((little fat notebook))

Fatigued

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: chatty, circle, food, games, health, sick, singapore, typea

18 June 2009

Well, the library trip got canceled and I was instructed to stay at home, so I spent my Thursday mostly lying in bed but for the time I was downstairs eating some lunch. Between Bubble Bang and Bejeweled, I passed away the time in a bit of a stupor. I felt clammy and weak and pretty much just bummed around to try to recover. I have been given Vitamin C pills to be taken twice daily and a bottle of cough syrup to be ingested thrice daily. I am warned that the syrup may cause drowsiness – I wonder if that’s why I feel so lethargic.

Lying around all day certainly wasn’t good for my weak blood flow, so when I stood up at night to go eat a little dinner, I found myself getting lightheaded. The world turned black as the blood rushed from my head and I got dizzy, but I was used to this feeling so I just stood very still waiting for it to pass. Unfortunately, it seemed I was far more feeble then I anticipated, so the next thing I knew an image of the TED video I had just watched flashed before my mind and I was jolted back to consciousness with the loud clanging of my medicine bottles and iPod clattering to the ground. My knees had given from under me and I was in a strange sort of kneeling/sitting position.

I quickly gathered up the things I had dropped and heard Chatty and Typea’s brother (I’ll call him Circle) asking each other if that noise came from them. I made my way to the hall to apologize for the startle and then proceeded downstairs to eat something. There’s an area on the back on my head that feels odd, kind of like there’s a pressure or weight on it. My mind feels cloudy and though I can do everything without much fuss, I feel easily drained. Nevertheless, my throat is not sore anymore (however I did get a few strange croaks when I was talking) and I have not had a fever, runny nose, or deep coughing.

I’d really like a jar of pickles. I think I’ll buy some tonight on my way back. (Yeah, I know, strange craving that may or may not have to do with how I feel… but hey, to me it’s comfort food, so that’s good enough!)

Sick

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: doctor, experiences, food, health, mizu, pictures, sick, singapore, starfish, typea, weight, work

17 June 2009

I got sick today for whatever reason, so I’m too lazy to write too much. I’m supposed to be out all day tomorrow, so I can’t throw in a last-minute post, which is why I decided I may as well just type a little something here.

It started in the morning when I woke up with a sore throat. I think having the AC blaring over me all night had to do with that. Not unusual though, since who doesn’t wake up with a scratchy voice? Plus, I’ve been waking up with a slight sniffle from the chill. I thought I had set the timer to stop sometime in the night, but apparently it didn’t work. At work the AC blows over my head and kind of chills my head and shoulders, so I had to huddle in my hoodie. Normally that’s enough, but I was still unusually cold.

We went out for lunch and I welcomed the heat outdoors and the chance to get my blood flowing. I even ordered some fish soup in hopes of preventing any sickness, but back in the office I was distracted and unfocused as I tried to go on with my day. Eventually, I went over to the couch area to lay down and work, but of course fell asleep rather quickly. At some point I woke up when Mizu came to put my laptop in a safer place, but soon fell back into a daze. I woke up sniffling again, but feeling much less feverish than before.

Sad.

I opted to work at the big desk out front where it’s warmer, but before long, Mizu was trying to get some medicine for me and Starfish was chasing us off to the doctor’s. I’m quite used to waiting out a fever and sweating it off, but with the whole swine flu craze, I didn’t want to refuse a check-up to ease everyone’s minds. So off we went, with Mizu escorting me along to meet up with Typea so he could show us to a clinic. I found that rather than resting my voice, I was straining it to speak audibly, often overdoing it. Every time I stopped talking I felt my swollen throat sore from the exertion.

While we waited for the doc to get back from dinner, the three of us weighed ourselves and I was shocked to find that I am only 132 lbs. Maybe that shouldn’t be so shocking, but as of late my weight had been more around the 140-145 mark, depending on how much I had just eaten. Still, my driver’s license says I weigh 137, which was a round down from what I weighed back when I was 18. Is it just this sickness or is Singapore good for my weight? I guess I have noticed a little difference, but I didn’t think it’d be notable. So, my check-up was nothing exciting, with no fever, no redness in my throat, or any other suspicious symptoms. The doctor prescribed me some Vitamin C pills (she was shocked I don’t take them) and cough syrup and sent us on our way.

We all got some dinner together and Mizu and Typea complained about my whining and teased me about my weight (I shouldn’t eat because I’m too fat). I didn’t care because I really don’t care much about my weight as long as it doesn’t tip me into the obese category. They were jokingly calling me obese, but once I knew the kg to lb conversion, it was all good. I can’t remember the last time I weighed this much. Still, I’d much rather weigh more and have better toned muscles. They’re still hiding behind a layer of fat these days. Swimmer’s curse?

Now I’m back and lounging on the bed. I spent some time downstairs watching Don’t Forget the Lyrics for the first time, then trudged my way upstairs and showered all my gross sweatiness away. I have been instructed to not use the AC and Typea has set up the fan for me. Apparently Starfish ordered I go to bed half an hour ago, but hey, 11 is still early. That’s like three hours I’m losing out on here. I think a long night’s sleep will be enough to cure me. I hope so! My childhood bookworm is eager to get to play in a library again, scouring books and articles and enjoying the quiet atmosphere.

Gluttony?

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: experiences, food, future, mac, mizu, pictures, singapore, typea, violet, work

16 June 2009

I find that my cravings have been playing a prominent role in my life lately, dictating where I spend my time after leaving the office. Prior to coming to Singapore I had been making myself kimchi fried rice like it was the only sustenance that could support me. Then upon coming here I fell into a pattern of wonton noodles or a rice noodle soup. I had a brief stint with prata, salads, and the occasional you tiao as well. For dinner I got obsessed with Crystal Jade La Mian, which has minced meat and mushroom noodles. I then happened upon Din Tai Fung again, which has a nice big bowl of hot and sour soup that I love (not to mention the xiao long bao, of course).
After awhile of consistently eating at those two places, I started to crave udon again, so I began to try some of the Japanese places around. That was going well until I got sick from one of the items I ate. Since then I have rediscovered my love for dumplings (and all dumpling-like variations, like gyoza and xiao long bao). What it really comes down to is whatever is made to be dipped in vinegar and ginger! I’ve always loved sour things and currently that is my new fav. I always used to eat dumplings with soy sauce, vinegar, and sesame oil so it was more salty and flavorful, but now I’m appreciating the taste of vinegar-soaked ginger. It helps satisfy my sour craving when I can’t find pickles to devour.

Monday night Typea took me to place apparently well-known for its gyoza that still retain some juice inside. We arrived as they were washing up for the night and managed to snag the last twenty they had for the day. The tartness of that vinegar had quite a bite to it and my mouth was numb for awhile, but it was oh so good. Then last night, Mizu directed me to a place that has dumplings, where I also got a large bowl of hot and sour soup. Boy was that HOT and SOUR! It truly lived up to its name and had me gasping for air as I gobbled down the dumplings drowned in vinegar. I couldn’t quite taste the dumplings because my mouth was on fire and the sourness didn’t help, but it was still delicious.

To add to my feeling of gluttony, we’ve had some great feasts in the office lately, from wonderful desserts that Violet baked to great snacks that Mac made. Some of the stuff we’ve been quite spoiled with include chocolate cupcakes, toasted bread with tomatoes, cheese, and pesto, and a lunchtime salad bar. Previously we’ve had tuna and apple salad, ice cream and waffles, and so many other delicious treats. Yum yum! It’s been really nice and I look forward to recreating what I can at home to enjoy someday. I quite like cooking for myself, even if I end up eating the same three dishes all the time, so this will help add to my repertoire!

Recently I was reminded of Gushi’s and had a sudden desire to get their kimchi fried rice, which has a similar burning effect. I can’t wait to go back and make kimchi fried rice, the family soup, and rice noodles with tomato, eggs, and mushrooms. Mmm mmm good! I also can’t wait to be able to get marinated mushrooms at Ralph’s and huge jars of pickles from Costco. I had to resist the urge to buy more pickles last night because I think too much sour at a time makes me a bit nauseous. I keep staring at this empty jar on my desk and regretting that though. I’d also like to get some more salad so I can dribble Italian dressing all over it. Right now I’ll settle for some kimchi ramen though. 🙂

The strange human psyche

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: beliefs, daddy, experiences, observation, opinion, psychology, singapore, travel

15 June 2009

I am a strangely stubborn person.

Singapore National Day <br>photo credit: Alec Ee, photo.net

Singapore National Day photo credit: Alec Ee, photo.net

This weekend, I called up my dad to talk about plans to travel, which my mom is not keen on. He was open at first, telling me to cut back on the countries and he’d talk to her, but I was unsatisfied with the compromise. For in cutting back on countries, I would also need to cut back on time and cutting back on time meant having to leave earlier, but leaving earlier meant missing National Day. Now normally this would not be a big deal, after all, I’ve only ever heard of this celebration recently, but what is important to me is that the people I’ve been working with day in and day out wanted to share this experience with me. When else would I get that opportunity? I’m not even sure when the next time I can come back to this part of the world would be.

On the other side of things, I could just spend more time milling around Singapore, but in moving to the new place, we had agreed to a one-month period assuming I’d be gone for a month. This would then add another week or two to that stay, which is far too much extra to ask for. And in this situation, it’s not like they’d be able to chase me out, since they’d feel bad knowing that I have nowhere to go. I guess it goes back to my age-old habit of trying to please everyone at the expense of myself (and, in turn, my parents). So rather than miss out on the holiday and leaving early or asking for an extension to my living arrangement, my focus was on making both work out.

I wanted to be the ultimate tourist and find scenes like this! photo credit: ishs.org

So though I knew that pushing for more would get me nowhere, I had defend my reasons. Certainly other issues got in the way, mainly the different attitudes we have towards this period in my life. My parents are waiting for me to get a stable job (which apparently means one with insurance) but I’m planning on spending these years exploring my options, interests, and capabilities. At some point my stubbornness took over and it was no longer about what I wanted, but it became an issue of rebellion. I stopped caring whether or not they’d help pay for some of my expenses and instead needed to express myself. Perhaps I’m too adamant about getting an unconventional job (and preferably never a desk job again, or at least one that involves a lot of moving around), but for the coming months I’m not about to change my mind.

Now the most interesting thing to come of this was when my dad commented that with my psych background, I should know how to speak to him in such a way that would convince him of my desires so I could get what I want. Well, I’m not out to use my knowledge to manipulate people. Sure, I can work it to my advantage, but then I’d be treating others as fools, merely using them as pawns. I’d much rather be the rebellious, stubborn daughter that I am than suppress that to get my way. My dad said that I may have won the battle but not the war, but what he doesn’t get is that I’m not out to win. I just want to make my position clear, which in the end puts me in a “losing” scenario, but I don’t feel the loss. I’d rather scale down and pay my own way or go forth and find other ways to fund it than owe even more to my parents. I’m only comfortable with owing them if they’re gladly willing to help, rather than reluctantly agreeing to.

photo credit: weber.edu

No matter what happens, I know two things: 1. I will make the best of it and 2. I will never forget it (though I will not regret it either). It’s a self-preservation mechanism that we all have: whatever happens, we will find a way to justify how that is better than the other options (otherwise we’ll sink into depression and perhaps end with suicide). So, if I go to fewer places, I will justify that experience by focusing on the extra time I had at each place. Even if somehow I end up not going anywhere at all, I’ll justify that by thinking of the money I saved or how it’ll be more fun to go with someone. That’s just how the human psyche works. Whenever something we don’t want happens, will find a way to make it seem not so bad or even good or else we’d drive ourselves crazy with regret. As for not forgetting, I’ll always recall how much I wanted to travel in the fast-paced manner that I spent my time in Europe. I may not yearn for it too much (after justifying why it didn’t happen and convincing myself why what ended up happening was better), but I will always remember how it could have been. Sure I’ll get over it (in fact, I already have, since now I don’t have to spend as much effort planning and just thinking about the hectic pace makes me feel tired), but I will never forget these lavish dreams that I had.

Oh the nuances of the human mind.

Commencement

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: akpsi, asian american, far east movement, friends, graduation, memories, philip wang, pictures, storytelling, ucla

14 June 2009

Well, it’s that time again and everyone at UCLA is done with finals and have been spending the past few days graduating. Today marks the final day of all the ceremonies, from commencements to departmental graduations to the ethnic-based ones. I’ve been getting e-mails on the AKPsi listserv of people talking about taking pictures together, attending their respective ceremonies, and otherwise celebrating the Class of 2009’s achievement. It’s really a festive time of year, as everyone has summer on their sights and just this one last hurdle before induction into the world of alumnihood. For just a moment, any worries about the future can be set aside as we focus on the here and now and rejoice in the completion of a degree.

Still striking.

All this hubbub reminds me of my own graduation last year, with the drama of the strikers, the excitement of the surrealness, and the hectic whirlwind surrounding finals and graduating. The summer of 2008’s kickoff will always be a bittersweet one for me, since some of my relatives were able to fly in from China to attend, but the strike drove away Bill Clinton and Ariana Huffington as commencement speakers. I still feel it would have been better for Clinton to come and talk to us about the strike, rather than avoid the issue completely and leave us all so bitter over that outcome. Overall, it was still a good time, to enter Pauley Pavilion and see so many of my peers filling the floor as their loved ones crowded the arena. The Deans of each segment of the College of Letters and Science introduced us with flair and I got to be represented in both the Life Sciences as well as the Social Sciences.

Phil Wang at the APIG.

The following day I had both my Psychology and Economics departmental graduations, which my relatives split up to attend, with half coming for the morning Psych one and the others coming for the afternoon Econ one. It was a crazy day that started way too early and had me going far into the night as I ran around to get to places on time and find my family amongst the crowd. I still had some packing to do, which I needed to complete by the next day so I could go to the Asian/Pacific-Islander Graduation (APIG) in the afternoon and head back immediately thereafter to celebrate Father’s Day.

The APIG ceremony was truly special, since it was much smaller and was held outside in Dickson Court. I gathered together with a bunch of my fraternity brothers and we sat quite close to the front. Far East Movement and Wong Fu were there, with Far East performing customized lyrics and Phil Wang speaking to us about how the Asian-American community needs to unite. We had a local Asian-American leader as a guest speaker, but of course I’ve forgotten his name. All of the graduates even got t-shirts commemorating the event, with our names on the back! It was great that one of my fraternity brothers was actually organizing the event – I was so proud! Now he’s graduating as well. Amazing how a year can pass just like that.

Chirp chomp

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: animals, bird park, chatty, experiences, food, friends, gold, ipod touch, jolly, mizu, pictures, singapore, starfish, storytelling, tap tap revenge, travel tales, typea, youli

13 June 2009

Haha, a lazy one.

Today was Blood Donor’s Day and in celebration, all regular blood donors who gave at least once in 2008 were invited to the Jurong Bird Park for free. Chatty, Typea’s mom, had an offer for two to go for free, which she kindly offered me when I mentioned the places I’ve been meaning to go to. Mizu had promised me he’d take me around to similar things like the zoo and Night Safari, so I asked if he’d come along for this. Luckily, he was free for the day and we were able to enjoy a leisurely brunch before going in. He brought a fancy camera to take some nice photos, which was great since I had neglected to charge my camera’s battery. Plus, it freed me up to take some video footage while the battery was still alive.

It was a nice overcast day for the most part, which kept things cool. Thankfully, the rain stayed away though and allowed us to enjoy a very nice time at the park. Apparently a lot of people are blood donors because the place was packed! From the bus that took us from Boon Lay to the park to the line to get in, we could tell it was going to be a crowded place. It was still great fun though, as we made our way from penguins to flamingos to macaws to hawks to ostriches, and so much more! There was even this beastly creature that was huge and rather ugly, with remnants of a dino-like crown protruding from his head. Along the way, we came across a pelican feeding, where we were told about the seven types of pelicans in existence, and then got to see an entertaining bird show with all kinds of fun tricks.

At the end of our trip, we took the tram for one more spin around the park and headed out to meet up with some of Mizu’s friends. We stopped by the gift shop hoping to find a cute penguin pen to bring back to Starfish, but they didn’t have any. 🙁 We also came across this free pearl offer (where they would extract it in front of you), but it was only for real ticketholders. 🙁 I was so sad because I really wanted one so I could bring something back to Chatty to thank her. Oh well. We then squeezed back onto the bus to take us to the MRT and took a nice long ride to Ang Mo Kio to wait for Mizu’s buddies. Typea’s been using my iPod touch to play Tap Tap Revenge (it’s like DDR but with your fingers on the touchscreen), which Mizu also enjoys, so we played a few rounds challenging each other as we sipped on some drinks.

Come dinnertime, I met Mizu’s classmate Gold, a Korean guy who studied in the states for a number of years, Gold’s roommate Jolly, a Korean guy who had just come to Singapore two months ago, and their mutual friend Youli, a Japanese girl who’s working over in Changi. We made our way over to a food center called Chomp Chomp, where Mizu played host and got us all kinds of dishes to try, along with the most montrously-sized mugs of sugar cane I’ve ever seen. We had a fun time fighting to make people eat more and even ended with a lovely competition between Mizu and Gold, who chugged the rest of their sugar cane drinks. Poor Gold got himself a bit of a headache from the intense sugar rush. I wish I had been able to film that footage! Unfortunately my camera had long since died by that point, so I have no pictures or videos to share. However, I’ll be getting all the fun shots that Mizu got on his camera in a few days!

After that, we ended the night chilling with drinks and some snacking, chatting about all kinds of random things (and, inevitably, showing them Tap Tap Revenge as well!). Ah, what good times! 🙂

Fake beauty

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: beauty, feminism, mizu

12 June 2009

The culprit. photo credit: alibaba.com

In the office today, Mizu (our HR) exclaimed that his nail looked and felt like plastic. Earlier this week, Marylin had bought one of those nail buffers and insisted on testing and demonstrating it on him. So now he is stuck with a squeaky clean thumbnail that he may actually make even shinier when he tries to rub the smoothness away. It’s kind of funny to see the methods he’s been trying to tone it down, from scraping it against thing to rubbing it along the wall or uneven surfaces. I guess none have worked that well if he’s still so consious of it.

When he made that comment, I found myself saying something along the lines of, “You’ll find that much of beauty is being fake.” In retrospect, that really rings true to me and was put even more into perspective when I happened upon a TED video about glamour. Essentially the entire beauty industry and anything else considered glamorous is a front. It’s not about what’s natural, but what can be hidden, changed, or at least made to appear so. Sometimes it’s to enhance a certain feature and other times it’s to conceal it, but no matter what the approach, the end goal is to produce something that does not just happen to be so.

Now that’s not all bad, since having better moisturized skin probably hasn’t ever hurt anyone and a little bit of smoothing over of details can boost self-confidence, but sometimes the philosophy can get distorted. It’s dangerous to talk about this change of appearance artificially, especially for those who are particularly insecure about their looks. The beauty doctrine preaches things like using makeup to change your appearance rather than having a healthy lifestyle and to the zealots out there, this can be a very unhealthy suggestion. I find it fascinating that people are always striving for this look (myself included to a small extent) of having better skin or longer lashes or rosier cheeks.

photo credit: cosmetic-candy.com

Similarly, the idea of being glamorous is aiming for an ideal that is just out of reach. Glamour often encompasses beauty, wealth, and other superficial ways of looking at what is valued in life. It’s about transcending earthly qualities and having that magical glow. So honestly, who can achieve that? But in the desperate pursuit of it, people will drive themselves crazy trying. Most importantly though, it’s about being at the right place at the right time and sometimes even seeing things from the right angle too. Glamour doesn’t just happen. It is meticulously prepared for and carefully recorded in just the right way, otherwise it’s all ruined.

And so, in that simple sentence, I suddenly was able to put into more concrete ideas this distaste I’ve always had for high fashion, glamour, and beauty. For me, all of that is so fake, so artificial, and so unrealistic that what is natural is thrown to the side. Have you ever seen a glamorous shot without makeup, technology, or extremely calculated lighting? Glamour is made and in its most touted form, is probably never present in real life. That’s what really bothers me. Does everyone who would like to be more glamorous now need to clamor to get expensive cars or jewelry, put on tons of makeup and fancy clothes, and practice their perfect pout and stare? It sure seems that way and that is just disgustingly FAKE.

To be elite

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: future, goals, passion, pictures

11 June 2009

I often really wish that I had one thing I am extremely good at. I admire the people who are leaders in their field, whether it’s scientific research, musical ability, sports prowess, or business sense. If only I had such talent and discipline to join their ranks. Instead, I’m the type of person who dabbles in a lot of areas and has a good breadth of knowledge and skill. But my depth? Lacking. It’s the curse of the jack of all trades: master of none. And though I look up to the people who are recognized as the cream of the crop, I’m not sure that I actually want to be like that, though if I was, it’d be nice.

I love swimming, but not that much!

I typically get bored with doing the same thing for prolonged periods, so I don’t know if I could stand to dedicate so much of my life to a singular goal. Instead, I like broadly knowing more things and being well-rounded. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. I guess it comes from my nomadic lifestyle and social butterfly tendencies. All this makes me great as a search engine, but not so much as a dictionary or encyclopedia. There are certain pros and cons, of course, as with anything. After all, people like me can be useful for linking things, finding things, and uniting things. So it can be useful to get a basic idea from me, then be referred to someone with more expertise. Still, I don’t want to be a complete generalist and I’d like to have one or two items that I can be a specialist in. The problem is… what?

I guess that’s why it’s hard for me to identify a passion. I really like a lot of things, but I don’t really LOVE anything more than my other interests. Therefore, it’s hard for me to decide on a passion to pursue when I have so many that I’m excited about and none that I want to give up everything else to focus on. If only it was as simple and straightforward as knowing my one great passion and doggedly pursuing it day after day. At least then I’d have a direction, a purpose. As of yet, I’m still looking. So, I truly respect the people out there who know what they want to spend their lives doing. For me, it’s less obvious and that in itself will be a learning journey.

First encounter with the Goddess

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: food, sick, singapore, storytelling

10 June 2009

Disclaimer: Not for the faint of heart, if you get sickened easily by hearing of others’ bodily functions (though really, it’s not that graphic).

Well, I was off to a nice start with today’s post when my nausea caught up with me and I found myself, for the first time ever, learning to worship the porcelain goddess. I had found it strange when I came back after a filling dinner, bloated from eating so much, yet still as nauseous as if I hadn’t eaten at all. It wasn’t long after that I learned that my food was spoiled. I’m quite sure it was the skinny little mushrooms wrapped in a thin slice of beef. So there I was laying there, feeling as if my bile was rising, causing my saliva to go sour. I went to the bathroom to spit out the bad juices only to find that I really was unwell.

In all of my life, I have felt nauseated many a time, but never once have I done more than gag a bit and flex that gag reflex a bit. This would be the first time that I consciously regurgitated anything and it was surprisingly more natural than I ever imagined it to be. I’m sure I was burped as a baby, but since then, the only time that my stomach has been unhappy enough with its contents was back in 5th grade, when I woke up to find that my nightmare had caused me to empty my stomach’s contents. It was a completely novel experience to stand there and be conscious of what was happening to my body as my unhappy tummy threw out its contents in the only way it knows how. I guess I found it a bit fascinating because I’ve only ever seen others do it before. Experiencing it yourself makes it put on an entirely different dimension.

I curiously noted that the flow was so powerful that at one point it almost came out of my nose. Gosh those muscles are strong! Also, one of my contributions to the Goddess included red, which alarmed me for a moment until I smelled the scent of tomatoes. Why I had that I have no idea, since I cannot recall what I might have had that included tomatoes, but I really doubt blood could manage to smell like that. I did a quick check gurgling some water and checking my nose and but for a burst scar on my nose, there was no bleeding to be found. Thank goodness.

Being my first time, I had no idea what to do afterwards, so I went online to look for some solutions. What it came down to was: drink water. And so I did, drinking down any more sourness that I smelled. I didn’t know if it was better to lay down or sit straight, so I lay on the bed breathing deeply until that was uncomfortable, then sat up for awhile. I called up my mom to confirm what action I should take and though I really wanted to eat some of that Mamee I had, I resisted the urge in case my stomach in its delicate state decided to rebel again. It’s strange that though I lost my entire dinner, I feel less “hungry” than I had when I was full to the brim with that poison. I guess the sour of bad food was mistaken for the sour of a stomach with nothing to be broken down by its acid.

And now a lesson learned, to be more careful about what I eat. It didn’t seem that unusual for the food to be a bit sour, but I guess I should have smelled more intently. This was after going to this very restaurant yesterday and finding the seaweed salad to be stale. Perhaps their quality just isn’t up there. It’s time to find a new place to have my solo dinners now. At first I was afraid to sleep lest I have another incident in my sleep, but it seems to have subsided and I think my stomach would have emptied things out more if it needed to do so. So instead of a thoughtful entry on feminism, today you get a lovely depiction of my night. With that, I should rest, so good night!

(I hope you don’t mind the lack of pictures… I think that may just make you worse off, so I didn’t take any. :-P)

Fear

laelene Post in general blog，Tags: behavior, books, business, future, goals, pictures, reading, starfish, work

09 June 2009

I just finished powering through a book called Turning It On by Robin Speculand, which is basically a collection of stories for the business world meant to be fables of sorts – they all have a specific point and lesson to be learned. There were some great points I took from it, though I feel at this point in my development, nothing is new except the way and how well it is presented to me. I mean, I know all this information, but hearing it again and again is what will help grill it into my life and make good habits out of them. As the 7X7 Rule of Communication states, tell it 7 different times in 7 different ways! So, though sometimes it feels repetitive, I push on in the hopes that these constant reminders will guide my behavior down a good path.

Fear makes my heart hurt!

Now what I came across that did intrigue me was a new way of putting an old idea: FEAR. In this case, it’s “False Evidence which Appears Real” and the four most common ones that are identified are fear of failure, rejection, being wrong, and emotional discomfort. Funny, I was just talking about this with Starfish yesterday, because I often hold myself back, too afraid to jump for fear of all but the last one, pretty much. I spend so much time thinking and analyzing, but my fear is what keeps me from putting everything into action. It’s also what creates a lot of self-doubt, which otherwise is really not justified. I don’t horrible feedback and I haven’t had a traumatic experience, yet I worry about so many things and how they are wrong, wrong, wrong. And I hate to be wrong!

Part of the reason I believe in reminding myself is because for something like this that is so ingrained in my way of thinking and framing things, it’s very challenging to change. But of course, I must strive for nothing but, since it’s obvious that I’m missing out on a lot, whether actually accomplishing what I dream of or learning valuable lessons from my stumbles, falls, and the resulting bruises. I’m fine with physically tripping and messing up, but I dread doing so professionally and personally in the work that I do and the ways that I handle things. Alas, so much of life is learning from your experiences (which inevitably include mistakes). Just knowing I need to work on this doesn’t make it any easier and doesn’t make it happen any faster, but at least I am aware and trying right? Right?

So, reading about this new way of putting fear really struck a chord with me since this is the very thing I am struggling the most to overcome internally. After all, I can get a lot of outside support, but I need to change my mentality to truly stop behaving in a timid, fearful manner. I’m not very good at it, but I think I’m better or at least more willing to consider facing and overcoming my fears. It’s so strange that I am so hesitant when I’ve had certain failures that I have put behind me and nothing so terrible has happened because of them. So why, why is it still such a challenge?!

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