Job prowl

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: , , , ,
08 July 2009
0

resumeIt’s nearing the time when I need to start looking for a job again.  As I prepare for my final weeks in this part of the world, I am reminded of the next stage to come.  Then, rather out of the blue, I received an e-mail yesterday, with a job opportunity that I was extremely interested in.  The benefit of having a business fraternity network is that I hear of a lot of openings that I otherwise would not have known about.  Plus, I could get a direct referral from my fellow brother who was about to leave the post for her next venture (it’s a co-ed organization, but since it’s a fraternity we refer to everyone as brothers).

So, I eagerly updated my résumé and drafted a cover letter after reviewing both my brother’s description of the position and the official one provided by the employer.  The duties include many overlaps with my interest areas and expertise, but also has plenty of room for growth and learning.  It’s with a company with a powerful reputation and a vibrant culture, so I’d love to be a part of that.  Also, the team itself is supposed to be a great one to work with and the only down side to this is that the tenure is for 6 months.  However, there’s a chance to get a full-time job from there, or to use this influential name to find a good job elsewhere.

For me, there is another constraint: I am still abroad at the time that they were hoping to hire.  That means that I first need to convince them to allow me to interview over Skype or an IM platform (which I have successfully done before with a recent job) and then I need to convince them to wait the two extra weeks for me to get back to start.  The odds are not high, but I have hope because it turns out that we got this e-mail request for applicants because the ones who they’d seen so far weren’t very impressive.  If they like me enough, I think they’ll find a way to bend the rules, since it’s not that far off from what they wanted.  Plus it’s such late notice, if they’re desperate enough, it could work out.  We’ll see!

photo credit: bc.edu

photo credit: bc.edu

In the mean time, I’ll wrap things up here before I begin my job search in earnest next month.  Panda’s been helping me look through listings to see if there’s anything I may like and I’ll use his account to browse some opportunities on a database maintained by our school.  I’ve got some ideas of types of companies to look for and I plan on visiting the Institute of the Environment at school when I get back to ask about local environmental companies.  Once again I’m not in a rush to start working, as it was when I first graduated in December.  This Singapore opportunity came up rather unexpectedly; I hadn’t planned on working for a few months.  I’m back in that boat again, where I will pursue opportunities that come my way, but I’m not too concerned about landing a job right away.  If I need money I can look to an old job I had, working on an independent contractor basis.  🙂

Second fiddle

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , ,
07 July 2009
0

The type of work that I’m good at leans towards internal support – I usually do research for our business development.  It’s the stuff that fades to the background and gets lost among the crowd of client accounts we’re handling.  It’s what tends to be ignored or forgotten, and is hardly ever recognized.  Yet, it’s critical to any organization, as it is for ours, since we need to stay up-to-date with developments in the field and have articles to reference to create new programs.  I’m used to being in the background unseen, like stage crew in their black outfits to blend in with the darkness.  Unfortunately, when you aren’t seen, sometimes your effects are not felt or understood very well and this can create a sense of mystery about what work you do.  If people don’t know what you’re working on, they’ll often draw the conclusion that you’re not really doing anything – after all, where are the results?

It can get pretty overwhelming. photo credit: awriterinthedesert.wordpress.com

It can get pretty overwhelming. photo credit: awriterinthedesert.wordpress.com

Well, in the field of research, a lot of time is spent searching and filtering through information with little result to show.  So though a lot of time and effort goes into producing just one little thing, all others see is that one thing you did produce.  Nobody knows how many different ways you had to look and all the reading you scoured to get to the end result; after all, it’s only what you find that is relevant that matters.  And to them, this looks like it could be easily accomplished, so your work tends to get discounted in the process.  There’s a lot of room for misunderstandings and certainly a lot will occur.  So, in an effort to curtail this, I’ve decided to take a more proactive approach.  Whereas before I would just report that I’m doing research as I always do, with nothing exciting to update, now I’ve chosen to mention more specifically what I’m doing.

In a way, it’s just to save my own butt – after all, all the stuff we’re doing for clients gets recorded, but the internal stuff doesn’t.  I don’t want people to look back and wonder what in the world was going on for business development efforts.  I want them to see all the areas we were exploring and see the contributions that I made.  This is something I’ve known intuitively for a long time.  After I started here, I kept a running list of things that I had worked on so I could look back and appreciate what I’ve done and what I learned from that.  This way I have solid proof and examples to use when I look back on my experience and I can at least vaguely measure how I grew professionally.  For this line of work, you either need to stand up for yourself or just allow yourself to be used as a stepping stone for the other work.  There won’t be anyone to look out for you and make sure that your efforts are recognized, save for the leader who notices and appreciates (like Starfish, who made a point to thank Skim and I for our work).

First chair recognizing the rest of the orchestra. photo credit: merinospace.com

First chair recognizing the rest of the orchestra. photo credit: merinospace.com

I think it’s something important for any leader to look out for.  When you don’t neglect those who often are, it means a lot to them.  In any team, you will need people to be front runners and, in musical terms, first chair.  However, it’s equally important that you have a strong “second fiddle” and entire orchestra to truly play wonderful music.  Without those to harmonize, you’re left with a solo act that can have its own benefits, but will never compare to an entire symphony.  Only by taking care of all your people can the engine of the business run smoothly.  It’s a good lesson for my future intentions to start my own firm.  The problem is, I’m going to need to be more of a first chair to be able to start a company.  I could try to find a business partner to be my counterpart, but being second fiddle doesn’t mean I don’t want to be recognized.  It just means that with my skills, I’m better at producing a different type of sound to complement that of first chair.  I guess the question is: Do I have the willpower to take on both roles?

Habits die hard

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
06 July 2009
0

Habits are these persistent still suckers that get ingrained in your very subconscious, affecting how you behave often in ways that you can’t help.  Since you’re so used to doing things that way, it takes a lot of conscious effort to change how you do it.  Even a lot of effort may not always be effective, though with time they can slowly take effect.  I’ve been having trouble with this for awhile now, with a very silly behavior.  You see, I’m a fidgety person – I like to move around.  Well, one of my fidgets is clapping the palm of one hand on the loose fist of the other hand.  Can you imagine what that looks like?  Turns out it’s considered an insult in Singaporean culture.  -___-  Hence, I will not take a picture to show you what it’s like.  I’ll leave that to your imagination.

I think this is a pretty safe universal sign. photo credit: wpclipart.com

I think this is a pretty safe universal sign. photo credit: wpclipart.com

It seems that I like to do it for the very reason it is considered rude – there’s a nice echo and a sort of popping noise you can make by slapping your hands together like that.  I also snap my fingers and crack my knuckles because of this desire to make small movements and create a little bit of sound.  It breaks both the monotony of staying still and being quiet at the same time (which usually make me feel antsy).  Unfortunately for me, I was caught doing this by a very shocked Starfish, who immediately gasped at my gesture and frantically asked me what I was doing.  It was also brought up once when I was out with Mizu and some friends.  Throughout the rest of that night, I found myself catching myself right after doing it, then hiding my hands or trying to keep them from moving around so much.  But time and time again, my hands would find their way from under my legs or untangle themselves from an interlocked clasp to do that action again!  It really is difficult to adjust behavior.

This reminds me of my first few weeks in Singapore, when Mizu was overcoming a tendency to overuse “actually” with the help of Starfish and Marylin.  Whenever we caught him using it when it wasn’t necessary, someone would be there to clear their throat and ask, “Actually?”  Whether he was speaking to us, on the phone, or presenting, Starfish and Marylin kept a close ear on what he was saying.  With that sort of persistent watch kept over him, Mizu quickly learned to stop using it and it’s been a long time since he’s used that sentence more than once in a sentence.  (Because, actually, when do you actually need to actually use it so many times in a sentence, actually?)  😛

photo credit: weightlosswiththefabulousfatties.wordpress.com

photo credit: weightlosswiththefabulousfatties.wordpress.com

The good thing about behavior is that you don’t need to spend too much time thinking about doing it because it’s rather automatic.  However, for that same reason, it can come kick you in the butt because you may automatically do something that you don’t want to or shouldn’t.  It’s a trade-off between having more brain resources that can be directed to other thoughts and doing things that you may regret and will have trouble not doing.  According to popular knowledge and based on research, it takes 21 days to break a habit.  I think I’m nearing that mark…  Ultimately, it really is important to develop good habits at a young age, so you don’t have to work so hard to try to adjust your behavior when you’re older.

Take right now, for example.  I’ve made a lot of typos because I’m training myself to type with my left thumb and keep my right thumb off the spacebar.  Since I’m not used to that sort of coordination, I make the strangest typos without even realizing at times, because my brain sent the right signal, but my fingers didn’t execute properly.  Similarly, everyone has certain typos that they tend to make frequently (and often this doesn’t get corrected because of autocorrect) because of how they learned to type.  I know I always stumble on certain words and almost never get them right on the first try.  I remember I noticed that Katana used to do that a lot with “the,” which always came out as “teh.”  Such things are natural when you start typing quickly, but it’s still interesting to compare what I mess up on versus someone else.  Old dogs are slow to learn new tricks, aren’t they?

In the mood

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: , , , , , ,
05 July 2009
0

[edit: It seems what I’m referring to here is often called flow.]

When it comes to writing, I really need to right conditions to work.  If ever I’m not “in the mood” to be writing, whether it’s for a paper, my blog, or my journal, I get a bit antsy trying to work through it.  However, if I am in the mood, I can go on and on without sleeping or eating.  That’s how I was with reading when I was a kid – it was my number one priority and the only time other things got in the way was when it started to prevent me from reading (like getting too hungry to concentrate).  The good thing is usually I’m at least mildly in the mood, so it’s not too bad to make myself get something done.

photo credit: teensygreen.com

photo credit: teensygreen.com

There are times when I really get focused and in the zone.  Take right now, for example.  Suddenly all the ideas for blog entries are starting to flow and I’ve written one draft after another (mostly all centered around the idea of my journal, since that’s been on my mind lately).  It’s refreshing, since it’ll probably come in useful next week as I head off to my travels and won’t really get time to write.  At least then I’ll have a nice back stock to choose from, which can easily be published with a quick edit.  Plus, these extra entries that are not time-sensitive are great for when I just don’t know what to talk about for a particular day.  You can always be so inspired, after all.  I also keep a running list of topics to cover that I may think of at any point, whether I’m out walking around or just surfing websites.

It’s also when I’m in the mood like this that I’m tempted to catch up in my journal, but I’m also afraid that I’ll get so into it I stay up into the wee hours of the morning.  As of now I don’t have the luxury to lose out on sleep like that, so I’m putting it off, much to my dismay, in the hopes that I’ll fit it into my schedule when I’m job searching starting next month.  I just hope my fun-loving self doesn’t get too wrapped up in going out and having fun all the time (though that isn’t so bad now, is it?).  There’s so much that I want to do when I get back though, so it will hard to resist going out all the time.  Unfortunately, my notes for my journal are now electronic, so it’s far more difficult to use them to write my entries as compared to when I used to have them in a handy little notebook.  Oh, perhaps I can find a way to transfer them to my iPod!

I just tried it and it worked!  This is excellent, now I just hope I won’t be too tired to write when I’m traveling the next two weeks.  Flights are only an hour to three hours long, so I don’t know how well I can focus, but at least there’s hope now!  I’m also super anal about how I write – there are designated sets of pens and markers and I must use each in the right order, so that’s a bit of a drag to haul around.  Nonetheless, my purse is big enough to handle it, so I’m excited at the prospect of finally starting to catch up again!

Simple pleasures

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
04 July 2009
0

DSC05171It was a lovely day today and I had an equally lovely time going on an outing with Skim for the afternoon.  We met up at Bugis MRT and got on a bus that took us out to East Coast Park, where we were able to rent two bikes and take a nice ride.  A mere two minutes into our journey we nearly crashed into each other, as I tried to unsteadily pass my camera to her.  I never knew my right hand was so weak at maneuvering!  The opposite was for her, as she had trouble with her left hand, so there we were, a complete screaming disaster as we saved ourselves from near destruction.  I then switched to be on the left side and we managed to make the pass so she could take some pictures for me.  Why we couldn’t just stop our bikes like normal people I don’t know.  It’s far less exciting that way!

Doesn't that look like fun?

Doesn't that look like fun?

We went along the path and enjoyed cooling breezes from the ocean, quiet stretches in woodsy areas, and navigating around the sudden influx of people that would come upon us.  It was a lot of fun to be out in the sun and going through natural areas as we chatted about a variety of things, like our thoughts on careers and the type of work we do.  Along the way we stopped to watch some wakeboarders, parasailers, and windsailers having fun out on the water.  I don’t know if I’m fit enough to do that kind of thing, but I’d sure like to try someday!  First I want to learn how to surf though, which hopefully will be good for my sense of balance.  I’m really interested in water sports in general, so I hope I get around to trying all of them at some point.

DSC05184The one thing that wasn’t so enjoyable about the ride was when our butts started to get sore about two hours in.  I kept shifting around in an attempt to put weight on different areas, but once we stopped for a quick snack, we both felt the soreness creeping us.  At first walking was a little strange and I wondered if this is how it feels to get off a horse after a long journey.  I’ve only ever been on horses for brief times, about an hour or so, so I never got the bow legs that others have.  We were right by the ocean at that point, so we went down to the water so I could at least say I touched the ocean water here.  It’s a lesson from my trip to Australia that I’ve never forgotten – going in the water is something so simple, yet it’s something I didn’t do in the Gold Coast, so I’ll never repeat that mistake again.

This time, I took some jumping shots and it looked so fun that Skim decided she’d get her feet wet for the sake of that.  Normally she wouldn’t want to touch that water because there’s a fair share of trash in it, but jumping over water is pretty awesome, so she just had to give it a try too.  What a fun day!  🙂

Los Angeles

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: , , , , , ,
03 July 2009
0
Driving to UCLA with the Getty up front.

Driving to UCLA with the Getty up front.

I never thought I’d truly settle down in a city until I was older, closer to my 30s, but I may just find myself in LA indefinitely.  Though I still want to work in other cities for a few months at a time, I think that home base will still be in the sunny landscape of Southern California.  Much of this has to do with Panda’s preference, since he is a born and breed Los Angelian (or whatever they’re called).  This city is all he’s ever known and all he cares to, at least when it comes to living.  I’m fine with that as long as I still get a fair share of travel and interstate and international time.

As my departure date draws near, the anticipation for all the things I’ve missed grows – I keep imagining how it will be like to see Panda again and hang out with my old friends.  There are plans to go to Six Flags, eat all you can eat Korean BBQ, chase after the Korean taco truck, pig out on Red Mango/Pinkberry, go do yoga on Santa Monica pier, skate around, enjoy the beach, get the best boba in the world, and so much more.  The greatest thing about Los Angeles is the breadth of activities that you can do.  Granted, everything is rather spread out and parking is a hassle, but it’s not so bad.

Just another day on the job! :)

Just another day on the job! 🙂

I also miss bumming around at my house and hanging out around campus.  Panda’s moving to his new location for the year soon, so I’m also excited to go see it (and have a place to crash :-P).  Some of my friends are still going to be on campus, so when I miss my undergrad days, I can just go visit them too.  It’ll be nice to see the places that I’ve gotten so familiar with and be able to drive around again.  It’s a terrible internal conflict between wanting to drive around on my own and enjoy the peace of that, versus not wanting to be a polluter.  I’ll just enjoy the drives I do need to make and hope that the traffic isn’t too bad.

I’m sure that when it comes time to actually leave Singapore, I’ll miss it a lot, but right now I’m still here and able to hang out.  I’m happy that I’ll be getting back early enough to catch some Orientation sessions – after all, that defined my summer last year and it was so much fun.  I can’t wait to go visit and see how things are this year.  Things have changed a lot in the past year and it’ll be nice to get back in touch with old friends.  I’ll never forget my Orientation experience, not only because I met Panda, but also because it had been my dream since starting at UCLA.  Being able to fulfill that in the last summer I would have the chance is truly a blessing.

Life stages

laelene Post in general blog, relationships，Tags: , , , , , , , ,
02 July 2009
0

I was recently found on Facebook by an old middle school friend, which then prompted quite a discovery journey for me.  She and I only have two friends in common since she’s new to FB, so I went to check out those profiles too.  One of them was my best friend from those St. Louis days, who I haven’t heard from in years.  I stopped by her profile to find that she’s engaged!  I still remember the days when her parents were still so overprotective that they wouldn’t let her sleep over at a friend’s house until she was about 12 or 13 (my house was her first sleepover, and probably only because we were a Chinese family too).

She got engaged on Halloween - how cool! photo credit: her FB

She got engaged on Halloween – how cool! photo credit: her FB

From there, I was checking out a bunch of my other friends’ profiles and so many of them are engaged, married, or are starting families!  It’s really amazing to remember them the way I do as young teenagers and look to see what their lives are like now.  We’ve all grown up so much.  I guess it’s such a shocker for me because I never watched them grow up and my last memory of these people was in middle school, when we were still in our awkward phases.  It’s wonderful to be able to see where they are in their lives now, from planning a wedding to starting their careers.

I think the 20s are the most exciting years, what with many educational, personal, and professional milestones concentrated in that decade of our lives.  It made me think about how each of us is reaching a different stage in our lives – from those who are still finding their way to those who are settling down.  I think marriage and children are still more rare in my peers right now, but in another decade, that landscape will likely change drastically, with the opposite true.  It’s fascinating for me to see the type of people each of ends up with and the lifestyle that we fall into.

Ah, the rings... I much prefer silver to gold. photo credit: katargonza.com

Ah, the rings… I much prefer silver to gold. photo credit: katargonza.com

I know for sure that if I had not moved to California, my life would be immensely different.  One thing I’ve noticed was that my Asian friends from years past (which totals to a mere three) have all settled with Caucasian boyfriends/fiances.  I always thought I’d end up with one too, and more than likely would have if I hadn’t moved to SoCal, where the density of Asians is much, much higher.  Our surroundings play such a huge role in how our lives turn out, from the things we encounter to the people we’re exposed to.  I wonder if the environment in the Midwest and out East had anything to do with their decisions to get married at this age.  Maybe it’s just my sentiment, but I’d rather get my career underway first and that seems to be the vibe on the West Coast.

Nonetheless, I am intrigued to see who is married, who is engaged, who has a kid, who is still dating, and who is still single.  I don’t know why I find it so interesting, but I love going to people’s profiles to see their relationship status.  In fact, this prompted me to start going through all my friends to see what they have listed.  Other than the few who are married or engaged, I will likely forget the rest, but it’s still fun to explore.  It’s also a nice update, since some have changed their names and initially I was quite confused by their new surname.  I’ve never really thought about it, but when I did, I realized that I am far too attached to my name to just change it like that.  Panda’s ok with that (yay), so I can rest assured that I didn’t buy my domain for nothing.  😛  It’s still weird to think that the kids will have a different last name though.  I hate hypenated names though, so I’d rather they take his than try to do some awkward combo (unless we’re allowed to do some hybrid spelling?  o.O).

So, where are all your friends at?  Where you thought they’d be?

Best Job in the World

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: , , , , , ,
01 July 2009
0
Ah, back when I was visiting Australia...

Ah, back when I was visiting Australia...

Today marks the official first day of Ben Southall’s new job as Island Caretaker on Hamilton Island.  For those who don’t know, he competed to earn this job through a highly publicized “Best Job in the World” campaign that has seen its copiers: The Next Best Job (which had to be canceled due to the economic downturn) and A Really Goode Job (yes, it’s supposed to be spelled like that).  Back when this Australian opportunity first appeared, my mom showed it to me and suggested that I apply.  Were it not for the video entry, I probably would have, but video is not my forte.  I love to blog, I love to swim, I love wildlife, and I love what I’ve seen of Australia, but I do not want to spend hours editing film footage to vlog about.  Another thing stopping me from going crazy over this chance to live and work in Australia is the lack of company.  I’d have to live alone, or maybe bring my mom along, but everyone else in my life would be far too busy to join me.  Other than that, it’s really an amazing job and I’m sure Ben will have a spectacular time.

This was truly a great publicity stunt on the part of Queensland tourism.  It generated a lot of buzz and coverage because of its unusually generous offer.  Plus, they had international reach, with nearly all finalists from different countries.  Additionally, it didn’t take much effort on their part to set it up and share the news.  I’m sure a lot of viral marketing took effect to help spread the word, like how I found out from my mom.  Now that the hype’s over and things have settled down, I wonder how Ben will do in maintaining public interest in his activities.  I wish I could do something similar to that, visiting all the exciting places in a beautiful place like that (or, even better, in an entire region of countries).  I also wish I could do something fun like Matt, going around the world and doing a silly dance like that (and sharing the joy of the goofiness of it all).

Ben Southall

Ben Southall

Of course, this “dream job” is not without its challenges, what with the constant updates on various social media mediums and the constant activity.  I’ve never really wanted to be famous because I don’t want people tracking me all the time and I want the freedom to be lazy on the weekends or sleep through something I shouldn’t, or any number of the other flaws that people have.  Looking at his itinerary so far, it’s like bam, bam, bam – visit here, visit there, and then off to the next place.  I hope he has more down time, or else it could get quite tiring to be trying things all the time without a day or two to lounge around in bed or not have to absorb everything new and think of how to write about it.  Overall, I’m sure it’d be absolutely fabulous to do what he will get to in the coming months and I look forward to keeping a loose eye on his activities.  I look forward to the day that I can go to Australia again, and this time actually go in the ocean!

Transformers thoughts

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: , , , , , , ,
30 June 2009
1

*If you haven’t seen Transformers, there may be some spoilers.

TRANSFORMERS

photo credit: howstuffworks.com

We had a fun little outing with most of the company to eat dinner and watch Transformers tonight.  I’m not a big fan of robots and aliens and that type of action film, but I thought I’d come along to just hang out and see what all this hype about Megan Fox is all about.  All in all, it was kind of as I expected – a whole lot of metal with some hot girls thrown in, but nothing that really grabbed me.  Still, I tried to immerse myself in the story as best I could and felt a bit sad here and there when a character died.  However, I couldn’t help but think of all the things that didn’t make sense to me (like how these robots don’t just stomp out all the people when they’re fighting and how Optimus’s body was unharmed during that huge long battle).  It also didn’t help that I heard giggling at entirely inappropriate times, which makes a weak plot even less impactful.

I spent a good portion of the movie trying to understand the point of most of the characters – it seemed that they weren’t really needed.  Eventually I came to the conclusion that they were thrown in pretty much for just one purpose each: for the girl, to be the one trying so hard to bring him back; for his roommate, to lead him to the deli; for the deli guy, to lead them to the old plane guy; for the old plane guy, to sacrifice himself for the final battle… you get the point.  Really it was just about the special effects and I’m sure most people went for that (as well as some peeks of those two chicks’ bodies).  I did enjoy all the military gadgets that it showed though – I’ve always had a soft spot for a fighter jet flying overhead or anything else that rumbles so loud I feel it in my heart.  Plus I just adore the military in general, so it was nice to be reminded of some details from my military experiences.

The one thing that it did get me to think about was the whole “I love you” issue.  I’m still waiting for Panda to say that to me one day.  Though the word love has been thrown around here and there, I don’t think he’s ever said that phrase and I wonder when he’d be ready to.  Well, at least there’s no rush – it’s only been a year and there are still many years to go!  It’s interesting how reluctant people are to say that and it was a random theme that stretched throughout the course of the movie.  I don’t understand how Sam knew that the girlfriend said it first when he was unconscious and apparently talking to some old robot machines during that time.  But hey, it’s the movies for a reason, right?

Sense of self (worth)

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: , , , , , ,
29 June 2009
0

I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day and found that I’ve lost a bit of my sense of self (and self worth).  We were discussing my next steps when I go back to LA and I found that I’m rather confused.  There are a lot of things I want to do with my life and a lot of things I don’t want to do.  Between all of those desires, it’s hard to choose what exactly to do now.  Part of this had to do with my lofty goals of starting my own environmental consulting firm (or perhaps eco-consulting is more accurate).  There’s so much I need to do and learn and know to get that off the ground and sometimes I lose sight of how to do that.  However, talking to her has helped me get hope again, and find a better focus for my job hunting to come.

Reconnect with the lion within.

Reconnect with the lion within.

I’d slowly been losing faith in myself, finding that maybe I don’t have what it takes to be an entrepreneur, a business owner, a CEO.  Though that’s always been my dream since I started thinking of what path to take my life on after high school, the work I’ve been doing has shown me that what I’m good at is not leader of a company material.  Instead, I’m far better playing second fiddle, doing all the background work and behind the scenes stuff to keep the front lines moving.  I tend to be strong with research, but that’s not what will take me to where I want to go.  There are a lot of areas I’m weak in, like interacting with people and managing things holistically.  Seeing this has slowly ground away at my self-confidence and blind faith in myself to make it somehow.

Additionally, I lost a lot of faith in myself since coming to Singapore because of the many obstacles I’ve been struggling with.  From the cultural barriers to more personal issues that have cropped up, each time it left me wondering what I’m doing wrong, what I’ve been doing wrong, and why in the world there are so many misunderstandings.  After a lengthy conversation with Typea, I began to see so many misunderstandings stemming from my Western upbringing.  There are so many small things that you would never really know about because it’s usually not worth mentioning.  But add them all up and you’ve got a very inaccurate interpretation of who you are and why you do what you do.  Singapore is still an Eastern culture after all, despite all the Western influence they may have.

It’s kind of funny, because now I’m starting to see Singapore much like myself.  It’s neither here nor there, with English as a primary language, but Asian cultures still dominating the way of life.  Similarly with me, I’m neither Chinese nor American, but Chinese-American and as anyone who has studied complex systems can attest, the sum of parts is greater than the whole.  What that means for me is that I’m not simply Chinese mixed with an American; the interaction of the two produces an entirely new result altogether.  Yet to those who have not grown up knowing what that is like, that’s a hard thing to understand, so they just assume I’m both put together.  Unfortunately, that means they expect me to know a lot more of the nuances of claiming either identity than I actually do.

Still foreign.

Still foreign.

What I have trouble accepting is that I can’t do anything about it.  One of the quirky things about Asian culture is that nearly everything is suppressed.  People aren’t straightforward, but rather expect you to insinuate what they want and what you should do.  Not being armed with the right tools to figure this out, I am left to flounder and come up with completely bizarre conclusions (in their eyes, at least).  It’s frustrating because I just need pointers and guidance (albeit a lot) to help me along.  Also, because I look Asian, there is less leeway or forgiveness for many transgressions because it is assumed I should know.  If I didn’t look so, I think I’d either get written off as a foreigner or people would be more patient with the mistakes I made.  I always had that luxury as a child though, because whenever I went back to China to visit, I was with my relatives who knew how different I was, so they didn’t expect me to be like them.

So, my ego has taken a hard blow and it doesn’t help that no matter how hard I try, it doesn’t make things better.  I’ve been told quite a few times to just let it go – what is, is.  But to me, that’s like giving up.  Here I am in a foreign culture – how could I not try to adapt?  The difference is sometimes too great though, so to some extent I want to stop trying so hard.  I spend all that time and effort to avoid stepping on people’s toes or giving them the wrong impression only to do so anyway.  Is there still a point?  I’ve got one more month here and two of those weeks will be spent as a tourist going around to other countries.  There certainly isn’t time to fix things as I’d like, but should I keep trying anyway?

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