly a workout in itself, making me work up a sweat and making my heart race.

So what’s a girl to do when her brain craves some spicy food and her stomach is clutched in fear?  Get a very big drink (milk, if possible, since it soothes best) and brace herself!  It’s like drinking soda and the carbonation is just a little too much, but you love it anyway.  We’re so strange to develop taste for things that generally are supposed to turn us away.  Are we as humans masochistic or something?  What other animal gobbles up chili peppers?  But alas,  that is how it goes and we have countless strange habits and rituals.

My stomach is still burning up a little and it’s been twelve hours!  Yikes!  I’m chewing on some Riesen hoping there’s some milk content in there to help my tummy.  Gosh, I should not have gone for that kimchi ramen, but it was soooo good…

Late night driving perils

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , ,
03 March 2009
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The weeks leading up to my departure I had been returning home rather late at night on a daily basis and I was always paranoid about an accident.  I am always amazed at how many accidents there are on the roads.  One drive down from Valencia to Westwood saw three crashes!  Thankfully, they were all small fender benders, though one did leave a bumper in the middle of the road and another somehow threw a mattress into a lane.

I also saw one across the way upon entering the highway; an overturned vehicle lay in the middle of the highway – it looked bad but not fatal.  I always make sure to keep an eye on other cars in case they are drunk or tired.  I consider it defensive driving.  I try to be alert as possible, but towards the end I was getting tired myself and found that the lines became more of suggestions to stay within as I swayed a little more than usual.  However, whenever I got too close to a line, I’d start to drift back towards the other side, so I never did accidentally cross over.

It seems that no matter what time of day and what the conditions of the roads, there are always people in a mad rush somewhere.  Then again, speeds also feel faster to me at night when the highway is relatively empty, so would often find myself marveling at a speeder only to find I was driving well below the speed limit.  I guess I get more cautious as the lighting gets darker.

Over here in Singapore though, things seem to go by at a more leisurely pace, probably because of the speed cameras that are waiting to take your picture for going too fast.  It was really nice to be driven around the city tonight, without all kinds of crazy aggressive drivers.  I like the atmosphere here; it’s been awhile since I’ve been somewhere that is roughly the same temperature in the day and night, so that is quite nice for me.

A black hole of a purse

laelene Posted in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
02 March 2009
1

I just arrived in Singapore a few hours ago and I’m having trouble sleeping, so I found myself mentally going through the contents of my suitcases, trying to remember if I brought that darned toothbrush or not.  I swear there are items that I specifically packed, but I was unable to find them last night as I was getting ready for bed.  I’m willing to bet that it’s not my memory playing tricks on me, but my luggage.  Smart buggers.  So, I will try again in a bit as Marylin and I get ready to start our first day at work together!  Until everything is unpacked and stowed away, I am not giving up on finding my favorite facewash and that silly toothbrush.  Thank goodness they give you a temp one to use on the plane, or else I’d be using my finger and gargling a lot.

So does this happen to anyone else?  You throw something into your purse and no amount of digging will make it resurface again.  You just know it’s in there, but minutes of feeling around for it yields no results.  You give up on the search and decide that it’s a lost cause and go buy another one or stop using whatever it was.  Then it’s not until you dump out all the contents that it finally emerges from the depths of the bag.  It’s really quite amazing to me how this manages to happen, even in a seemingly small and innocent purse.  But no, those suckers are like a vortex.  Sometimes something has been hidden away in the crevices of your bag for so long you have forgotten you had it in the first place, then suddenly one day you clean out your purse to find it there!

This is the reason I avoid getting a big purse to carry around, or else I’d spend way too much time rifling through its contents trying to find what I want.  I wish they had more pockets and compartments in purses to keep things from falling out of place and away from reach.  No matter how neatly I place things in, they always manage to shift around and I can never seem to pull out that pen or chapstick when I need it most.  It’s like when you try to find something you’ve misplaced – you only find it after you don’t need it anymore.  Now what’s up with that?  Murphy’s Law?

Something similar happens in bowls of soup too, particularly ramen, as my friends and I found when eating some for lunch recently… really, how does a piece of pork get lost in that bowl?!  They need to serve these things with strainers or we may never even know some of the food we missed out on!  It’s all fine and dandy when you’re drinking the entire bowl, but if it’s a noodle-based soup, you could be leaving a lot more left over than you intended to.  Oh the black holes in our lives…

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